ingenuous

I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I always have and probably always will. I have no ability whatsoever to hide what I'm really feeling. Oh sure! I can fool those who don't know me but never those who do.

When I love I love whole-heartedly. When I don't love I disengage and step back and become dutiful but distant.

My sis says I am "deep". I think I'm just simple.

One of the current lessons I'm having to learn is to fully engage with my feelings and emotions and live inside of them. In the past, I have tended to do this odd thing where I dramatize and over-inflate minor feelings to grandiose proportions and subjugate and distill big feelings, pushing them down inside where they can't see the light of day.

It's not trickery. It's not perverse as such. It's just I cope better when emotion is a scene from a play. I can act it and savour the dramatic qualities of it allowing myself explore it from a kind of actresses vantage point; a sort of objective sense of it really.

Deep, raw, intense and very real emotion frightens me. I will attempt to disallow anyone to see these real depths. I can detach very well, for the most part, from this intensity of feeling. However, it still shows even so, in my bearing and my demeanor on the outside. Those who know me best can tell there is something going on. I can rarely tell them the whole truth of it though. I play up the small stuff and stifle the big stuff. Or try to anyway.

Blogging has given me a gift in this sense. Here I CAN say the deepest feelings of my being and place them into a coherent framework without having to fear the repercussions of their expression. In here, I get to be artless, honest and worldly, displaying my naive heart for "all the world" to see.

It's like being the actress I have always wanted to be, as well as the producer and the director of my own stage play. Blogging gives me a Carte Blanche script in which I can explore these deep and scary emotions, releasing them so to speak from having to actually live them silently and with constraint.

If I write of the depths of my sadness, it is diffused and softened into something other than profound sadness. If I write of my awe and wonder in something, the process suffuses the sense of that with coherent logic and slight detachment which prevents me from losing touch with reality completely.

Writing is obviously my souls way of dealing with things. It's my own version of the lucid dreaming state where I can push the boundaries of my thinking and explore what it means to be the way I am.

I AM simple though. It doesn't take much to cheer me, to sadden me, to uplift me or to nail me flat. I'm narcissistic, euphemistic, ideological, fantasy-driven, and completely ingenuous. I live for the Ideal Concept of Mind and am a complete dolt when it comes to being "real" about emotions.

They quite simply terrify me.

changes

Faith hasn't died in me.

Not yet.

Yesterday when I posted, I was shattered and lonely beyond belief. One of the hardest moments of my life was having to leave Baz behind me as we drove home from visiting him in the acute unit. Last night I sobbed and grieved as if he'd died and I wouldn't ever have him back. I still feel the residual sense of that sadness today although not as acutely.

God seems far away to me even though I still believe he has this all under control and is fulfilling whatever plans he has instituted for our welfare. What we perceive as being a painful experience in our moments is most likely viewed by God as a mere bump or bruise toward some greater goal. It hurts him too but not nearly the same way as it hurts us as he sees the bigger picture.

It's hard talking about my faith though right now. I'm a little confused too. There are options that I have to consider that may seem contradictory to the structure and outward expression of what I believe. There are possibilities that stretch the boundaries of my particular faith but would also make it impossible for me to effectively communicate these to other Christians without being judged as straying from my faith or stepping over to some "dark side" of strange nefarious new age thinking.

I want to consider them though. The goal is Baz's wellness and his health. Beyond that is the Greater Good. Anything that helps fulfill this mission and is in the best interests of everyone filling each one with love and respect is worthy of investigation and pursuit. Even if those things seem to be weird or not really under the strict boundaries of my Christian faith expression as we Lutherans understand those boundaries to be.

I have been cautious about expressing my interest in holistic methods of healing for Baz because it generally causes eyebrows to rise and stern frowns to creep across brows. It's "easier" to speak to non-Christian friends about my wanting to explore paths of healing that are not necessarily "Christian" in their philosophy or ideology.

It hurts to have to be like this. I can see why Paul wrote that no man/women can serve two masters. You're either for one or not. To be a Christian can seem extraordinarily stupid though when it comes to the kind of possibilities one must ignore or pass over just because they are not .... "Christian".

Then again...who says that modern medicine is ethically and wholly "Christian" either? Why would my Christian brothers and sisters applaud this medical, chemical model of wellness as being entirely the "right thing" for Baz and yet be shocked and appalled when I consider other less medical models of wellness that go to the heart of him and help him to explore his current state with minimal chemical intervention?

I'm not giving up my faith. As hard as it is right now for me to embrace it and be comforted by it I can't and I shall not give it up or forsake Christ on the basis that he feels distant in this moment.

He hasn't moved away after all. He is here with me. For the moment, I think perhaps that he is watching me stumble my way through this jungle of emotions, choices and changes in life. I need to grow to walk on my own emotional feet. God is not a crutch for everlasting broken limbs but a friend who sticks with you in sickness and in health. The Spirit brings Confidence which is the sum of experiences survived and challenges met.

Things will change. Just as the earth turns on its axis, my life will change. God will make those changes into opportunities for more changes. Nothing remains the same for very long. Growth is change. Life is about the steady rhythms of change. Baz will change and I will change - our kids will change. Faith will change. Only Christ will remain. He is the axis around which all things revolve.

Hope is believing that these changes will be good no matter how it feels at the time.

Freedom to believe is just that...freedom. Anyone who enforces a code of conduct onto another under some "rule" about what is supposed to be believed in does not understand love or faith.

The simplicity of Christianity is that the ONLY thing worth keeping out of all the human drivel that pads it is that "God so loved the world, He gave his only son that whoever believes in him should not die but have everlasting life".

