How well do you know the back of your hand?

This is a throw away line we use often here.

"I know these streets like the back of my hand"

"I know him as well as I know the back of my hand"

I don't make a habit of studying the back of my hand. I kind of "know" it but don't really study it that closely on a regular basis. If you asked me how many spots and freckles on had on there I couldn't tell you. :)

My point is... can we ever really know something or someone as well as we claim to?

My feeling is that once we "think" we know something - or someone - what or who that something/someone is, tends to become "invisible" and we forget to study it or keep on "knowing" it [or them] with any depth or further interest.

You see - we humans tend assimilate just enough information to get our own desires met and once we've done that, we can become somewhat absent-minded about any further need to keep on learning and knowing because we believe in our core we don't need to - we think we already "know"!

People grow and change...endlessly. Things we once assumed were just so become either more so or less so... often. What we once believed can no longer be believed... more often than we think. What we once thought was true is sometimes proved otherwise... or not - which can surprise us too.

Life is a never ending journey of discovery and process. Once we make the assumption that we "know" something in its entirety, we are doomed to be forever wrong in that assumption.

And that is part of the fun of life and living!

To be proved wrong occasionally, is much, much more worth it than being proved right time and again! Being proved wrong forces us to re-evaluate and re-invigorate our processes of discovery. It makes us less sure of ourselves and thus less inclined toward arrogance and pride.

Being proved right can simply make us all the more certain we indeed know the back of our hand! :)

Is being online really virtual anymore?

"As human beings become increasingly intertwined with the technology and with each other via the technology, old distinctions about what is specifically human and specifically technological become more complex. Are we living life on the screen or in the screen? Our new technologically enmeshed relationships oblige us to ask to what extent we ourselves have become cyborgs, transgressive mixtures of biology, technology, and code. The traditional distance between people and machines has become harder to maintain....The computer is an evocative object that causes old boundaries to be renegotiated."

Sherry Turkle

I have never met my best friend but I know him pretty well all the same. He lives overseas.

I have never met my other best friend but I know her really well too. She lives on the other side of the country.

I catch up with these two people more than I do my best friend who lives a few kilometres from my home!

What's going on here?

Two are my online friends and one is my RL (Real Life) friend.

I talk to my online friends more often than I do my RL friend. This has to be a significant shift in the way I manage my relationships with people isn't it?

Yes! According to Sherry Turkle, Abbey Rockefeller Mauzé Professor of Social Studies of Science and Technology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

She suggests that we are now "tethered" to technology in such a way that we are shaping new connections and relationships via that very technology. These relationships are as real as any other relationship we might have despite there never being any actual physical presence.

She does express some concerns about this new trend. The relationships we engender through the use of communication devices is highly structured and more instantaneous now. Professor Turkle says that this trend is potentially making us less able to fully explore and experience our own emotional selves with the ability to think through our feelings, thoughts and actions. She says we may be losing the ability for self-reflection because of our interface with these technologies.

Self-reflection depends on having an emotion, experiencing it, taking ones time to think it through and understand it, but only sometimes electing to share it.

Sherry Turkle in "I'll have to ask my friends" New Scientist 16 September 2006 Page 49

Our world is often described as becoming more complex. I am not sure I believe this anymore.

I think we are actually almost over-simplifying our lives through the use of amazing technologies that bring the world to our laps. We use emoticons and SMS to convey "states" of being to others now whereas in years past we may have taken more time - and possibly much more discretion - in how we said what we wanted to say to those close to us. These days we use more text to talk to people which forces us to be concise and perhaps, more forthright in the way we say things to people.

The actual relationship we have to our machines is probably in direct proportion to the relationships they provide us in terms of people. We have simplified the process of meeting, greeting and getting to know new people and staying in touch with loved ones. The more we rely on and need the people we are tethered to through our devices, the more likely it is that our devices will become real extentions of ourselves.

I know for myself, I have become fanatically attached to this computer and the internet connection it provides for this reason. Without this computer or that connection, I am bereft of those I call online friends. These are real people though, whom I talk with here and without whom, life would be a whole lot less interesting and wonderful! Without this computer and the software which makes it possible for me to communicate with them, it would feel like I could not be close to them anymore.

I AM part technologically enmeshed as well as biological in my makeup! Does this make me a "cyborg" or a "robot"? I think perhaps it might! I can no longer imagine life without the people I have met online as much I cannot imagine life without my RL friends!

And it is these little windows of computer, mobile phone, Skype, and VoIP that make me the cyborg I now am :)

It's not that I don't have time or want to be with my RL friends, it's just that I seem to be closer to my computer terminal more often these days and by virtue of proximity, it makes it easier to communicate with friends over VoIP and chat than getting together for "coffee" up the street. Organising "get-togethers" with RL friends involves more complexity than just seeing someone sign into a chat window and instantly communicating there and then; that is sheer simplicity really - instant and wonderful access to dear friends whenever that window is open and available!

Therein lies the difference in my friendships now. The constancy of communication is because its so much more accessible and immediate than it is in my 3D world. It's also much more flexible. A chat window can stay open for hours and the communication can linger over time while we do our "own thing" at each end without having to stop. It's high end multi-tasking really, working, living, cleaning house while still "talking" with a good friend!

I'm not so sure it's as bad as Professor Turkle suggests just yet, but I don't find these relationships any LESS wonderful or satisfactory because of this difference in communication style.

Thing is, these friendships online are as real to me as any other relationship. There is a sympatico empathy here that is as strong and as resilient as the relationship I share with my best friend down the road. I don't consider my online friends "virtual" friends at all! They are Friends! Pure and Simple! This IS my community as much as this place where I live.

If that makes me a partial "robot" tethered to my technologies then so be it. I would rather be a biological robot with a number of "Best" friends - online and RL - than a mere biological mess of muscle without either :)

Questions

I have a riddle to solve.

How does one not ask the questions one doesn't actually want answers to?

Also...

How does one actually listen for and accept those answers?

I am not always very good at asking tough questions of myself about what I really want.

I live inside my fantasies and I love doing that. My fantasies are my preferred "truth". They are not real, achievable or honest but they soothe and lull me into a false sense of security.

When I believe what my fantasies tell me about reality and don't test them accurately, I live inside a bubble of determined falsity; a constructed dream of polished plot and fairytale. Everything has a happy ending in my fantasies. It's a lovely chimera of the mind and the heart.

My fantasies are generally what I believe and want in my future. I don't actually always like what I have right now so I don't ask myself the tough questions about what I want right now - too much potential for confronting and disappointing answers. I'm never disappointed in my fantasies. I can believe anything is possible.

So reality is hard for me to deal with sometimes. Asking about what I want NOW in this time and place is asking my heart to answer so acutely honestly, it is like preparing to endure a bad run of paper cuts.

So I don't ask the questions I need answers to but don't want to hear.

I so need to change this in me.

I need to become less dishonest with myself. I also need courage to accept what my heart tells me is true for me right now to those questions I really don't want to ask.

First I need to ask those questions!

So scary!

Mental postcards

I had a strange dream the other day and the resulting effects of it have left me a little confused but very intrigued.

I dreamt of a huge cumulus cloud growing over my head. It was the only cloud in the sky - which was a deep azure blue.

The cloud rose quickly like a thunder head but didn't have the classic anvil top on it like those big clouds usually do. This was more like a column that rose straight up into the sky.

That was it! It lasted for about 10 seconds max and I woke up properly (I actually "knew" I was dreaming when I saw that cloud, a somewhat bizarre experience really but quite interesting).

During my shower that morning I was thinking about the cloud dream thing, wondering as I usually do what it all "meant".

I could still "see" it in my mind. Like a picture postcard you stick on your fridge.

So I "looked" at the cloud and sort of walked toward it in my head (its a kind of daydreaming thing now) ... well it grew arms as if to embrace me and then suddenly... and I mean suddenly.... it was a tiny little beige-grey mouse sitting in the palm of my hand eating crushed peanuts.

This is VERY strange and completely unexpected of course. So NOW I have this "postcard" of this MOUSE stuck inside my head and it keeps morphing and growing like a pictorial story.

I can "see" the mouse nibbling on the nuts with its little teeth and its whiskers twitch as it gobbles up its food. It is looking straight at me with beady, twinkly curious black eyes without judgement or endearment.

I hate mice as a rule. I refuse to have anything to do with mice or mouse-traps! My husband said when we got married he would NOT be touching the iron and I said I would NOT be touching the mouse-traps! We have lived content with this contract for nearly 17 years :)

The irony is though that my FAVOURITE thing as a child was a soft toy mouse made by my mother in her teens. "Mousey" was my best friend and I literally carried him everywhere in the palm of my hand for quite a number of years. He is all of about four inches tall and looks nothing like a real mouse but is still a "mouse" of sorts. I still have him in my bedside drawer! *grin* He will be approaching 50+ years old soon I think.

