Garage Sale

We are in the middle of having our very first garage sale here. I am sitting in our driveway after the initial rush and will just wait it out now until its "closing" time in about two hours.

We kept it very quiet about where our garage sale was going to be and we didn't advertise it until it was right on opening time. It was AMAZING the number of people that were cruising our street waiting for it to open. And as soon as I gave the nod they quite literally ran down our driveway to the tables!

It was like the Boxing Day Myer Stocktake sale!!! Wow! People everywhere hovering around the tables like hungry hyenas.

We have sold a bit of stuff but not nearly as much as I'd hoped of course. It appears there will be some trips to the charity stores in the morning to part with the rest.

I'm not really one for attending garage sales. Mainly because I like to DE-clutter rather than find space for even more stuff. I have this love/hate relationship with stuff. I "like" stuff but on my terms. So long as it has somewhere to "live" in my home and life it's okay to stay. But once it has outlived its usefulness or purpose then it MUST go and it drives me nuts if it doesn't go quickly. I can be patient of course but only for so long.

For many years now I've sent much of our surplus unwanted items to charity houses and been very happy to part with it that way. I shall continue to do that I think. There is a lot I've learned today about holding a garage sale and some of it is not all that pleasant. You need a lot of people power support and a strong will to survive the very determined efforts of others to get "a lot of stuff for nothing" etc etc.

It's actually less stressful to me to just donate it silently and anonymously. Stuff I have here that I "thought" would sell in a snap has not and stuff I thought was "trash" has walked out on wings. Amazing!

My feet are deathly cold sitting here though. That may be the biggest sacrifice to this event in the end. Trying to warm up my extremely cold feet once everything is packed up ready for donation tomorrow morning.

:) Life goes on and hopefully with less stuff attached! Hahahahaha!

chemical aftertaste

I had my first can of cola today for .... I think it must be around 3 months now.

I HAD been addicted to cola drinks for the past year or so opting not for the diet versions of these drinks but for the "Full leaded" versions thereof.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I went cold turkey on drinking cola and other soft drinks. I basically detoxed my system by eating no wheat, dairy or "empty" carbohydrates for about a month. I lost a fair bit of weight in the process but what interested me today was my reaction to having my first taste of a diet cola drink after going through such a process.

The chemicals in the diet version of this particularly well-known brand of cola, were obvious to my tastebuds. It was not really a pleasant experience and I confess to leaving the can more or less on the bench for quite some time getting warmer by the hour :) I occasionally had a sip from it but those sips never satisfied and nor did they make me feel "good". In fact, I actually felt a little off-colour after a particularly bigger gulp than normal. I've never drunk diesel fuel, but to my thinking it couldn't be much worse than the taste of that can of cola really. That's how bad the aftertaste seemed to me. I ended up tipping a good two thirds of the can down the drain at the end of my working day.

The up-shot of this is that I have now learned that cola drinks are really not that much fun anymore. Not for me anyway. Perhaps if I try a fully leaded version, I might think differently but right now I couldn't think of anything worse. My tastes have perhaps changed. We shall see in time. Very old, long term habits of a life-time are difficult to break and cola addiction is not much different to nicotine addiction in that sense I suppose.

Right now, I feel like I need a total detox in my body again. It feels unloved, unfed and decidedly dehydrated! My poor tongue feels like it has been licking sandpaper too for the day which is an unexpected side-effect.

Back to the water bottle and the vegie stirfries for me thanks :)

the things I need to learn

What today has taught me.... (especially having seen the movie Eragon which has touched me quite significantly for many reasons)

One: To stop and listen more to the reasoned experience of others

Two: To not panic so quickly but to stop and listen more to the reasoned experience of others

Three: To accept calmly the moment as it comes and not fight it so much. To stand inside that moment rather than stab at it with unreasoned intentions and thoughtless action.

Four: To LISTEN to the people who love me and want to actually help me instead of assuming they are just telling me what to do.

Five: To let love over-rule everything else and not my ego or my pride.


I am given to reactive behaviours in stressful situations. I tend to "try" and make decisions quickly assuming that these decisions that I make are for the benefit of everyone around me. I have learned today that it may not always be the case. What I assume are reasonable decisions- borne out reactions to trying situations - can in fact, make the situation worse not better. Sometimes it is better to let life slow down and even stop before reacting. To let time not spin by so but to let it stall and just allow myself to "be" inside that moment for a minute or two, with a quiet attitude of observance and waiting.

You see I have a dragon too like Eragon.

My dragon chose me out of everyone else to be his rider. He is older than time and younger than me. His experience and wisdom are evident in how he handles difficult things. He knows exactly, the panic and burden of fear within my heart when i do not know what I should do...but he has also learned how to manage that fear and panic and now he is teaching me what he has known for a long, long time.

It's hard for me to learn. I hate and detest being told what to do...by anyone :) I love my dragon though and need to respect him more and believe him when he tells me to calm down and be still. I can't ride him if I don't and he can't carry me if I don't. He is patient but also frustrated sometimes by my slowness to learn and absorb his words. But he chose me and nothing I do can break that bond between us now. We are tied together by an invisible and timeless ribbon of love and hope.

My dragon has courage but he is also vulnerable. I could survive my dragon but my dragon would never survive without me. That is not arrogant pride saying that either. My dragon would not...could not...be a dragon without me. It's his purpose to be MY dragon and it is my purpose to learn to be one with him in mind and thought. If that happens then together we may finally be invincible and I will make better decisions when stressed.

I just need to slow down and listen more to the reasoned experience of others.

Fog Creek and the German Man

Technology can be totally frustrating you know. :)

The other day I downloaded the optional update for my Second Life viewer here on Preciousss (the name I have given the Macbook ;)).

It did not go well.

Everytime I tried to log into the SL servers I crashed the viewer and it would freeze on my screen with that little coloured disc spinning merrily away for an age until I had to use the Force Quit option twice to get it to close.

To say I was stressed and unhappy about this was an understatement.

So in my annoyance I decided to move everything Second Life off my computer to the trash and start again. Empty Trash seemed like a good way to go to get the system clean. That's what I did. I emptied the trash.

I not only managed to get rid of the Second Life application but almost my entire HD as well.

SOMEHOW, all my applications had managed to wind up IN the TRASH and when I hit empty.... I was left with icons and not much else. Skype worked as did Office but nothing else worked.

I was distraught. I couldnt' figure out what to do so I called my Dad who kindly came around on Thursday evening and offered his limited help. I asked Dad because he has owned a Mac for nearly 5 years so I figured he might be a good choice. There wasn't much we could do expect reinstall the entire OS X system back onto Preciousss and hope for the best.

That worked. I had Safari and all my apps working again. Downloaded Skype successfully and again downloaded the Second Life viewer.

To no avail.

The SL viewer still refused to cooperate on Preciousss. It worked fine on the Windows machine over the other side of the room (it is now nicknamed Unimatrix One *grin* or Uni1 for short). But alas and alack... poor Preciousss languished with no real defined purpose in her life... I still haven't reinstalled Office for Mac on her yet or got around to getting the print option to work on the shared network but we'll get to that eventually.

I was really, really blue about it. I just couldn't shake the incredible desperation and feelings of total hopelessness in regard to my computer of all things!

Its' weird you know! I can be quite easily prosaic and pragmatic and such when it comes to the lives of People; I really am live-and-let-live when it comes to people. When it comes to my toys though, I just want them to WORK and when they don't... I get very depressed about them as if they were more important to me than the people they bring me closer to. I wonder why it is that I have this strange and rather distorted view of things?

So anyway.

Martin from Germany tried somewhat in vain, to get me to snap out of my stupid fatalistic thinking over poor Preciousss. It was killing me to think I would "never be able to play in Second Life on her again".

Yes! That is how low I can go! I am stressed over a GAME on a piece of technical hardware with no emotional capacity to love me back and yet I worry over it and fret, while all the while, I have a mother-in-law just down the road whom I adore and whom I may not see for a long, long time very soon. So weird!

We came up with a solution.

And now comes the rave part of this post. *grin*

Martin and I used the Fog Creek Copilot application to effectively give him control over Preciousss for 24 hours.

Yes! He lives in Germany and I live in Australia. Preciousss lives on a table near my front window in Australia. Martin works from his Cave over there.....waaaaayyyyyy over there! But amazing as it sounds...and it IS amazing! ...Yes! He played on Preciousss as if he were sitting in front of her and FIXED my problem!!! *grin*

.........well he is a nice bloke that way really! :) Rather enjoys rescuing damsels in distress I suppose! He is Drache afterall ;)

....but enough of raving about how clever Martin is (and he is clever make no mistake).... I really wanted to absolutely and categorically say that the tiny little thing we used from Fog Creek was simply amazing.

Yes... it was a little slow for Martin but it was Friday night here and cold out..... so internet traffic in Australia at that hour was bound to be pretty heavy. Not only that, we were doing this wirelessly so that makes it even more incredible at how successfully the copilot program worked! At least to me it does anyway.

It was rather like watching a Poltergeist take control of my cursor on the screen and start doing strange things of its own. Maybe it was a little like a mysterious ouiji board glass moving about seemingly without the assistance of any known hand! Even my husband commented on the strange feeling he had watching Martin scoot around Preciousss doing things to her I could never have begun to understand if he had tried to explain them to me in a text chat screen!

