lessons

When one is in a low state of mind and heart, one feels confused and forlorn.

The painful questioning and doubt can take their toll.

There are decisions to be made and plans to execute with care and responsible attitudes toward loved ones.

I learned today in such a state that I am very much "All or nothing" when it comes to my desires.

If I can't have it now, I might as well not bother having it at all and just go elsewhere - or stay here! Either way it transpires I am way more impatient than is healthy or practical for the greater good.

What I want and what is possible do not mesh right now and its hard to accept or hear that fact. I want what I want and I want it yesterday!

No incremental steps towards it over time - I want it now!

No wasting time having to go through the process of change - I want it now!

No suffering or pain in the achievement of goals - I want it done now, smoothly with minimal fuss and absolutely no recriminations! I want it NOW!

yeah!

I didn't know that about myself until today. I was blind to this flaw inside of me.

I don't do anything by halves! That's exactly what Martin the masseur said to me last week!

Intuitive son of a gun huh?

All or nothing! I need to pick the times when that approach is entirely appropriate and all the times when it is not.

It seems that I am far too controlling of - and way too competitive = the natural flow of Life. I can't let it go and let it be. I have to be in control of my destiny. I have to KNOW what's ahead. I am a a completely narcissistic strategist for my own physical and material well-being!

I feel so guilty for it.

It seems so inordinately wrong to be like this.

I dont' want to be all or nothing!

and if you don't notice the irony in that statement - you're as bad as I am probably!

ho hum!

Time to work on ringing in the changes within. Yet again! The wheel never stops turning on lessons.