It's all part of the process...

(the title for this post is deliberately stolen from one of my favourite Morcheeba tracks :))

The verb part of my Genius name is "Constructing".

I thought I'd spend a bit of time exploring just what it is about my genius that could be called "constructing".

Okay... first a disclaimer: When I say Genius, I am not referring to intellectual prowess. Far from it. Genius in this context is somewhat differerent. Dick Richards delineates Genius from IQ this way:-

Your genius can be thought of in a practical way: as the exceptional power that comes most naturally to you, as the process in which you engage so spontaneously and easily that you do not notice it, and as the business you are in as a person. It can also be thought of in a spiritual way: as the energy of your soul, and as an answer to the question of why you exist among the human community.

You can read more about what Dick says here.

When I chose constructing as the "doing" word of my genius I was very much aware that my "thing" that I do naturally and instinctively is never really just 'There'. I am often in the process of struggle to achieve what I set out to achieve and suffer a lot of frustration along the way when I can't seem to get to where I want to ideally be.

I seem to have to grow into things. I am the type that needs to experience first before instinct and knowledge come naturally. Each step in my lifes journey is a building block being carefully secured in place or shifted to fit better as time goes on. I cannot just "do" my genius of coherence instantly. If I could, I'd have a whole bunch of incredibly close friends instead of just a very small handful.

Time seems to be my ever present burden and brake for my genius to express itself properly. The construction process is a time consuming thing. Buildings, pyramids, art, anything constructed step by plodding step all take vast quantities of time. Time will be what makes or breaks my genius.

I've noticed that I seem to be "growing up" at long last. It's taken me probably close on 33 years to outgrow adolescence. I was always the dreamer, the idealistic romantic. Burdened by too much naivete and too much fear, I've constructed coherence between friends and loved ones through the strategic manipulation of invisible walls and unseen bridges. Now I want to see which of those walls need breaking down, which bridges need repair and which of both need total demolition. It takes time and maturity to even want to know this let alone actually go about the reconstruction of them. :)

And its primarily process that drives me. Construction is a process. A finely balanced set of principles and procedures that eventually lead to a conclusion. There is shift, change, adaptation, manouevering, building, laying of foundations, scaffolding, manipulation, composition, sorting and all manner of subtleties within the process that must occur before you achieve the end result.

My genius is not about end results - its about all the stuff that occurs beforehand. The process is what is important about what I do - not just the final results.

I am MOSTLY constructing... not merely coherence. In fact, most close to me would say that "coherence" is a word that really should not suit me as a person. I rarely make sense to most people it seems :) "Ditzy", "blonde", "A bit thick", - these are the refutes of my entire life and yet I can also wow people with tidbits of knowledge and understanding gleaned over the years.

Ones genius isn't rocket science but nor is it easy either. You either know yourself or you don't. Knowing ones Genius name isn't the end of the matter either. What really matters is the process you use to express your Genius in the world. Genius is doing not just being. It's a moving forward with your own unique stagger, wobble and stride to make what you do work the way you were designed to make it work.

I'm sure there are other people in the world who are about 'Coherence' but just how they go about doing that would be entirely different to me. Only Mitch from SE Australia has and does that thing called "Constructing Coherence". It's what I do and is so uniquely instinctive to me I can barely figure out just how I do it let alone why.

I have learned much about myself this past year, delving into this concept of Genius as described by Dick. This is also a construction process; a process of discovery, of understanding my own identity. The knowledge I gain about my strengths and weaknesses on this journey, will I hope, help me to understand others better.

Hey... I got tagged!

Yep...

Lots of people are chasing each other on the net these days and springing virtual thumps on arms or touching fingertips on backs and yelling "You're IT"

Virtual Tag is bringing the child out in all of us harking back to the days of our youth - no matter which generation - and reminding us of those times when bills and "work" were childs play and nothing in all the world mattered except your best friend and the teddy you cuddled at night in bed (in my case - it was a mouse rather than a teddy :))

We called Tag "Chasey" in my corner of Australia. It was fast, fun, furious and sometimes taken deathly seriously by the boys in my tiny primary school.

So anyway Dick Richards tagged little old me on his blog and I feel rather honoured really, to have been singled out for the attention.

So Five things you may not know about me huh?

Hmmmm

1) I can only see out of one eye. My left eye has gone blind from Glaucoma. No more to add on that one. I cope well. I can drive and have great mobility although I can't dance as gracefully as I used to be able to - my balance and kinesthetic intelligence have taken a beating along with losing some sight it seems.

2) I adore sci-fi television. I rarely watch a lot of TV these days but I make the effort to record the very late night offerings of whatever Sci-Fi series is going. I grew up in a home surrounded by a lot of sci-fi literature. But Doctor Who was my first great love on the TV - My sister and I will never forget cowering behind the couch terrified, as the Yeti Men stalked the Doctor and his female sidekick :).

I am currently collecting the entire DVD/Magazine series of StarTrek: The Next Generation *grin* - how geeky can you get really but I love it

3) I won a trophy for Weightlifting once. I was training for rowing actually, but got really interested in the process of strength building and went on to adopt weight-lifting as a sport for about 18 months when I was in my early 20's. In a small local competition I managed to clean and jerk my body weight (then a very lean 62kg) which earned me a trophy :) It's the ONLY trophy I've ever won for any sport anywhere.

4) I have always wanted to be a movie Director. Film has long held a strong fascination for me. My grand dream has always been to write and direct a big budget movie based on a classic sci-fi novel called "Out of the Silence" By Earle Cox (I am sooo excited to see it finally up on Project Gutenberg Australia! Whooo hooo! - If you can, make some time to read this story, it's incredible)

5) I have been a glider pilot and have flown solo. My dad is a non-commercial pilot and has flown gliders for close on 45 years (maybe more - I'll have to ask him). As a wee girl I used to go with him on Saturdays and Sundays to the local flying club and spend the day there playing in and around the aircraft.

I went solo 2nd September 1979 and earned my "C Badge" classification in gliding :). One of my most memorable flying expeditions was with a friend from the club and we sailed up the side of a thundercloud to around 15,000 + ft and then dived down straight toward a double circular set of rainbows in the the sky before the storm front. I'll never forget that experience.

Unfortunately, other interests got in the way and I never kept up with my flying which I regret now.

Okay... now I'm off to chase down Martin Spernau, EM Sky and Alexys Fairfield... they're getting TAGGED *grin*

What if I had the money...?

I've often dreamed of winning the lottery.

It's never happened of course because I rarely buy a ticket! hahaha

I dream (and often pray) for the opportunity to become philanthropic.

I want to WIN so I can give it away. I have friends and family who are desperately in need of some sort of financial boost and I'd love to be able to help them out in some way without making them feel like they owed me something in return.

Oh yes! I would love to be able to give altruistically without any second thought as to the return favours.

I rarely expect to have my gift giving reciprocated. I give when I feel like to whom I feel like giving. To me, the honour and the pleasure is in choosing a gift for someone, that resonates with some of our shared history and our combined temperaments. I love taking the time to choose a gift carefully for loved ones and I don't necessarily like having to stick to traditional seasons for gift-giving either, though I will recognise these occasions more often than not.

I just like to give gifts to my people to show them how much they mean to me. It's as simple as that really.

What I don't like is people taking my generosity for granted and expecting it to come to them as a matter of course. Gift giving stops when I sense that someone is beginning to take advantage of me like that.

And if I still "have" to give gifts for forms sake then the 'gift' isn't really heart-felt or searched out with care. I admit that I become very pragmatic about gift-giving when its expected of me.

When my friends and family accept that I give when I have the heart and the love to give - then they will understand that the gift isn't so much about the gift itself but that they are dear enough to me that I care for them in this way.

In a way... I have won a lottery!

Not a financial one but a Love Lottery! :) I have a lot of love in my life both from me and to me and that has to count for more than all the millions the universe could throw at me huh? :)

But yeah! I'd still like to throw some free cash at them all the same ;)

What if.... No 1

What if I didn't have a sense of humour?

Well....

This is me without a sense of humour.

"My life totally sucks! I hate working full-time and I want to be free of the stupid shop and get a real life writing and being on my beloved internet 18 out of 24 hours a day"

See?

Not so much fun am I?

Without a sense of humour the day to day hum-drum of existence totally sucks! Depression, ingratitude, pride, arrogance and a deeply held belief that the whole world OWES me something for nothing is the direct result of not having a healthy sense of humour.

I believe that a sense of humour is deeply rooted in humility. It's not all about "me". Humility is about not believing oneself to be better or worse than anyone else. It's about accepting the curve-balls thrown at me by life as just another part of the rules of the game and not getting too het up about how the game is played.

Life isn't meant to be taken that seriously or God would not have created laughter, irony, satire or slapstick. The ability to laugh in the face of sucky daily living is a sign of maturity rather than an abnegation of "duty". You can still do your duty with a smile on your face after all.