That's the beauty of a application like Copilot. Whilst it was HARD for Martin to do what he did...it would have been doubly hard if he had tried to explain it to me in words. The programme made it sooo much easier for us to get my problem sorted.

Of course the first thing Martin said when he got connected to my computer was "myyyyy precioussssss" which made me laugh out loud for the first time in a number of days! :) It was very cute and funny and I appreciated it because well... you don't just hand over the full rights to your computer to just "anyone".... You have to totally trust the person who says they can help and yeah... Martin totally proved his trustworthiness to me helping me out with this stuff. :) I wouldn't recommend anyone using Copilot unless its with someone they trust implicitly to do the right thing. :)

I am feeling so much better now. :) My lovely Macbook is almost back to normal. Once I can print my documents etc on the wireless or shared network, it will be even more wonderful. :)

So now I'm back in Second Life when I'm not doing other things, zapping around the grid, window shopping to my hearts content again and/or watching Martin's avatar build things (one does need some patience for that though which I don't often possess but if I can put in my 2c its not that bad really to make things in SL from scratch). I won't be updating the viewer again until I absolutely have to but in the meantime its fine just the way it is.

Thankyou sooooo much Martin AND Fog Creek for making it possible. Bliss :) Off to actually do work on Uni1 now. :) Blogging is such a good excuse to slack off. :)

The ethos of dying

My Mother-in-law faces imminent death.

As we make her comfortable in her home for her final days on earth, we seek to protect her and closet her away from pain, suffering and the many miniscule duties that she no longer needs or wants to do or can do.

She is 82 years old and is ever so ready to depart from here now. She prays for a quiet death in her own comfortable bed, just drifting off into endless sleep without rancour or torment for herself or others. She longs to be in the arms of Jesus, in the room he promised he would have prepared for her. It is unique to her temperament and talents.

I imagine her room in heaven consisting of mainly kitchen and pantry :) My Mother-in-Law was ever the cook. She cooked to "rest". It was her haven from the madness of life. The clutter of flour, pastry, vegetable and fruit, strewn across her benchtops cheered her and satisfied her soul. Cooking food that made her family, friends and others far and near happy and content soothed her and gave her hope.

She will cook in heaven! I have no doubt of it. The everlasting feast in Paradise will include the culinary skills of my beloved Mother-in-law in amongst the dishes on the table.

Who said Heaven was going to be boring with nothing to do? Whoever said that going to Heaven was the kiss of death to all things scintillating and wonderful? EVERYTHING will be beautiful and wonderful and it will all taste divine! Literally! It was how it was meant to be in the beginning. We only get a shadow of the wonders of food, perfume, colour, light, humour and joyful exuberance here now. In Heaven, everything will be a bazillion times more than it is now; a feast for the senses and no overload either :)

Heaven by its very nature will satisfy beyond all imagining. Our unique skills and gifts, even our learned skills will be made use of in heaven. It's inevitable! How can it be otherwise when here on earth now, it is in the deepest joys that you will find a person content and happy in their WORK...in what they love to do and can do well.

So my MIL waits patiently. She creeps ever forward toward the door of Death and pleads for entrance beyond its mysterious face.

What do I want for my MIL?

Peace. Rest. A soul found worthy of spending eternity with Jesus. :) (Yes! I do believe he wants us all there! Why and How I don't comprehend or understand. I just think that we have nothing to lose and everything to gain if we do). I also want that my husband - her youngest son - will be cared for as he grieves for his dearly loved Mum. It is HIM for whom I hold the deepest concerns really but that is a blog for another day :)

......It's incomprehensible isn't it? How can we really know what lies beyond death? We don't of course. Death rarely gives us answers from behind its doors. Death is both a sacrifice and a gain. It is not duality of spirit although certainly a conduit to change. Death can be a welcome thing and it can sting like a thousand pins.

Some deaths kill joy and hope. Some deaths gently ease the furrows of worry and distress. Some deaths merely needle and other deaths change life on earth forever. Each small part of death makes way to more and more LIFE in all its abundance and hope. Yet...we still fear it for we do not know.

As we resign ourselves to these last few weeks with our Mum and Mother-in-Law, we shall do our grieving in living rather than after she has left us. At least I think we will. It's hard watching someone die and it is a relief - almost - when death finally takes them home.

We will miss her though. She is currently busy passing on her favourite recipes to anyone who is interested :) Explaining the notes in her handwritten recipe books and discussing the finer points of boiling and baking custards, puddings, roasts and other delicacies. I imagine we shall not eat quite the same again until we all join her at the Eternal Banqueting Table. :)

As I write this I am wondering if I sound a little flippant and if I dishonour my Mother-in-Law with this post. I do not intend to. Death maybe a prosaic and fundamentally practical issue for me, but I do still cry at the loss of those I love. It is hard to lose those you love to unforgiving death. It totally hurts to be bereft of that life in them that you loved so well. We miss them - sometimes very acutely. For christians, we do have the small comfort that we know the separation is temporary. That can be a small comfort though not a big one; "Temporary" can be an awful lot of years without.

I love my Mother-in-Law. Deeply. She has grace, wisdom, gentleness of spirit, honour and unselfish service in every pore and every fibre of her humanity. She has laughed a lot in the years I've known her despite losing her husband and her only daughter to cruel diseases. She still laughs even now, as she battles with her own cancer.

She LOVES. It was very very rare for my MIL to not love and want to care for another person. She GAVE of herself, her time, her possessions, her produce over and over, always considering those who had less as more worthy of more. She was/is frugal, honest, truthful and abounds in Wisdom and gentleness. She is astonishing really. I expect her funeral will not be a small one when it finally comes. :)

So anyway. Enough now. Grieve not for my mum in law but for her sons. Her three sons, one of whom is my husband. They will be orphans once she leaves and that can be tough to accept too. No child imagines being without their parents!

God speed you home Marion Ruby Pitman with all my love :)

Be kind to a weary woman week.

It seems that many many women in my age group are just plain TIRED!

A whole week should really be dedicated to women in general...not just a Mothers Day :)

This week was hellishly busy. I can feel the beginnings of a cold sneaking into my nose and throat. I'm run down and weary. Trying too hard to fit everything I WANT to fit into my days and hours. But I am fine and reasonably content. This week wasn't as busy as I expected it would be but nor was it a "cruise" either. There will be busier weeks ahead I'm sure of it!

It's just the way things are.

Women were made to manage a vast number of things. Many of those things are directly or indirectly the result of the doings of other people. We pick up after our families, extended families, friends, distant relations, workmates, bosses, volunteer organisations, groups, clubs, schools, committee's. We clean, we wash, we smooth/iron out things from emotional trauma's and miniture tragedies to the clothes and the bathroom basin. We listen to stories, we tell stories; we shed tears, we wipe tears; we plan, we implement and we negotiate all manner of organisational conundrums.

Depending on our innate or learned level of personal organisation, we can get a great deal done in a day.

Thing is we often DO so much that we forget to just STOP and BREATHE and just feel something other than overwhelming exhaustion.

There is no joy in being a middle-age and being like this. None at all! Many women thrive on being hyper-busy. They love the kudo's it brings them; the raison d' etre for their existence is to prove how capable and "helpful" they can be.

Other women - and I count myself amongst this second group - get incredibly stressed and overwhelmed when they have just way too much to do in a short amount of time. Some of us in that second group handle it through being really organised and a liberal dose of humour, some just flounder and become very depressed that they can't do it "all" like they think they should be able to.

It's just a matter of perspective really....and yes being organised does help enormously. Not everything can a wife/mother/daughter/sister/aunt/cousin/best friend/friend/volunteer/workmate/employee say "NO!" to; however, we can say "No!" a lot more often than we do.

I guess it boils down to making SPACE to move and to feel our buried emotions, that in a crowded life, often get neglected and ignored. It's fine to come home after an enormously busy week like the one I"ve just had, and feel slightly elated at having some time to be mySELF and to be proud and content with everything accomplished this past week.

It's equally fine to come home as I have after other busy weeks and go to bed sobbing out of sheer frustration and over-tiredness. Not every busy week comes with a sense of accomplishment - some are just "shitty weeks" and that is fine too.

Life doesn't stay the same unless you want it to. This shitty week may give rise to some really great weeks down the track so one needn't assume that what couldn't be accomplished this past week defines one as a woman.

Still! It can be tough to get a busy week into perspective. Last Sunday, when I was configuring the outcomes I wanted to achieve for this week, I felt tetchy, irritable, stressed-out and morose. I didn't want to face this week really, it scared me at how full it appeared it would be.

But now I'm here at the other end, it's okay. Yes it has been tough but I survived and made it through because I made good enough choices about things and said "No" whenever I could.

But... it would be nice if someone would just help out with the washing all the same! :)

So to all Husbands, boyfriends, lovers and children...be kind to your weary woman whoever she may be. Don't leave your flotsam for her to pick up, she has enough of that in her life as it is and doesn't really need to have to pick up after you.... but she will

...coz that's what we do.

Billy

Our beloved cat of 8.5 years was euthenized today (Saturday 16th June 2007) just after midday.

Billy The Cat came to our family Christmas Eve 1998. He was cute, beautiful and great fun with a winning personality for a mere cat.