This is my faith

...and it will do.

everything else is negotiable...even HOW Baz gets well.

too far away

I was asked to write when things were 'good' and not always write when things are 'bad'.

I'm not yet in that zone.

Things are not very good and nor are they desperately bad.

Right now is not a good moment and in my perverse, narcissistic way I need to channel the force of that 'badness' into these words; as if to extinguish them through the light of awareness.

I am sobbing and God is far away.

The depths of my loneliness seem unfathomable. For all the care, love and concern of my dear friends and family...I still feel hollow and empty of the love I want.

I don't want this! it is too much. Take it away.

Learning to accept the offers of assistance

There is this interesting thing we do here in Australia. When one finds that a friend or associate has fallen on hard times, out of courtesy and concern we offer our assistance but in a very specific sort of way.

We say stuff like "If there's anything I can do to help just ask".

Often, and even I am guilty of this on occasion, we tend to assume that our offer is merely a polite way of saying "I'm here for you and am thinking of you but I don't expect or want you to call me even so".

The one suffering though has a different take on it. "It's nice of you to offer but I will have to do this myself because I can tell you aren't really able to assist me right now".

And so we have this dichotomy of a person being under great duress and being a martyr to everything life has thrown at them and friends and acquaintances stepping back and just "waiting" to be asked for their help if and when it might be required.

I refuse to buy into this social currency.

If someone offers to help me I WILL consider their support as necessary. Right now I have friends who have offered their support in getting our new shop functional. I have accepted their support and assistance, it's one less thing I need to handle.

I have told the Bank Manager to talk directly with our Accountant to get the financial wheels turning on our future. One less thing I have to handle

A friend offered to bring around some supper tonight. I can't be stuffed cooking right now...so absolutely please!

I'm no wuss but at the same time I am not a saint either! I am barely able to withstand the current demands of my To Do list! I do need help to cope with the onslaught of stuff coming at me. I will take whatever help comes my way.

In time...I will pay that help forward to someone else in need.

Right now though, it's time I learn the lessons of humility and gratitude and simple acceptance of what is.

It can however be the toughest life lesson of them all when ones pride and sense of personal power is being wounded and bruised.

I'm not sad about this. There is a level of strange joy in acknowledging when one is powerless to do it all. Humility brings not just grace but also release from too much pride. Pride is a hard task master and a shocking Judge. Times like these when the world seems to fall apart around you just gives Pride the opportunity to take a holiday and get a grip and you are reminded that you are loved for you ARE ...not for what you can do.

Lounging

Today I feel lighter and slightly more cheerful.

One of the better things I've done this past week is to just quietly spend time RESTING here at home.

This morning I've not even really gotten out of bed and its already after midday here. I have gone to get my breakfast, taken phone calls and other such out of bed activities but mostly I have snuggled up here with my laptop and just chilled out a bit.

I talked with my friend Martin for a long while (he's always been good at cheering me up) and I've rounded up and paid some bills online that were pressing on my consciousness. So I have sort of "worked" as well as taken some very much needed and valuable down time too.

In a few minutes I'll have to go get showered and dressed ready to face the rest of my coming day whatever it may hold. There are bank managers to see and so on.

I am slowly getting my piles of notes and bits of paper under control. I have more phone calls to make too.

Baz has contacted me a couple of times this morning about little things. I suspect he's really a bit lonely for his dear wife and is hooking onto any small detail that provides an opportunity to connect and talk. He's still really difficult to talk to although no where nearly as bad of course. A friend who has been to see him in hospital said that currently their little 5 year old boy has a longer attention span than my dear baz! *giggle*

They have put him on different medications now as well as a sedative. Today he seems much calmer, less frantic/manic. He's slower and a little slurred in his speaking. He is still drinking water like a fish though

He's the "only" one in the unit at hospital with the mania side of bipolar. Most of the people surrounding him are severely depressed. Because he is so hyperactive, he is being a little bit of a disturbance to others in the early hours of the morning so hence the sedative to help him sleep a full 8 hours instead of the 4 to 6 he currently only manages.

He is having some scary nightmares which also may account for his inability to sleep. He may have to do some deep therapy to find the source of those nightmares, and to face them to their conclusion. (My recent dream of the tapir men interestingly had a conclusion which may perhaps account for why its not bothered me like baz's dreams do for him right now)

Today is however, a better day. Yesterday I felt very lost and afraid. Today I feel ...well not overly confident as such...just more cheerful and rested.

Que Sera Sera :)

overwhelmed

Today is a tough day.

I'm struggling within myself to cope with the mounting workload set before me. Not only that I am feeling completely crushed by the possibilities that lay ahead in helping my husband (I think I'll just call him Baz from here on in), towards wellness.

Bi-polar disorder is not an "easy" fix thing. You can't just assume that a pill will solve everything and all will be fine. It's a spectrum disorder of emotion and mind. It's treatable and that's all well and good but there's a fine line from day to day, week to week and month to month about where the "Optimum" level of treatment could lie.

I was prepared today by Baz's General Practitioner to be ready for a "rocky year". It wasn't encouraging but still it was pragmatic too. I'm not being blinded by the "Professionals" here into thinking everything will be completely hunky-dory next year. Of course there is the other likli-hood that things WILL be fine too but idealism isn't my forte today.

I just don't know if I can cope with my family, with the change to our business, and my husband's health issues. I want space, time and some freedom from this overwhelming sense of pressure.

There's so much paperwork to get done before our holiday. The phone bills on the home phone and my mobile phone will be enormous this month. I'm supposed to be "frugal" as we have no income but HOW? It's just crazy!

