Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Is sex controlled by women?

Been musing about this lately.

I've come to the tentative conclusion that women in partnered* heterosexual relationships seem to have right of way when it comes to determining just how much sex actually happens between them and their beloved.

I see sex as a form of communication.

I also believe it to be a dichotomous mix of selfish desires that demand attention as well as (hopefully) a selfless desire to bring joy and pleasure to another person. There's a fine balance to meeting these two seemingly opposing forces. There really isn't anything totally "unconditional" about sex, its too reciprocal and it's also just too easy to get the messages the act conveys all mixed up and miscontrued inside our heads.

Still, mankind has been fascinated by sex for millenia. The topic (not so much the act itself) travels between this figure 8-like pendulum of repression and then expression with each successive generation trying to figure out why and how the last one "got it all wrong".

Most people I speak to seem to think that sex and the sex act is very much instigated and initiated by men. Whilst this may be true I'm beginning to wonder if the longer the duration of relationship between a man and woman, the MORE likely it will be that it is the woman who controls when (and perhaps where) sex occurs.

I've spoken to many of my friends and co-workers about sex and hidden in amongst the dry wit and innuendo lies a darker thread of intriguing social conditioning. The girls refrain & sabotage when they're "not in the mood" and play coquette when they are... the men are often left bereft and bewildered. The standing joke among the men in my circle is "What is a man's idea of foreplay? Half an hour of begging!"

Good relationships between loving partners* involves good sex. Good sex is a two-way street of giving and receiving with equality and compromise. Good sex is like a really good wine, it lubricates and adds flavour to what is a satisfying meal - in this case the relationship is the meal. Good sex is not meant to be a control thing; its meant to be a natural expression of love and commitment that brings romance, wonder, pleasure and the satisfaction of deep intimacy through the union.

Dang that's easy to write but oh so hard to actually do huh? Sex is so often misunderstood, misinterpreted, misconstrued, misrepresented, just...missed more often than not.

When women control too much of the sexual expression within a relationship, sex is actually reduced to that of a weapon. The question remains though. Do women really control sex? If men control the sex in a relationship is that construed as "rape"? Sheesh! I don't know!! What a scary thought!

It's really difficult to know for sure. You see sex for women is tied up with their whole world, emotionally, physically, intellectually and spiritually. It's not a contained isolated thing that can be separated out from the rest of our lives. Sex for women is a 24/7 deal. It's about how we feel, how we think, how we think we look, how we are treated and the stuff we tell ourselves about ourselves and our partners inside our heads. Sex for women is nearly entirely centred inside the brain. When a man understands this and brings love, affection, respect and above all really good communication to his relationship with a woman - he's very likely to be getting lots of very good sex indeedy.

Where women feel used, abandoned, unloved, undesired, ugly, tired, or under appreciated, it is difficult to find interest or desire in sex after the bedroom door is closed. It becomes easy to feign all manner of 'inconveniences' to making sex a priority in the relationship when that happens.

So do you agree? Do women control sex or not? The jury is out.

[*Because I am so grossly unaware of what sex is like between gay and lesbian partners, I've chosen to limit this topic to heterosexual relationships.]

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