He grew to be a BIG cat...weighing in on average around 7.5kg (about 16.53lbs) with the most magnificent fat thick furry tail :)

He was independant and not really a "snuggly" cat although he did love his brushing sessions with "Daddy" each day.

He took to my old teddy bear I got when I was one year old. He used to cart it around the house at night howling with it as if it were prey in the wild, teddy firmly clenched between his teeth. Then he would "Kill" Teddy with passionate intent. It was like watching a miniture tiger carving up the family kill for the feasting. That poor teddy got so mauled I had to recover him many times so he looked nothing like what he did when I first received him.

Teddy will also be buried with Billy today in the old fishpond which is pretty much useless now with the drought. We shall fill it with soil and plant a shrub in it to remember our beautiful cat by.

For the past 12 months our cat has suffered regular and untreatable seizures. This past week saw him suffer through maybe close to 15 + violent and excruciating convulsions. It was never pretty to watch Bill have a seizure but I got innured to it and accepted them as a part of his...our lives. But this week brought too many and his temperament changed to that of a very haunted, anxious and aggressive shadow of his former self.

We watched the entire process of his passing away; my husband, my daughter and myself. Only our son has missed saying goodbye to Billy as he had to play footy in Nati today. I'm sure this will be something he may or may not regret as the years go by - we don't know yet.

Billy hated the Vet this past couple of years. He growled and whined constantly. His passing away was no different really. Feisty and opinionated to the end, our cat went to his next home with a deep growl in the back of his throat. It doesn't worry me to remember him this way...it was absolutely and positively our Billy expressing his displeasure as usual. :)

He had a lot of names over the course of his life. Here are some of the nicknames he's had over the years.

Fooffy-Feffer
Pooh-Face
Pooh
Bucket
Bucket Features
Poofy-Feather
Zoids
Billzoids
Billikins
Fluffy-Guts
Bubby


Loved and doted on, our cat passes into memory and time for us now. We shall never replace him as a personality. Time will tell if we replace him for another pet. Right now... another pet just seems too much like hard work. I want to rest from the constant vigilance having a pet requires now, not only to savour the memory of Billy, but to just rest from having to THINK about his welfare and needs.

He is seizure and pain free now. Thank God for his life and for the gift of joy that he brought to us all these past 8.5 years.

I wouldn't want her job!

Young Ms Hilton gets a lot of press.

It seems the Pirahna's in media hype just can't get enough of the girl with a ready pose for the camera and an all too ready gaff in Underwear Mis-management.

She's had a pretty sheltered life our Young Ms H.

All things considered, she really doesn't live in "our world" with all its issues of money, time and place, work and family. Life is very different for Paris and her siblings; it always has been and always will be.

Sure! Most of us enjoy poking a few sticks at her. We ingraciously imply she has no real intelligence; we assert she has far too much money than can be "good" for a person; we unceremoniously judge her sexual behaviours as being stupid, foolish, slovenly and misguided.

Many of us are quite determined to bring Ms H down a peg or two million, just so we feel she is on a more level playing field with the rest of us.

Me?

I just feel incredible compassion for her really. Probably a subtle mix of pure pity in there too but seriously...? The girl hasn't got it "all". No one has! Not even the four or five homeless people who begged for a few coins for food and a bed when we were in Melbourne on Saturday morning this past weekend. If someone claims they have it "all" - you'd have to wonder if they need psychiatric care! Happiness is as transient as the moment in which you exist! It's not wealth or fame that gives us our life - it's our being and our attitudes that make our lives what they really are!

Still! Ms H has all the trimmings of a providential life. She has lived a life so alien from my own, that I cannot even begin to comprehend her daily conundrums, decisions she must make, problems she must solve, attitudes she must endure. Her life is its own entity. She has access to tonnes of cash but... the pressures that that places on her every single moment of her day must be enormous!

My life has its own contingent pressures, but fame isn't one of them and nor is vast amounts of wealth. I have no clue as to how those two things can change a person nor do I want to. How does one cope with all of that privilege, infamy and wealth? How does one manage to negotiate the tempestuous waters of Life's Aquarium as someone notable/notorious? Paris Hilton IS, quite literally, a pretty goldfish, living in a large, clear fish-tank, with our grubby fingers tapping on the glass at her, constantly pressuring her to perform her tricks and NOTICE us!

She's a young woman who just wants to party and have fun? Sure! She's most definitely like many other 24 year olds, at least hormonally! :) Still! We've not had her place in life, her background, her heritage, her childhood nor her current exposure in every magazine under the sun! Who would WANT that life? Really? Who would want to be so flagrantly exposed either deliberately or otherwise?

I don't!

I just feel intensely sorry for Ms H. She might not have "any brains". But maybe, just maybe she does! Do we really KNOW her? No! Should we? NOOOOOOOO WAY!!!! Let the woman have a little bit of dignity in the end.

Perhaps we could all practise our obession with privacy for ourselves by allowing her that same privilege! This is why I've not linked to any stories or images in this blog to Paris herself. It's a rather feeble token gesture on my part, in trying to give her some privacy - a commodity in which she seems to be very poor indeed.

I would give everything I had to never be famous...ever! :)

When movies are just too good :)

Home from our weekend away in Melbourne and I've finally got some time to write about our movie experience we had last night.

in a word...

WOW!

Greg and I only just made it to the Sunday evening showing of "300" at the IMAX theatre at the Melbourne Museum.

I don't go to IMAX that much as the movies they show are generally in 3D. I can't enjoy 3D movies because I don't have Binocular vision (I'm blind in my left eye). This occasion was a rare one where the movie was accessible for me.

I didn't really know what to expect from this movie. I had a sketchy synopsis in my head and I knew it has an Aussie Actor (aka David Wenham)in it - which was the clincher to convince my husband it might be worth a look :)

Well.... this is one helluvua movie!

WOW!

It is Legend, Myth, Epic Tale and Fantasy all entwined into one. It isn't a complex story and yet.....?

Lets just say that the script has a marvellous je ne sais quoi quality to it huh? Of course it's "simple"... but then this is about the action not the subtleties of plot nuance :) Don't see this if you are wanting to think... see this movie if you just want to be left spell-bound by a enthralling Story

I was captured by it! Obviously! :) It is a grand story too, full of blood-thirsty horrors of war and all manner of gross evils. Very Good and Very Bad all clearly delineated and expressed in word and digitally enhanced skin-tones! :)

Thing is, I think the characters are quite wonderfully portrayed. The cast in this film is superb really, playing their roles with delicious undercurrents of pathos and humour, drama and sensitivity.

It's gory but it's also probably, THE sexiest movie that Hollywood has produced in yonks too! Oh my! All those naked Spartan male chests? T'was enough to make a girl go weak at the knees! *shiver* *drool*

It could have been the whole IMAX experience that made this movie have such a wow factor for me; I realise this, but at the same time, I do think that this simple over-sized story lends itself very well to the over-sized surround-sound experience of the Giant Screen too. It just WORKED!

The marriage of special CGI effects and real-live actors
makes this movie very visually exciting and for its type and style, it works beautifully. Of course, it will probably become "ruined" by massive merchandising in the form of video games and such but for the film itself, this kind of blending of artificial with actual, makes for an interesting and exciting appeal to the senses.

So okay? Did I like it? You bet! Bloody AWESOME Fun in my honest opinion.

Go see it (preferably on a really big screen. I promise you'll not be disappointed).

I got it! I got it!

I am sitting in our motel room in melbourne here typing this blog on our new Macbook laptop computer *grin*

I am hooked into the hotel's broadband connection which is really REALLY slow but hey? Who's complaining.

This will take some getting used to though. I have much to learn about using the OS X operating system but so far so good.

When we get home, it will be frustrating not being able to use it straight away off our broadband connection at home as we've yet to purchase a wireless router for home but that shouldn't be too much of a hassle to arrange within the next week or so.

I have big plans for this puppy! :)

One of the first is finding a name for "her" (Yes... its a she!... PB's Little Sister no less... which isn't really easy to explain unless you know bat...*grin*)

So! This is wierd and strange and I have none of my favourite sites bookmarked on here yet and well.... I am just so excited I can barely contain myself *grin* *BOUNCE*

Okay.... so I'm now officially one of those Mac Geeks ...almost anyway.

Desperate straits call for desperate measures...

or at the very least somewhat clumsy but practical innovation.

I used to use my lovely wee Palm PDA a lot. Then last year, when I was convalescing after major surgery, I didn't have the need to refer to it or use it often for about 4 months so got out of the habit of putting in info and reading it when required. It became an untrustworthy device for recording my never-ending piles of tasks.

I have effectively been list-less for some months now (no pun intended there) and it has been obvious how detrimental its been to my productivity and the smoothness of getting things done in a timely way. If its not written down, in a place with a context, it generally gets missed, forgotten or abandoned due to the former two.

I had some time to myself in between appointments today and went diary shopping for a suitable "old-fashioned" paper based "device" that might fill the giant gap my PDA has left.

I still use the PDA but the on/off button is faulty and hard to turn on so its become a PITA to use effectively. It's still essential for carting around vast numbers of addresses and memo's though. I will probably always use some kind of electronic device for that stuff even if I never use one again for tasks or appointments.

I'm actually sweating on the iPhone coming to Australia but there's no word yet as to which telco here is picking it up for sure. I may yet succumb and go for another brand phone/PDA/mp3/browser device. Don't know yet.