And then a new thought suddenly appeared in my mind today out of the blue. I was chatting to a friend when the line "Many Mighty Mice are Making Magical Music in the Moonlight" popped into my head. It's a line from a story I read often as a kid - I can't even remember which book it's from but that line has stayed with me all these years.

So there you go. Mitch is officially stark raving mad huh?

Clouds become mice in this twisted inner world I live in.

I think there is more to come to this story perhaps. The mouse hasn't finished telling his tale (pun intended) yet :) What comes next will probably have me certified anyway!

Dreams have a funny way of doing things to us in our real life. The inner world and the world of reality collide in strange and unique ways when we take the time to revisit those dreams we remember from our slumbers and study them as you would those postcards on the fridge, all while lucid and awake.

It's about inspiration and feeling not knowledge so much. A kind of Dreamtime of ones own really. A way of reconnecting the inner world within and coherently combining it with the self we present in our every day awake world.

I know! It all sounds a little whacko really! But it IS fun to explore ones imagination like this and see where the journey takes you.

Remember that cult activity of a few years ago when garden gnomes were stolen/borrowed from gardens and the owner of said gnome would get postcards from it in the mail as it travelled the "world"?

Well, that's a little bit like what I'm trying to describe here. You borrow the image you remember from your dreams and you let your imagination take it on a 'trip' inside your head and allow yourself to SEE the journey unfold. Free Associating but with mental pictures instead of words I guess.

It's totally irrational and probably DOES mean I'm completely mad but its fun and interesting and creative at the same time.

I guess it also helps if you are highly visual in your thinking processes too. Aurally dominant thinkers would probably find this a hard thing to do perhaps: so maybe they would have to do this kind of thing with sounds and language rather than imagery. I am a very dominant visual thinker (something I've only noticed recently actually), I sense and mentally process thought through imagery more often than most other ways. I guess that's why I find this stuff so interesting and fun to do.

Of course the ONE thing I find terribly frustrating is that my natural wont is to try to make MEANING from these images! To make them make sense in some sort of logical and cohesive way. I can't make a cloud becoming a mouse make any sense at all! Total and irrevocably nonsensical that huh? But I DO have a feeling deep inside that that cloud and that mouse have something to do with me as a person and I am currently exploring that inspiration with new-found curiosity. :)

Soooo... unless I'm incarcerated in the nearest institution by my family for cerebral imbalance... I just might keep you aprised!

;)

new carpet

We "moved" my elderly Mother-in-law out of her unit over the weekend to make way for all new floor coverings.

It was hard work but the final result has been worth the effort. Moving her back in feels like a kind of re-energising.

She still has far too much "stuff"! I guess its a by-product of growing up during the years of rationing that makes this particular generation so loathe to part with their accumulated paraphenalia. Literally everything is considered "useful" whether it is or it really isn't!

I intend to not be so inclined to hoard stuff as I grow older. I want to grow old free of such incumberances as odd crockery and un-usuable lead crystal wine glasses! I want to be able to leave this planet knowing that what I did leave behind was well loved and used often. :) It remains to be seen if I can hold to this promise though - we do tend to get attached to some strange things - us humans! ;)

So I guess I need to go through my belongings here again in my own home. We need new carpet soon too and it will be our turn to move out of this room for a day to re-energise it.

It also means that I had better seriously think about whether I do need to keep that Beau Geste Trilogy on the book shelf and which I read 15 years ago and haven't been able to part with since! *blush* hahaha!

Will the river die?

This is a pic I took the other day on my usual walking route along our river.

The Wimmera River is slowly drying up. We are in the grip of a decade long drought with this current year being the worst so far.

Towns around these parts are now on the severest water restrictions imaginable, many having to resort to trucking water in for domestic use.

That sand bar you see in the middle of the river is normally under a few metres of water. It will now take rainfall far exceeding our yearly average to "disappear" again.

Thankfully, the pelicans are still present so I guess we'll know that the river has truly "died" when they move on to better feeding grounds.

The losses to our local economy in terms of tourism, farming, business and social interactions are too big to enumerate here really. There are some hurting people in our community and all because it just won't RAIN... properly and in season!

My local church is having a "Prayer for Rain" ecumenical service this coming Wednesday. A lead in will include a community free BBQ to which all people are invited whether they attend the service later or not.

It's a "nice" gesture though a little whimsical perhaps. Whilst there will be opportunity for our church to market itself as "caring" for our community (as we must) through this small gesture... it won't really change the fact that we cannot make it rain by ourselves - prayer or no prayer!

The world is getting hotter they say! If so, then we are responsible for this weather and it will not likely be reversible. We will have to learn to adapt to a new way of living in a increasingly desertified region of Australia. It was ALWAYS dry here but not as dry as it has been these past 10 years. The many hundreds of lakes, the rivers, the huge channel system established early last century always contained water in them in the driest of years until these last few. Now they are merely dry basins of constantly moving dust and salt.

There have been some better years than others in this decade for rainfall but on the whole, this region where I live, is slowly becoming a wasteland whereas once it was one of the most fertile and diversely functioning food bowls in this large country of ours.

Who knows if this is a permanent thing really! I have some scepticism regarding the climate change mantra - the earth is a closed system of such complexity and marvellous intricacy, its hard to imagine it could not "right" these anomalies if given the chance to do so. It may be that in a few short years we will be complaining its too wet! It seems a mere wish to say that right now though. Now it seems that The Wimmera will be forever parched and forsaken and all of us will need to make a quantum shift in the way we use and think about all our resources here.

Thing is... with people now so numerous upon the earth and demanding to be fed... can we make the agricultural & business methods of the past that once fed the few, work in the future to feed the plenty? And all while the earth seems to be crying out for respite from these same practises? Aussie farmers are renowned for their innovation and efficiency. But - have these strengths become our "weakness" in that these same talents have wounded our corner of the world in such a way that we now suffer?

We can't "Save the World"! We can only husband it and we've done that poorly over this past two hundred years or so. In our arrogance we "thought" we were being good stewards but all we were doing was abusing what was not ours to abuse. How can we ever know the difference without time and history?

Can we blame "ignorance"? Yes! and No! We may enter into our activities blindly without foreknowledge but once we get caught up into our way of doing... we often fail to notice whether that very doing is actually causing harm. We are not perfect stewards but we have not been "Good Enough" either!

We're not good at change I guess, especially when we are told we have to. Even less when there is profit to be had!

I hope to see "my" river flowing again someday. That will be a sight to behold. Both my children have only ever really known "dry" - they've never seen it sopping wet around here like I have (I grew up enduring some of the wettest years on record ;)).

Who knows really what will happen. God willing (and it really is HIS solution we need now), this dry will turn around and bring with it the rainbow of promise we are all looking for.

essential calm

It has been peaceful here this afternoon.

One child has been quitely doing his thing on the computer and the other one is out visiting a friend.

I slept on the couch for over an hour! *blush* I'm half way through account keeping paperwork and I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer! :)

It's a sign of "old" age I guess that I occasionally need to have an afternoon nap although when I think back over the years - even as a late teen, young adult, I often enjoyed a long sleep on a lazy afternoon when there was nothing pressing to attend to. :) I guess I've always been a bit of a napper at heart. :)

The ability to unwind and de-stress is a good skill to develop. To be able to chill out and "forget" everything enough that one just drifts off into a gentle sleep for a little while is both a pleasure and a strength I think. It means that we don't fear not doing it "all" or that the world will stop if we do.

In our ever increasingly busy lives - this simple thing called the afternoon nap is like recharging the battery of the heart and mind so that we can keep on top of all that is important, not just whats urgent. :)

That day in September must go.

On this morning 5 years ago - 12 September 2006, I listened to the news on the radio as I woke from my sleep.

I rushed out to turn on the TV and sat stunned and incomprehensible in front of the visions on the screen before me! I'd only just "missed" it all happening live the night before when I'd gone to bed, by a mere 5 minutes. I may not have slept that night if I had seen it happen on the 11th September when it was night here and morning there.

I didn't want to "remember" this anniversary this year. Yesterday I deliberately kept my blog "light" and my thoughts decidedly away from that scene.

I still want to do that in many ways.

This constant recall, this memorialisation thing we humans do over great tragedy I don't think is always healthy! It re-opens raw wounds, incises emotional pain and creates new barriers for healing so it slows down and sometimes halts all over again. We seem to like to wallow in our pain as human beings.

We reinvigorate our hatred, justify our politics, salve our consciousness through our emotional flagellation in re-visiting such horrors.

But our horrors we choose to feel so strongly and passionately about are selective.

We "forget" the massive tragedies inflicted on people in other countries where barbarism, cruelty, and massive terror strike every day on the lives of a multitude of innocents. For some reason we cannot find it in our hearts to memorialise these tragedies! Only "our" tragedy! As if it were the only one that ever happened anywhere in the world thus far!

