Self-absorption is an obvious general theme to this blog but you know...I don't always write this stuff for any readers I might have - although having readers is a really nice thing of course - sometimes I just write for me. It's my way of clarifying the thoughts I have had inside my head and morphing them into some kind of coherent form.
So with that preamble, you may now guess that the following is über introspective and very personal so if it bores you to hear people ranting and raving about their own stuff... leave now :)
The current journey on this path called the Evolving Emancipation of Michelle revealed another astonishing personal insight into my character today.
Relationships are strange beasts. They sneak up on you and take you by surprise and sometimes they suck and sometimes they sing.
We all of us want our relationships to sing sweetly all the time huh? I do!
I don't like conflict or noisome and unwinnable argumentative stuff in my relationships...and yet I seem to attract it! I'm a sucker for the hyper-dramatic scene I guess!
Most of my life has been a finely honed balance between twin desires. One is freedom: I am independant and stubborn and I do not like being told what to do or how to be! I'm not wilful, but I am quietly obstinate until I choose to change my mind. I like my own space! Having grown up in many different living environments that included strangers - not just family - I've learned how to get along with people! It has also encouraged a deep abiding NEED within me to have my own spaces. In my head, in my heart, in my body, in my world - I crave the freedom of solitude a lot.
The second is closeness. I long for very close, intimate and stable relationships that can weather all manner of emotional storms. I yearn for the kind of intimacy that doesn't necessarily involve sex, but is about the cojoined union of hearts and minds - a kind of coherence of soul bounded by strong loyalty and committment on the scale of a million lifetimes.
I rarely sustain that kind of closeness for I hardly ever allow myself to get "that" close to anyone even though I might want it so badly! And if I do get that close to someone...the relationship tends to dissolve over time due to the intensity of it. It quite literally burns itself out. I do it deliberately. Self-protection is a symptom of lack of confidence apparently. Besides, there are not many human-beings in this world who can tolerate this dichotomy in me for very long. It takes an individual with the patience of Job and a will of iron to live with and love Michelle! :)
I also don't get too close to most people because of that first one - the freedom one! The two are, to all intents and purposes, mutually exclusive. How can one be free AND close at the same time? How can one be close to another and yet feel like they're not being slowly suffocated by that?
So... here's the thing! I control.
I control where I never ever believed or knew that I was controlling!
The balancing act of achieving the kind of closeness with another person I crave and desire as opposed to my strong need to be completely unshackled by the constraints of that kind of partnership is a tough gig! It's no wonder I can seem so confused and vascillating at times.
Maybe all humans self-protect via their emotional sources. I am not qualified to say if that is or isn't so. But I do know I do.
And I do it by being a little aloof in some relationships - where I do not have a vested interest in the closeness aspect. Alternatively, I am more than a little intense in some relationships - where I do not have quite so high an interest in the freedom aspect or it is already a given.
I was always attracted to the unavailable (until I met my beloved husband) and now I can see why. The unavailable gives me an "out" (freedom) but it also consistently feeds that urgent desire inside of me for closeness and intimacy too.
And so I control my relationships to achieve both results - not only confusing those around me but myself above all! It seems I am rarely clear on what I want from my relationships and this has to change! I may do what I do instinctively, but perhaps its time now to Question my Beliefs on this stuff and grow wings of EITHER Independance OR Closeness.
Can I make this a choice? Don't know! The habits of a life-time of living and relating with other people will be/are tough to break - I don't even know if I really want to yet. It's scary to think that I may have to choose between one or the other in opposition to what I would naturally desire to do. It may not even be a wise thing to do. Perhaps I just need to BE as I am - as I always was - but let this new insight into my character develop its own verisimilitude.
I do know that I might need to let go of the control and that could be the hardest thing of all.