So anyway... I didn't find the diary I wanted. I have already got a wee paper diary with a week to an opening which is fine for ordinary appointments but its just not appropriate for task lists at all. I NEED a discrete task list; one based on contextual concepts such as Home, Work, Calls, Computer and so on.

Instead I switched to looking for a small notebook with a pen holder. I found a good one with a snap-lock cover for under AU$3.00 in Trevs Bargain Emporium *grin* I'm actually tempted to go back and purchase the rest and put them into storage for the day when this current one is just totally unusable. With white-out though it "should" technically last a good while or at least until I replace it with a new electronic do-all device anyway.

I brought the notepad home and made labels with my nifty little Brother P-touch 55 labeller (an absolutely ESSENTIAL household device), and printed out two of each label sticker. These I attached to pages in the notebook back to back. The notebook is roughly divided now, into different contextual sections into which I can record any relevant tasks.

So for instance, in my "Errands/Buy" category - when I'm out and about, I can simply refer to that particular list to see if I need to get meds from the pharmacy, or go look for a new pair of shoes for work etc.

It's about coherent relevance to my day to day activities. Instead of trying to remember what I have to do exactly WHEN I have to do it, this device now allows me to shift and change as required according to any given place/time/person.

It took me about half an hour to set it up and another half hour or so to put everything I can so far think of into it. The real test though is in the following couple of weeks. If by the end of that I have lots and lots of white-out lines in it, it will be a go-er! :)

it's okay...He said as he opened his arms and died.

Questions of Faith crop up every now and again in my mind and heart like fluttering butterflies.

Some of them are labelled "Guilt" and some are labelled "Freedom"

Choosing a butterfly to have land on ones hand is difficult for more often than not, it's the beautiful alluring "Guilt" ones that bring more pleasure than can be merited.

I put him there that day on that stripped tree on golgatha. Me! With my petty lies, white and black, my arrogance, my liberty, my pride and my greed. I put him there with all the force of my being.

And you know what?

He keeps on saying "It's okay! It's okay! I still love you anyway"

Who can fathom a love like that? Can anyone? Not me! Least of all me.

My unbelief lies in shredded piles upon the floor of my soul. I bury myself in it like a rat in its nest. I do not believe that I could be so loved and so I choose to wrestle with the paper shreddings of my Unbelief, chewing on them and mashing tjem between my teeth pretending its good to eat.

If only...if only I could SEE beyong my Unbelief and accept that which I believe 100 percent, unequivocally, unreservedly, wholistically? If only I could BE like Him and not need this shredded paper on the floor of my soul?

Why is it..

that one can make plans and plans and plans but they rarely eventuate.

I had quite a list of things to do today. I barely scratched the surface! *sigh*

I did get that email written to the old g/f's although some of the email addy's bounced! I so hate that. I started my german homework but have yet to complete it - there seems to be PILES of it at the moment too.

As for this "feral loungeroom"? Well! That's least of all my obligations right now. Tomorrow is Ironing Day so it will get sorted then and only then.

And if you're wondering about the strange juxtaposition of terms there - aka "feral" + "loungeroom", then don't fret, it's just one of my idiosyncracies of language use. I don't know HOW I do that or why - I just do. Maybe it's an Aussie thing perhaps. Some Aussies do say silly things like "Dead Horse" in lieu of simple tomato sauce and such. We are a wierd mob as the saying goes.

Still I guess I'd better explain what I mean anyway. My "feral loungeroom" is cluttered with clothes that I cannot wear, things to pick up that do not belong to me but to other people who say they live here, chocolate bar wrappers that I've not eaten myself, empty glasses parked beside armchairs that I did not drink from, disarranged cusions on the couch that I did not rest upon, school bags that don't belong to me and guitar picks that I do not use to play the guitar with.

Do you kind of get the picture? Yeah! The "feral" part of the loungeroom isn't so much the loungeroom itself - its the young urchins who LIVE here and think they can just trash the joint and "Ping" it will all be nice and restful again in the morning for them to trash yet again!

*sigh* It's a mum's world!

So okay....

I have been missing from Blogsville afterall. :

Bloggers Syndrome is catching up with me I'm afraid. There just doesn't seem to be anything really INTERESTING to write about in the moment.

I could waffle on for hours about Secondlife.com where I currently spend most of my free hours *blush* However, that is likely to bore you to tears really unless you're into the whole concept of strangely attired (let alone strangely behaved) avatars running about in a jerky, staccato fashion in virtual shopping malls where the walls are a pixel wide and both solid and penetrable all at the same time.

Still, the subjects that could be worthy to muse upon fade quickly from my mind almost as soon as I decide that they'd be good to blog about.

So anyway, perhaps its time to change blogging focus. Maybe I need to just TALK about any old stuff instead of trying too hard to come up with something that I, so arrogantly, deem as Intelligent Blogging Material (no IBM jokes please *snort*). There's only so much one can say about soulmates and Pah!

My mate (for my non-aussie readers, that's an Aussie colloquial term for friend/buddy/pal), Martin celebrated his 37th birthday this past week. Happy Birthday Martin :) I've yet to try Martini but I reckon I might this weekend just to see what its like. I'll make a belated birthday toast to you if I do :)

And I have been feeling decidedly GUILTY this past week too. I have all these lovely online girlfriends from years and years ago from a Aussie mum's forum I used to frequent. I loved those girls to bits!

Still do really. Thing is we've all gotten terribly busy with older kids now and we hardly ever get in touch anymore. Despite that wonderful thing called email... do I ever really use it to just WRITE to people I love/have loved? Not that much actually. So I have decided that I'll write the girls an email this weekend to just let them know I've been thinking of them and send them my love and good wishes their way.

I have lots of friendships with women that are like this when I think about it. Deep and lasting friendships but sporadic and intermissive (is there such a word?). I mean I can catch up with these women and pick up conversations where they left off last time rarely being stuck for words or wondering what to say because of the distance thus far. There are however, sometimes significant gaps of time in between those conversations where I think about them often but rarely make the effort to maintain the energetic to-and-fro of the original consistent friendship.

Maybe I'm just too selfish of my time. I do love my freedom but my friends are also vitally important to me too and I hold each and everyone of them dear to my heart; even if we don't get to spend hours deep in conversation like we used to.

So yeah. I don't have much other than the mundane to write about at the moment. The intention is now to make blogging less focussed on the heavy material and just let it flow as it so chooses. It seems that the Bloggers Syndrome symptom of TRYING TO BE RELEVANT has caught up with me too. Not that I think I ever really was relevant in here though.

Okay... enough now! :) and yeah I know I talk too much... Martin tells me that often so I know :)

I have a second life...

Things are getting hectic.

I haven't actually abandoned my old loves such as this blog. :)

But it seems that writing is taking a back seat somewhat to a new craze I have discovered. That of the Virtual World.

It's entertaining, somewhat addictive for the moment and really, really relaxing after a very busy day with work and family duties. Beats the TV hands down really for entertainment in the evenings :)

Thanks to the indomitable Vlad Spears for pointing this whole new world out. :)

I guess I'll see you when I'm over having fun flying over the terrain and finding places to explore. I'll be back writing soon enough but I shall have to chalk this next period of time up to Experiential Learning ;) Always handy for a writer that stuff! Haha!

(ps ... I might be back writing sooner than you think actually. This whole RL/SL dichotomy is oozing with blog fodder on which to muse. Stay tuned)

Simon's hit some trigger happy nerves out there...

Poor Simon! :) He's gone and jumped, both feet, into one of the sacred cows of the "civilised" world. And he's not only done it once but twice within a matter of days.

After the horrible slaughter of people this past week in the USA, the debate is raging yet again about Gun Control.

It seems that the issue rates barely a mention in any country where they HAVE gun control whereas for the United States...certain groups are very vocal indeedy about their guns and their "right" to own them and use them how they see fit.

Saying that perhaps smacks of being really "Anti-American". I guess in this one instance I am a little.

I do NOT understand the American passion for gun ownership! I never have and I probably never will. To me it is blind selfishness and total paranoia. I realise the history of this goes waaaay back for the American people. It still doesn't make any sense to me.

I respect guns for sure. I was once in the Australian Army Reserves and have had a lot of experience with powerful rifles, sub-machine guns and the like. I do not like guns though. I find them distasteful devices that spell D.E.A.T.H. for any living thing they happen to be fired at. One can respect the power and the responsibility of owning and using a gun in say a sport like Clay-target shooting or where the farmer must destroy vermin who ravage his crops and livelihood, but owning one for any other reason than these is to me hypocritical. Of course being in any legitmate Defence Organisation like the Military is a no-brainer...war is ugly but it will always be with us unfortunately. Guns are married to that whole war thing naturally and intrinsically. I won't argue that point anymore here.

Of what PURPOSE could having a gun in ones home for "self-defence" serve? To me, it breeds mistrust and what you believe you will eventually reap.

If you believe there are people "out to get you" and that your family is only "safe" if you have your gun "by your side" ... then the liklihood is that that is exactly the culture you will breed around you. Mistrust breeds mistrust and blood spills yet more blood - be it animal or human.

I'm sorry.

This is probably the most vocal on any subject I've ever been here before. I do not wish to offend my American readers. I hope and pray that the ones who do bother to read this blog are also saddened and at a loss as to why their beautiful country has become so awash with such a mentality and sheer passion for gun ownership.