Depression and sadness are looming just around the corner of my own psyche. Joy and Hope seem distant and un-reachable. They are there of course and I know I'll find them again...probably very soon...but for today, it's hard to see through the clouds of doubt and despair.

Am I being selfish? Inconsiderate? Probably! I'm supposed to suck it up and be the strong one for now. Baz needs me and I need to be there for him for now. It's not that I don't love him...it's just that I don't love the disease in him! There's a difference. I feel smothered and entrapped by it - cloistered and chained.

Those bills still need to be paid though. The kids go to their end of year service tonight and I'm staying home to begin attending to these details. I shall pray after every transaction and cheque written, that replacement funds will continue to come in to meet the next round of payments.

Is this just about 'The Money'? Probably! With Baz not working and not anytime soon, I am terrified of having nothing left come January for my own holiday to germany. Yes! I am THAT selfish in still wanting to go there! In fact I am more determined than ever to get there...it's appearing on the horizon for me like an oasis in a desert of uncertainty and I am crawling towards it determined to drink from the well-spring of peace it potentially offers.

My family and our friends have been nothing less than extraordinary in their love and support. I am being showered by the good-will and generosity, both in spirit and financially of my dear ones. God seriously blessed baz and me with an extraordinary support team. They're His hands to us in our time of need. I am grateful and humbled and I can in no way ever repay these kindnesses.

I have been telling myself today over and over that there are many people doing it tougher and harder than us this Christmas. I feel grateful for small mercies but struggle with this sense of overwhelming distortion of perception and sheer worry about our future.

I just want my husband back.

first tiny steps to wellness

Hubby is on the slow road to recovery now.

he's phoned me a couple of times already from his hospital bed. He's lucid, much calmer than he has been but there is still a long way to go.

I can hear the slurring of his words and he is still flighty and jumpy about things. He demonstrates his anxiety in the details. Today he was anxious about some taxation stuff from 2004! :) It's sort of cute at the moment because he's not here pestering me about it but still, these little concerns that loom so large in his mind will perhaps wear me down over time. Learning what to take on board and what to let go will be my biggest challenge in his recovery.

I'm exhausted! And it's only the beginning of the week.

Today I had more phone-calls, visitors, and appointments than I think I've had all year combined! Well...it feels like it.

I'm sitting here right now "avoiding" some basic housework tasks I would like done before I crash into bed for the night. It's only 8pm'ish here and already I could easily just fall into my bed and stay there until morning!

My main objective in the immediate time I have is to organise some income support for my family while we are closed at the shop. God willing and where possible I will make every effort to access the government resources available for situations like ours. I have about 14 days to get this done.

I also need a good full day of going through all our accounts and getting them paid and squared off for the year. Cash flow will be an "issue" what with our holiday in Darwin over the christmas/new year period. Hubby has been looking forward to that holiday so much and so has my sister who lives up there. I intend to get us all there and just BE a family for 10 days without all these responsibilities and expectations looming over our heads.

The art of being in constant readiness for anything right now is highly stressful. I'm usually a very organised person but this past two weeks of massive shift and change has thrown lots of spanners into my usually organised plans. I need TIME and energy without interruption to get a lot of detail stuff sorted out here. I think I will have to literally turn the phones off and put a Do Not Disturb sign on the door sometime Wednesday to deal with the paperwork.

Friends are rallying around us. Family are supporting us where and when they can. Professionals in all varieties are offering their assistance in legal and financial, health and welfare. We are being held up by the Everlasting Arms!

I am a bit worried about my own self "crashing". My diet has hit a bit of a nosedive of late and I will need to be conscientious of that if I want to maintain my vitality and energy. No more chocolate! Not right now! The unbelievable fatigue today when I got back from buzzing around various appointments totally hit me as I came home to find some lunch. I would have laid down for a nap except the phone wouldn't stop ringing and the knocks at the door wouldn't stop as well.

Friends have dropped in to visit my husband in hospital and have phoned in progress reports. Some have been astounded to hear he's actually "much better" than he was this past couple of weeks! To them he is CRAZY happy!

And now my son is sick too. I'm suspecting it is the Glandular Fever the doctor warned us was possible when JD was sick a few weeks back. Oh dear!

Life is moving at an impossible pace. I need to breathe, to centre, slow down, re-orientate and find whats important and what's not in amongst all these demands.

So okay. I'm whinging now. Time to refocus and just "be". One cannot waste time moaning when there's dishes to wash instead. :)

Tomorrow is another day.

admission

my husband has been admitted to an acute psychiatric care unit about 2 hours drive away from where we live.

He came home from work this morning and seemed almost lucid if a little irritable. He took the medication the doctor had prescribed him last Tuesday and went off to bed. He slept for no more than about 3 hours.

In that time I was in hourly contact with Psychiatric Emergency Support Services about getting up to the hospital to be assessed for mental illness. He had been very aggressive and irritable this past few days so I was very worried he'd not go quietly.

Praise God, when he got up from his nap he was as compliant as a lamb and came willingly to the hospital.

We sat in a room by ourselves for about 90+ minutes before seeing anyone. In that time my husband chatted to me.

I hardly said a word.

Everything that came out of his mouth was disjointed, incoherent and unsettled. His thinking processes were not rational and yet he seemed so happy and content sitting there with me. He just babbled like a tiny child about as many topics as entered his manic mind in the moment.

I am relieved that I do not have to "manage" him for now. At the same time I am under immense pressure to get a lot ....a LOT... of things organised over the course of the next week or two. The shop has been shut until further notice which means we don't have an income for awhile.

We aim to get my husband on the road to recovery in time for our holiday to Darwin over the Christmas break. We shall see.

