Monday, April 28, 2008

Sabbatical on aMusing

I'll be taking a sabbatical from writing here for the forseeable future. Not sure how long I will be away from this blog. We will see.

I have some work to do on my real life and I want to record it but not in this forum.

I may be back but I don't know right now.

Perspective is everything and I am jumping off bridges to figure out mine.

Perspective is everything

I'm coming to the realisation that this fact is more powerful than I ever gave it credit for.

I used to look at this saying and dismiss it in my mind somewhat, as being a bit prosaic and unnecessary. Whatever situation you are in will only ever have the perspective you give it right?


Thing is...the human mind is somewhat inclined to imagine and construct only those perspectives that it has either seen before or can imagine as occurring under similar circumstances. The mind rarely concludes a perspective that is outside of its own experience or knowledge.

It's important to develop a vast range of perspectives so that one doesn't get trapped inside circles of thought where only a few beliefs - aka perspectives - and points of view - aka perspectives - are available to you.

The addendum to perspective is Knowledge but that's a topic for another day.

When I was a little girl, I was drawn to an article in an old Australian women's magazine about Oracles.

There was this big chart in the magazine with lots of symbols and a page of questions you could ask. You held the question in your mind and then closed your eyes and asked that question and then when you felt the moment was right you waved your finger over the page of symbols and then pointed blindly.

On opening your eyes, you would see the symbol you had chosen and then could look up the corresponding "answer" to your question.

It was good fun albeit my christian friends would scream in horror that it was a great "evil" I am sure. Enough of that for now.

One of my questions as a child was "Will I travel?". Even as a kid I longed to see the places of the world I had read about in my beloved books.

The oracle came back with this answer "You will go on one long one that will cost you a very great deal".

I never forgot that.

In my childlike innocence, I processed that answer quite literally and absorbed it into my consciousness as a "truth" that could not be broken. For years and years, I've believed that I would only ever go on one trip overseas that would cost a great deal.

As the years went by, I did indeed go on a long trip overseas. I went as a mission group member of what was then called Lutheran Youth Encounter to the USA and India. That trip did not cost me much in terms of finances, but I did learn I was losing my eyesight and eventually lost the sight...and the beauty...of my left eye.

I thought that was the answer to that oracle sorted there.

It isn't.

Perspective is everything.

I finally grew up! And only this month I realised something about that answer regarding trips and travel that made me laugh out loud at my own stupidity!

You see...the oracle said "You will go on ONE trip that will cost you a very great deal". It didn't say it would be my ONLY trip!

My childlike perspective at the time was inclined to see the word "one" and assume it meant "only". I did so for many years with great heart-seated disappointment that I would never get to travel as much as I had dreamed.

Perspective now teaches me that there are many options within one answer. I will go on more trips, some long, some short over time. Some of these may perhaps cost me a great deal too, financially, emotionally, physically and some of them may not.

That answer implied I would have *A* trip in my life. I had a perspective until recently, that believed "one" meant "only".

Now that I am much older than my childlike self, I have realised that my options aren't limited after all.

Perspective is everything.

The balancing act I perform between my assumptions about reality and my emotional perspective, is as if I stand on a rope bridge of self-limiting beliefs. I fear the heights, so I cling to the ropes of a particular perspective.

There are other ways of managing the rope bridge that bring value to my perspective. And maybe, bungee jumping off the side of that bridge could be one of them.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

letting go

I had a wish I wanted to come true.

It hasn't.

It may.

But for now, its not likely.

I lost something today that I had put high stakes of hope into. It is not to be as I had hoped after all.

I am sad to my core. Emptied out and crushed.

I know its not the end. There are never endings, but new beginnings. However, I want to grieve the passing of this hope I had and let it go.

If you love deeply you find joy and even when that joy gets smashed against the rocky shores of reality, it will find its way back to you again even so...if you let it.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

the fine line between truth and fantasy


A quite good fun movie if a little bit rough around the edges in terms of quality and acting skill.

I was interested to check to see if the legend that inspires this movie about Frank T. Hopkins was reasonably accurate.