It isn't! And it won't be the last of the "great" horrors we see in our life-time! There is tragedy and horror aplenty either side of 9/11 that barely rates a tear from many of us in western "civilised" culture!

My feeling is that whilst we "should" remember those who died in that tragedy with honour and respect...

...lets leave the memory of it be now. No more Movies or documentaries; no more "New Information", no more dissertations, decrees, or promises to root out terror; No more immolation on the pyre of Righteous Outrage!

Lets find a way to turn this into a transformation. Lets let the power for humility and understanding for all be our 9/11 song, not this grandstanding rhetoric of might and justice for the few.

Lets make this a day to focus on the people who are making positive changes for love and goodness in the world.

Let's open up dialogue with those that say they "hate" us and find out WHY?

Let us be humble and contrite as we accept our mistakes and forgo our arrogance and become a little more circumspect in how we treat others who don't have all the luxurious trappings of success we hold so dear.

Lets LET GO of 9/11 and leave history be what it is.

Remember but lets not focus anymore.

It just hurts too much.

Finding ones song

Martin has chosen himself a personal Theme Song! :)

It describes him almost perfectly actually :) I say "almost" because he's actually a lot nicer than might be suggested by the words in that song :) Still! He is very much the independant soul and thats why that song works for him.

I've been trying to figure out if there's a song out there that I could also adopt as a Theme song or Personal Anthem too.

Lyrics are pretty important to me. I hadn't realised how much so until recently. I guess its about the poetry and the subtle meanings and interpretations a song can deliver. I find a lot of meaning and depth in lyrics really. Of course they don't really "translate" well without the structure of the music behind them. It's the music that gives the words their depth and clarity in the end.

But to find something that means enough to be almost a song about and FOR me?

It ain't easy I have to admit.

Top contenders so far are

1) Gel by Collective Soul - this one really IS about coherence and "sticking" together *grin*

2) BrainWash by The Cruel Sea - this one just makes me laugh really. I seriously DO need my brain cleaned out sometimes! It gets waaay cluttered with so many things to think about! hahaha

3) Another all time favourite song is Stand by Blues Traveller and this one has a really strong resonance for me. It's a lot about courage and hope. :)

For right now - at this moment in time...I'm settling on No. 3. "Stand". It has a power and a resourcefulness in it that encourages and strengthens me. The courage and the hope I hear in this song is what I want to bring others as well as find for myself.

Seriously! Findiing a song/track to adopt as a personal anthem is fun to do and it does make you get clear about what and who you are and what you want in life. Its not such a frivolous exercise really, if it means you learn something through the process. :)

That "noticing" stuff.

In Dicks book "Is your Genius at Work?", he says that one of the strongest hints as to our "Genius" is in the stuff we do when we don't notice what we are doing.

Now this isn't easy to do. To notice what we don't notice is a little weird isn't it?

Yes and No!

Even though I have named my Genius, I've been doing this exercise all the same and I've found it to be a positive reinforcement of the name I've chosen to describe what it is I do.

These little things I do every day are in fact simple habits that I cannot seem to break or imagine NOT doing! I get irate - quickly - when others don't see these little quirky things as "important" too.

They eloquently describe my need to "construct coherence" around me even though they seem on the surface to bear no relationship to Genius or coherence at all! :)

So here are my observations so far:

1) I absolutely HAVE to put the lid back on the toothpaste tube! I hate open tubes of toothpaste gunking up the bathroom!

2) I need to put CD's and DVD's back inside their jewel cases AND I like to have the original cover intact too. I get really irate with people who just leave CD's lying out and about without putting them back into their proper covers or sleeves ASAP.

I've kind of learned to tolerate the kids CD's being left to get ruined by their lack of "coherence" re CD care - they're old enough to take responsibility for their stuff now - but with my music/DVD's - no WAY! rrr!

3) I'm forever shutting things like cupboards or drawers. I can live okay with open doors - that isn't quite such an issue but I get slightly sweaty and agitated when cupboard/closet doors and drawers are left open for any length of time :)

4) I am always assigning "homes" for things. If something doesn't have a proper "home" - it tends to get tossed in the bin or sent to charity. I prefer order and symmetry in my surroundings and tend to be slightly more minimalist in my tastes than cluttered (the "Country Cottage" look drives me insane! :) hahaha!)

Achieving this order is a never ending battle between my natural laziness and my need for coherent, uncluttered calm :)

These things are just simple - maybe silly - quirks of my temperament but I've ALWAYS done them (yes.. I had to put LP's away in their covers too before the advent of CD's etc ;). They describe to me "Constructing Coherence" in a simple but profound way.

Fame and passion makes death seem more final somehow.

Australia has lost two "Icons" this week.

Last Monday, the international community mourned the passing of "The Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin to a sting-ray barb through the heart at Batt Reef Queensland.

As irritating as I found the guy in the media, he was passionate and determined when it came to the welfare of Australia's precious flora and fauna. His enthusiasm for his work and his family were admirable despite his over the top "Crikey's!" and Energiser Bunny ways.

Today, we lost a legend in the sport of motor racing, Peter Brock.

This man has been around for most of my life (I actually thought he was younger than his 61 years though) and being somewhat of a motor racing fan (in a not-too-fussed kind of way), I have watched him race around the track at Bathhurt in New South Wales on TV many a year, with immense admiration for his ability behind the wheel.

Also a passionate man in his work for Driver Education and for living life rather than just working in it... it is almost poetic in a sense that he died in a Targa Car Rally in Western Australia today.

Both men died doing what they loved. Both men epitomised passion and integrity in their respective crafts. Both men were energetic and highly respected for their skills and their humanity. Both men were ALIVE with spirit and joi de vivre, their enthusiasm and purpose were contagious and they were idolised by many for their generosity.

Who knows why God chooses to take the famous in "crops" like this! It reminds me of the time when Princess Diana's death was very closely followed by the death of Mother Theresa. Two global icons "walking" together into the realm beyond life, as we know it here in this temporal sphere.

We all of us die. As the song by Ugly Kid Joe says "10 out of 10 die"

Nothing is surer than our death. What we do between our birth and our death is either stuff to write about in newspapers or its not. But that doesn't mean that each and every death is not without poignancy or pain. The death of an unknown child in Africa is as equally sad as the death of any Aussie Icon.

Its just that Icons and the Famous remind us of just how fragile and extraordinary that space is between our birth and our death. Bless the families of these two men that they may know peace and hope in spite of their loss.

Being brief

is hard.

I'm trying to write stories that are "genuine" Flash Fiction which equates to around 500 words only.

I'm a wordy type of writer and I love playing around with descriptive language.

This can make my style convoluted and confusing (so much for coherence huh? ;)) and as a result, I find the editing process to be quite painful having to ditch what I think are lovely turns of colourful phrasing in order to be more concise.

So I consider this enforced brevity to be like medicine for my overly-florid writing style. One of these days I will be able to write something beautiful that isn't so full of 'unnecessary' words.

Wish me luck :)

A pocket full of diamonds

Imagine this:

You are wearing clothes that have deep pockets.

In those pockets are handfuls of rare and precious stones, such as rubies, emeralds, amethysts, sapphires, topaz and of course diamonds in all hues.

Each stone has clarity, depth and the purest colour imaginable.

What worth would you place on these stones?

Of what value would you hold them seeing as they just "live" in your pockets on a daily basis? Do you give them away easily? Do you take them for granted? Do you find them annoying (they do take up quite some space and can be noisy when you move about afterall :))? Are they of ANY use to you?

These might seem like rhetorical questions for who ever has the chance to carry such gems in ones pockets in "real" life?

But you do! :)

If your home, your workplace, your church, your neighbourhood, your street, your park, your town, your country and even cyberspace, are your pockets... metaphorically speaking....then everyone that lives, breathes and moves within is equivalent to one of those gems!

So...of what value do you hold them?

:)

Buzzing

I am so over the moon with this I can't begin to describe the feeling!

One of my stories has made it to the front page of 365 Tomorrows.

It's an incredible motivator to keep writing!

Thankyou to the team at 365t for taking it on board!

*bounce*

:)

Mood Journals

Many years ago, around the age of about 16 or 17, I began writing into notebooks on a regular basis.

These were not ordinary "diaries" etc where a rigourous daily update of events were recorded for posterity. I decided that was not my style very early on. Instead I went more for the spontaneous writing of thought whenever the "mood" striked. My "mood" journals subsequently have large gaps of time where there is nothing recorded. However, I have a slightly different record of my life from that of a tradional diary. It was like an early version of blogging I guess, writing about the things I thought about rather than always about the stuff that just happened in a day. All on paper and with that, still useful, device called The Pen! :)

I have kept those journals and I was looking back through some of them just a few minutes ago. Occasionally I do have dated events recorded, like the date I was found to have Glaucoma (11 August 1987 in St Paul Minnesota USA), but mostly, my old journals are filled with ramblings, ideas for stories, poetry, notes and observations about the things happening in my life at the time, plots and ideas for drama and meeting notes from conventions and youth gatherings.