Everything has a season of course - there is a time for grief and sadness - but I do think that deep joy is definitely evidenced by the outward expression of humour and laughter. There is peace in the heart when you know you're important to God and equally as important as everyone else.

I'll keep my sense of humour thanks. :)

Embracing my What if's

I've decided to embrace rather than fight with the "What if's? inside my head.

I'm a "What if...?" kind of girl. I am always prognosticating about the possibilities, good or bad that may or may not lie in the immediate future.

The curiosity in me is boundless. I need to KNOW stuff. I like knowing stuff.

The future is unknowable of course. That's kind of frustrating. I like being able to know what is going to happen. So.. I play the endless "What if...?" Game inside my head, tossing around scenes from a potential future - usually bad! *blush*

Thing is that I am always surprised at how GOOD things turn out, probably because I've imagined all the worst case scenario's, so anything better than those is a bonus! hahaha

I thought perhaps I should play around with my "What if...?" questions here in this blog. Musing on things in print seems to make the stupid more obvious and the really cool even more so.

The 'What if?' posts should come thick and fast... I hope :)

time to be me

I'm getting used to the working full-time thing...slowly :)

My masseur last week made an interesting observation about MY life that took me rather by surprise actually.

She was noting that I was a "classic example" of the post-modern woman with my peculiar lifestyle.

I'm not alone of course - hundreds of thousands of women around the world do what I do and often MORE each day than they have a right to - AND we seem to be expected to pack ever more into our busy days! But I suspect those expectations are just stupid marketing messages from our screwed-up results-based society really!

I'm a woman who is...

a) a wife of a shift-working man :)
b) a mother of two kids in their early teens with all the associated angst that that role seems to produce in a day *sigh*
c) a business partner with my husband. We are self-employed in the food industry.
d) a daughter, sister, aunty, cousin etc - [women seem to MAKE families happen really].
e) a friend (my most favourite role of all actually and probably the one after husband and kids I tend to invest the most of my precious time into)
f) a church goer
g) I'm also a housekeeper, business bookkeeper, cleaner and shopping expert and DVD-R expert (I record stuff for my husband to watch on the tv nearly every day - I know my way around a DVD Recorder better than most ;))
h) I also go to the gym, read books, watch tv shows, write cards, blog, write short stories, listen to music, use cosmetics and other such "potions".
i) And after all this, I work in our take away food shop around 42 hours per week.

I get up at about 5am most mornings to talk to my best friend, do laundry, clean stuff, make the bed, sort stuff, write and give the cat his medicine!

I crash on the couch around 9pm until my husband gets out of our bed to go to work at around 11pm (sometimes I don't even hear him leave and will wake up still on the couch in the early morning hours :))

So yeah! It's a busy life! The kids help a little bit here and there with a LOT of rather noisy "encouragement" from me of course ;) They'll get there I guess.

One thing I do believe though is that we girls need to not place such high standards on ourselves. We can't do everything, all the time, every time, perfectly! Some things have to give and they do. Thing is, it's where you place the value that will determine what gives. For me, what gives is the vacuuming! If I can let that go for as long as humanly possible I will and not give a fig! I make the kids do it now when it's necessary anyway. It's not like I enjoy living in a tip, but I just don't NEED to vacuum this crappy carpet like some demented Sadie! If I had new carpet - this value judgement might significantly change but until then - it's a no mitch-go zone! hahaha

Love thy neighbour as thyself!

And I look after myself first!

That sounds absolutely heretical but it's an important thing really to note. When I take care of myself first [within reason of course], I have enough in my emotional and physical tank for everyone else.

My God, my husband, my kids and my beloved family and friends are the most important priorities I have and if I don't take care of ME - then I miss out on them and I do not want that to happen at all.

So to hell with being the "perfect little housewife" - I am a modern woman with my eye on MY goals and nobody else's. If that makes you grimace then you just ain't busy enough to understand.

The city

Hubby and I visited Melbourne overnight last night.

I love visiting the Big Smoke. There is a certain element of excitement to be going to the hub and hurry of a big complex city.

I hate and detest far outer suburbia but for some reason the central heart of any big city thrills and elevates me to wonder and delight.

Whilst we stayed in an inner suburb, the heart of Melbourne, with its tall towering skyscrapers, all shiny and silvery against the skyline, wasn't far away.

I could live in the heart of a city. I could not live in the boxy, artificial housing estates on the fringe though. It's like I need to feel the rhythm of a city in my blood and to me, its the centre of town that pulsates with this life - not way out there in 'Burbland!

Melbourne over recent years has developed a strong cafe culture with small, quirky and interesting places to greet, meet AND eat, tucked away in side streets and alleyways. It literally feels like being in a giant gastronomic puzzle. :) The food is unbelievable and eclectic beyond belief! You can taste the world in Melbourne now.

The only real downer to Melbourne on the whole is that it seems to be still packed with cigarette smokers! Australia is very much an anti-smoking campaign nation. The evidence is insurmountable now that smoking causes so many ills in our society. Even South Australia are planning to bring in legislation to ban smoking in cars where small children are present!

Still! It amazed me to see in just the short time we were there yesterday how many people - young women particularly - were lighting up in the streets. They were thin and they were attractive...until they lit up their smoke! I don't understand why. They have no real vision of how much the smoking thing taints the overall image of their beautiful city let alone themselves.

It seems ironic in many ways that I saw so many thin women who smoked, and yet who were surrounded by so much food! It was as if the smoking was their chosen tool of protection against becoming curvaceous from the sensual pleasure of tasting the banquet laid out before them on every street!

I'm curvy - perhaps too much so in the light of the evidence against obesity. I love my food - GOOD food! I would rather eat a plate of good food once a day than have to fill my lungs with smoke 25 times per day in order to avoid getting fat. :)

That's just me though. We all have our addictions I guess.

I won't let this wreck the pleasure I get from visiting Melbourne though. There is so much to love about Melbourne but I am glad I don't actually live there all the same.

Fix You

The band played this song in Church on Sunday evening.

Its a song by Coldplay One of the better mega bands of the moment :)

So anyway, these words kind of stayed with me these last few days. I find them very powerful and beautiful on a number of levels. This could be a spiritual song or a love song or anywhere in between. The power in a good lyric is its ability to move the soul and that's what this song did for me - it moved me, rather profoundly.

Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I have learned from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Snatching moments now.

I am "officially" full-time as of this past week.

Our business is a small take-away food shop. It's been a quiet year this year what with rising fuel costs and the above average temperatures over the winter months. Our busiest time of the year is from about mid April through to mid October, however, it's been quite tough to make ends meet this year for many reasons.

So we've tightened the belt meaning that I'm essentially the "cheapest" labour available right now :)

It's been a big week. It hasn't dragged by though - it's literally flown by at full tilt. I'm wondering how I'm going to fit everything I love to do and HAVE to do here at home into my "new" lifestyle. I said to a friend this morning that I have felt something like the Energiser Bunny, particularly yesterday - have had to really just to get everything done.

The kids are technically old enough to help out but they're not that keen on that idea which is perfectly normal, I guess, for 14 and 12 year olds ;) They'll soon learn if they want to get fed in the evenings they'd best help Mum out a bit.

Time to write is my big priority now. Leisurely zone-outs here on the computer focussed on a story or working on this blog are going to be very precious - so I'm making the most of these moments as they arise.

Time to go put the groceries away now though... will be back when I'm rested up and rearing to go again :)

See ya! :)

You bet!

Australia is famous for many things.

There's the Sydney Harbour Bridge and The Sydney Opera House

Ayers Rock (which we now call Uluru)

Paul Hogan (of Crocodile Dundee fame)

The Kangaroo and The Koala

and then there's....

The Melbourne Cup.

The one horse race that really DOES "stop" a nation in its tracks! Literally!

I confess that the first Tuesday in November - which is the day when the Melbourne Cup is always run - holds a certain allure for me. Twice before in my adult life, I've put on an "official" bet on a horse for the race but on the whole its the thrill of the event itself that wins my heart.

I'm glad I didn't put any real money on the horse I picked this year though! It ran 9th! hahaha

I only spotted the name from the list in the paper this morning and because it was named after one of my all time heroes of the Modern World - Nelson Mandela - I thought it was a good choice! I still do :)

The race itself isn't a big deal to really dedicated horse-racing afficionado's - there are apparently "better" races with "better" horses on "better" odds etc. But then again... there are no horse races here that I know of with quite with the same romantic appeal OR the prize money as is splashed about for the Melbourne Cup.

The race has been sponsored in recent years by overseas commercial interests. For years it was an iconic Australian brewery that sponsored the race which in many ways was typical of our laconic, anti-politically correct, beer drinking character. But we, as a nation are "growing up" and are being more universal and perhaps less parochial in these matters.

Todays race is yet another "historical" race with the 1st and 2nd placings run by first time Japanese horses and jockeys!

It seems The Cup is beginning to now finally reflect the diversity of culture and race that makes up Australia as a nation!

