I live in the future!
My whole being is consigned to this obsession with what will happen in the future.
I dream about the future, I construct possibilities for the future and I negotiate with God about the future. I ache for the future and I dread the future. I have this insatiable desire to KNOW the future - to make the possibilities inherent in it - be they good or bad - fact and history before they've even begun!
There is only ever NOW. The present. This gift of time that belongs nowhere else but at this spot, point, place, right here NOW.
So why do I invest so many of my waking hours dreaming of potential "things" that will or will not potentially come pass?
Because by thinking about my future I can easily ignore any responsibility I have for this present.
This Now isn't always as lucrative, enjoyable, scintillating, inviting, nasty, vicious, unrestrained, restrained, expansive, immutable, mutable, joyful, hateful, kind, generous, ill-begotten, strange, wonderful, boring, or as exciting as we expect it to be. Our Now is as unpredictable as change itself!
Living inside my head in a constructed imaginary future gives me escape and hope that I have some kind of control over my life. That my moments will not play out like some cruel cosmic joke designed to keep me permanently disappointed in life.
The future never actually arrives. It's always Now. What I think and imagine about the future is not reality - they're dreams, constructs of ideas. Thinking about the future is like constantly rewriting a story, creating new outcomes and endings, plot twists and developments. Imagining the future is creating Story.
And why do I do this?
Because I AM story! I live in a story book world where I am never totally engaged in my Now but in my fairytale instead. I was like this as a kid. I NEVER took responsibility really for the circumstances of my life but turned instead to my love of Story to escape my painful present. Imagining the portents of the future was and is my way of living outside of my Now. If I don't live inside my Now...then what happens in it cannot be my responsibility can it? Yeah right!
I've grown up now. I DO have responsibilities I must accept about this Now I live in. I'm wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and child of God. What I do NOW, is every bit as important as what I will do - might do - never do - in my Now's to come.
I can plan for the future but I must not become so engaged with those plans that I neglect my Now. My Now is dependant on having good future plans but those plans must feed my Now - not the other way around.
What is real is what is here in my Now not what I imagine tomorrow to be. I know this and as I've gotten older I do try to live by this principle.
Its hard though - living in the Now! The future is always so much more entertaining really and I do so love to be entertained. Story is always about being entertained afterall.
So yeah! One day I really might just wake up and smell the Reality. When I do I shall have lost just a little bit of my imagination and my story. In a way that's kinda sad, even though it's very pragmatic and responsible.
Its for this reason that I'm NOT giving up living in my imaginary future. I KNOW its imaginary and its not real but to lose the pleasure of dreaming it is just too much to bear.
In the end - just because I love my stories so - I shall always enjoy imagining a thousand different futures even if they never come to pass.