I have a riddle to solve.
How does one not ask the questions one doesn't actually want answers to?
How does one actually listen for and accept those answers?
I am not always very good at asking tough questions of myself about what I really want.
I live inside my fantasies and I love doing that. My fantasies are my preferred "truth". They are not real, achievable or honest but they soothe and lull me into a false sense of security.
When I believe what my fantasies tell me about reality and don't test them accurately, I live inside a bubble of determined falsity; a constructed dream of polished plot and fairytale. Everything has a happy ending in my fantasies. It's a lovely chimera of the mind and the heart.
My fantasies are generally what I believe and want in my future. I don't actually always like what I have right now so I don't ask myself the tough questions about what I want right now - too much potential for confronting and disappointing answers. I'm never disappointed in my fantasies. I can believe anything is possible.
So reality is hard for me to deal with sometimes. Asking about what I want NOW in this time and place is asking my heart to answer so acutely honestly, it is like preparing to endure a bad run of paper cuts.
So I don't ask the questions I need answers to but don't want to hear.
I so need to change this in me.
I need to become less dishonest with myself. I also need courage to accept what my heart tells me is true for me right now to those questions I really don't want to ask.
First I need to ask those questions!