That can only be a good thing. :)

Construct of a dream No 2

For most of my life I've had regular vivid dreams about constructed objects - mainly houses and buildings.

I wrote about a very cool building I "saw" in one of these dreams some time ago. I would dearly love to have this particular dream recur but it has so far eluded me :( It was such a powerful experience though that I don't think I shall ever forget it despite it being just the once. I can still "see" in my minds eye the details, colours and textures of that building.

I have probably another three or four "house dreams" that have remained with me over time. The details may be a little more muted in some but nevertheless it seems that my houses take on a life and identity of their own and remain with me long after the dream is over.

I can't MAKE myself dream about houses. I've tried! They come to me when I least expect them to and are an intense experience when they do appear.

I thought perhaps I should describe another one of the buildings of my dreams. I can "see" it in my head as I type but its not as clear as when I dreamt it the first time of course. I shall do my best to provide what details I can remember.

The Carved Mahogany House (in Asia?):

The setting was a warm, humid, maybe a tropical place. I remember it complete with smells and colours - very vivid and bright colours. It reminded me of the places I saw in India near the border of Andra Pradesh and Tamil Nadu just below the Deccan Plateau.

The street was a "typical" Indian road of bitumen and ashphelt with non-descript and crumbling edges beside non-existent footpaths. There were verdant green palm trees surrounding the building.

The house itself was quite large and boxy, styled a little bit like a low slung homestead you might find in the Australian Outback. It did not have the typical corrugated iron roofed verandah though. There were no bull-nosed iron verandahs here. Instead, the roof was made of the same deep rich red-brown wood as the rest of the house. The house seemed to be entirly carved from mahogany and was highly polished. It was as if the house was as much carved furniture as what might have been found inside.

The pitch of the roof was quite low, the angles flattened out somewhat and sweeping away from the crown to the sides making for very slightly fluted eaves which were not obviously so until you looked closely. This gave the building a kind of fixed but ephemeral quality - almost as if it were a spiritual place.

It seemed very asian in feel, style and character and yet its familiarity was for me very much like the "typical" aussie weatherboard homes I have been surrounded by for most of my life.

On the facia across the front of the roofline was a detailed frieze in relief. It was deeply and expertly carved into the wood and was both intricate and extraordinarily fluid in style and pattern. Nothing in this frieze seemed to have sharp edges on it; the carving was all rounded and perfectly smooth as if carved in marble instead of timber.

The front of the house was wide and low. Right in the centre, there was a low door with a very deep, wide lintel above it. Either side of this door, equi-distant, were two perfectly retangular windows. I don't remember if there were screens or panes in these.

The front verandah had five steps leading up under the low pitched roof-line to the front door. The mahogany here was also beautifully and cleverly carved in relief. I don't recall if I could actually see any wood-grain but I instinctively knew this house was made of exceptionally beautiful timber. In fact, the entire house seemed to be carved from a single piece of timber. It was as if it were one giant sculpture.

I never went inside this house, I only ever viewed it from the street but I remember pacing up and down in front of it totally mesmerised by the quality of the wood, the colour and the carvings on it. The traditional shape of the actual house - that boxy, squared off style of architechture, was solid and comforting but the all over intricate carving made it very unique and rather extraordinary.

I don't recall a lot of the details in the carvings on this house unfortunately. It was a sensory overload of detail really. I do remember some small things like traditional Indian artwork such as smiling, scantily clad women in various erotic poses; and I recall seeing the elephant motif - especially on the facia on the front of the house. The elephant was very smooth and highly polished. I recall being amazed that the walls were carved too - that EVERYTHING on this house was intricately carved in endless detail. Leaves, flowers, people, faces, animals - it was all there - I just can't remember it all clearly anymore. :(

I rememeber curves a lot, though! Despite the house being shaped like a low-slung box - everything else about it was sensuously curved and rounded. The high gloss thing on this house was somewhat odd and anachronistic really - it constantly surprised me anyway.

This house mesmerised me but also confused me. It was beautiful beyond belief but seemed out of time and place despite its definitive asian overtones.

As I write this today I'm struck by the possibility that these houses I dream about may actually be representative of parts of me. That may sound strange but I feel like I'm really seeing myself when I dream about my houses - that they are aspects of my character and personality buried deep within me somehow. It might also sound a bit boastful to say that though because I'm always amazed at the complexity and incredible beauty in the houses I dream. *blush*

My house dreams are usually very comforting and inspirational, and generally awe inspiring. They tend to occur before significant lifestyle changes and/or personal mindhops that I make in my awake life.

The house dreams that stay with me are like intimate friends now. The intensity of each first meeting may have dimmed with time but they still stick around long after to bring me joy and comfort.

I like dreaming about houses :)

in, at, im and other moments in time

Martin has this wonderful german accent right? (he says he does NOT have an accent at all! - we agree to disagree on this ;))

What I love best about his inflection though is this line he says...often.

"In the moment..."

I think its from the German "im moment" but don't quote me on that.

I say "At the moment" and now, when I look at these two statements side by side, his way of saying it makes much more sense.

What we do, say, think or feel is very often IN the moment its expressed. To me, the wee word "at" kind of implies the moment is yet to come as in "about to occur".

Some people are quite gifted at thinking things through carefully and choosing their words with cautious intent. I'm not one of them! I do take time over things like story and blog writing but on the whole not much else I do, say, think or feel is ever really "about to occur"!

I tend to say, do and think things and then verbally (or textually) express them pretty much that instant IN the moment of their conception. It's a risky habit and I do need to learn to put some space and distance between my thoughts and their external expression sometimes. I guess the plus side to this is that I am, if nothing else, a very natural person :) If you can overlook the chronic Foot-in-mouth disease!

To me the saying "in the moment" seems more honest in many ways than saying "at the moment". It's such a subtle thing though and I suppose it's not a really big deal as such but it just struck me that it could make a difference in my own understanding of how I think and then act in the moment.

Triston's flash of Genius

em gets upgraded by Triston in this very sweet and tender post on Mind Unbound

We've tried to explain to him that there's no word in English for "unmarried life partner of my father." I am definitely family, but I don't have a category.

em's right! There ARE no cool words for the modern day complexities of relationship.

There are some legalese words which sound about as tender and loving as rubber floor mats in cars. Words like "de facto" and "common law wife/husband" have about as much appeal as cold porridge or wet blankets.

I guess you could call em, Steve's "concubine" (yes the definition of this being "A woman who cohabits with a man without being married to him" - Macquarie Dictionary Australia - go look it up!)... but this word has other subtle connotations I'm sure would make em choke on her Coconuff Fudge and I really like her far too much to have her die from such a thing! ;)

Triston is on to something!

Modern day love needs new definitive terms that describe the differences succinctly but also tenderly. Marriage, un-marriage, de-facto, gay and lesbian unions, polyamory unions and committed friendships are a whole new ballgame for many people needing new paradigms and agreements on how to tenderly name the relationships that grow from these complex arrangements.

The thing Triston has done though is to bring a powerful sense of family to em's role in his life. She is "my Michelle". This simple, definitive and somewhat possessive term of endearment puts em at a central and integral place in his life. It describes why he loves her and how important she is to him.

Love spawns complexity. It grows roots and branches among people in strange and often confusing ways. The boundaries to the traditional understandings of mere "Marriage" and "Union" has and is becoming more and more blurred.

The most important thing though, is that whatever new words we find to describe particular relationships - that we also acknowledge and recognise that those relationships are about LOVE before anything else.

the surgeon's blade

have you ever found yourself confessing your deepest truths to someone? Have you ever been so honest with yourself in the process that what was hidden in your heart suddenly seemed to crystallise into your awareness as if you were looking into a mirror for the first time?

Some people have a gift for carefully slicing open the soul and exposing what lies within. Some of these gifted types will either do the slicing out of mean and spiteful hatred or they will do it with great love and gentle kindliness.

So if you need to be honest and make confession, try to find those who can do the slicing open of your soul with the blades of love and kindness. These people are the true geniuses of the world because they demonstrate the mercy of God as much as they require the brutal truth.

Some would call them "Jesus with skin on" :)

eben

Eye of God?

I received this chain email today. (a heads up for those who don't yet know - I HATE and despise email chain letters! Please don't send me this kind of crap. The commentary on this one is a rare event only because it for once inspired a blog entry ;)).

So anyway... when I saw this picture my instinctive Crapola Meter swung into hyper-alert with all dials whizzing into the Red Alert zone almost instantly! ;)

Which of course... made me do what I always do when I receive a "new" chain email that may not have any basis in fact... I head over to BreakTheChain.org to get the background on it.

Well the photo is indeed "real" but only in so far as yes... that Nebula is out there in the galaxy and yes... we CAN sort of see that it looks like an "eye" from our perspective. But... NASA have no records of calling it "The Eye of God" and the picture IS actually a construct of many parts anyway so it's a representation of what it might look like not what it actually is. What we see and what it actually is could be two entirely different things.