I will possibly find out on Tuesday what the situation is with him.

Friends and family have been supportive and responsive in our time of need. We are being loved and I am grateful. Nothing in all the world prepares anyone to go through what I have gone through this past few weeks. All the organisation, the knowledge, the sheer capacity to get out of bed and face each day has been and is sometimes overwhelming.

I am not invinceable but at the same time I am also resilient and pragmatic. We'll live.

Never let yourself feel so alone in the world that you lose focus. Work is not your life. Learn to let go of stuff that hurts you in whatever healthy and appropriate way you can.

Learning to deal with his stress triggers is my husbands biggest challenge this coming year. My challenge is to find joy and hope even when my life is changing on a daily basis.

No guilt, no blame, no having to justify anything. Mental illness is another life cloud that some people are given, just as some are given heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, or cancer. You treat it, you deal with it, and you survive. Nothing else matters but love and good humour. Live with this thing and do what you can and never assume you are the only one.

You know... people tend to think that life must be happy and easy in order for it to be considered successful? I'm not so sure. Success isn't measured by how easy you make your life. The people who are successful are those who can balance the good times with the bad and see the positive outcomes in both.

Even if our lives turn to complete shit in the next week or two (I doubt it will)... we will be okay in the long run. It isn't about being completely in control, or doing things in a certain way, or having the right amount of money/time/energy/health, it's about the way we think about stuff, and the way we notice when it all gets too much and can adjust our course to take off the pressure.

There is a lot to do this next few days. I'm praying for clarity and wisdom to manage the details. God willing, whatever I "miss" will sort itself out.

My husband will get well, and he'll be stronger for this experience.

the slow descent into madness

my husband isn't improving.

He is not hyper euphoric anymore though. Now he is garbled, confused and my father and brother have become "The Enemy".

At every opportunity, some diatribe escapes my husbands lips inferring or directly referring to my immediate family members.

Today I was accused of having "Jewish Heritage" because "The Jews..." according to my husbands deranged thinking... "control the safes". But he then follows this with "But, I'm not racist!" and wants to give me a hug or a kiss.

I'm finding it very hard to love him right now.

I know that it is the illness that is creating this rage but it still isn't appropriate or excusable for him to be so horrible towards the people I love. I cannot give him the affection he craves because the viciousness that lies inside of him repels me.

I feel very caught between a rock and a hard place. He is sort of capable of working but at the same time I think the pressure on him at present is too great. He needs to stop and unwind.

The kids seem okay. They are rolling with the flow as kids tend to do. They know their dad is not himself right now. I shall try and instill in them that none of this is in anyway anyones fault. It's an illness, a chemical brain dysfunction; not their dad's, or mine, or especially their fault.

Oh but how hard this is. I seek deliberately every available opportunity to send him away out of the house. The likelihood of him being "weird" or doing something idiotic in public is very high right now, but still...if he's away from me I can stop shaking and relax. I don't have to be strong when he's not here.

I am so frightened of having to sleep next to him tonight. Weekends have been when we are more or less in bed at the same time for most of our married life. During the week I have usually slept alone while he is at work. This past two weeks has seen me crave the working week so that I don't have to be next to my man. How awful!

It's the rage in him I find hardest to bear. The pent up spew of hatred and paranoia that erupts from his mouth. He always was cruel and hard with words when he was/is angry! I have just shut up and said nothing when my husband was/is in full flight, dredging up past wrongs along with current ones with calculating and vicious ardour. It's best to be very quiet when he is angry and say nothing because you are NEVER allowed to win with him! I had my own tactics for quietly putting forward my point of view. Now even these are null and void as he can barely remember what he has said from one moment to the next.

He cannot differentiate between what are essential things to know and inconsequential details that mean nothing. Today he was convinced we needed a particular brand of leather conditioner to "treat" the vinyl footstool before it got "ruined". He was adamant I was wrong when I tried to explain that the stuff was for leather, not for vinyl. He's obsessed with heritage and family, money and permissions right now. These things are concurrent themes through all his manic words. My father and my brother are bearing the brunt of his anger and rage.... thank God from afar! Thus far!

Moment by moment I must just simply be. Flexible and ready for any action that might be required. I have no idea which is the best action for all. I can only hedge my bets and breathe a prayer in faith that I'm leading the best way I can.

Any positive vibes or prayers will be gratefully appreciated.




What to do? What to do? I so hate this having to make these choices! I feel like I'm alone at sea trying to strategically avoid an overly affectionate but unpredictable shark.

detached one day.... heartbroken the next

yesterday I wrote a lovely emotionally detached discourse on my husbands current state of mind.

today I am no so detached.

I HURT.

This fucking demon in our midst... his inability to be sane and rational... is breaking me in two.

this man I married, whom I love and with whom I built a family and a life is so not WITH me right now!

Sure he's ever so loving...sending me..anonymously... a bunch of 7 blood red roses in a bouquet almost identical to my wedding bouquet... but still I don't want his flowers not now.

I had to drug him with the heavy duty medication this morning and was absolutely adamant that he go back to bed.

In the past 14 days or so he's probably had no more than about 40 hours of solid sleep! He's hyperactive beyond belief.

I'm following behind putting out the spot fires before he sends us broke or friend and family'less.

I glimpsed his caged rage earlier today... vitriol spewed forth with carefully enunciated venom filled words...aimed squarely at my father and my brother! Why? Who knows? But right now they are the "enemy"! I had to shout "ENOUGH" at him to get him to stop!