With Hollywood, nothing can be guaranteed Truth, so I did a tiny bit of research on that most reliable of information sources - The Internet (*cough cough*).

What a controversy!

Some saying he was a lier and a total fake and others saying they knew him as a unsurpassed Horseman who was skilled in the saddle such as depicted in the movie.

So The Truth about Mr Hopkins remains a bit of a mystery really and I guess in all fairness, its probably best to assume that both sides of the story are probably somewhere in the middle.

If he WAS as great as they suggest in the film... we'd have all known about him and his legendary races long before the movie came out.

If he WAS a lier and showman/charlatan, then it sort of doesn't gel that he is espoused for his humane and long-standing evidence of Horse Husbandry. A charlatan isn't usually inclined toward doing actual humane things to people or animals.

And besides, it doesn't really matter now that he's dead and gone and in his stead has left a legacy of doubt and a controversial movie for us to ponder about :)

That's quite some legacy in and of its own right you know. Infamy can be just as rewarding as fame in the end.

The fact is the man...if he existed at all... made an impact on the world in a small way.

That's something we all aspire to in one form or another.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Life is a conundrum to be solved.

Having realised, recently, that this meme is a strong value within me, I am noticing how it affects my behaviours and thinking toward my Life Path.

We all of us want Perfection.

We seek it, claim it, harbour and hoard it, want it, desire it, are passionate and persistent in its pursuit.

We KNOW that nothing in this earth IS actually Perfect. Yet, we also instinctively know that there lies a realm of perfection in spite of this fact.

What defines perfect is anyones guess really. Perfect for one is not perfect for another. There is no global definition for defining perfect precisely such that others know it at the same time as everyone else.

What we generally get in lieu of perfection is an approximation of it. A sort of coherent blob of defining essences that sort of collude and seem close to the ideal of what should and could be Perfect.

I try to solve Life in pursuit of this perfection.

I get myself into all sorts of emotional and intellectual bother as a result. I prefer a bit of distance between my thinking and my emotional state. When I can observe and anaylyse my emotional state from a distance, it doesn't hurt so much and nor am I reduced to actually having to walk through those messy and terribly irrational emotions either!

I AM very very emotional. It disgusts and annoys me. If I can detach and remain cool in spite of feeling deeply, I am fine. Then I can proceed to analytically and strategically think my way through the conundrum that has triggered the emotions in the first place. My goal is to solve them and remove them from the equation and find peaceful perfect balance again.

Thing is; emotions just ARE. I can no more stop them than I could a freight train on an downward incline!

My thinking ends up feeding my emotional state and sending it into such spasms of confusion and disarray that I am left reeling, bewildered, stunned and totally incapable of making a rational and necessary decision.

I require coherent logic. I am mostly emo idiocy!

Life is a conundrum of imperfect thoughts and feelings, places, things, people and energy. Fitting all the pieces together is a persistent pursuit in the hope that an approximation of perfection can be attained.

food game

Last year I was incredibly disciplined in my diet and weight loss goal. I lost somewhere in the vacinity of 20kgs I think. Not sure exactly how much it was.

I ate extremely healthy food and practically eliminated most of the junk from my diet almost overnight although I still indulged on the odd occasion.

This past month finds me eating eratically and I am fast falling back into old habits again.

Most of it is emotional.

I am an emotional eater! It feels like one is confessing their secret addiction, but I am seriously an emotional feeler type eater.

I am hungry all the time currently and its only because food sates the anxiety within so immediately. Fast, efficient salty, fatty high-carb foods that buzz my system with happy pleasure chemicals. I feel peace when I eat because the sensation of the food overrides the hunger within.

Hunger for what?

Resolution. Gain. This. That.

It's a long story.

I'm aware of my issue in this. Stopping it will take time and some deep soul searching about my emotional "issues" I want and need to deal with.

I don't WANT to be the size I was again but that desire isn't currently strong enough to sway me into keeping on the narrow path toward wellness. 99 percent of "dieting" is inside the head, in the part that says "I CAN and I WILL" and is happy and positive that success will be assured.