So it is with God. What WE assume and think we know about Him is quite different to what and who He actually is. We assume too much of the wrong stuff and too little of the right stuff. Humanity is clouded by its own desire to be god to be able to see God clearly.

Anyway... why do we need to see the Eye of God anyway? What is it about us that requires us to have this kind of information? Why do we even need to be so assured that God is watching us in such a concrete and physically identifiable way as suggested by the above image?

Faith is by its very nature a subterranean thing deep inside the psyche/heart/soul/being. Faith by itself can never be proven either way, true or false. The test of Faith is that there is hope beyond reasonable assumption and evidential experience that that hope is being made reality in the here and now.

Faith requires that we experience God for ourselves, not through objective means - although reasonable intelligence demands a fair bit of objective truth in order to move across the threshold into the stuff beyond objectivity - but that we feel and know the reality of God expressing Himself within us.

That's where Faith becomes a life-changing thing and not a mere superstition. Real Faith doesn't NEED to see physical evidence of God because the evidence of God is already made real though personal experience of Him.

And real experience of God is very deeply personal indeed! It's an incredible journey of discovery and relationship based not on traditional external expressions of faith - unfortunately expected by far too many - but on inter-personal dialogue and simply KNOWING Him as a real person.

Thing is... that experience of God is less than likely to come via external means. No pictures of "god" in the sky will ever MAKE someone believe in God - you have to already believe in God to "see" Him in these pictures! You construct God from out of the physical world through your own Eye of Faith which is highly personal and subjective and either true or false - who knows? Not for me to judge really!

God is Relationship - the most intimate kind.

You can find God in this picture though. Not His eye or a picture of Him - but you do see his handiwork in the amazing wonder and simple complexities of the universe and for me, my Faith says that makes Him real enough :)

Questions part 2

I seem to be coming back to this theme regularly of late.

The art of asking the tough questions!

When I need to dig deep within and ask myself tough things, I listen for my gut to give me the answer I seek. Most of the time that works for me.

I've even tried that trick called "Muscle Testing" that Martin spoke about awhile back. I did find however that I tend to cheat at that. I'm not sure yet whether I totally believe in muscle testing but truth be told, it's probably more than likely that I just don't like the 'answers' I get when I do it! *bemused smile*.

I have learned throughout this process of discovery that there are many different ways to ask the same question though. All those different ways of asking the same thing will, invariably, give me entirely different answers! So confusing and frustrating that! It also makes it extremely easy to cheat and ensure I get the answer I really want to hear rather than the one I really need to hear.

So guts, mucle, heart and magic all require a certain linking ingredient. What that ingredient is, I'm not entirely sure yet. Perhaps its Discretion! I don't know!

So? I've established that I trust my gut best to answer the really big and deep questions in my life. I've also established that I am not particularly courageous asking these questions in the first place and now I've learned that the way I word these questions can change the answer and consequently the outcome too!

It seems the road to being honest with oneself is a rocky one.

Simplicity rules

You know! It really IS the most mundane and taken-for-granted stuff in our lives that has the most extraordinary revolution of idea and innovation behind it.

Take for example the humble snap-lock sandwich bag! A very utilitarian article found in most western kitchens. Have you ever really LOOKED at the nifty little sealing function on that simple plastic bag?

I mean the sheer genius behind that concept blows my mind! Who thought of that?

That basic, simple but revolutionary idea has taken the plastic bag to new heights of usefulness and practicality! :)

We take these things so much for granted. We fail to acknowledge that there are amazing minds hidden away thinking and dreaming of new ways to build on old technologies; making the magical, a mundane utility, and the mysterious "Thing", simple to understand.

The ability to create simplicity from complexity is a rare and valuable skill. If you see that ability in someone then don't take it for granted. Tap into their gift and be prepared to learn an amazing amount of stuff in a very short time! :)

So, to all the designers, the artists, the inventors, thinkers, idealists; to the men and women who create the future and make life easier than yesterday...

........I dips m' lid to yer and thankyou from the bottom of my snap-lock bag! :)

What really IS a Soul Mate?

I've been wrestling with this concept for some time now, trying to figure out just what that whole idea actually means.

The Soul Mate idea is entrenched in New Age philosophy and beyond. Even people from traditional christian backgrounds accept some kind of possibility that there is a person that is our complete and ideal "match" out there.

I think... and I have to qualify this by saying I'm not really sure yet... but a Soul Mate doesn't have to be someone you marry or are romantically involved with, although that seems to be the goal of most people - to meet and marry their Soul Mate.

I don't think of my husband as my Soul Mate though. We love each other very much. We're good friends and we have a lot of things in common (16 + years of marriage to each other notwithstanding ;)), but as far as that connection thing between hearts/minds/emotion/souls... *shakes head* Nah! We are more your pragmatically married types I guess! ;)

I might go so far as to say that I'm not even sure the whole Soul Mate thing even exists if it's all just about the whole perfect match thing! Ugh! The idea that there is just one other soul in the world right now who is your perfect other half? Pretty limiting in my book! And not really that much fun when you think about it.

I mean you'd have to believe in Fate and Destiny and all manner of other pre-determinate philosophies in order to accept that you'd find "The One" in your lifetime! Being single could take on a whole new perspective if that were the case and airlines would be FULL all the time with single people scouring the world looking for "The One", their perfect match, their Soul Mate!

Ouch! How sad and sorry are we if we put all our energies into that kind of search, when there are lovely people (like my husband) living practically right next door and with whom we can spend many happy years enjoying the company thereof. :)

But if perchance that a Soul mate is someone with whom you can share your mind and your heart on a level beyond romance and sex and all that - a meeting of hearts so intimately tuned into each other and connected? Then hmmm? Perhaps, I could go with that idea. :) So a Soul Mate could be your best friend, your sister, your brother, your Mum even! And yes! Even your husband or your wife. :)

And if this is the case, then perhaps we have more than one Soul Mate surrounding us! Perhaps it is such that we are actually surrounded by Soul Mates; people with whom we can easily connect on a deeply intimate and loving level whether we are also romantically involved with them or not!

So maybe a Soul Mate is really someone who fills your life with love and laughter, joy and wisdom, dignity and respect, incredible delight and incredible intimacy of thought and emotion - then that person is just as much your "match" in life as anyone else you love deeply.

Now that is COOL! :)

For me though... the jury is still "out" on this concept and I'll no doubt spend many more hours wondering about this theme. It fascinates me.

alien wisdom

“To resist the influence of others, knowledge of oneself is most important”

Teal'c – Stargate:SG1 episode “Stronghold”


Absol-blimmin'-lutely! :)

trust and sacrifice

I've been asked by the universe to kill my Isaac!

Now... before you go calling Interpol ;) Let me s'plain!

Okay... religious education lesson first!

In the bible the story of Abraham and Isaac tells how God asked Abraham to go to a distant mountain and sacrifice his one and only child, Isaac.

Now Abraham was an old, old man. He had been promised the world - quite literally - by God, that his decendants would be as numerous as the grains of sand on a beach. He and his wife Sarah - who was biologically beyond child-bearing age - eventually did give birth! Quite the miracle huh?

So you can imagine that Abraham was pretty much dotty about his wee boy. Loved him like nothing else in the world mattered. Here in this child lay the potential of that extraordinary future he'd been promised.

And now?

Here was the same God telling - demanding - that he kill his beloved son in an act of worship. To sacrifice his one and only son just as all the other religions in the region occasionally required as a part of their worship rituals.

And Abraham did as he was told. He trusted God implicitly to do the right thing by him no matter the circumstances or the immediate consequences. He knew that matching God's wisdom is much like an ant trying to understand human wisdom! Unfathomable and mysterious in the extreme (from the ants perspective that is ;)).

In the story - Abraham was about to slaughter Isaac (can anyone imagine that kind of heartbreak?)... when God intervened to save the child and provide another alternative for the sacrificial rite of worship instead. Who knows what might have happened though if Abraham did not trust God so well! The whole of history would have been quite different I think.

Okay! So what does this have to do with little old me in the 21st Century?

I don't have a child by the name of Isaac and nor would I dare consider actually killing anyone, let alone one of my children! I would not believe in a god that asked me to do such a thing (which makes Abraham all the more remarkable to me really).

The "Isaac" I do refer to though is my deepest held desire/fantasy/thing/person/wish/assumption that I cling to with all my heart, soul and mind.

My "Isaac" is the one thing - the one deepest held belief and desire I have - that I will not give up.... and yet...I'm being asked by God (and the cosmos if you will) to do just that.

It is not an easy thing.

And so now, I am to travel in my heart to that secret "mountain" to commune directly with my God, sacrifice my particular "Isaac" and TRUST Him to know what He has planned in all this.

He will either make me follow through and actually kill this beloved thing off inside me OR he will intervene at the last minute and provide an alternative out. There are a million other possibilities besides I cannot even begin to imagine!