The writing is hard to read! I have a rather large and loopy, florid kind of handwriting style and I was never one to be very "neat" when it came to getting things down on paper!

Its also interesting to see how my attitudes and beliefs about some things have changed over these past 20 + years. I was however, "right" about the whole Iraq thing back at the time of the first Gulf War! I'd written "I feel very pessimistic about all this!" on the 16 January 1991. I still feel that way even after all these years! It has been an extraordinary nightmare this 'America & some of the rest of the world' vs Iraq hasn't it?

The most notable thing about my mood journals is the strong devotion I had (still have :)) to my Faith! I have many "prayers" written in my journals and they seem quaint and child-like now but also poignant and kind of honest too in many ways. I think perhaps I am my most honest when I pray because I instinctively know that I can't hide anything from God anyway. :)

I used to wonder if my writings would ever become of value to anyone else in the future. I know it sounds very pretentious to have thought or wanted that, but I believed in my skill as a writer even back then and deeply desired that what I had to say was going to make an impact for the betterment of mankind in some way - and be remembered for it!

I'm not so sure I want this now. Some of the material in these journals is now so odd and contrived it would not make much sense to anyone in the future at all really!

Being "famous" isn't something to which I now aspire anyway ;) I would much rather make an impact on just one persons life than on many lives and now that I have kids... I think I've pretty much covered that aspiration! :) So I am not really that concerned what happens with my old journals now, after I am gone! If my kids decide to destroy them then thats fine. They served their purpose in giving me an outlet for my voice in my youth and for that I'm grateful.

The interesting development is that these hand-written journals may forever remain a silent witness to my life and mind, when I originally wanted to tell the world what was in them, whilst this blog perhaps will live on much, much longer with potentially many people reading the thoughts of my head in here!

Does this "worry" me? I have no idea! It depends... on whether I live the next 20 + years to be able to look back and be intrigued or embarrassed that people have read these odd and contrived things from my life and mind at this time! :)

What was my purpose again?

Dick Richards over at Come Gather Round has an interesting series of posts about Purpose.

For some strange reason, my life of the past three years or so have been heavily focused in many ways around the themes of Meaning and Purpose.

Not of my own doing though. This focus has been from external sources.

It "began" in 2004 when our local church decided to participate in a study series entitled "The Purpose Driven Life" by Pastor Rick Warren of California USA.

I didn't like this book! Which probably makes me a heretic as far as evangelical christianity goes! It IS very popular and it did have some useful stuff in it, but there was something about it I couldn't quite define that irked me immensely. I have since put it down to my extremely fundamental core credo as a "Lutheran" that this book was too heavily oriented toward "us" doing the work of our salvation and God not doing much at all really! Don't know! Maybe I missed the point! I did get a strong sense of that whole "Our purpose is for God's pleasure" thing as being somewhat distasteful as if He was some weirdo who wanted to merely entertain Himself by making us do stuff for Him!

I have a tough time with the christian ethos of "obedience" anyway. I'm selfish and wilful that way! We all try too hard sometimes, us christians, and we forget constantly that no amount of extra effort on our part will ever get us on any train to any heaven anywhere! Obedience doesn't come from ourselves - it comes from God Himself abiding by the Spirit within us! We are obedient only when we are in tune and in alignment with The Spirit!

So guess what? I'm a heretic huh? I don't buy into the "rules" of engagement when it comes to being a christian! I just BELIEVE and that is all that is necessary in my credo.

But I digress! :) I WAS talking about Purpose wasn't I? :)

The second year, 2005, our church followed the second book in the series by Rick Warren. It was called "The Purpose Driven Church". This one resonated better as it was about collective purpose as a congregation. It made sense to me that we got together and discussed issues such as social justice, worship life, prayer, etc. We do precious little of that (especially social justice) and it was a refreshing change to see members of my congregation actually connecting for a change on this stuff!

Around the same time, I "discovered" by accident on my travels around the internet, Getting Things Done by David Allen. This led me to finding a new "purpose" in getting even more organised and purposeful about where I wanted to go in life.

Some months back I also did an experiment suggested by Steve Pavlina called "How to discover your life purpose in 20 minutes" and I enthusiastically blogged about my results on that, feeling very emotional that I had indeed discovered my true reason for existing here in this world! :)

That little thing I wrote out still makes me go weak at the knees but is it REALLY my true Purpose? It maybe that it is just one of many, many purposes and "reasons" for my being here!

This in turn led me via a slightly convoluted route to Dick Richards and his "Is Your Genius at Work" book and website.

And here I find myself yet again confronted with this "thing" called Purpose!

The fact that I even exist means I have a Purpose! We all have one whether we can identify it or not! It comes from OUTSIDE of us and is gifted to us and can take us completely by surprise just as Dick mentions in a comment he made on Part Two of this subject.

It's slightly "wierd" this thematic construct of my years post 40, as if God Himself is shouting at me to wake up and identify that which I need to be fulfilling in the world!

I'm not sure how to listen to what that is though!

Writing is my greatest love but is it really my Purpose in life? Maybe I have essentially fulfilled my given Purpose and I don't yet know it? Maybe it is still yet to be realised?

But I KNOW I have one! And you do too. The thing is to not get too caught up in the "me" part about this and just LISTEN for that still small voice that leads in the direction I need to travel.

Divining Character

These two words constituted one of the original names I had when I was first looking to discover the name of my "Genius".

I did actually weep a little when I said these words out aloud at the time but the intensity of feeling didn't last, not as it has for the name "Constructing Coherence"

It is however something that I do do - Divining Character, although it's always done as a means toward the building of understanding and entente between myself and others.

I adore doing "personality" quizzes! *blush* I'm actually very fond of Temperament Typing especially using the famous Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or Kiersey's version thereof. Even the little pop quizzes over at Tickle totally suck me in! hahaha ;)

Ever since I was a young teen, I've been fascinated by the pieces of my psyche, nature, mind, thought, and emotional make-up. I love knowing how I tick and why!

In turn, I'm intrigued - sometimes obessively - with how other people operate and why. I am constantly on intuitive, empathic, even systematic alert for signals and signs, portents and observations in others that help me to understand them better and gain insight into what they're made of. I'm almost driven by the need to get inside people's heads (and hearts too occasionally) to find out exactly what makes them... themselves! What are their attributes? What are their loves; likes; dislikes; hates; emotional responses to such and such; background; modus operandi and so on?

And just like a person who uses a dowsing rod to try to unearth deeply hidden waters... So I use Temperament Analysis and Personality Quizzes to try to unearth valuable information about character both within myself and in others.

This need to understand character and to seek out that which makes a person similar to myself is a constant fascination to me. I don't have a clue why it intrigues me so to want to find out about people and why its so important to me to find that mutual common ground of understanding. One day I'm hoping to find the Perfect Quiz that will answer those questions! :)

But this habit of mine does have its drawbacks. My tendency is to judge people fairly quickly and summarise their personality/temperament on little more than a few skewed observations and intuitive assumptions on my part. I am however, always prepared to second guess myself and try to prove any negative assumptions wrong, at least for the first two or three encounters! ;)

Ironically, for all my love of the Personality and Temperament, I'd make a poor psychoanalyst nor a good psychologist! I'm not objective enough and way too empathetic in that I tend to take other peoples issues on board and identify with them too intimately! Building understanding is a subjective art not a rational science really, and I am way more of an "artist" than a scientist.

I still love personality quizzes though and probably always will. Despite the fact that they are sometimes silly and impractical, I do often learn something about myself and other people from them.

These "tests" may or may not be accurate! A lot of the material they're based on can be mere subjective nonsense, but I don't care about overall accuracy really - especially in those nonsensical tickle quizzes! They're merely a tool for insight and observation and just plain good fun really! :)

Suspended

I’m suspended

I'm suspended by the

Thought of you

In night time dress

In cares caress

In beauty deep

And to truths in sleep

I'm suspended

I'm suspended by the

Need of you

In daytime clothes

In jeans and throws

In beauty deep

and to heart's full heap

Of you

I'm suspended

I'm suspended

I'm suspended by the

Thought of you

In feelings dressed

In tears expressed

In beauty deep

And to truths too steep

I'm suspended

I'm suspended by the

Need of you

In laughters throws

In ties and bows

In beauty deep

and to heart's full flow

of you

I'm suspended

Being with you

Makes me better

Makes me whole

Being with you

Brings me closer

To heavens

Tiny door

I'm suspended

I'm suspended by the

Thought of you

Take me there

Inside of you

Show me thoughts

That make up you

Suspend me deep

Inside your need

And bring me

With you

Through Heavens

Tiny door.