One minute he is like a lamb but then when he thinks I'm not looking, he is up and about phoning people about odd things. Thankfully my very wise, loving family and friends have twigged almost immediately that all is not well in our home at the moment. The next minute he is the invincible and the hardly-done-by innocent at war with The System..who are apparently out to defraud us of everything!

he is mucking about with cash from our business to the point where he cannot even find the change bag for our daily use at the shop. He is phoning estate agents for who knows what!

This sort of Life can suck...big time! When the wheel turns so fast you are dizzy and made sick from the unexpected jolts as the brakes are applied and then released without warning.

Somewhere inside my husband lies a deeply disturbed and angry man who wants to be a hero but feels powerless to be so.

Inside me right now is a deeply hurt and frightened wife who is being forced to lead where she's never had to lead her family before.

There but for the Grace of God go I.

my husband is not well...

There's a very fine line between blogging ones thoughts and ideas and just airing ones "dirty laundry" for the masses.

This might be construed as one of the latter perhaps.

Thing is, if my husband had broken his leg or arm, I'd be most definitely blogging about it to 1) Have a whinge 2) Debrief my concerns 3) Tell the world of my husband's incapacity to do "much".

My husband hasn't really broken anything anyone can actually see.

He is suffering from rather severe stress-induced anxiety instead. He is manic, unpredictable, euphoric one minute - a veritable "basket-case" the next. He has a lot of suppressed rage, deep depression, is slightly "mad" and has a nasty... NASTY... case of
Foot-in-mouth disease (an Aussie expression for saying the wrong thing at the wrong times) He doesn't sleep much and has had his phone taken away for calling friends and relatives at odd hours of the day or night.

We haven't shut the shop...yet...but it's my call to make if he doesn't stabilize over the next few days on his new medication. We shall see.

Now many people would cringe at me telling the "world" this information. Mental illness and even depression have more or less been a stigma of terrible secrecy. Madness is considered the sufferer's "fault". "They'd be FINE if they'd just pull their socks up, got a grip and got on with things!" et al. And I do think many people - even in this enlightened age - are of the secret opinion that madness is catching! *wry smile*

Patience and temperance on the part of the supporting family members is expected and quietly empathized with but many people are at a complete loss as to how to provide practical support even so.

It's bloody hard work!

The level of personal "control" over ones own emotions and feelings is immense and dangerous. I'm not quite that stalwart. I cry when I need to and if I choose to tell the world that my husband is sick and *I* need support in dealing with it, then so be it. It is my way of coping with it. Go suck lemons if you think this is the wrong approach.

As I mentioned earlier, if he'd 'just' broken his leg, no one would bat an eyelid if I wrote about it here. That he has broken his mind temporarily is no different only that the ignorant and stupid make it so.

Our close friends HAVE been amazing and helpful this past 14 days. They have travelled this road watching their dear friend - my husband - go through an incredible range of emotional turmoil, many heart-wrenching breakdowns to euphoric manic highs with its associated gobbledy-gook way of speaking and relating.

It's a lot of things that has done this to my husband. Yes! He does need to deal with it and get a grip on his life but first he needs to understand his emotional turmoil, dig his way through its mire, discover its roots and exorcise them so he can heal over the old wounds. There is stress, grief, loss, the burden of just too much responsibility and work. He doesn't cope with success well and nor does he cope with anger well. There is a lot of suppressed rage that needs to be allowed to be said safely and released without repercussion.

Currently, we are in intervention mode, with the hopefully short journey through the mine-field of anti-depressants and regular visits to various health professionals. We will get my husband well again.

For now, we will just try to ride this new barrel wave on the sea of life with Grace, Dignity and Good Humour!

Questions about Genius and Life Purpose.

Those of us who have gone through the process of finding the name of our "Genius" as described by Dick Richards, will testify to the agonizing and confusing, often protracted, job it is.

Finding ones Genius is like panning for gold. It's a long and drawn out process of sifting through a multiplicity of stuff within us.

When we do find a name that perfectly describes the natural and innate gift we bring to the world, we then find ourselves compelled to channel that new found discovery and insight into the search for our personal true purpose and reason for being here.

Genius and Life Purpose are linked for sure.

There is a possibility here though that I want to explore.

What if our Life Purpose isn't so much an extension of our Genius, but is in fact, something very uncomfortable for which we must take a leap of faith in order to grasp?

For instance, I know my genius is Constructing Coherence. I am all about logically and systematically making things make sense, establishing order and making connections between words, patterns, ideas and people. I do this instinctively without really having to "think" too hard about them.

But now I wonder if my Life Purpose is something that perhaps stretches me beyond this instinctive pattern of being.

Maybe my purpose here is to be engaged in something that takes me outside of having to use the same old, same old, devices I've always used? A Leap of Faith into uncharted territory that engages me and enthralls me and fulfills me like no other thing? Something that would normally terrify me! Something that doesn't make a lot of sense at all...not logically anyway.

What if...instead of my Genius, my modus operandi, creating the impetus for me to fulfill my Life Purpose, I instead have to use other emotional and intellectual tools that feel alien to me, that challenge me, but by the same token, fulfill me enormously and thereby create something wonderful for the Greater Good?

What if... my Life Purpose isn't achieved via the business of Constructing Coherence, which I do every day as a matter of course, but is something illogical, challenging, strange, uncommon and decidedly "Huh?".

Perhaps its in the opposite of my usual daily self where I might find the direction for my soul to travel.

The opposite of Constructing Coherence for me would be to rely not on logic but on intuition. I would need to do things according to what brings joy and fun for ME without always carefully thinking through the future consequences of my actions for everyone else. The opposite of my Genius would be for me to find strength within myself and not rely on finding it within the collective. The opposite for me would be to accept my own uniqueness and embrace my differences and not try to blend in with the crowd so much. I would have to accept being in the moment more, not plan so much and just be playful and joyful in the expression of my dreams. I would have to step onto the stage of Life and engage fully in it as a lead player, not as mere spectator or support crew.