I have always trusted in my God. I have always believed that He has my best interests at heart. But this is a tough call! He's asking me to do something so extraordinarily hard - I don't know if I want to go there.

Can I trust Him enough to know that everything will work out fine even if I have to kill off any hope of attaining that one thing I wanted so much?

Priceless is the hugging heart of One Man

I was sent a link to this cool clip today.

I confess I knew nothing about the Free Hugs Campaign despite it being in my own country (one of the few drawbacks of not listening to regular news and current affairs shows... you can miss the soundbytes on the really genuinely cool stuff :))

Apparently 'Juan Mann' (pronounced One Man) has had some controversy over his Free Hugs Campaign. He was ordered to stop hugging strangers in the street and buy Public Liability Insurance!

*sigh*

People get touchy about touch!

It's such an intimate thing to physically touch another... and the hug is probably the ultimate form of touch you can do without sex necessarily being involved.

But as this brilliant article says...

There's something uplifting about this story. Along with the video, you get the "warm and fuzzies" and find yourself cheering this guy who reminds us of the simpler pleasures; of the sweetness that life and letting others fill it can bring.

and...

We live in a world where violence and violent acts are becoming normalised. The producers of the new James Bond film see fit to cut the superspy smoking a cigar but not images of him killing people with a smoking gun. We are shocked and appalled at sexual imagery and intimacy (Margaret Whitlam's comments about Janette and John Howard holding hands, for example), but take death, pain and the destruction of human life in our stride.

Yes! We do tend to tolerate violence and the art of cruelty and yet we crave the power of loving touch whilst at the same time frowning upon any public display of it.

We're desperately confused about this. We have over-simplified touch in the violent forms of its expression and yet over-complicated touch in its loving and peaceful expressions.

Juan Mann could change the world and clear up the confusion perhaps, with a hug. There is a gentle and wonderful hope in that. So... for once there IS a Good News story to celebrate and embrace - literally! :)

I'd like to be Juan Mann too :)

Thanks to GBC for showing me the link to that clip (and some of the articles too :))

(HUG) :)

She died the other day

Michelle has died.

Nearly two years ago, this young woman who has lived all her life in this community had a small lesion on her lip that would not heal.

A biopsy was performed and she was diagnosed with malignant melanoma.

She was only 35 years old (or thereabouts).

In February of 2005 she had that lesion removed and I wrote about it in my old blog.

Things looked up for awhile and all seemed like it would be okay.

But it wasn't.

Michelle discovered another lump under her tongue. This time it was so inconceivable that such a beautiful woman should have to suffer this fate! She had most of her tongue cut out and part of her jaw and throat over time as well. They did everything possible to get her well. She has two young children afterall.

Sadly, nothing much else could be done.

She suffered in silence, the grief evident in her face as her life ebbed away each day. The family went quiet and cloistered themselves as best as they were able in a small community.

She was so extraordinary! So beautiful, so gentle and wise. She loved to live and live well. She was devoted to her husband and her children. She loved hot rods and fast cars, motorbikes and makeup! She was a woman of faith and courage. She had more skills than you could poke an oil soaked dip-stick at! She could even teach boys how to maintain a motor-bike all while looking like she belonged on the cover of Vogue!

Michelle was probably the most inspirational and amazing acquaintance you could ever have the pleasure of knowing. Sadly, we never became closer than that - although I longed for it. I admired her so much.

And now she is at peace and resting with God. I'm grateful for that - there is no more suffering or pain for this girl anymore.

I just hope her husband and her children will be able to remember their beautiful Michelle with joy, instead of sadness, because that was her greatest gift - Joy. She seemed to inspire the air to create it whenever she was there.

CU girl! I loved you from afar - make no mistake! I thought you to be one of the most beautiful women that ever lived, inside and out.

God speed.

How well do you know the back of your hand?

This is a throw away line we use often here.

"I know these streets like the back of my hand"

"I know him as well as I know the back of my hand"

I don't make a habit of studying the back of my hand. I kind of "know" it but don't really study it that closely on a regular basis. If you asked me how many spots and freckles on had on there I couldn't tell you. :)

My point is... can we ever really know something or someone as well as we claim to?

My feeling is that once we "think" we know something - or someone - what or who that something/someone is, tends to become "invisible" and we forget to study it or keep on "knowing" it [or them] with any depth or further interest.

You see - we humans tend assimilate just enough information to get our own desires met and once we've done that, we can become somewhat absent-minded about any further need to keep on learning and knowing because we believe in our core we don't need to - we think we already "know"!

People grow and change...endlessly. Things we once assumed were just so become either more so or less so... often. What we once believed can no longer be believed... more often than we think. What we once thought was true is sometimes proved otherwise... or not - which can surprise us too.

Life is a never ending journey of discovery and process. Once we make the assumption that we "know" something in its entirety, we are doomed to be forever wrong in that assumption.

And that is part of the fun of life and living!

To be proved wrong occasionally, is much, much more worth it than being proved right time and again! Being proved wrong forces us to re-evaluate and re-invigorate our processes of discovery. It makes us less sure of ourselves and thus less inclined toward arrogance and pride.

Being proved right can simply make us all the more certain we indeed know the back of our hand! :)

Is being online really virtual anymore?

"As human beings become increasingly intertwined with the technology and with each other via the technology, old distinctions about what is specifically human and specifically technological become more complex. Are we living life on the screen or in the screen? Our new technologically enmeshed relationships oblige us to ask to what extent we ourselves have become cyborgs, transgressive mixtures of biology, technology, and code. The traditional distance between people and machines has become harder to maintain....The computer is an evocative object that causes old boundaries to be renegotiated."

Sherry Turkle

I have never met my best friend but I know him pretty well all the same. He lives overseas.

I have never met my other best friend but I know her really well too. She lives on the other side of the country.

I catch up with these two people more than I do my best friend who lives a few kilometres from my home!

What's going on here?

Two are my online friends and one is my RL (Real Life) friend.

I talk to my online friends more often than I do my RL friend. This has to be a significant shift in the way I manage my relationships with people isn't it?

Yes! According to Sherry Turkle, Abbey Rockefeller Mauzé Professor of Social Studies of Science and Technology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

She suggests that we are now "tethered" to technology in such a way that we are shaping new connections and relationships via that very technology. These relationships are as real as any other relationship we might have despite there never being any actual physical presence.

She does express some concerns about this new trend. The relationships we engender through the use of communication devices is highly structured and more instantaneous now. Professor Turkle says that this trend is potentially making us less able to fully explore and experience our own emotional selves with the ability to think through our feelings, thoughts and actions. She says we may be losing the ability for self-reflection because of our interface with these technologies.

Self-reflection depends on having an emotion, experiencing it, taking ones time to think it through and understand it, but only sometimes electing to share it.

Sherry Turkle in "I'll have to ask my friends" New Scientist 16 September 2006 Page 49

Our world is often described as becoming more complex. I am not sure I believe this anymore.

I think we are actually almost over-simplifying our lives through the use of amazing technologies that bring the world to our laps. We use emoticons and SMS to convey "states" of being to others now whereas in years past we may have taken more time - and possibly much more discretion - in how we said what we wanted to say to those close to us. These days we use more text to talk to people which forces us to be concise and perhaps, more forthright in the way we say things to people.

The actual relationship we have to our machines is probably in direct proportion to the relationships they provide us in terms of people. We have simplified the process of meeting, greeting and getting to know new people and staying in touch with loved ones. The more we rely on and need the people we are tethered to through our devices, the more likely it is that our devices will become real extentions of ourselves.

I know for myself, I have become fanatically attached to this computer and the internet connection it provides for this reason. Without this computer or that connection, I am bereft of those I call online friends. These are real people though, whom I talk with here and without whom, life would be a whole lot less interesting and wonderful! Without this computer and the software which makes it possible for me to communicate with them, it would feel like I could not be close to them anymore.

I AM part technologically enmeshed as well as biological in my makeup! Does this make me a "cyborg" or a "robot"? I think perhaps it might! I can no longer imagine life without the people I have met online as much I cannot imagine life without my RL friends!

And it is these little windows of computer, mobile phone, Skype, and VoIP that make me the cyborg I now am :)

It's not that I don't have time or want to be with my RL friends, it's just that I seem to be closer to my computer terminal more often these days and by virtue of proximity, it makes it easier to communicate with friends over VoIP and chat than getting together for "coffee" up the street. Organising "get-togethers" with RL friends involves more complexity than just seeing someone sign into a chat window and instantly communicating there and then; that is sheer simplicity really - instant and wonderful access to dear friends whenever that window is open and available!

Therein lies the difference in my friendships now. The constancy of communication is because its so much more accessible and immediate than it is in my 3D world. It's also much more flexible. A chat window can stay open for hours and the communication can linger over time while we do our "own thing" at each end without having to stop. It's high end multi-tasking really, working, living, cleaning house while still "talking" with a good friend!