It's spiralling ever futher out of control from my perspective too. The more passionately fearful and paranoid people become in their homes and communities, the more likely it seems that the death toll and injury rate increases through the use of firearms. Safety? Of what use is safety if the very culture itself is fraught with such fear in the first place?

As for those who are beligerent about their right to bear arms, then please note that here in my country it would be an offence for me to do so and I also follow the "rules" of my constitution. There can be no gain in trying to convince me that the right to own a gun is justifiable until you prove you/they are in the Military, or the member of a clay-target shooting club or are a farmer protecting your country's food supply. All other reasons will have no truck with me.

Poor Simon. He has had to field a lot of comments this past week for his vocal dislike of lax gun laws. It may be a matter of personal perspective...then again it also might be the voice of a moderate calling for some sense in a sea of insanity.

Religion, Politics and Guns seem to bring out the polarity in all of us. We are either for or against and never the twain shall meet. It's hard to sit on the fence with any of these topics and it is kind of sad really that consensus will never actually exist because one side is either right or very, very, wrong anyway.

Rhythms or Routines

The other day I posted about my work day having a kind of gentle rhythm to it which flowed well like Jimi Hendrix playing...fluid, loose and oh so cool on the guitar.

Perhaps it would be good to explore further this concept of Rhythm and Routine.

I have routines. A routine in the strictest sense of the word is a regular but fixed set of processes that achieve a goal. I do all sorts of things that might be considered routines.

However, I balk at anything being static in my life. I don't like feeling trapped or being stagnated by my own routines!

So I've watched myself "doing" my routines and have found they aren't really routines so much as Rhythms. A rhythm is more flexible and fluid in its expression. I may do my usual daily activities out of sync but they still get done all the same to my own inner rhythm.

There is something freeing about set routines becoming rhythms. I get more done when a task or an activity is based on rhythm rather than dogmatic routine. There is a kind of ebb and flow to rhythm that is absent from mere routine. Mere routine is mundane and mindless, a kind of "You Must Do This, THIS way, All the Freaking Time" thing. I hate that! I will not be told what I must do by anyone - least of all by my own dogmatic consciousness! :)

But when those dogged, rigid routines flow like the gentle rhythm of the tide in an ocean; when they move, change, morph, and transmogrify; when they define by loose and flexible "might do" attitudes - then that appeals to me and I will follow when and if I feel like it.

Its like a flowing dance of choice with ones "stuff to do" rather than a mantra that must be recited daily in precise and contingent order.

So I have Rhythms to my day even though to you they might look like mere routines :)

How you live your life - even in the details - is always your choice.

gentle rhythms...

well! actually they are probably not so gentle really! :)

I'm listening to Jimi Hendrix "Band of Gypsys" in the car right now.

This one album - to which I have come VERY late in life it seems :) - combines nearly all my favourite genres of music in one strange and magical mix of rhythm, blues, jazz, fusion, soul, funk and pure rock.

The more I listen to it the more I can hear in it the bands I "usually" listen to. Obviously this particular Jimi Hendrix classic inspired a legion of future music icons.

I just like its groove. It is absolutely the coolest music to play in the car! :) And the fact that I am considered pretty "cool" for my music tastes, by my teenage son's mates, is a bonus I might add *wink* :)

Playing it on the drive home from work today felt completely right for the way my day transpired; with the steady rhythm of daily routines played out fluidly, a kind of gentle flow to my working day. They came with a dash of the unexpected thrown in to make them refreshing and "different" from the norm. That unexpected stuff worked with the routines today and didn't seem to throw me like they might have six months ago.

It seems that sometimes, work can be played at like Jimi played his guitar. Of course, there are times when I find work very hard and my heart and soul are not in it at all. The routines become like battles to be fought and won. There are - thank goodness - days like today too, when work flows from one process to the next in a groove that feels just right.

Jimi played his guitar like it was the easiest thing to do in the world. He made his guitar sing for him as an extention of himself. He brought his unique Gift and Genius to his guitar playing that made it stand out and shine among a plethora of other guitar players of his time.

Work can be like that if we let it. When we master the routines and they become less chores and more a kind of dance or a song, it becomes well...! Not really work I guess. There is a blending of both learning and natural Genius at work when one is at work like this.

Jimi had to learn his guitar! He had to practise at it. He got the basics down and from there he was able to build his repetoire into what I hear on this CD.

When we finally know the process instinctively...we can turn it into magic and add some sparkle to it so it isn't mundane anymore. That spark is our own natural gift blended in with the common knowledge of the work at hand and that combination of practical skill and individual Gift is what can make our work play like Jimi plays the guitar!

best laid plans..

Well! I had good intentions today.

I had this big list of things to do while my wee family went off to Melbourne to the footy.

Included in my lovely list of things to do was a big chunk of time devoted to writing! I didn't particulary care what I wrote really so long as it was something "Story-ish".

So what have I done?

Everything on that list BUT writing something "Story-ish" - and this blog post doesn't count in that equation.

So why didn't I spend my day of blissful solitude cosied up to this computer and cracking out some words?

I guess I am just not in that zone right now. Other tasks got done and I even spent a lot of down-time too doing recreational things - I just didn't really do any writing. It felt like procrastination too, like I didn't really want to put the effort into doing it. And yet... I love to write! I love being able to sit down here and churn out word after word that builds into some kind of coherent whole. It just felt like I "had to" today because I promised myself it was the perfect opportunity.

Because I applied that "Have to at all costs" label to doing some creative writing today, it suddenly lost its appeal. It became an expectation and perhaps like a performing seal, I couldn't get interested until I could smell the fishy rewards!

So moral of this story for me... whenever I think there is a good time coming to write, focus on the benefits at the end of writing rather than trying to build up the desire to begin writing. All else is just go with da flow :)

Leading from within.

My good friend Martin Spernau wondered if my recent thoughts on "Pah!" actually cast aspersions on those people who Lead From Within.

So okay! Before I explain further, what does it mean to Lead From Within?

There are people gifted at leadership. They exude a kind of wonderful charisma and if coupled with intelligence and wit can woo any number of persons to follow them along any number of paths. Of course there is leadership where the leaders are not actually gifted but have enough wealth and political power to be in leadership positions. Genuine leadership skills can be learned but there is that Born-to-lead X Factor in the best leaders.

We tend to think of Leadership as someone out front of the crowd; the outspoken, confident and knowledgeable guide to the path that lays ahead. All gifted leaders rally the troops, build morale, map out the course and focus the collective energy toward successful completion of the goal.

There is another kind of Leader who does these very things but is rarely known or seen by the masses. They are the gentle niche guardians of encouraging spirit, surreptitiously guiding and leading others - usually one-on-one or in small clusters rather than the whole collective - toward better things and places. They ARE leaders but they shun the glare of the public spotlight, preferring instead to wield their power in a more Behind-the-scenes kind of way. They support the main players and above all, encourage the whole team. They are empathic and generally sanguine and usually years ahead of their time in their attitudes and thinking.

Whereas popular leaders rely greatly on their support team in order to do their magic. Those who Lead From Within tend to bring their own magic! They seek not power nor glory, and sometimes are not that interested in fiscal rewards either although they do enjoy receiving acknowledgement for their unique contribution to the team effort.

Martin's query that those who Lead From Within might be indulging in "Pah!" highlighted my need to make another distinction between Arrogant Pride dressed up as Humility and unselfconscious serenity that doesn't need attention focused on it in order to feel better about itself!

Those who Lead From Within any group or organisation can and indeed do indulge in "Pah!"! We all do it at some point or another. Whenever we feel powerless and less than the sum of our being, we seek recognition and admiration in order to fill our psychological bellies with a sense of personal well-being. We want to be proud of ourselves as much as make others proud of us. Our human nature - our intelligence - has all sorts of tricks to get recognition and power. It's just a normal part of the human psyche really and nothing to be alarmed about. There are few human beings in this world who are never subject to a hurt pride!

But... Leading From Within is not necessarily "Pah!" itself! Those who LFW are generally more honest than that actually. It is confidence that is the difference between those who do "Pah!" as a matter of course and those who don't. "Pah!" is about puffing up the self, LFW is simply doing ones job to achieve the best outcomes for everyone.

LFW may appear to be just leadership with an "I'm so humble! Look at me!" label but if that be the case then the person isn't LFW. Effective leadership requires one to STOP thinking of the Self and focus outwards toward the OTHER, be it another person or the team.

It takes someone with basic innate confidence to accept their skills and apply them in context without seeking extra rewards or public recognition. Those who are LFW might want to be acknowledged for their skills but they don't necessarily believe its a right either. They just DO their job and bring along their particular magic to make that job sparkle and shine!

It can be hard to spot "Pah!" by the way! Some get very good at it to the point they even dupe themselves about it and never truly learn the basic truth about humility. Humility is unselfconscious confidence focused outside of the Ego. It is pride but not Pride! It seeks not to gain status for the Self but rather to support the egalitarian goals of the whole group. With "Pah!", the difference lies within the person and their attitude toward themselves and their job. What appears to be humility on the outside may in fact be "Pah!", then again it may not.