© M. Pitman 2006

musing..

Why is it so hard to be in love do you think?

That soft tender ache of longing in the heart. The hard flutter of rushing nervous energy coursing through ones torso whenever one sees their beloved. The skittish and flighty body language that comes over one when within range of the beloved in question.

I remember these feelings from the first time I fell in love. I see them in my daughter as she grows older and experiences boys for the first time in her life.

But it is hard to be in love. It's the ache I think that kills. The incredibly sweet longing deep within to be connected to that desirable other.

Its hard but its incredible and wonderful too. The difficulties in feeling such intense emotion for another person can both wound and enliven all at the same time. Like bitter-sweet chocolate, both give a pleasure to the senses, physically and emotionally.

In a way its sad that so many couples lose these intense sensations after being together for a long time. To see so many couples who love each other but are not "in love" with each other anymore. The love they share becomes a kind of unmentionable accessory to their partnership. There is no real magic or fire in their relationship and it appears their union is more like a business transaction between entities rather than a communion of one soul in two bodies.

Ah but that early "being in love" stage is so palpably real to the senses. It enlivens and quickens the soul. And it is all about the senses - physical senses of touch, sight, sound, experience, and taste, and the metaphysical senses of wonder, joy, and possiblity. The senses are magnified by being in touch with feelings so visible they almost hurt when observed.

We like to feel love. When love isn't felt anymore and is just known about logically and intellectually it loses something in translation. It loses its capacity to quicken our pulse, flumox us and excite us deep inside. Being "in love" is a gentle drug of wonder, surprise, joy and anticipation along with an aching need to bring it into fruition and into that knowledge phase.

You see! We need to know Love too. We need to understand Love in a way that isn't swayed by emotion or desire but just is as it is - a deep but intellectual proof of connection. Its just that we too often forget to make our senses feel that " being in love" feeling again so as to enjoy the sensation of it coursing through our veins, quickening the pulse and sending desire through the roof again for our beloved.

When we experience one of these two without the other - "being in love" or Love - for too long, they each shrivel and die. "Being in love" does not last without becoming Love - deep and steadfast. Love without the ecstacy of that " being in love" feeling and that tiny wince of an aching heart that so desires to belong to the other person, becomes a mere partnership of bodies, lacking both sparkle and magic.

The feeling of being in love is intoxicating. Knowing that one is Loved is reassuring. Combining both brings both incredible union and one-ness to a relationship.

Hello fish :)

Well some lovely person has put up a rather long comment on my "Huh?" post from yesterday.

Thanks "fish" for your comment.

I have to say your thoughts probably encapsulate nearly all the personal self-help development literature ever made available! :)

I do wonder though, exactly what its doing on that particular post! As valuable as the information is... it's kind of in the wrong place don'tchya think? ;)

At first I thought it was a spam comment you know - (all comments get moderated via my email before I allow them to be viewed here), but on reflection, it IS valuable "advice" which many of us could heed, so I have allowed it to come through.

But "fish"! It'd be great if you could put this somewhere more public you know!

If you are on about being self-confident - then don't hide your wisdom under a Mitch's "Huh?" - it makes it rather hard for people to find that way.

Thanks for taking the time to say your piece all the same. :)

Regards
Mitch

Huh?

Well when I wrote yesterdays blog post it made perfect sense to me at the time. I even read it later when it turned up in my bloglines list just to be sure.

Today I read it and I'm like.... Huh? What the hec was I trying to SAY there?

hahahahaha

Okay! So yes! I don't make sense occasionally! That's pretty normal for the most part for me in meatspace. I'm often looked at quizzically with a "What on earth are you on about NOW Mitch?" line thrown in for good measure.

My sister has always said that the one word that would suitably describe me is "Deep".

Well yesterday, I think perhaps I went soooo deep, the ocean depths of Mitch went completely to black! *smirk*

So anyway - I will address that post some time. Re-work it and try and make it more coherent.

I figure if I can understand it then most others should be able to huh? :) Right now - I can't make head or tail of what I was trying to convey there! If you can then please explain it to me in your comments! :)

hahahaha

But.. I didn't mean it like that!

We've all said things that have been misinterpreted and misunderstood.

Verbal communication is a rough science. It is not an easy thing to communicate so clearly and coherently that our exact intention behind our words is made perfectly known.

Clarity in all conversation is important and there will be times when another person will not clearly understand what you meant by your words. Sometimes the "right" words are difficult to form in ones mind so that meaning can be made clear. And there is always, ALWAYS, the flawed ability of another person to really LISTEN and actively seek to understand what you are saying!

There is however a small lie we often tell to our loved ones. We've become so good at telling this lie that we don't even see it as a lie anymore.

When we say something to someone we love in 'the moment' which subsequently gets understood in a way that makes us feel very insecure or uncomfortable we use this lie to cover our tracks and make ourselves appear guilt-less yet again. It gives us an "out" to our discomfort and helps us to smooth over ruffled feathers and/or receiving angry retaliation in return.

It doesn't matter exactly what we say nor even how we say it; what matters is its intent which comes from deep within our heart. What we say in these moments is always a reflection of exactly what is in our hearts. The intention behind these words is formed out of self-interest and Ego - at the heart of who we are.

Our heart can be clouded, its 'thoughts' unclear, so our minds will often filter the words that bubble up from it and turn them into "palatable" soundbytes for human consumption. When we think about what we are saying and attempt to be coherent and demonstrate loving gentleness in our speech and behaviours, the good oil of relationship can be made smooth and happy. Its when we don't think about what we're saying and we allow the 'thoughts' of our hearts to just "come out" of our mouths without thinking with our minds - that's where we get into trouble!

The excuse for saying exactly what is in our hearts before our mind has had a chance to think it through is the line "But.. I didn't MEAN it like that!".

Yes you did! You just got found out is all!

The mind is rational. It does not "deal" in emotion like the heart does. The heart is all emotion and is the basis for many of our thoughts. The mind must work to expose the ego-centricicity within our heart-thoughts and re-work these sentences into coherent and practical meanings based on a multitude of beliefs, behaviours, observations, ideals, and so on. The mind is good at making meaning clear through sifting and sorting. The heart just says exactly what it "thinks" each and every time. When we speak "from the heart" - we are speaking EXACTLY what we are really thinking.

Its not often pretty! The heart can be a very ego-centric animal prone to selfish delusions of grandeur! If you did not "mean" what your mouth just said when you said it - then you need to search your heart to find out if that is what you really actually mean or if your heart is telling you otherwise! We lie to ourselves too with that line!

So be honest and admit with your mind and your mouth what your heart is really "saying" even if it hurts you more than you think it will hurt your loved one.

Mean what you say and say what you mean. This is coherent verbal communication in action.

Misery and the Me Gen

This particular post by David Wong of Pointless Waste of Time fame has had me thinking a lot of late.

Apparently I'm not the only one. The home page on this blog states that the article in question has recorded 50,000 readers! Wow!

Which goes to prove something about this cynical and rather pessimistically written piece - that it has touched a MAJOR nerve for many people.

And just what is that "Nerve"?

Well! I think perhaps that people are starting to finally realise that the "ME" Generation thing just isn't working!

Rampant individualism in Western Culture has been on a steady rise for nearly 50 years. From the the beginnings of modern Youth Culture in the 1950's, there has been a steady increase in the mythology of the "ME" Identity. We all know of so many people who seem to think that the world "owes" them something for nothing.

There is a cosmetics ad here in Australia that has a tag line that says "Because you're worth it!". Now that might be a cause for some controversy there really! We are worth it! But the truth is that it is ALL of us who are worth it, not just the beautiful, flawless amongst us as these ads portray. By the same token - we need to develop enough sensitivity to our surroundings as individuals to ensure that our sense of "being worth it" doesn't engender arrogance, pride and wilful neglect of ethical behaviour towards others! Being "Worth it" requires a certain self-abnegating humility as well as a healthy sense of value as a person.

To understand the Self is important. Self-awareness and understanding how we "tick" as persons of worth is a valuable study of personal intention, motivation, purpose and validation. I'm not arguing against the need for us all to "examine" ourselves on occasion. I do it here in this blog regularly :)

The Mythology of "ME" is slightly different. This isn't about self-examination and learning so much as about pure selfish indulgence. The generations that have been born since the middle of the last century have become increasingly selfish and obsessed with personal gain at the expense of community.

What this insightful article says despite its rather depressing tone is "Get a grip and get over yourself for a minute!"

We are "lonely" because we have made ourselves so by our refusal to walk in the steps of another. We do not want the responsibility of stepping outside our comfort zones and IDENTIFYING with someone else we are not comfortable with. We want others to identify with US... so long as we don't have to do it for them! This is the "ME" Generation's core theme, that it is all ABOUT "me" not you! Me-ism of the first order! It says "What I want I will have and f*** the rest!"