Too often, we say we are going to "lose" weight only to fail dismally at it the very next mouthful of creamy, cheesy lasagna! The missing link is the optimism and the determined belief in being able to win to the point where lasagna is a non-issue and salad greens are!

It is about what we put into our mouths and it is about how we perceive our choices as we do so.

I am emotional eater. I followed my mum's example from my childhood on this. When she was bored or stressed she snacked. But we snacked on the good stuff. Sweet biscuits mostly in those days.

For me, my emo food of choice is bread. LOTS of bread and bread-type foods. Pastries run a close second.

When I was a kid, we didn't have a lot of really fancy foods easily available (except for those sweet biscuits), and I in my youthful vigor and raging hunger would head for the loaf of bread and the toaster. Lashings of butter/marg and blackberry jam thrill me like nothing else for a quick fix easy meal for soothing the blackened soul within.

I know its time to stop. To stop the bread addiction and deal with the actual problem that underlies it.

I feel very much like I am swimming through mud emotionally lately. There is some heavy duty shit on my emotional radar right now which I won't go into here.

Food will not solve this for me but I am using it as a stop-gap comfort even so.

The things we fail at are often the things that teach us best. I am currently failing at my diet strategy. It's teaching me to deal with the core issues of which there are many. It's teaching me to have courage and face my fears of which I have many of those too. It's teaching me that I have little will power when I hurt inside.

My self-esteem requires that I claw some dignity and that will power back. I refuse to be towed under by my own emotional negative excesses.

How I do that is a strategy that requires I face my emotions head on and accept them and work through them without leaning on food as a drug to fleetingly assuage the pain

Sunday, April 13, 2008

I so hate the simpsons

Having to share this space here in this lounge room with teenagers is really beginning to annoy me!

I have done it for a LONG time now.

I am sooo OVER The Simpsons and Futurama and "The Family Guy" as to be almost sick with disgust when they are on the tv.

My son seems inexorably attracted to these shows to the point where I want to scream "ENOUGH!"

Which I just did by the way *blush*

And so now...we have to endure the inane youth pop culture shows on the Fuel channel *sigh*

I really really really REALLY want my own office space! This sharing of space is about to wreck havoc on my sanity today!

How do people in jam-packed, crowded civilations around the world COPE with living on top of one another?

How do they manage to assuage their frustration for privacy and space when they must share every square inch of space with family and others?

How can they limit their emotional intensity and propensity toward frustration, anger, depression and anxiety when they are surrounded by the temperamental flesh of other people all the time?

Perhaps I am moaning about nothing much! I should perhaps be "grateful" that I do have opportunities to make space for myself. But it isn't as easy as it might sound. Our house has only one main living area. To find myself a space for private peace and reflection and space to write freely without distraction just isn't the option I crave to have.

Argh! I like the television but on my terms, which currently are limited to the occasional show on the sci-fi channel, the weather channel, or the food channel *blush*. My children apparently beg to differ and I am more or less forced to endure the crap that is The Simpsons in various guises!


Friday, April 11, 2008

125 versions of Love


I'm not exactly sure that there is indeed 125 forms of "Love" - I just said it coz it sounds good as a blog title.

I've been wondering for some time now about all the varieties of actual attachment or affection we imbue into the one English word called 'Love'.

I notice advertising that says "You'll love our pies", or, "You'll just love our new range" and, "Lovin' it!".

Then there are the full gamut of human relationships that are encompassed within the word 'Love'. All these loves are quite different in nature and style, expression and ideal, but we still use the word 'Love' in order to convey the shades of attachment and affection we attend to these relationships.

Is it possible to invent new words that mean exactly, the relationship to the person or product without having to use the global word 'Love', which to be honest, kind of loses its impact and punch really!

When you say "I love you" to the one closest to you, the power of the word 'Love' just doesn't have the same well...meaning... it might have once had in the past.

I cannot think of a book in early English literature that uses the word 'Love' so expansively across such a wide variety of places, things and people. The word was reserved specifically for the relationships between people and even then used very sparingly within those relations! Romantic Victorian literature was quite specific about when and where the use of the word 'Love' defined the exact meaning of its intent - the romantic desire and passion of one person for another. At least I think it did given my inability to recall many of the classic books I read in my youth.