It's not a question of "dissing" anyone who maybe LFW and dumping them with this "Pah!" stuff! Martin is exceptional at LFW! :) Whether he believes he is indulging in "Pah!" is for his own introspection and not one for any of us to judge.

We can't know people's thoughts so accusing someone of "Pah!" could be very cruel. It's important that we allow people to express themselves in their own way. "Pah!" is a personal thing. We might notice it in some people and raise our eyebrows at them in judgement but in fact, "Pah!" is simply a cry for personal recognition; to be loved for who we are, as we come.

Yes it is true that "Pah!" is manipulative and dishonest and it is most certainly not true humility, however I believe it also true that it's a whole lot more common than people will admit. So before we pass judgement on anyone for indulging in "Pah!", first let's make sure we aren't looking for the same thing they are. :)

flies in the buttermilk...

Life is Good!

There are however some things I need to throw off my chest that are causing me some niggling angst.

1) I don't have time or inclination to write Stories right now. Ugh! It's getting me down. I long for that sweet zone where inclination and intention meet with Time Squared! To write stories that flow from my fingers and onto this screen with ease and sustained progress. Where time becomes a non-existent quantity, at once both slowing down and speeding up somewhere between the seconds and the hours. I think I was born to write... I just need SPACE across the spectrum of human identity; aka Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, Spiritual (a goodly dose of Psi would be nice too :))

2) I have a sinus infection that is clinging to my physical body like a leech. It should be gone by now...after nearly 4 weeks of treating it via non-traditional means. Alas it seems that a trip to a "Modern" Medico is now required to bring out the big artillary in germ warfare! Yes! I am suspecting anti-biotics! *sigh* I so wanted to avoid that but I cannot tolerate the lethargy, the head-pain and the sheer fatigue anymore. I whine! So deal! I am GRUMPY!

3) I haven't done any exercise for two weeks! Oh well... maybe I have walked once or twice but nothing really that could be called "Exercise". I miss moving my body.

4) I absolutely and completely must learn to love doing the Bookkeeping! :) Repeat after me: "I love Quickbooks Pro! I LOVE Quickbooks Pro!" *sigh* I do! Really! I do!

5) I miss Coke. Drinking it silly not that other stuff! I'm trying to clean out my body with a detox diet of sorts so I can heal from the various ailments I am currently suffering (see above). It means no caffiene for 14 days minimum! I'll get used to it although right NOW I'd really like to have that taste in my mouth! Ahhhh! I can dream.

So there you go.

Weeny, tiny little gripes of no real consequence to anyone but me. Life IS good at the moment and I have a lot to be happy about and to be grateful for. A whinge is boring if its held inside a rigid world view of depressing anxiety. These wee flies in my buttermilk above... are just that ...wee flies. They too will pass. Sometimes just saying them makes me feel a whole lot better though too.

Time for Bed! Bliss! :)

Seeya!

To Gratitude and Beyond!

I'm feeling very grateful right now :)

It's the Easter season. The day before Good Friday actually, as I write.

Good Friday is.....well.... you either "get" Good Friday or you don't! Those who believe in Christ and know Him well totally get the whole concept around Good Friday. Those who don't know Him quite so well make an effort for tomorrow and that is a good thing too :)

Lots of people I know who barely see the inside of a worship centre will acknowledge in small ways, Christ's sacrifice on Good Friday.

Some do this by choosing to eat fish for their meals on the day. It's a nice notion although it surprises me to learn that many of those I've spoken to about it believe that this tradition was set in concrete in the Bible! It wasn't!

No where in the Bible is it decreed that one MUST eat fish on Good Friday. The eating of fish is a man-made tradition assigned as a mark of respect for Christ. There is no blood in fish so the tradition of eating non-blooded foods on Good Friday accentuates the impact of Christs blood shed on the cross. It is a fine tradtion but really meaningless if you don't understand the rest of Easter!

I don't mind eating fish on Good Friday but nor do I make it a religion either! If we decide to have a barbeque with lots of other kinds of meats then we do. My faith is about the function of belief not its forms! I have no tolerance for rituals that lose their meaning and become mere habits of religiosity. Faith is a dynamic relationship not a religious exercise of habits and rules!

I digress... :)

Gratitude for this season runs deep in me every year. I may not always go to worship on Good Friday (however, I am going tomorrow so far as I know :))... and I may not always observe all the strictures applied by mankind to the day.... but it IS a day of great personal meaning for me and I am humbled and awed by it every time.

I am, as a result, deeply grateful for the many other things in my life beyond the fact of Good Friday. I have an amazing family, a wonderful bunch of friends and all manner of comforts and needs met that right at this moment astound me.

Life is Good despite its sucky bits. I HAVE what I need for this time.

May you find such joy as this when you survey the blessings you have around you too :)

Have a safe and wonderful Easter Season.

Pah!

"Pah!"

...a phrase which is fabulously coined by the very smart and savvy EM Sky from a previous post I made recently.

The definition of "Pah!"?

Well as I alluded to in that post, it stands for Perverse Arrogant "Humility".

This is where someone acts like they're really very humble and meek etc but they are simply seeking to be the centre of attention and get lots of recognition and kudo's for being so "wonderfully" humble and meek etc.

Lots of people do "Pah!". Some a lot more than others of course but nevertheless there is the tendency of the human being to make themselves look good amongst their Peers wherever possible and if "Pah!" makes being the centre of attention work - then that's what people will do - act all sweetness and humble pie in order to get what they want... recognition and social standing.

It's Arrogant Superiority dressed to kill in low down-trodden heels really. It's the reverse of the Small Me Syndrome.

The SMS is sheer lack of self-confidence. "Pah!" is total arrogant confidence that one is at the Centre of the groups focus and concern.

People who do "Pah!" are adept at appearing to be self-less but their arrogant assumption that it is really they who control things... they just like to make it look like they don't so that everyone will fawn over them and boost their over-inflated Ego's even more with complimentary praise!

I confess to being an expert at "Pah!"

I have even pretended that it was true humility on occasion but often it is simply just fishing for compliments to back what I already know...that I have control of the group with the power I wield in being the "humble servant of all". I'm not proud of this of course.

I've always lacked confidence in my Self so to gain personal power I have used my "smallness" on occasion with ingratiating "humility" and politeness to climb the social ladder.

Now that I'm all "grown up" (some might beg to differ on that statement ;))... it's time to give up being childishly manipulative and be honest with my Self first and with others second. This blog itself could be classified borderline "Pah!"... it may seek to coerce people into thinking that I am so wonderfully and "refreshingly" honest and "humble" in expressing such sentiments about myself! yeah! That maybe quite true. I DO want to be congratulated for being so outstandingly "honest" for saying this stuff!

Stuff and nonsense! Who really cares? It's not wise to assume that everyone is remotely interested in everything I have to say and being all humble pie about my dirty psychological laundry won't change that fact.

True Humility isn't interested in control or recognition. It seeks to better the world for everyone, the demonstrator of that humility included. It is neither perverse and nor is it arrogant. True Humility loves people and the Self without looking to feather ones egocentric nest with compliments, praise, kudo's or gain of any kind. True Humility isn't smallness, or lack of confidence. In fact only the truely confident can ever be truly humble for their interest is not self-seeking in the first place.

Is sex controlled by women?

Been musing about this lately.

I've come to the tentative conclusion that women in partnered* heterosexual relationships seem to have right of way when it comes to determining just how much sex actually happens between them and their beloved.

I see sex as a form of communication.

I also believe it to be a dichotomous mix of selfish desires that demand attention as well as (hopefully) a selfless desire to bring joy and pleasure to another person. There's a fine balance to meeting these two seemingly opposing forces. There really isn't anything totally "unconditional" about sex, its too reciprocal and it's also just too easy to get the messages the act conveys all mixed up and miscontrued inside our heads.

Still, mankind has been fascinated by sex for millenia. The topic (not so much the act itself) travels between this figure 8-like pendulum of repression and then expression with each successive generation trying to figure out why and how the last one "got it all wrong".

Most people I speak to seem to think that sex and the sex act is very much instigated and initiated by men. Whilst this may be true I'm beginning to wonder if the longer the duration of relationship between a man and woman, the MORE likely it will be that it is the woman who controls when (and perhaps where) sex occurs.

I've spoken to many of my friends and co-workers about sex and hidden in amongst the dry wit and innuendo lies a darker thread of intriguing social conditioning. The girls refrain & sabotage when they're "not in the mood" and play coquette when they are... the men are often left bereft and bewildered. The standing joke among the men in my circle is "What is a man's idea of foreplay? Half an hour of begging!"

Good relationships between loving partners* involves good sex. Good sex is a two-way street of giving and receiving with equality and compromise. Good sex is like a really good wine, it lubricates and adds flavour to what is a satisfying meal - in this case the relationship is the meal. Good sex is not meant to be a control thing; its meant to be a natural expression of love and commitment that brings romance, wonder, pleasure and the satisfaction of deep intimacy through the union.

Dang that's easy to write but oh so hard to actually do huh? Sex is so often misunderstood, misinterpreted, misconstrued, misrepresented, just...missed more often than not.

When women control too much of the sexual expression within a relationship, sex is actually reduced to that of a weapon. The question remains though. Do women really control sex? If men control the sex in a relationship is that construed as "rape"? Sheesh! I don't know!! What a scary thought!