This crippling and pervasive attitude corrodes and does not build societies. It establishes a system of distrust, dishonesty, tolerance for un-healthy behaviours and a deep skepticism of everything whilst also engaging a strange acceptance of some very wierd and sometimes perverted belief systems. Me-ism implodes like a detonated building in on itself. When we are so focussed on our SELF in this way to the detriment of others, we do ourselves enormous damage as persons of worth and merit. How ironic is that?

No wonder the kids of the 21st Century, as according to this article, are so miserable. What isolated islands of despair we have made for all our beautiful "Me's"

This IS a generalisation of course. There ARE people out there in the world who do not subscribe to the Mythology of "ME" and are genuinely concerned with the world, its people, their communities, families and so on. These people grease the rails toward making life bearable and tolerable through their unstinting generosity of spirit and self-LESS love of others. They are the ones who are NOT miserable nor are they lonely or bereft of love. These are the people - young and middle-aged alike - who are confident enough within themselves to know their value but do not identify too strongly with their "Me" but with their "Us" - no matter how uncomfortable that "Us" makes them feel sometimes.

That is the key to genuine happiness! Stepping outside our comfort zones and engaging in the world around us with all its faults, flaws, difficulties, problems and tediousness. The basic tenet is that the world - and the people who live in it - do not owe us anything but that we owe them everything!

When we build up the ability within ourselves to freely express love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, we are in fact immunising ourselves from the misery that this article suggests is rampant in this fledgling 21st Century.

Love yourself but don't go too far inside your "ME" that you forget why you're here; To serve and be served.

The difference between self sabotage and self deprecation

When I wrote a couple of weeks ago about my tendency toward self-sabotage I mentioned briefly that there was a difference between that and self-deprecation.

It's time to explore the differences.

Self sabotage is rooted in fear. I fear a lot of stuff. I am afraid - dreadfully afraid - of being abandoned and left entirely bereft of love so I tend to subjugate myself and make myself "small" in order to be "accepted" by others.

Its terribly manipulative and not very generous or giving of me, but its an open admission on my part that this is what I instinctively "do" to protect myself from my greatest fear. It is a tough battle I wage between confidence and independant self-love and this long standing habit of being a defeatist slave toward others.

Then there is my skill. It's called self-deprecation. This is a good skill and for some reason Australians - as a culture - seem to be rather good at it.

Self-deprecation is a little bizarre. It CAN seem like self-sabotage and sometimes it gets a little tangled up in that but for the most part - at least for me - self-deprecation is really about humour. This humour is based on a strong sense of self-observation of the ridiculous and silly within myself.

It isn't about self-loathing and it isn't about being completely under-confident; it does however grease the path for building friendship, understanding and breaking the ice with people.

For me self-deprecation means that I am not that afraid of being made to appear foolish or ask stupid questions. It means that I have a strong sense of my short-comings and that's okay because I ain't "perfect" and nor do I need to appear so.

Self-deprecation is about making others comfortable and at ease. Self-deprecation is also about humour and making people smile or laugh because they can't help it - you just make them laugh! :) It is not about manipulation based on fear but on generosity of spirit and gentle encouragement of others. The total opposite to self-sabotage.

The two may look on the surface to be very similar but they aren't. My sense of humour means that I will sometimes say things that sound like I'm "putting myself down" but often I'm merely making an observation about myself that I hope puts someone else at ease in my company and breaks down any misunderstanding between us. I above all do not want to appear superior but equal and creating that equality sometimes means showing some humour based humility.

The balance can easily tip over to self-sabotage though and I am now aware of this. When the Self-deprecation sinks to a level of mere grovel and a desperate lunge for acceptance in order for ME to feel valuable instead of the other person being made to feel comfortable - that is when it gets dangerous again.

I know this now. I'm working on making these two sides of myself more coherent and I'm learning to recognise the signs where my skill at putting others at ease through my use of humorous self-deprecation becomes merely silly self-sabotage.

I AM independant, loving, lovable and valuable! These are not boasts but truths not just about myself but of everyone I know and love.

I am also clumsy, occasionally thick as a brick, short-sighted and absent-minded! These are not just truths but also boasts because I'm glad I am not any more perfect than you! ;)

Your best shot

doesn't always go the way you expect.

When you need to feel, to think, to tell, to show, to just be... sometimes you have to take the risk and go with what you ARE feeling, thinking and wanting to tell, right there and then.

To love is to risk, each and every time its expressed. To love is to expose oneself to the possibility that it may be returned or rejected.

We fear to express love because we fear rejection - abandonment and possibly even being made to look foolish and stupid.

That was the greatest damage done to us in the story of the Garden of Eden. When we "knew" our "nakedness", it wasn't just physical shame - it was a deep emotional fear that came over us too - a fear of isolation so intense and all encompassing that the mere thought of being abandoned like that inside that fear was...is like a void so vast and inescapable it feels like it will consume us completely in its inky black, terrifying nothingness.

To love is to be courageous enough to step into that void with just enough faith and hope to know that you'll come out the other side, still whole and intact. What is on the other side is up to you to find. My prayer is that you find more love and more courage :)

God never fears to express love even when he knows it will be rejected. Fear cannot exist where there is love and He is Love - total and complete - no compromise.

Love expressed is always a good shot to take. If it misses... go on into that dark terrifying void of possibility and absence of presence and see what you find on the other side.

Its worth the step in faith to find your best shot for love. :)

building inner sense

There are a million and one different "me's" inside this persona I present to the world.

All of them are like little pieces of a jigsaw that when put together make up the whole of who I am.

When that jigsaw called "Self" is in disparate parts... putting those pieces in can be a trying time of frustration and concentration.

As you know with jigsaws - pieces only "fit" in one place in one direction. The pattern must "match" or.... (yep! ;))... COHERE to make the outcome - the final picture - become real and observable as a beautiful thing.

Making sense of who I am, what I want, where I want to be, and just how I view the world around me is a daily journey of discovery.

Some days I find pieces that show me doubt and fear. Other days I find pieces of me that show me my joys and desires. There are scary pieces that refect anger, pride, ego-centric needs and there are lovely pieces that reflect my abundant sense of fun and wonder. They all make up the totality of the person I am.

In ALL these pieces of me there is a deep PASSION... to BE as I am - whole, integrated, my SELF.

That SELF I hope to see when all these pieces finally slot into their respective positions? Confident, joyful, peaceful, not given to emotional blackmail or pathetic neediness, strong minded but not strong-willed, independant, gracious and kind, giving but not manipulative, honourable and ethical, fun-loving and child-like but also wise.

Is that too much to ask of ones SELF? No! I don't think so! But it is a process. A daily journey of seeking forgiveness and starting afresh without rancour or petulance about yesterdays gone awry. It IS about approaching life from the reality of the NOW instead of living in the past and/or the future. It is about BEING as one is and admitting when the pieces are not fitting properly and taking responsibility for that.

The best thing about this process? We don't do it alone!

God is there forgiving us every moment of every hour of every day for our mistakes and errancy.

Family are there to keep us grounded in the now and help us to not get too esoteric or ridiculous in our search for coherence of the SELF.

And in this temporal world we live in... one of the most precious gifts we have been given - to help us on this daily journey of discovery - are friends. Not acquaintances or simple passers-by who just acknowledge the mis-shapen picture of ourselves - not yet whole - and make their assumptions based on the holes therein... but real friends who love us, know us and keep helping us to seek the right fit for that piece right there that has our current attention. Be that piece the "lonely gloomy" part of me, or the "fun-loving, generous" part of me - they don't discard any of them but help me to integrate all these pieces into the construct of the final picture - loving and enjoying each part because it makes ME who I am in the end.

The people who BELIEVE in the potential of that final picture are the ones who make all the difference to our sense of SELF. These are the people God gives us to be his hands and feet to us - his living arms and his open loving heart. These are the the people who bring sense to our lives and make things more coherent. These are the people that make being Whole important and worthwhile.

For what good is it to be whole in ones SELF if one cannot make it better for ones friends. :)

***
It is with some awe that I add this link to Alexys Fairfield's blog over at Unraveling the Spiritual Mystique - she wrote, just a few short hours after I posted the above, on the same theme of Jigsaw Puzzles :) It says what I'd like to have said if I could write like her. Thanks A. You rock! :)

Love your scars

My body is spotted with little scars from past accidents.

I have a scar on the little finger of my right hand where my brother slammed the car door on it when I was about 8 or 9 years old.

I have a more recent and very obvious scar on my left forearm where the doctor removed a suspicious looking skin "thing" a couple of years ago.

And I have a scar on my right foot from when I crashed a motorbike into a tree at age 12 (I was dodging a snake at the time *blush*)

Should I worry and fret about these scars? They're not 'beautiful' after all!