I'm not so sure it's as bad as Professor Turkle suggests just yet, but I don't find these relationships any LESS wonderful or satisfactory because of this difference in communication style.

Thing is, these friendships online are as real to me as any other relationship. There is a sympatico empathy here that is as strong and as resilient as the relationship I share with my best friend down the road. I don't consider my online friends "virtual" friends at all! They are Friends! Pure and Simple! This IS my community as much as this place where I live.

If that makes me a partial "robot" tethered to my technologies then so be it. I would rather be a biological robot with a number of "Best" friends - online and RL - than a mere biological mess of muscle without either :)

Questions

I have a riddle to solve.

How does one not ask the questions one doesn't actually want answers to?

Also...

How does one actually listen for and accept those answers?

I am not always very good at asking tough questions of myself about what I really want.

I live inside my fantasies and I love doing that. My fantasies are my preferred "truth". They are not real, achievable or honest but they soothe and lull me into a false sense of security.

When I believe what my fantasies tell me about reality and don't test them accurately, I live inside a bubble of determined falsity; a constructed dream of polished plot and fairytale. Everything has a happy ending in my fantasies. It's a lovely chimera of the mind and the heart.

My fantasies are generally what I believe and want in my future. I don't actually always like what I have right now so I don't ask myself the tough questions about what I want right now - too much potential for confronting and disappointing answers. I'm never disappointed in my fantasies. I can believe anything is possible.

So reality is hard for me to deal with sometimes. Asking about what I want NOW in this time and place is asking my heart to answer so acutely honestly, it is like preparing to endure a bad run of paper cuts.

So I don't ask the questions I need answers to but don't want to hear.

I so need to change this in me.

I need to become less dishonest with myself. I also need courage to accept what my heart tells me is true for me right now to those questions I really don't want to ask.

First I need to ask those questions!

So scary!

Mental postcards

I had a strange dream the other day and the resulting effects of it have left me a little confused but very intrigued.

I dreamt of a huge cumulus cloud growing over my head. It was the only cloud in the sky - which was a deep azure blue.

The cloud rose quickly like a thunder head but didn't have the classic anvil top on it like those big clouds usually do. This was more like a column that rose straight up into the sky.

That was it! It lasted for about 10 seconds max and I woke up properly (I actually "knew" I was dreaming when I saw that cloud, a somewhat bizarre experience really but quite interesting).

During my shower that morning I was thinking about the cloud dream thing, wondering as I usually do what it all "meant".

I could still "see" it in my mind. Like a picture postcard you stick on your fridge.

So I "looked" at the cloud and sort of walked toward it in my head (its a kind of daydreaming thing now) ... well it grew arms as if to embrace me and then suddenly... and I mean suddenly.... it was a tiny little beige-grey mouse sitting in the palm of my hand eating crushed peanuts.

This is VERY strange and completely unexpected of course. So NOW I have this "postcard" of this MOUSE stuck inside my head and it keeps morphing and growing like a pictorial story.

I can "see" the mouse nibbling on the nuts with its little teeth and its whiskers twitch as it gobbles up its food. It is looking straight at me with beady, twinkly curious black eyes without judgement or endearment.

I hate mice as a rule. I refuse to have anything to do with mice or mouse-traps! My husband said when we got married he would NOT be touching the iron and I said I would NOT be touching the mouse-traps! We have lived content with this contract for nearly 17 years :)

The irony is though that my FAVOURITE thing as a child was a soft toy mouse made by my mother in her teens. "Mousey" was my best friend and I literally carried him everywhere in the palm of my hand for quite a number of years. He is all of about four inches tall and looks nothing like a real mouse but is still a "mouse" of sorts. I still have him in my bedside drawer! *grin* He will be approaching 50+ years old soon I think.

And then a new thought suddenly appeared in my mind today out of the blue. I was chatting to a friend when the line "Many Mighty Mice are Making Magical Music in the Moonlight" popped into my head. It's a line from a story I read often as a kid - I can't even remember which book it's from but that line has stayed with me all these years.

So there you go. Mitch is officially stark raving mad huh?

Clouds become mice in this twisted inner world I live in.

I think there is more to come to this story perhaps. The mouse hasn't finished telling his tale (pun intended) yet :) What comes next will probably have me certified anyway!

Dreams have a funny way of doing things to us in our real life. The inner world and the world of reality collide in strange and unique ways when we take the time to revisit those dreams we remember from our slumbers and study them as you would those postcards on the fridge, all while lucid and awake.

It's about inspiration and feeling not knowledge so much. A kind of Dreamtime of ones own really. A way of reconnecting the inner world within and coherently combining it with the self we present in our every day awake world.

I know! It all sounds a little whacko really! But it IS fun to explore ones imagination like this and see where the journey takes you.

Remember that cult activity of a few years ago when garden gnomes were stolen/borrowed from gardens and the owner of said gnome would get postcards from it in the mail as it travelled the "world"?

Well, that's a little bit like what I'm trying to describe here. You borrow the image you remember from your dreams and you let your imagination take it on a 'trip' inside your head and allow yourself to SEE the journey unfold. Free Associating but with mental pictures instead of words I guess.

It's totally irrational and probably DOES mean I'm completely mad but its fun and interesting and creative at the same time.

I guess it also helps if you are highly visual in your thinking processes too. Aurally dominant thinkers would probably find this a hard thing to do perhaps: so maybe they would have to do this kind of thing with sounds and language rather than imagery. I am a very dominant visual thinker (something I've only noticed recently actually), I sense and mentally process thought through imagery more often than most other ways. I guess that's why I find this stuff so interesting and fun to do.

Of course the ONE thing I find terribly frustrating is that my natural wont is to try to make MEANING from these images! To make them make sense in some sort of logical and cohesive way. I can't make a cloud becoming a mouse make any sense at all! Total and irrevocably nonsensical that huh? But I DO have a feeling deep inside that that cloud and that mouse have something to do with me as a person and I am currently exploring that inspiration with new-found curiosity. :)

Soooo... unless I'm incarcerated in the nearest institution by my family for cerebral imbalance... I just might keep you aprised!

;)

new carpet

We "moved" my elderly Mother-in-law out of her unit over the weekend to make way for all new floor coverings.

It was hard work but the final result has been worth the effort. Moving her back in feels like a kind of re-energising.

She still has far too much "stuff"! I guess its a by-product of growing up during the years of rationing that makes this particular generation so loathe to part with their accumulated paraphenalia. Literally everything is considered "useful" whether it is or it really isn't!

I intend to not be so inclined to hoard stuff as I grow older. I want to grow old free of such incumberances as odd crockery and un-usuable lead crystal wine glasses! I want to be able to leave this planet knowing that what I did leave behind was well loved and used often. :) It remains to be seen if I can hold to this promise though - we do tend to get attached to some strange things - us humans! ;)

So I guess I need to go through my belongings here again in my own home. We need new carpet soon too and it will be our turn to move out of this room for a day to re-energise it.

It also means that I had better seriously think about whether I do need to keep that Beau Geste Trilogy on the book shelf and which I read 15 years ago and haven't been able to part with since! *blush* hahaha!

Will the river die?

This is a pic I took the other day on my usual walking route along our river.

The Wimmera River is slowly drying up. We are in the grip of a decade long drought with this current year being the worst so far.

Towns around these parts are now on the severest water restrictions imaginable, many having to resort to trucking water in for domestic use.

That sand bar you see in the middle of the river is normally under a few metres of water. It will now take rainfall far exceeding our yearly average to "disappear" again.

Thankfully, the pelicans are still present so I guess we'll know that the river has truly "died" when they move on to better feeding grounds.

The losses to our local economy in terms of tourism, farming, business and social interactions are too big to enumerate here really. There are some hurting people in our community and all because it just won't RAIN... properly and in season!

My local church is having a "Prayer for Rain" ecumenical service this coming Wednesday. A lead in will include a community free BBQ to which all people are invited whether they attend the service later or not.

It's a "nice" gesture though a little whimsical perhaps. Whilst there will be opportunity for our church to market itself as "caring" for our community (as we must) through this small gesture... it won't really change the fact that we cannot make it rain by ourselves - prayer or no prayer!

The world is getting hotter they say! If so, then we are responsible for this weather and it will not likely be reversible. We will have to learn to adapt to a new way of living in a increasingly desertified region of Australia. It was ALWAYS dry here but not as dry as it has been these past 10 years. The many hundreds of lakes, the rivers, the huge channel system established early last century always contained water in them in the driest of years until these last few. Now they are merely dry basins of constantly moving dust and salt.

There have been some better years than others in this decade for rainfall but on the whole, this region where I live, is slowly becoming a wasteland whereas once it was one of the most fertile and diversely functioning food bowls in this large country of ours.

Who knows if this is a permanent thing really! I have some scepticism regarding the climate change mantra - the earth is a closed system of such complexity and marvellous intricacy, its hard to imagine it could not "right" these anomalies if given the chance to do so. It may be that in a few short years we will be complaining its too wet! It seems a mere wish to say that right now though. Now it seems that The Wimmera will be forever parched and forsaken and all of us will need to make a quantum shift in the way we use and think about all our resources here.