It's really difficult to know for sure. You see sex for women is tied up with their whole world, emotionally, physically, intellectually and spiritually. It's not a contained isolated thing that can be separated out from the rest of our lives. Sex for women is a 24/7 deal. It's about how we feel, how we think, how we think we look, how we are treated and the stuff we tell ourselves about ourselves and our partners inside our heads. Sex for women is nearly entirely centred inside the brain. When a man understands this and brings love, affection, respect and above all really good communication to his relationship with a woman - he's very likely to be getting lots of very good sex indeedy.

Where women feel used, abandoned, unloved, undesired, ugly, tired, or under appreciated, it is difficult to find interest or desire in sex after the bedroom door is closed. It becomes easy to feign all manner of 'inconveniences' to making sex a priority in the relationship when that happens.

So do you agree? Do women control sex or not? The jury is out.


[*Because I am so grossly unaware of what sex is like between gay and lesbian partners, I've chosen to limit this topic to heterosexual relationships.]

Goodbye Farewell Amen

Dick Richards is closing the public forum, The Genius Workshop.

It's a sad thing really but it has had its day it seems. Activity has been slow on the forum for quite some time now.

I had a moment of Perverse Arrogant "Humility" (Yes! there is such a thing - stay tuned :)) where I thought that perhaps it was "me" who had effectively alienated the wonderful people on the workshop with my loquacious and bubbling "Perspicacity" etc and shut down the group by default.

My intentions were always to help others but I do wonder if perhaps I "helped" to the point of being too talkative and opinionated.

Oh well! It is the way I tend to be in groups and I have always struggled with that balance between being subdued so others can have their say and being strong-minded and forceful in saying my bit. To say I tend toward the latter more often than not is an understatement *blush*.

The workshop has been a watershed for me in many ways. It has not only helped me to find the name of my own Genius, it has brought me new friends and subsequently a lot of personal growth.

Dick Richards is to be congratulated for being brave enough to offer such a public forum for those of us keen to find their inner Gift. Those who participated are to be congratulated for being brave enough to share their very personal journey's with such honesty and open-minded integrity.

The search to name ones Genius is a journey of intense personal interrogation and discovery. It can be painful and enlightening. It is however one of the most valuable personal growth exercises anyone can do.

Perhaps it - looking to find ones genius - seems like one giant self-interested, narcissistic wank to some, but in all seriousness, being conscious of how one IS in the world can make a big difference to how we can make the world a better place... for everyone.

Thanks Dick for letting me be a part of this project with you.

To everyone I spoke to via the workshop: May you find and name that special "Thing" within you that makes you wonderful and unique in the world. May it bring you much blessing and joy as you seek to exercise that Genius and your Purpose in life.

No regrets.

soul gaps

having believed in Christ since a very young child...it is really difficult for me to write about what it must be like to NOT believe in the Christian Gospel and in Christs Divinity etc.

I do think there is a "hole in the soul" of every living person (not sure about animals at this stage so am leaving them out of this equation until further info comes to hand ;)).

This "hole in the soul" is a God-shaped hole. It is the empty space that can ONLY be filled by something very difficult to describe in mere words. The hole in the soul cannot be filled by material gain, acceptance, ones talents or beauty; it can't be traded for spak-filler, glue, rubber flashing or anything stop-gappish in nature. The hole in the soul inside all of us requires something quite different to fill it.

Now for those who do not believe in God/Christ/the Gospel - there is an element of disatisfaction that I see in their lives that runs very deep. Many non-christians I know don't even realise they HAVE a hole inside deep within the secret recesses of their being. But I see it and it irks me that they try so hard to "fill" it with all manner of nonsense such as money and possessions etc.

Then there are those who say they're believers and yet the hole in their soul is GiNORMOUS! A total irony really! They have witnessed the most wonderous thing and have been given unreserved inclusion into the most incredible gift and yet.... there is still this big hole in their soul that is "missing" something very important in that recipe.

What is it?

What fills the hole in the soul?

What substance could possibly be available that would fill that gap of self-seeking compensation for lack thereof?

Quite fundamentally I believe it is Hope. My God is a God of Hope as well as Love beyond comprehension :)

Christ for me is my Hope. I can sense Love and I can have Faith but without Hope they're meaningless. Of what point is being a believer if I have no Hope in the Gospel being true? Of what point is my Faith if it does nothing but make me look quite foolish (and I know it can) if I don't have Hope that it will be worth it in the end? Of what point is gaining all this STUFF in my life - including beloved friends, family members, cats, dogs, acquisitions and personal growth if it does not add value to the Hope I have of being with Christ for Eternity.

Hope for me is the positive outpouring of an energy that brings unseeable rewards IN this moment and which I believe will last beyond the grave.

And even if there is reincarnation of the soul - I shall cling to the Hope I have in Christ that it is all going to be worth it. I don't really care right now if I come back as a crustacean because my hole is filled with the Hope that Christ will stand by his promises to me as a human being in THIS life-time! I AM and always will be HIS child and NOTHING will ever separate me from that fact.

All my weaknesses, all my flaws, all my faults, stupidities, acts of violence, abnormalities of mind and heart, my cringe-worthiness, my loves, my joys, my secret desires and dreams, my honesty, my dishonesty, my trust, and untrustworthiness: all of it counts as "something" worthy of consideration by God. It's not arrogance to think of myself like this... he assures me he loves me that much! What that gives me fills that god-shaped gap I have buried inside of me in ways I can only barely comprehend and gives me hope.

I'm grateful for that :)

Soulmating again

This theme is currently recurring for me and I still struggle with it.

I wrote this awhile ago and while I still believe a lot of what I wrote in that piece...the IDEA of there being one ideally matched person to your inner bean still intrigues and absorbs me with its potential.

What does it MEAN to BE a soulmate to someone?

It is my understanding thus far that there are a couple of things that constitute an accurate picture of a true soulmate partnership.

The definition of soulmate in this context would be that of your "other" half. The subtle resonant piece of "your true self" that has been thus far "missing" from your life. It would be the unique expression of a side of you that you understand implicitly and "know" instinctively...except that it resides in a completely different persona.

The idea is that when you connect with this other half of your soul - there is a vibrational charge of emotional, psychic, mental, and occasionally physical understanding of that other person.

They may not look anything like you. They may not even have the same tastes, the same likes and dislikes or the same background as yourself. However, there is a very strong and compelling connection between the two people that goes beyond mere "Best Buddies"; you just get each other without having to try. The relationship is entirely natural and instinctive.

You may not necessarily always understand each other on a surface level as in basic communication - aka language etc - but you very much understand each other at a much more fundamental and wholistic level.

One of the other key factors is that once you meet with your soulmate, it is difficult to be separate from that other. The desire to connect the two halves of the soul is strong and inevitable. This is not always sexual in nature however. There is every likelihood that the relationship is one of Teacher/Student, Muse/Creative, Elder/Youth in appearance. The intrinsic underlying depth of understanding and respect is what is most apparent.

Our Soulmate KNOWS us in ways no one else can truly know us. They may also drive us completely nuts with their own unique foibles and personality but at the same time we feel very much "at home" with them and need, enjoy and desire their companionship and company very much.

There is also the liklihood that your soulmate can cause you considerable pain, particularly emotionally. The pain is possibly bitter-sweet and perhaps unbearable, but the reasons for it may be part of a complicated lesson of life that you learn through this connection.

Soulmates are about the big picture of life; a purposeful journey together toward growth and maturity that can have massive repercussions for everything - and everyone - they encounter.

That famous line, "You complete me", in the movie "Jerry Macquire" became the catchphrase for soulmates everywhere, and in a way our soulmate - under this particular definition - does indeed "complete" us in ways beyond human comprehension and sometimes reason too.

The relationship is eternal, spiritual, instinctive, resonant, effective and charged with emotion, intuition and creative energy.

So if you do find such a soulmate then God speed to both of you as you travel your path together. It could be quite a ride :)

If you don't like it after the first bite... I'll give you your money back!

That's exactly what I tell new customers to our pie and pastry shop. I've been doing that for the past three years or so. It took a fair bit of courage to do it the first time but now I'm used to it and don't hesitate to offer our new clientele a money-back-guarantee on their take-away food purchase.

Basically I guarantee them that if they don't like their first couple of mouthfuls of one of our pies or pasties, then I will return them their money back no question!

Well... I "would" have questions such as what was it they didn't like about the product etc. That's just basic "How can we fix this?" stuff that kind of information.

But I've only had two customers return the uneaten portion and ask for their money back! That was two years ago! There was an issue with our water supply at the time and we solved it swiftly. The problem actually wasn't ours but we wore the cost - small as it proved to be to keep those customers happy.

I had a customer come in today and he asked if we had any Pizza Pies left and I said "Of course!" and as he handed over his money, he looked me in the eye and said "You gave me a guarantee last time that I would totally love this pie - and I did - so now I'm back for another one!"

And that money-back offer still stands! If he hadn't like it this time - I'd have given him his money back!

Most customers I say this to are absolutely blown away by a mere bakery offering them such a gurantee! But it sure makes them smile. You see its a win-win for all of us. The customer is reassured they're not going to be disappointed either way and I'm constantly reassured by the fact they always come back and tell me how much they enjoyed their pie. Its as if offering them the guarantee, guarantees I will get positive feedback everytime! It also tells me that our product is still among the best and yummiest available! :)

It's been good for business that line! Don't knock it! :)

Entschuldigen Sie, bitte. Sprechen Sie Englisch?