That is scary stuff for me.

I am not very courageous and nor do I feel comfortable being in the spotlight. I love the stage but I have always stayed in the background or behind the scenes, preferring to work hard for the team doing my "bit".

It sounds so arrogant. I feel very small when faced with the enormous potential present in this. I have always WANTED the spotlight, craved it, yearned for it. I love being the centre of attention! I learned though, to sublimate this inside of me as a child. Being the "Lead" was only ever given to those who were more beautiful, more clever, more talented, more creative than me. Or so I believed. Then there was the notion of being "Humble", a big thing in my family background. Humility meant never trying to be "better" than anyone else so I did most of my "performing" in private on my own private stage inside my very private thoughts.

Thus, I learned to blend in with the group, to construct coherence as a support act. I became "invisible" and just cruised on the side-lines. My Genius didn't wither doing this, it became powerful. I am a team player! I am consistently and thoroughly engaged in the collective focus of the group mind. I can support others easily! It's just what I "do"!

But taking the Lead is not something I do comfortably. I like the sense of power and the accolades it brings, but it worries me because I fear being "by myself" out there under the spotlight. The responsibilities inherent in being the Lead seem challenging even if inspiring. I worry about becoming too "full of myself" receiving the applause and am über careful to ensure that its never me who gets the praise but the group or those behind the scenes. Being in the lead is fraught with so much conflicting energy for me; on the one hand I adore being at the centre and in control, but on the other hand I fret about taking the accolades too seriously. I might need to TRUST that I am worthy of the applause sometimes! eek!

But what IF this is my Life Purpose? To be channeled toward the thing I have always craved but never felt entirely comfortable in grasping? What if I am being asked to fulfill my Life's Purpose by being very much what I am not every day of my life?

What if all of us who have found their Genius are in fact being asked not to seek their purpose from the starting point of their Genius, but beyond it where their Genius rarely dares to venture? What if we are in fact to reach beyond that which we do so naturally? What if we are being asked to engage in that which stretches us outside of our comfort zone?

This confounds and inspires me, this idea. I wonder what Dick would say? :)

I, Hope so...

One of those mini insights into the self today.

I think...and its not really clear yet...but I think and feel that my whole being is driven by one ultimate passion.

Hope.

I live my moments, my nows much of the time with the future in mind. I'm constantly scanning the horizon of my forthcoming moments in order to establish grounds for the Hope I have that things will come to pass as I wish them to.

weird?

sure!

Thing is...these little weird revelations about my own inner bean seem to settle and calm me so I figure if that's the case, then they may well be very close to being the "truth", at least for me anyway.

selfish?

you betcha!

I hope for a lot of stuff.

I hope for passion, romance, energy, faithfulness. I hope for prosperity, wealth, honour, esteem and yes... I admit ...even a little bit of fame sometimes (until I get real again anyway).

I hope for Heaven and the resurrection at the end of time.

I hope for my friends, my loved ones, the earth, 3rd world peoples and for the displaced and disparaged. I hope for my co-workers, my children and my parents and siblings.

I hope.

I hope I live to 95 with all my mental faculties intact.

I hope I can lose this last 10 to 12 kg I am still carrying.

I hope I see rainbows until the end of my life.

I hope to travel to germany a thousand and one times in my life to come.

I hope to write...ahhhh yes! I have always harboured ambitions to write that "great" screenplay but have always been far too overwhelmed by the task.. but I still hope to one day even so.

I hope to still be able to see and not lose the sight in my one good eye.

I hope we have a good time in Darwin over Christmas with my sis and family.

I hope.

I live in hope.

Constantly, eternally, every single day, almost every single breath I take is a pointer towards my hopes.

Being the dreamer and idealist that I am, I am never content with the status quo. I yearn for my tomorrows and I HOPE for them like no other person I know!

Perhaps I should change my name to "Hope", but I hope not! I quite like my names thanks.

Hope is so powerful, so intense, so charged with possibilities, it engulfs the soul and makes it yearn. The danger is that I can sometimes yearn for the things that in my imagination seem so "perfect" but are in fact not quite what they seemed once I get there and experience them in the present moment.

A lot of stuff surrounding Hope, is decision making. Making choices at bends and forks on ones path. You kinda guess what lays ahead without really knowing the forthcoming landscape but you still hope that your decisions will get you where you want to be eventually.

Hope is a dangerous thing too. It can easily lead to all sorts of silly addictions. I've talked HEAPS in this blog about living in the moment and while logically, I know that to be the best thing to do... I rarely do it because I'm so naturally wired to live in the future. It's a good thing I'm not into gambling "that" much...or I would be addicted for sure. Gambling relies on hope!

Hope can bog you down too. Around my neck is my chain with the Faith, Hope and Love symbols. Hope is represented by an anchor. It's a grounding thing. It provides a surety of potential. A kind of blank cheque for future success and happiness. Thing is, when you rely so much on Hope to fulfil your inner bean with happiness, you are often left disappointed and dismayed that your Hope never lived up to its potential when you dreamed it in the first place. This can make one rather cynical and a little bitter about life. I hope that never happens to me!

so anyway, I hope I haven't bored you! I hope your day has gone well. I hope you are fit and healthy. I hope you've chosen your friends wisely and that your enemies are very few. I hope you live life to the fullest. I hope you find your soulmate. I hope you are given access to every opportunity for success. I hope you climb mountains, swim rivers, and sail oceans of love and joy. I hope the world finds Peace and the absence of cruelty. I hope there is joy in being unique for every individual. I hope the collective consciousness of mankind is aroused by the Joy of knowing God. I hope for dolphins, bears, dogs and cats. I hope for children in Uganda, India, China and Romania. I hope for the doggies at the local pound. I hope for the indigenous cultures of the world. I hope for the Aussie Federal Election to be OVER A.S.A.P.!