It's just lost its pull. The word 'Love' has become a weak word with no real depth or boundary anymore. Saying "I love you" is about as inane as saying "I love that movie!"

So again I ask, is it possible to find words from the languages of the world, or even invent entirely, new words that will replace the use of the word 'Love' for the meaning that is inherent in the context?

Instead of me saying "Oh I LOVED that new book by Elizabeth Gilbert, 'Eat, Pray, Love:'" Instead, perhaps I could say "Oh! I absolutely flubbered that new book by Elizabeth Gilbert..." with the word "flubber" giving the exact meaning of "To have a strong feeling for or attachment for any work of literature, cinematic, fine or theatrical arts"?

Instead of saying "I love my parents", I could maybe say "I shruggle my parents" where the affection for ones mum and dad is sort of roll ones eyes and yet holds very dear etc!

I dunno!

It just feels like its time English, as a language, got a grip and tried to define 'Love' a little more succinctly instead of relegating this once fine word to the banal and stupid.

Feel free to begin your own search for words that might best describe the sentiment meant for the stuff and the people in our lives we hold in varying degrees of high esteem.


Sunday, April 06, 2008

Don't want to be a tree

Trees are such overachievers!

If they don't get everything in constant supply, they chuck a wobbly and just give up and die!

They compete, they strive, they commandeer, they assert, they invade and conquer. They wuss out if they don't achieve any and all of the above and stay runts in the shadows or wither away and die from sheer deprivation of their goals.

I don't want to be a tree!

I don't want to have it all, only to find myself alone among trees and starved of the very things I competed for all my life.

I want to be....


I want to flow and meander and fill up and go down according to the whims of circumstance. I want to feed trees but not be gobbled up by them. I want to carve my path toward a certain future and melt into the vast anonymous company of other rivers at the end of that pathway; united and serene in life giving purpose for the benefit of everything and everyone.

I want to feed and not take.

I want to impart beauty and nurture it.

I want to go with the flow of wind and earth not suck at it and compete with the earth for its resources.

I want to GIVE the earth its resource.

I only have one foot in the love of nature. I admire nature but I also fear it. I see its beauty and I feel its power but I cannot feel comfortable engaging with nature for nature's sake. Nature does not provide comfort, it does provide the provisions for comfort however and for that I am grateful even so. Nature is not corrupt but nor is it easy and affable. Nature is hard and fierce, passionate and incredible. It is both prayer and command and it is uniquely reminiscent of Divine Providence for all that is alive.

If I was a part of nature, I would not want to be a tree.

I'm still learning what it means to be a river and just "Go with the flow".

Saturday, April 05, 2008

As it is in Heaven

Watched this movie this afternoon in a blissfully people free lounge room. No interruptions and so on!

Ahhhh! :)

That was nice.

The movie is really genuine and provides a lot to think about.

The themes are about the search for The Heart inside yourself. Who you are, where you come from; how you fit into the world and finding your inner child again. It's about learning to love - yourself and others without expectations and fear. It's about coming home!

There are a bazillion ways you could check out the plot of this Oscar nominated movie. Suffice it to say that there ARE a few glitchy patches in it and it is kind of stumbling in its style. That seems to lend a certain authenticity to it though, so the jumps between scenes do make sense and are easy to pick up.

The story is rounded, complete and the acting is sublimely understated and natural as seems to be the case in most Scandanavian films. There is something inherently genuine in the movies that come out of Sweden, Norway and Finland.

So yeah. A big thumbs up from me about this sweet little movie about a "famous" conductor who goes back home to his roots to find himself again and make peace with his heart.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

The pressure to perform

I'm frantic right now.

Today I feel enormous pressure to get things done in a timely way.

The shop is proving it will be a VERY busy enterprise in the coming months as we move into winter...and therefore meat pie weather...down here.

I don't know how to fit everything in. Usually this isn't a huge problem for me as I generally cope quite well even if I do get a bit frazzled at times with the intensity of being really really busy. But in this instance, I feel so completely overwhelmed I am struggling to get a grip and G.T.D.