No way! I love them! Seriously! I love ALL my scars. They tell "My story"! They are my history and they somewhat help to define the ME that I am now.

Same with emotional, spiritual and intellectual "scars". The wounds that cut deepest and are often hidden from the world. I love these more difficult scars too. Or at least I'm learning to.

These scars are also not 'beautiful' but they are as real as any physical scar. They are evidence of lessons in life, love, hurt and pain. All stuff that helps me to grow, move and change toward more life, love, joy and freedom :) I will NOT give up faith, hope AND love just because of these deep wounds inside me that no one else can see! They define me and make me who I am right now and will go on being the foundation for making the 'Me' that I will be in the years to come.

Some of these hidden scars are now healed over - the evidence of them exists but they are now just like my physical scars - patched over with new tissue - new hope and life - lessons learned. Other wounds are yet to heal completely.

The thing is that these emotional wounds can sometimes take too long to heal until I stop picking away at the "scabs" and just allow some emotional "scar tissue" to grow across them.

Scar tissue is necessary for healing. Scar tissue is the COHERENCE of the self again - the glue that binds it all together and makes it not hurt anymore! It means that the wound is still visible but HEALED and whole again. The history of its making and the way it changes me - makes me who I am now and into the future - is just as it is, a memory, a time-frame, a piece of my past. And a basis for what is to come.

Love your scars. They make you dearly precious and as unique as a snowflake or a fingerprint. NO ONE has ever had or ever will have the scars you do in quite the same way as you. The unique story they tell is YOUR story and no one elses.

Scars are not to be reviled but relished as evidence of a LIFE made whole again.

beautiful empty spaces

its in the quiet spaces i found you
unspoken and unheard
where no mask or cover could hide you
from this truth beautiful - absurd

its in this ether - this nothing
amorphous and surreal
where cost could count for no thing
the prize being love - the sweetest deal

its in these empty moments
peaceful and serene
where i find joys best moments
and fulfilment for this dream

© M. Pitman 2006

sex

And now that I have your attention! :)

This is actually about communication. What is unspoken in love rather than anything spoken.

Its the communication in the quiet spaces in between talk and words, where we find some of the truest and deepest intimacies in our relationships. When the peaceful quiet between lovers is filled with gentle calm, comfortable communion, warm being - that is when you have a relationship worth fighting for during disagreements and misunderstandings.

and yes... sex is communication :) The ultimate form thereof really. We say a lot about ourselves in our expression of sex. When its about the one you adore and you simply have no other way of expressing your love for them except through the physical, [with or without words], it can be the most beautiful communication there is.

The gentle 'art' of being pissed off!

In a BAD mood today!

I did not deliberately choose to be in this mood. In fact this morning, I actually wondered what mood I "should wear" for the day!

I didn't HAVE a mood when I woke this morning. I felt strangely disjointed and outside of myself not "all there".

Pissed Off decided to visit today instead.

Nothing to be pissed off about really. Just FEEL like being irritable, irrational, irksome and gloomy.

I know it will pass. It always does.

On days like today I take the Scarlett O'Hara meme and figure "Tomorrow is another day".

There's an "art" to being pissed off without being in everyones face about it. So... I have this "mood" happening. Not sure why, but something inside my brain is not sparking like it should. So I choose to let it ride itself out and separate myself slightly from it and look at it from the outside in. I "observe" myself objectively being "in a bad mood" and it doesn't feel quite so "bad". It's just a mood that Mitch is in and nothing need be done about it except maybe a good cry and a good nights sleep perhaps.

This is a bit like a mental paper cut really. Ouch! But it gets better quickly.

The cause of it is moot. Brain chemistry is as hard to figure out in bad moods as they are in good - I'm not particularly fussed about "analysing" my behaviour today - it's just a "thing" I need to let happen and the less I fight it, the less likely it is that it'll stick around.

If it DOES stick around for more than today... I will TALK it out with a friend, always the first port of call in remedying an errant non-constructive mood behaviour.

Bad moods are to be treated as you would a child throwing a tantrum in a supermarket! Calmly and firmly - no rewards and no bribes, just pick it up and carry it home and do the shopping later.

Genius so far...

This is post number 111.

My "eleventy-first" :) (thanks Bilbo Baggins)

... no big celebrations. Nor am I about to disappear into the night.

This is just a simple muse on the question, "How far have I come since naming my Genius?" Its pretty introspective this blog today so I'm not really going to be surprised if people roll their eyes and click over to the next blog at about ...here! *grin*

Am I really Constructing Coherence like I thought?

Yes! I still believe that that name is the "right" one for me. It just makes so much sense really (to me) that this is what I DO.

I stick to things and people. I try to make sense of the world, to find meaning and order along with Story and magic too. I gather like things together and try to make them fit into a logical whole. My "coherence" is not really so much about "solving puzzles" although I am inclined to want to do that - particularly "solving" puzzling people! ;) It's more about building up trust and friendships and creating that entente I love so much.

The really big thing I've noticed is that I AM about team-work. I like working on my own but I tend to live inside my own head too much. My Genius gets underfed when it lives inside my own head for too long... it needs people around to help it grow and do its thing! I think perhaps this is why I have stuck around the Genius Workshop for so long...it "feels" like there's a team in there! Thanks Dick, Martin, and to all the members who quietly sit in the background taking notes *grin* (yes... I know! I need to shut up more and let others have a say in the GW too! huh? I hear you! *blush*)

I've also noticed a huge jump in my story-writing since naming my Genius. Writing is a long time love of mine that has never really found full expression. This year is the first year in probably 7 or 8 years that I have been engaged in the process of writing a lot more. I have discovered that I "am" text. I feel more "me" when I write in words and sentences than when I speak or move in my bubble of space. My physical self is a klutzy, ditzy, rather strange mixture of self-conscious exuberance. My writing self is quieter, more intimate and detailed: my writing self is better able to make sense.

The writing this year has been intense. I've loved every minute of it. This blog has opened new opportunities for me to explore some really deep thinking that I just cannot find expression for elsewhere. :) It's been quite exhilarating and cathartic. I've had more joy this year than I can remember in a long, long time.

I've had periods of writing before such as (bad?) poetry in my late teens and young adult hood etc. I also wrote a lot of church drama's a few years ago which totally enthralled me but I burnt out from that process because it wasn't "just" writing it was directing, producing, acting in and rehearsing them as well etc! A tough gig every two weeks with a wee family and a business! Phew! I have no idea how I did that now! :) (You can find some of my drama's here under Michelle Pitman. They are available free for use in any setting :)).

But Story! Story thrills me! It moves me and engages me like no other writing. I love the way a Story can just come together out of nothing but an idea and maybe a few scraps of un-related words. This is, I think the biggest change to come from the naming of my Genius, the discovery of Stories that live inside me. I love that. :) I do owe some thanks to Martin Spernau in this discovery for his encouragement and many of those un-related words! :) Thanks mate :)

The other changes? New found friendships, a new found zest for life and living, a new hope for the future and a surprising amount of confidence I didn't know I had! :)

Naming ones Genius (or Gift you prefer) may sound like an exercise in self-indulgence and arrogant pride but it's not! It's a journey of humble self-discovery. It is also a process that continues throughout life in the company of strangers and friends. We all have something to bring to the table and we all have something to take as well. Life like this is meant to be savoured, both bitter and sweet. When you find - and name - that gem of uniqueness and amazing wonder inside you... you can't help but feel astonished that you ever had so much power!

Heart and guts my friend

I was musing on the "how" I make decisions with a friend the other day.

I tend to trust my gut feeling for any big decisions I make.

For the basic everyday decisions, my intellect is pretty much in charge. But the BIG decisions of my life in the areas of love, desire, need and yes overseas trips... I have relied totally on the feeling I feel inside my gut.

I rarely trust my heart to make my decisions for me.

You see my heart - not the actual organ but that metaphysical "heart" of inner being - is too romantic and fanciful. It constructs possiblities and fantasies which rarely come to pass. It is an unreliable servant at its best and a disasterous master at worst.

My heart is given to wanting things it cannot have, seeking after romantic desires that are not possible, reading things between lines that may not actually be there.

So to trust it for decision making for me is very unwise.

When I have a big decision to make, I ask a question and then pose either a Yes or a No to that question. After each time I ask "Yes?" I LISTEN to what my gut tells me. After each time I ask "No?" I LISTEN to what my gut tells me.

If I feel a resonance, a ripple, a tingle, or any strange sensation deep inside my gut (and yes I'm talking my physical gut here down near my belly button ;))... then I have my answer. If I feel nothing I also have my answer.

I do this a number of times to be very sure. My analytical, logical (and somewhat skeptical) side demands that I continually test to ensure I do indeed have the "right" response and that the outcome will be "appropriate". This gets tricky when my gut says yes to something that my head says isn't such a good idea! But I'd much prefer to trust my gut than any inner "Vulcan" in me anyway :)

My head doubts. My heart romanticises. My gut tells me what I really want.