Hope isn't about love so much as its about Faith. Hope and Faith are inextricably linked. But Hope can live quite happily without Love. So if one is to Hope, then one needs to also cultivate Love. Something I need a whole lot more practise in.

Love is the supreme expression of Faith and Hope. Without Love encompassing these two foci on the evidence of unseen things promised in the future... then Faith and Hope are merely selfish aspirations of nothing much.

May Faith Hope and Love reign.

I so hope so.

sleep away the tapir man

Last night I had one of the WORST nightmares I've had in a long time.

It was graphic and very "Hollywood Horror". This is despite the fact that I rarely, if ever, watch horror blood and gore films (Pulp Fiction notwithstanding...but that was more weird art than horror really).

I woke to feel very distressed and unwilling to fall back to sleep and when I did I had a whole bunch of other very graphic and involved dreams (including a rather convoluted one featuring the Pavlina family!!! *scratches head* Huh?).

I have tried writing my "horror" dream (Sorry Steve... this one wasn't really about you...although that dream WAS creepy in a subdued kind of way)...into a short story, but it remains to be seen if I can make it as tension packed and as graphic as the dream I witnessed last night. I'm not really sure I want to you know. It's very hard to write what one does not want to think about again.

Still! The process of writing out the dream and padding out the non-dreamed scenes in an attempt to fit it together has been cathartic if a little unsuccessful.

The title of this blog sort of describes the main elements of the dream.

It involved young lovers, sleeping bags made for two and some mutant creatures that resembled men but were more like upright tapirs with thick white fleshy skin barely covered with hair and yet covered with much blood...

....you get the picture! Or perhaps not, which would be a lot nicer for you really.

Ugh!

Nightmares are really not very nice things.

If anyone is interested in reading one of my preliminary drafts of this story... email me at michelle underscore pitman at hotmail dot com with tapir man in the subject line and I'll forward you my work in progress such that it is (martin says it needs a fair bit of work to make it work :) so be warned ...its not "that" good).

other than that...I'm off to bed now for a nights SLEEP with no vivid dreams that I shall remember for years to come! *shudder*

Outside me Inside me

Dave Pollard doesn't always do "it" for me but lately I find myself reading his blog again after a long hiatus.

This particular line in his "Sunday Open Thread" on November 4th triggered in me that lovely wee glow of desire for delicious self examination.

How does your public persona, the way you choose to project yourself to the world, most differ from your true self, your true nature.Why?

Hmmmm!

My outside self is generally friendly, self-deprecating, a little detached, a bit aloof, magnanimous,loquacious, giggly and a bit moody on occasion. I think I come across as a lot more organized than I actually am too. My outside self dresses practically, blockishly, understatedly. I "blend" in but with a few twists to be a little bit Individual. I am sort of ordinary but with these tiny flashes of "WTF-spontaneous-left-of-main-stream" un-ordinariness thrown in.

The more I try to fit my Outside me into the world, the more my Inside me is terrified of being abandoned, being victimized and being seen to be "dumb". I am also inordinately concerned with what other people think about me, summarizing my Self from what I think I see of me behind their eyes.

My REAL inside self is reclusive and very private. I live in an imaginary world most of my day with this internal ever-present conversation with my inner voice. Now that I think about it I probably seem like I am stoned half the time actually :) I assure you my demeanor is not chemically modified...I"m merely lost in the labyrinth of my thinking is all :)

My Inside me is sort of quiet in a way, despite this conversation I run constantly in the back of my mind. I am always scrutinizing, observing and analyzing the world around me - sometimes without realizing it. I'm generally trying out a strategy for manipulation of others, or merely because my curiosity demands I do the research. It's a kind of intense surveillance of the inner worlds of other people. I can forget their name, I can forget what they were wearing and I can forget what they order for lunch every day, but I rarely forget my impression of their persona and essential character. I usually make grand assumptions about people very quickly based on a lot of "unseen" data. I do this almost automatically without even being aware I'm doing it.

If my Inside self was to be expressed, I would most likely look like a really badly put-together hippie! :) I'd wear lots of really impractical clothing like designer stuff for an outdoor barbeque or frothy. silly stuff resembling handkerchiefs at the Opera! And I'd most definitely wear a lot of very low-cut, cleavage-flashing tops!

I'd wear yellow without being concerned that it made my face look sallow! I'd be into sitting on cushions with my legs crossed and I'd wear amazing jewelry I designed myself. I would listen to Alternative Rock (Oh! I already do! ha!), and laugh out loud at a lot of things most people take very seriously, without being "That" concerned for their feelings.

Notably, my Inside me hardly follows anyone else's rules but those I choose to follow. Any rules that do not serve my purposes are quietly bent, very much, out of shape by my subtle but profoundly indefatigable will. :) I am a sort of velvet covered steam-roller when it comes to things like that I guess! :)

You know, it's interesting but I just realized that for the first time in my life.. at age 45... my Outside me is very much closer to my Inside me than I ever used to be. I am finally beginning to integrate and becoming "true" to the self that I really am instead of being so terrified of being on the "outside" just because I feel so "different" to other people on my inside.

And I guess I'll change my mind about all the above at some stage! :)

We shall see.