I know what I want and need to do to get a sense of calm again. Thing is, I am constantly being frustrated by the lack of SPACE to get on top of my game.

Yes! I realise this is a blatant whinge - but seriously, there are only so many years a person can stand having to run "the office" from ones lounge room and I've been doing it for nearly 18 years.

I am OVER it!

Currently, I am in the throes of trying to get a complete office set up down at the new premises so that all stuff relating to the business can be on site rather than split across two places as in shop and home like in the past. It's been so frustrating though of late to have everything so unfinished and disorganised. I'm going to have to set aside some time to get my head around what needs to be actually done to resolve this situation as quickly as possible.

And there is the rub. The time! I just crash when I get home and really do not want to have to look at my In-tray. I am tired and cranky and I have no patience for online bill paying and the like. But I seriously have to to get it all out of the way before it gets even busier.

The TV is constantly ON and LOUD because I share this lounge/office/living area with two teenagers. There is a constant stream of people in and out of the house and demands on my time and attention left, right and centre! It's bloody HARD living here without privacy and an office to cloister away in and just get on top of the paperwork in peace and clarity.

Okay. So? I am really cranky and pussed off about my current lot. I'm getting this off my chest. Now, I shall MAKE some space within a day or so to grab some quiet time and make my lists of things I want to get done.

David in his book talks about the across and up of task management as if it were a runway with a plane taking off. The runway represents the daily minutiae of "next actions" that one must do to get various projects moving forward. Then as the plane goes through the various altitudes, these become the types of focus we must have in terms of our "agreements", our projects, plans, goals and values.

I have to do that vertical planning stuff too.

You can only cruise through life for so long before you realise that to get to where you WANT to go, you have to have a flight plan. Mine is long overdue.

So consequently, I feel very overwhelmed with the extent of what I must achieve along with everything I want to achieve.

This is not some To Do List, lenghthy and unwieldy; this is about making sure I know what happens when and where and how. I'm not clear on that stuff currently and I can totally feel the stress behind it all. I feel completely unable to concentrate effectively on the surprises we all inevitably get every day.

Focus and Application to getting that whole processing of the STUFF is what I want to do.

I am so grateful, that the gift of my love for writing my thoughts down, releases some of the pressure or I'd go mad from it I think. There may not be enough hours in my day but I WILL make time for the things - and the people - I love first. Bookkeeping and housework are just grit in the oyster for making pearls.

Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity

Tuesday, April 01, 2008


When one is in a low state of mind and heart, one feels confused and forlorn.

The painful questioning and doubt can take their toll.

There are decisions to be made and plans to execute with care and responsible attitudes toward loved ones.

I learned today in such a state that I am very much "All or nothing" when it comes to my desires.

If I can't have it now, I might as well not bother having it at all and just go elsewhere - or stay here! Either way it transpires I am way more impatient than is healthy or practical for the greater good.

What I want and what is possible do not mesh right now and its hard to accept or hear that fact. I want what I want and I want it yesterday!

No incremental steps towards it over time - I want it now!

No wasting time having to go through the process of change - I want it now!

No suffering or pain in the achievement of goals - I want it done now, smoothly with minimal fuss and absolutely no recriminations! I want it NOW!


I didn't know that about myself until today. I was blind to this flaw inside of me.

I don't do anything by halves! That's exactly what Martin the masseur said to me last week!

Intuitive son of a gun huh?

All or nothing! I need to pick the times when that approach is entirely appropriate and all the times when it is not.

It seems that I am far too controlling of - and way too competitive = the natural flow of Life. I can't let it go and let it be. I have to be in control of my destiny. I have to KNOW what's ahead. I am a a completely narcissistic strategist for my own physical and material well-being!

I feel so guilty for it.

It seems so inordinately wrong to be like this.

I dont' want to be all or nothing!

and if you don't notice the irony in that statement - you're as bad as I am probably!

ho hum!

Time to work on ringing in the changes within. Yet again! The wheel never stops turning on lessons.