Thing is... with people now so numerous upon the earth and demanding to be fed... can we make the agricultural & business methods of the past that once fed the few, work in the future to feed the plenty? And all while the earth seems to be crying out for respite from these same practises? Aussie farmers are renowned for their innovation and efficiency. But - have these strengths become our "weakness" in that these same talents have wounded our corner of the world in such a way that we now suffer?

We can't "Save the World"! We can only husband it and we've done that poorly over this past two hundred years or so. In our arrogance we "thought" we were being good stewards but all we were doing was abusing what was not ours to abuse. How can we ever know the difference without time and history?

Can we blame "ignorance"? Yes! and No! We may enter into our activities blindly without foreknowledge but once we get caught up into our way of doing... we often fail to notice whether that very doing is actually causing harm. We are not perfect stewards but we have not been "Good Enough" either!

We're not good at change I guess, especially when we are told we have to. Even less when there is profit to be had!

I hope to see "my" river flowing again someday. That will be a sight to behold. Both my children have only ever really known "dry" - they've never seen it sopping wet around here like I have (I grew up enduring some of the wettest years on record ;)).

Who knows really what will happen. God willing (and it really is HIS solution we need now), this dry will turn around and bring with it the rainbow of promise we are all looking for.

essential calm

It has been peaceful here this afternoon.

One child has been quitely doing his thing on the computer and the other one is out visiting a friend.

I slept on the couch for over an hour! *blush* I'm half way through account keeping paperwork and I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer! :)

It's a sign of "old" age I guess that I occasionally need to have an afternoon nap although when I think back over the years - even as a late teen, young adult, I often enjoyed a long sleep on a lazy afternoon when there was nothing pressing to attend to. :) I guess I've always been a bit of a napper at heart. :)

The ability to unwind and de-stress is a good skill to develop. To be able to chill out and "forget" everything enough that one just drifts off into a gentle sleep for a little while is both a pleasure and a strength I think. It means that we don't fear not doing it "all" or that the world will stop if we do.

In our ever increasingly busy lives - this simple thing called the afternoon nap is like recharging the battery of the heart and mind so that we can keep on top of all that is important, not just whats urgent. :)

That day in September must go.

On this morning 5 years ago - 12 September 2006, I listened to the news on the radio as I woke from my sleep.

I rushed out to turn on the TV and sat stunned and incomprehensible in front of the visions on the screen before me! I'd only just "missed" it all happening live the night before when I'd gone to bed, by a mere 5 minutes. I may not have slept that night if I had seen it happen on the 11th September when it was night here and morning there.

I didn't want to "remember" this anniversary this year. Yesterday I deliberately kept my blog "light" and my thoughts decidedly away from that scene.

I still want to do that in many ways.

This constant recall, this memorialisation thing we humans do over great tragedy I don't think is always healthy! It re-opens raw wounds, incises emotional pain and creates new barriers for healing so it slows down and sometimes halts all over again. We seem to like to wallow in our pain as human beings.

We reinvigorate our hatred, justify our politics, salve our consciousness through our emotional flagellation in re-visiting such horrors.

But our horrors we choose to feel so strongly and passionately about are selective.

We "forget" the massive tragedies inflicted on people in other countries where barbarism, cruelty, and massive terror strike every day on the lives of a multitude of innocents. For some reason we cannot find it in our hearts to memorialise these tragedies! Only "our" tragedy! As if it were the only one that ever happened anywhere in the world thus far!

It isn't! And it won't be the last of the "great" horrors we see in our life-time! There is tragedy and horror aplenty either side of 9/11 that barely rates a tear from many of us in western "civilised" culture!

My feeling is that whilst we "should" remember those who died in that tragedy with honour and respect...

...lets leave the memory of it be now. No more Movies or documentaries; no more "New Information", no more dissertations, decrees, or promises to root out terror; No more immolation on the pyre of Righteous Outrage!

Lets find a way to turn this into a transformation. Lets let the power for humility and understanding for all be our 9/11 song, not this grandstanding rhetoric of might and justice for the few.

Lets make this a day to focus on the people who are making positive changes for love and goodness in the world.

Let's open up dialogue with those that say they "hate" us and find out WHY?

Let us be humble and contrite as we accept our mistakes and forgo our arrogance and become a little more circumspect in how we treat others who don't have all the luxurious trappings of success we hold so dear.

Lets LET GO of 9/11 and leave history be what it is.

Remember but lets not focus anymore.

It just hurts too much.

Finding ones song

Martin has chosen himself a personal Theme Song! :)

It describes him almost perfectly actually :) I say "almost" because he's actually a lot nicer than might be suggested by the words in that song :) Still! He is very much the independant soul and thats why that song works for him.

I've been trying to figure out if there's a song out there that I could also adopt as a Theme song or Personal Anthem too.

Lyrics are pretty important to me. I hadn't realised how much so until recently. I guess its about the poetry and the subtle meanings and interpretations a song can deliver. I find a lot of meaning and depth in lyrics really. Of course they don't really "translate" well without the structure of the music behind them. It's the music that gives the words their depth and clarity in the end.

But to find something that means enough to be almost a song about and FOR me?

It ain't easy I have to admit.

Top contenders so far are

1) Gel by Collective Soul - this one really IS about coherence and "sticking" together *grin*

2) BrainWash by The Cruel Sea - this one just makes me laugh really. I seriously DO need my brain cleaned out sometimes! It gets waaay cluttered with so many things to think about! hahaha

3) Another all time favourite song is Stand by Blues Traveller and this one has a really strong resonance for me. It's a lot about courage and hope. :)

For right now - at this moment in time...I'm settling on No. 3. "Stand". It has a power and a resourcefulness in it that encourages and strengthens me. The courage and the hope I hear in this song is what I want to bring others as well as find for myself.

Seriously! Findiing a song/track to adopt as a personal anthem is fun to do and it does make you get clear about what and who you are and what you want in life. Its not such a frivolous exercise really, if it means you learn something through the process. :)

That "noticing" stuff.

In Dicks book "Is your Genius at Work?", he says that one of the strongest hints as to our "Genius" is in the stuff we do when we don't notice what we are doing.

Now this isn't easy to do. To notice what we don't notice is a little weird isn't it?

Yes and No!

Even though I have named my Genius, I've been doing this exercise all the same and I've found it to be a positive reinforcement of the name I've chosen to describe what it is I do.

These little things I do every day are in fact simple habits that I cannot seem to break or imagine NOT doing! I get irate - quickly - when others don't see these little quirky things as "important" too.

They eloquently describe my need to "construct coherence" around me even though they seem on the surface to bear no relationship to Genius or coherence at all! :)

So here are my observations so far:

1) I absolutely HAVE to put the lid back on the toothpaste tube! I hate open tubes of toothpaste gunking up the bathroom!

2) I need to put CD's and DVD's back inside their jewel cases AND I like to have the original cover intact too. I get really irate with people who just leave CD's lying out and about without putting them back into their proper covers or sleeves ASAP.

I've kind of learned to tolerate the kids CD's being left to get ruined by their lack of "coherence" re CD care - they're old enough to take responsibility for their stuff now - but with my music/DVD's - no WAY! rrr!

3) I'm forever shutting things like cupboards or drawers. I can live okay with open doors - that isn't quite such an issue but I get slightly sweaty and agitated when cupboard/closet doors and drawers are left open for any length of time :)

4) I am always assigning "homes" for things. If something doesn't have a proper "home" - it tends to get tossed in the bin or sent to charity. I prefer order and symmetry in my surroundings and tend to be slightly more minimalist in my tastes than cluttered (the "Country Cottage" look drives me insane! :) hahaha!)

Achieving this order is a never ending battle between my natural laziness and my need for coherent, uncluttered calm :)

These things are just simple - maybe silly - quirks of my temperament but I've ALWAYS done them (yes.. I had to put LP's away in their covers too before the advent of CD's etc ;). They describe to me "Constructing Coherence" in a simple but profound way.

Fame and passion makes death seem more final somehow.

Australia has lost two "Icons" this week.

Last Monday, the international community mourned the passing of "The Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin to a sting-ray barb through the heart at Batt Reef Queensland.

As irritating as I found the guy in the media, he was passionate and determined when it came to the welfare of Australia's precious flora and fauna. His enthusiasm for his work and his family were admirable despite his over the top "Crikey's!" and Energiser Bunny ways.

Today, we lost a legend in the sport of motor racing, Peter Brock.

This man has been around for most of my life (I actually thought he was younger than his 61 years though) and being somewhat of a motor racing fan (in a not-too-fussed kind of way), I have watched him race around the track at Bathhurt in New South Wales on TV many a year, with immense admiration for his ability behind the wheel.

