Sunday, September 24, 2006


I have a riddle to solve.

How does one not ask the questions one doesn't actually want answers to?


How does one actually listen for and accept those answers?

I am not always very good at asking tough questions of myself about what I really want.

I live inside my fantasies and I love doing that. My fantasies are my preferred "truth". They are not real, achievable or honest but they soothe and lull me into a false sense of security.

When I believe what my fantasies tell me about reality and don't test them accurately, I live inside a bubble of determined falsity; a constructed dream of polished plot and fairytale. Everything has a happy ending in my fantasies. It's a lovely chimera of the mind and the heart.

My fantasies are generally what I believe and want in my future. I don't actually always like what I have right now so I don't ask myself the tough questions about what I want right now - too much potential for confronting and disappointing answers. I'm never disappointed in my fantasies. I can believe anything is possible.

So reality is hard for me to deal with sometimes. Asking about what I want NOW in this time and place is asking my heart to answer so acutely honestly, it is like preparing to endure a bad run of paper cuts.

So I don't ask the questions I need answers to but don't want to hear.

I so need to change this in me.

I need to become less dishonest with myself. I also need courage to accept what my heart tells me is true for me right now to those questions I really don't want to ask.

First I need to ask those questions!

So scary!


Anonymous said...

If you have the courage to ask the questions, you have the courage to answer them. Wisdom is one of our greatest rewards.

Michelle said...

So true Alexys. :)

When I was a little girl of about 8 years old, I was very impressed with the story of Solomon as a child in the Old Testament asking God to give him wisdom to rule over the people of Israel.

He could have easily used God as some kind of benevolent genie and demanded impossible wealth and power, but he didn't. He asked to be able to serve those under him with justice and humility.

I remember being so impressed by this I prayed for the gift of Wisdom too... for many years. I still do.

Being wise isn't easy though and it can really hurt but ultimately, wisdom brings rewards that we don't always see in the present eh?

Thanks for your encouragement and for you own God given wisdom m'dear.