I'm getting serious now! The book and CD's arrived today :)

My Goddaughter, lives in Germany. She's only 2 but it's hard to talk to her because she doesn't yet know any English and I am far, far worse than her at German!

So even though "Ich verstehe ein bisschen Deutsch" ... I soooooo need to get better at it if I ever hope to communicate with her and her family effectively through the coming years.

Wünschen Sie mir Glück.

The inexorable "Yes"!

Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. Matt 5:37 NIV

I'm still on about relationships! :) I probably always will be you know! Love and passion fascinate me. So does Romance! I enjoy pulling apart and re-constructing the nuances of how we, as human beings, operate and engage with each other socially.

So okay. A bible verse today huh? Yep! This does have a point - bear with me!

It's about how we communicate with our nearest and dearest; that what we say must match how we do.

We may say emphatically, and believe it to be true to our very core, demand we be given the benefit of the doubt when we say we love someone, that we adore them, that we shall support them in everything from here on in; but if that stuff isn't made clear in our being... then its not the Truth at all!

No one I believe wants an emphatic lie. A lie is an untruth that seeks to protect the egocentric Self from being made less than it wishes to be. A lie covers. It is deceitful and selfish. It is not about love or peace, hope or self-control! Its about manipulation and someone-else-control. A lie dishonours even when its meant to "not hurt anyones feelings".

Truth exposes and makes light fall in dark corners. It can be cruel but it is nonetheless the Truth. Truth is never relative. It just IS the Truth! Nothing can stand in the way of Truth. The truth is honest and it is compelling. The Truth makes things change. It can be uncompromising. Like the glare of the burning midday sun - the Truth makes known every shadow.

When we speak to those we love we need to remember this about Truth. It is obvious when there is Truth - when there isn't - there is fear, confusion, mixed messages, pain, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. There is no clarity or coherence here - just a jumbled mix of selves striving for recognition amidst the noise of empty words.

What we say to our loved ones must be borne out in our bodies - in our shape and persona - the truth of our words.

A lie can slide off the tongue like silk. We can detect lies with machines now because our body never lies. Our muscles, our matter, our being in this corporeal world is solid, immutable, inexorable Truth! We lie and our bodies defy it in tightened muscles, drawn in breaths, beads of sweat, blushes and rapid eye flickers! Our bodies can never lie (unless rigorously trained to be in agreement with the lie!)

What we say to our loved ones needs to match our actions. In order for them to trust us, the words that slip out of our mouths so easily, must bear the fruit of honesty, integrity and the resounding YES of Truth. To move our relationships forward, to progress and grow together in unity and potential harmony, the foundation of trust and love are built on our Yes being made a real Yes in the very fabric of our beings and our No being equally a real No!

It isn't about being positive or namby-pamby sugar and spice, this stuff; it's about having integrity and being consistent - coherent even - that our words have real meaning because they're backed up by our real action!

Be who and what you are by all means...and remember that what you ARE often speaks louder than what you merely say.

At the heart of it, there lies control

Self-absorption is an obvious general theme to this blog but you know...I don't always write this stuff for any readers I might have - although having readers is a really nice thing of course - sometimes I just write for me. It's my way of clarifying the thoughts I have had inside my head and morphing them into some kind of coherent form.

So with that preamble, you may now guess that the following is über introspective and very personal so if it bores you to hear people ranting and raving about their own stuff... leave now :)

The current journey on this path called the Evolving Emancipation of Michelle revealed another astonishing personal insight into my character today.

Relationships are strange beasts. They sneak up on you and take you by surprise and sometimes they suck and sometimes they sing.

We all of us want our relationships to sing sweetly all the time huh? I do!

I don't like conflict or noisome and unwinnable argumentative stuff in my relationships...and yet I seem to attract it! I'm a sucker for the hyper-dramatic scene I guess!

Most of my life has been a finely honed balance between twin desires. One is freedom: I am independant and stubborn and I do not like being told what to do or how to be! I'm not wilful, but I am quietly obstinate until I choose to change my mind. I like my own space! Having grown up in many different living environments that included strangers - not just family - I've learned how to get along with people! It has also encouraged a deep abiding NEED within me to have my own spaces. In my head, in my heart, in my body, in my world - I crave the freedom of solitude a lot.

The second is closeness. I long for very close, intimate and stable relationships that can weather all manner of emotional storms. I yearn for the kind of intimacy that doesn't necessarily involve sex, but is about the cojoined union of hearts and minds - a kind of coherence of soul bounded by strong loyalty and committment on the scale of a million lifetimes.

I rarely sustain that kind of closeness for I hardly ever allow myself to get "that" close to anyone even though I might want it so badly! And if I do get that close to someone...the relationship tends to dissolve over time due to the intensity of it. It quite literally burns itself out. I do it deliberately. Self-protection is a symptom of lack of confidence apparently. Besides, there are not many human-beings in this world who can tolerate this dichotomy in me for very long. It takes an individual with the patience of Job and a will of iron to live with and love Michelle! :)

I also don't get too close to most people because of that first one - the freedom one! The two are, to all intents and purposes, mutually exclusive. How can one be free AND close at the same time? How can one be close to another and yet feel like they're not being slowly suffocated by that?

So... here's the thing! I control.

I control where I never ever believed or knew that I was controlling!

The balancing act of achieving the kind of closeness with another person I crave and desire as opposed to my strong need to be completely unshackled by the constraints of that kind of partnership is a tough gig! It's no wonder I can seem so confused and vascillating at times.

Maybe all humans self-protect via their emotional sources. I am not qualified to say if that is or isn't so. But I do know I do.

And I do it by being a little aloof in some relationships - where I do not have a vested interest in the closeness aspect. Alternatively, I am more than a little intense in some relationships - where I do not have quite so high an interest in the freedom aspect or it is already a given.

I was always attracted to the unavailable (until I met my beloved husband) and now I can see why. The unavailable gives me an "out" (freedom) but it also consistently feeds that urgent desire inside of me for closeness and intimacy too.

And so I control my relationships to achieve both results - not only confusing those around me but myself above all! It seems I am rarely clear on what I want from my relationships and this has to change! I may do what I do instinctively, but perhaps its time now to Question my Beliefs on this stuff and grow wings of EITHER Independance OR Closeness.

Can I make this a choice? Don't know! The habits of a life-time of living and relating with other people will be/are tough to break - I don't even know if I really want to yet. It's scary to think that I may have to choose between one or the other in opposition to what I would naturally desire to do. It may not even be a wise thing to do. Perhaps I just need to BE as I am - as I always was - but let this new insight into my character develop its own verisimilitude.

I do know that I might need to let go of the control and that could be the hardest thing of all.

I never thought in a million years...

that I would be very seriously considering getting a macbook for my first laptop!

I'm still in "shopping" mode just for the moment but this is the best part of any new venture really...shopping around and getting to know your product before you commit.

It's a bit like a romantic relationship really...between ones computer and ones self.

You kind of check each other out.
You "meet".
You decide if you like each other.
You get obsessive with each other and can't bear to be parted.
You feel a little bereft and lost when apart.
You settle into the comfortable rhythm that comes from intimate knowlege and trust in each other.

"My" Macbook is out there waiting patiently for me to make the leap of faith I need to change from being a PC girl from way back to being a Macbook carrying type (is there a type?). Will it be my "knight in shining armour"? I have no idea! I do hope though that it will be a faithful workhorse and give me many years of sturdy and reliable service.

A computer is not just a "tool" anymore in my view. A computer - particularly one that has high speed internet access - is perhaps now pretty much an extention of ones own identity. It literally becomes a kind of second "Self", not entirely separate - but sometimes very different - from the Self you believe you are and/or present yourself to be in the Real World. This box of light and wires is an ad hoc addendum of The Mind!

I shall blame Spernau though if it - this new love-affair - all goes pear-shaped! hehehe (I won't really Martin! I promise! :)). He's so Mac now he goes just a weeny bit nuts if he has to work with 'that other brand'! *wink* But he has pretty much convinced me now that its a good plan to switch camps. At the very least - I can always bribe him for tech support! Huh? :)

In truth, my sudden leap to this change of platform is because I am quite frankly "tired" of the hoopla that surrounds a lot of the "new" stuff from the PC camp. The newest operating system now available in PC's and laptops by Microsoft is going to be just as big a learning curve as OS X "Tiger" so its not a stretch really now to make the switch. :)

It's all very exciting though. My dad will laugh his head off - seeing as I will need to eat humble pie and concede defeat when I was so adamant he was "wrong" to get himself an Apple Mac for his very first computer a couple of years ago! *sigh* Live and learn huh?

So anyway. There are some things that need to happen first before "my" Macbook is curled up in my arms. First and foremost is getting a secure WLAN set up here at home.

When one has teenagers in the house... getting uninterrupted time on broadband internet is a scarce thing unless you happen to get up with the birds, like I do for this very reason. But, I DO need to access the net regularly for various work and leisure pursuits and I WOULD like to do that without having "Are you done yet Mum?" in my ears every minute or so!

So yeah! This is a fun new project and I'm looking forward to the possibilities that present. At some point this coming year, this blog just might be written on a MAC! Wow! Who'd have thought that?