Also a passionate man in his work for Driver Education and for living life rather than just working in it... it is almost poetic in a sense that he died in a Targa Car Rally in Western Australia today.

Both men died doing what they loved. Both men epitomised passion and integrity in their respective crafts. Both men were energetic and highly respected for their skills and their humanity. Both men were ALIVE with spirit and joi de vivre, their enthusiasm and purpose were contagious and they were idolised by many for their generosity.

Who knows why God chooses to take the famous in "crops" like this! It reminds me of the time when Princess Diana's death was very closely followed by the death of Mother Theresa. Two global icons "walking" together into the realm beyond life, as we know it here in this temporal sphere.

We all of us die. As the song by Ugly Kid Joe says "10 out of 10 die"

Nothing is surer than our death. What we do between our birth and our death is either stuff to write about in newspapers or its not. But that doesn't mean that each and every death is not without poignancy or pain. The death of an unknown child in Africa is as equally sad as the death of any Aussie Icon.

Its just that Icons and the Famous remind us of just how fragile and extraordinary that space is between our birth and our death. Bless the families of these two men that they may know peace and hope in spite of their loss.

Being brief

is hard.

I'm trying to write stories that are "genuine" Flash Fiction which equates to around 500 words only.

I'm a wordy type of writer and I love playing around with descriptive language.

This can make my style convoluted and confusing (so much for coherence huh? ;)) and as a result, I find the editing process to be quite painful having to ditch what I think are lovely turns of colourful phrasing in order to be more concise.

So I consider this enforced brevity to be like medicine for my overly-florid writing style. One of these days I will be able to write something beautiful that isn't so full of 'unnecessary' words.

Wish me luck :)

A pocket full of diamonds

Imagine this:

You are wearing clothes that have deep pockets.

In those pockets are handfuls of rare and precious stones, such as rubies, emeralds, amethysts, sapphires, topaz and of course diamonds in all hues.

Each stone has clarity, depth and the purest colour imaginable.

What worth would you place on these stones?

Of what value would you hold them seeing as they just "live" in your pockets on a daily basis? Do you give them away easily? Do you take them for granted? Do you find them annoying (they do take up quite some space and can be noisy when you move about afterall :))? Are they of ANY use to you?

These might seem like rhetorical questions for who ever has the chance to carry such gems in ones pockets in "real" life?

But you do! :)

If your home, your workplace, your church, your neighbourhood, your street, your park, your town, your country and even cyberspace, are your pockets... metaphorically speaking....then everyone that lives, breathes and moves within is equivalent to one of those gems!

So...of what value do you hold them?

:)

Buzzing

I am so over the moon with this I can't begin to describe the feeling!

One of my stories has made it to the front page of 365 Tomorrows.

It's an incredible motivator to keep writing!

Thankyou to the team at 365t for taking it on board!

*bounce*

:)

Mood Journals

Many years ago, around the age of about 16 or 17, I began writing into notebooks on a regular basis.

These were not ordinary "diaries" etc where a rigourous daily update of events were recorded for posterity. I decided that was not my style very early on. Instead I went more for the spontaneous writing of thought whenever the "mood" striked. My "mood" journals subsequently have large gaps of time where there is nothing recorded. However, I have a slightly different record of my life from that of a tradional diary. It was like an early version of blogging I guess, writing about the things I thought about rather than always about the stuff that just happened in a day. All on paper and with that, still useful, device called The Pen! :)

I have kept those journals and I was looking back through some of them just a few minutes ago. Occasionally I do have dated events recorded, like the date I was found to have Glaucoma (11 August 1987 in St Paul Minnesota USA), but mostly, my old journals are filled with ramblings, ideas for stories, poetry, notes and observations about the things happening in my life at the time, plots and ideas for drama and meeting notes from conventions and youth gatherings.

The writing is hard to read! I have a rather large and loopy, florid kind of handwriting style and I was never one to be very "neat" when it came to getting things down on paper!

Its also interesting to see how my attitudes and beliefs about some things have changed over these past 20 + years. I was however, "right" about the whole Iraq thing back at the time of the first Gulf War! I'd written "I feel very pessimistic about all this!" on the 16 January 1991. I still feel that way even after all these years! It has been an extraordinary nightmare this 'America & some of the rest of the world' vs Iraq hasn't it?

The most notable thing about my mood journals is the strong devotion I had (still have :)) to my Faith! I have many "prayers" written in my journals and they seem quaint and child-like now but also poignant and kind of honest too in many ways. I think perhaps I am my most honest when I pray because I instinctively know that I can't hide anything from God anyway. :)

I used to wonder if my writings would ever become of value to anyone else in the future. I know it sounds very pretentious to have thought or wanted that, but I believed in my skill as a writer even back then and deeply desired that what I had to say was going to make an impact for the betterment of mankind in some way - and be remembered for it!

I'm not so sure I want this now. Some of the material in these journals is now so odd and contrived it would not make much sense to anyone in the future at all really!

Being "famous" isn't something to which I now aspire anyway ;) I would much rather make an impact on just one persons life than on many lives and now that I have kids... I think I've pretty much covered that aspiration! :) So I am not really that concerned what happens with my old journals now, after I am gone! If my kids decide to destroy them then thats fine. They served their purpose in giving me an outlet for my voice in my youth and for that I'm grateful.

The interesting development is that these hand-written journals may forever remain a silent witness to my life and mind, when I originally wanted to tell the world what was in them, whilst this blog perhaps will live on much, much longer with potentially many people reading the thoughts of my head in here!

Does this "worry" me? I have no idea! It depends... on whether I live the next 20 + years to be able to look back and be intrigued or embarrassed that people have read these odd and contrived things from my life and mind at this time! :)

What was my purpose again?

Dick Richards over at Come Gather Round has an interesting series of posts about Purpose.

For some strange reason, my life of the past three years or so have been heavily focused in many ways around the themes of Meaning and Purpose.

Not of my own doing though. This focus has been from external sources.

It "began" in 2004 when our local church decided to participate in a study series entitled "The Purpose Driven Life" by Pastor Rick Warren of California USA.

I didn't like this book! Which probably makes me a heretic as far as evangelical christianity goes! It IS very popular and it did have some useful stuff in it, but there was something about it I couldn't quite define that irked me immensely. I have since put it down to my extremely fundamental core credo as a "Lutheran" that this book was too heavily oriented toward "us" doing the work of our salvation and God not doing much at all really! Don't know! Maybe I missed the point! I did get a strong sense of that whole "Our purpose is for God's pleasure" thing as being somewhat distasteful as if He was some weirdo who wanted to merely entertain Himself by making us do stuff for Him!

I have a tough time with the christian ethos of "obedience" anyway. I'm selfish and wilful that way! We all try too hard sometimes, us christians, and we forget constantly that no amount of extra effort on our part will ever get us on any train to any heaven anywhere! Obedience doesn't come from ourselves - it comes from God Himself abiding by the Spirit within us! We are obedient only when we are in tune and in alignment with The Spirit!

So guess what? I'm a heretic huh? I don't buy into the "rules" of engagement when it comes to being a christian! I just BELIEVE and that is all that is necessary in my credo.

But I digress! :) I WAS talking about Purpose wasn't I? :)

The second year, 2005, our church followed the second book in the series by Rick Warren. It was called "The Purpose Driven Church". This one resonated better as it was about collective purpose as a congregation. It made sense to me that we got together and discussed issues such as social justice, worship life, prayer, etc. We do precious little of that (especially social justice) and it was a refreshing change to see members of my congregation actually connecting for a change on this stuff!

Around the same time, I "discovered" by accident on my travels around the internet, Getting Things Done by David Allen. This led me to finding a new "purpose" in getting even more organised and purposeful about where I wanted to go in life.

Some months back I also did an experiment suggested by Steve Pavlina called "How to discover your life purpose in 20 minutes" and I enthusiastically blogged about my results on that, feeling very emotional that I had indeed discovered my true reason for existing here in this world! :)

That little thing I wrote out still makes me go weak at the knees but is it REALLY my true Purpose? It maybe that it is just one of many, many purposes and "reasons" for my being here!

This in turn led me via a slightly convoluted route to Dick Richards and his "Is Your Genius at Work" book and website.

And here I find myself yet again confronted with this "thing" called Purpose!

The fact that I even exist means I have a Purpose! We all have one whether we can identify it or not! It comes from OUTSIDE of us and is gifted to us and can take us completely by surprise just as Dick mentions in a comment he made on Part Two of this subject.

It's slightly "wierd" this thematic construct of my years post 40, as if God Himself is shouting at me to wake up and identify that which I need to be fulfilling in the world!

I'm not sure how to listen to what that is though!

Writing is my greatest love but is it really my Purpose in life? Maybe I have essentially fulfilled my given Purpose and I don't yet know it? Maybe it is still yet to be realised?

But I KNOW I have one! And you do too. The thing is to not get too caught up in the "me" part about this and just LISTEN for that still small voice that leads in the direction I need to travel.