How do you make your big decisions? :)

You don't always need to think! Sometimes what you feel is more accurate.

One day I'll wake up and smell the Reality!

I live in the future!

Always have.

My whole being is consigned to this obsession with what will happen in the future.

I dream about the future, I construct possibilities for the future and I negotiate with God about the future. I ache for the future and I dread the future. I have this insatiable desire to KNOW the future - to make the possibilities inherent in it - be they good or bad - fact and history before they've even begun!

There is only ever NOW. The present. This gift of time that belongs nowhere else but at this spot, point, place, right here NOW.

So why do I invest so many of my waking hours dreaming of potential "things" that will or will not potentially come pass?

Because by thinking about my future I can easily ignore any responsibility I have for this present.

This Now isn't always as lucrative, enjoyable, scintillating, inviting, nasty, vicious, unrestrained, restrained, expansive, immutable, mutable, joyful, hateful, kind, generous, ill-begotten, strange, wonderful, boring, or as exciting as we expect it to be. Our Now is as unpredictable as change itself!

Living inside my head in a constructed imaginary future gives me escape and hope that I have some kind of control over my life. That my moments will not play out like some cruel cosmic joke designed to keep me permanently disappointed in life.

The future never actually arrives. It's always Now. What I think and imagine about the future is not reality - they're dreams, constructs of ideas. Thinking about the future is like constantly rewriting a story, creating new outcomes and endings, plot twists and developments. Imagining the future is creating Story.

And why do I do this?

Because I AM story! I live in a story book world where I am never totally engaged in my Now but in my fairytale instead. I was like this as a kid. I NEVER took responsibility really for the circumstances of my life but turned instead to my love of Story to escape my painful present. Imagining the portents of the future was and is my way of living outside of my Now. If I don't live inside my Now...then what happens in it cannot be my responsibility can it? Yeah right!

I've grown up now. I DO have responsibilities I must accept about this Now I live in. I'm wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and child of God. What I do NOW, is every bit as important as what I will do - might do - never do - in my Now's to come.

I can plan for the future but I must not become so engaged with those plans that I neglect my Now. My Now is dependant on having good future plans but those plans must feed my Now - not the other way around.

What is real is what is here in my Now not what I imagine tomorrow to be. I know this and as I've gotten older I do try to live by this principle.

Its hard though - living in the Now! The future is always so much more entertaining really and I do so love to be entertained. Story is always about being entertained afterall.

So yeah! One day I really might just wake up and smell the Reality. When I do I shall have lost just a little bit of my imagination and my story. In a way that's kinda sad, even though it's very pragmatic and responsible.

Its for this reason that I'm NOT giving up living in my imaginary future. I KNOW its imaginary and its not real but to lose the pleasure of dreaming it is just too much to bear.

In the end - just because I love my stories so - I shall always enjoy imagining a thousand different futures even if they never come to pass.

Martin shows Mitch how not to "be small".

There’s humility and then there’s self-sabotage.

Martin Spernau and I had an interesting chat conversation the other day. We were talking about speaking in front of large groups. I mentioned that I thought it was something he could easily do but something I couldn’t. He of course asked why! And instinctively I said:

“Because I’m too self-concious”

He mused on that for only a second before telling me that I thought myself “small”.

Well! Talk about hit a nerve! Ack!

“You make yourself soooo small Mitch!” were his words.

His next were, “There is a difference between humble and self-sabotage!”

Well of course I disputed this impression I thought he had of me most vociferously! I mean me? Self-sabotage? Never?

And not long after that I HAD to admit that yes – indeed I do. Always have!

Martin is a good coach – he sees things and notices stuff others would not notice. He’s a good friend to have in things like this – in ones personal development journey. He’s open to encouraging change but never confrontational about it. :)

When I was a wee girl, I was bullied a lot. I am a soft person, not given to bravado and aggressive stances – it’s just not hard-wired into me. However, in order to survive, I learned this “trick” of perverted humility called “Self-sabotage”. [Some might call it Self-deprecation but more on the subtle differences between these two concepts another time perhaps. :)]

My self-sabotage was/is a bullying de-fuser. Basically, if I set myself up to be “smaller” than another person initially and give over some of my personal power to them, then this “protects” me by virtue of my “gracious condescension” and “humility” and I therefore receive feedback in the form of gratitude and good humour from the person I have “elevated” above myself. IOW - I circumvent the possibility of any potential bullying occurring from someone else by bullying myself first! Does that make sense?

It’s very “ape-like” of me really. I do that whole crouch low and grovel stuff in front of the status member of the pack like in chimpanzee society. It’s a way of helping me ingratiate myself into the "alpha" male/female's “good books” and therefore survive - feed even - on the flow down effect of their gratitude! It is a form of "constructing" I do for that coherence that I crave with people.

It’s perverse and very manipulative really without intending to be so consciously. I never intend/ed to give any of my personal power over to others but it’s become such an ingrained habit/survival strategy that I just don’t notice doing it anymore. It’s no wonder I get confused when people refuse to accept my self-abnegation and sabotage because they just “don’t like me" anyway!

Intellectually, I know all about self confidence and humility. I know that one can be humble but still as equal to or even more externally successful than another! I understand all that stuff – intellectually. But deep down, it’s a whole other ball-game! Emotionally and Spiritually, I just do not accept that I am equal to others at all. I believe myself unworthy of so much – and not just because that puts the power into the other person’s territory, but because my inherited Judeo-Christian Ethic is completely screwed by a deeply flawed understanding of that whole Humility thing!

So what IS being humble without giving away pieces of ones self?

Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa! All these people embody a humility that is not about self-sabotage but Grace. They were content to BE themselves and choose consciously their own right to be who they are and what they did. They did not kow-tow or balk in the face of potential humiliation but rather courageously and almost defiantly stood their ground.

And yet, out of this confidence they had in themselves they graciously and non-violently assisted others to be themselves too, never hoping to receive any rewards or gratification for doing so. They were not interested in personal survival or feedback of the kind I seek in my self-sabotage. Instead, they gave of themselves willingly because they genuinely cared that other people should know the same Grace and confidence they also experienced.

So what have I learned that I need to change? That being assertive and confident is not inherently violent or aggressive. That I can be happy that I am as I am. That I do not NEED to make myself “small” to receive protection or any other faulty feedback. That my survival as an emotional, intellectual and spiritual being, is not dependant on other peoples valuations and assumptions of me - that that validation comes from God alone. That I can find positive feedback from my own sense of value in what I am and what I do.

I need to seek a state of Grace in this that asserts that I am just as able to lead or be lead as anyone else; that my skills, talents, knowledge and abilities are just as valuable as anothers. That I am a person of merit and value, and that when the push comes – I do have what it takes to be there to meet the challenge and give the best I can to make it happen! This isn't about arrogance or pride at all. It's about CONFIDENCE and BELIEF in who one is and what one does. It is not about "me" its about just BEING me for the benefit of my God and the world around me. :)

Now to actually practise that? :) Let me work on it - it takes time to change bad habits but I get there in the end for the most part. :)

:) So…? Anyone need a coach? I happen to know someone who’s not too bad at it – at all! You’ll find him here.

Explore and Exploit - The Genius Way

The Genius Workshop has had a very interesting thread of late.

Biren has gently shared his struggles to find both the name of his unique gift and his purpose. Its been tough on him as it can be when one delves into the inner recesses of the soul.

The key point raised from his search has been this:

"i need to stop exploring, and start exploiting"

Insight right there! :)

It is all too easy to navel-gaze endlessly over our various faults, flaws and fabulous features! We all too easily can become so self-absorbed in our search for meaning and personal value that we forget that it isn't about "us" - its about what we DO!

When we begin to "exploit" our gifts and unique selves for the benefit and purpose of meeting the needs of those around us - that is WHEN we truly discover who we are and what our value is. Our truest sense of self is expressed in our forgetting what we are and just being who we are as God made us.

Sure! It's still valuable and even necessary to refine our knowledge of ourselves and what our unique Gift is that we bring to the world - but that's not the be all and end all of our exploration. Our exploration of ourselves need not spiral ever inward! It is to be demonstrated and explored - exploited even - outward into the world we live in! That is the work of true Genius - all the rest is just arrogance and self indulgence.

Biren has deeply understood the significance of this. Instead of continually focussing in - he has sensed that its time to focus OUT. Ironically - it will be the focussing out that will probably give him what he really needs and wants to know in the end anyway. :) I hope so.

Please be encouraged to join the Genius Workshop and explore your own journey on naming your Genius and finding your purpose. We weren't meant to do this kind of thing on our own I think :) A supportive network of like-minded friends and acquaintances can make the difference between mere exploration and refined exploitation.