:)

the holding breath man

*this is actually something I dreamt*

She was very concerned for it. She couldn't really understand why she would be feeling so concerned for a mere doll!

It was a little plastic man-doll, standing straight and tall like a toy soldier, but without the clothing or demeanor of a soldier; its long legs set together and its shoulders square and pulled back, it's head held stiff and high.

She considered it for a few moments, the anxiety rising in her throat from who knew where. The doll was sort of hovering just below the surface of the water. Not really floating but not sinking either. Even weirder was the fact that the wee little man-doll was floating vertically in the water. Immovable like a baton but aligned in perfect symmatry to the clear blue waters of the backyard pool.

She felt strangely as if the man-doll were about to "drown".

She reached in and pulled it out and lay it on the edge of the pool. It promptly rolled off the edge, sank to the bottom, rolled along the bottom of the pool in a kind of stacato bobbing motion and then floated up to hover just below the surface again vertically.

The mounting tension inside of her began to really bother her. She felt suddenly that this man-doll was trying to tell her something. Leaning as far as she dared over the edge she reached into the water and grabbed at it again and pulled it out.

Again, she set it on the edge of the pool, laying face up in the sun. She noted its appearance was struck by the clarity of its eyes. It was wearing a dark pullover with a high collar and a pair of black jeans. It had tiny perfectly formed little sneakers on its feet. Its hair was auburn and swept up off his high forehead, a kind of non-descript hairdo that was neither fashionable but nor was it ugly. He had a small nose and hardly any mouth. His eyes though were something else. They were large round eyes with bright sky blue irises and the longest black lashes she'd seen on any man-doll. Then it seemed to look at her from under those lashes blankly and then rolled back off the edge to repeat its underwater dance of vertical hovering.

"How bizarre!" she thought to herself. She left the little man-doll floating for some time then but the rising concern would not go away. She fretted that it was actually drowning and it worried her.

Then passing the pool again later that day, she noticed it was in the very centre almost at the bottom but still vertical and with a determined air too...even though that idea seemed too strange to be real.

She slid into the cool water and went to the little man-doll and scooped it up again from its watery haven. Holding the tiny man-doll by the legs she held it up to her face and peered into its little face. It stared back at her.

Then blinked!

She started! "Are you alive? Two blinks for 'Yes' and one blink for 'No'" she asked somewhat surprised.

It blinked twice. Two determined, slow and deliberate blinks of those crystal clear blue eyes and long eyelashes.

"What are you trying to do?" she asked again. "Drown?"

Blinking slowly once the little man-doll seemed to be sort of smiling a sad smile even though he had hardly a mouth to show for it.

"Are you trying to break a Breath Holding record then?" which was a sort of half-joke really, but the occasion seemed as if it demanded a bit of levity with which to lighten her befuddled sense of reality. The man-doll blinked twice.

"Huh?" She was now suitably confused and perplexed and very concerned for the little mans wellbeing. "So... you really want to hold your breath for as long as possible under the water here?" she said in slow, deliberate tones. The little man-doll blinked twice.

She gently set him into the water again where he sank vertically to just below the surface to begin his "Breath Holding" record-breaking attempt yet again. A sort of psychic infusion of thought reached her brain as she watched him. Her concern for him was still high, higher because she knew him to be very much alive under all that plastic hair and soldier straightness. However, now she felt very much like this was not so much an exercise in drowning as an attempt to prove something beyond a doubt.

Leaving him alone, she went inside and after awhile her thoughts slipped away from her concern for the little man-doll floating in the backyard pool. If he was holding his breath, then he was doing a fine job at it! Hours and hours passed and she finally went to sleep but fitfully and restless as if there was something on her mind; which there was.

She awoke with a start and felt the pangs of guilt at her "forgetting" her little man in the pool. Running from her bed she went to the pool to see him still vertical at the bottom, upright, immovable, with an inscrutable smile on his mouth-less face...just holding his breath until whatever record for that was all but a memory.

Frustration, panic, and compassion was all she could feel for him and something else... admiration? She wasn't sure. He just seemed hell-bent on holding his breath and she was forever afraid that he would just stop his fight and simply drown.

She could not bear to see him drown.

Castle Love

Somehow, she knew she had to break free from her own trap.

She'd been happy to make it back then. Content to let it grow its vines around her turrets and set roots into her crevices.

The trap was her marriage. She had welcomed it and honored it when it began. Opened her yawning maws with a smile of gratified contentment that it would be a "good thing". It was so little, such a pretty little thing. A little bereft looking and a little bit lonely, she let it envelope her and was not unduly dismayed.

She even fought for it when fronds seemed to die off and wither away. She would have a healthy growing trap if you please! Not one that was a dead, chaotic tangle of exposed woody vine matter showing its ugly face to the passing world! No way! So she tended it. Watered it. Loved it through her daily sacrifice and gentle subjugation of her walls and boundaries.

The Vine was voracious.

It demanded more space from her daily. The creeping, wriggling little vine-lets with their soft cute growth seemed so pretty but in truth were a malevolent force intent of using her to fortify it and strengthen its resolve to conquer her ramparts.

Pieces of her started to fall away. First she lost tiny pebbles of respect but ignored them and refused to shore the walls from where they fell with the mortar of self respect. She allowed the vine to eat away at her, sucking the clay from between the stones of her resolve, making those very stones dangerous to passers by.

She became weak, vulnerable, and impossible to predict! She was not "safe" anymore. Something in her forced others away from her. She became abandoned and derelict, a sad excuse for a castle on a beautiful hill. The Vine seemed content but found it harder and harder to be fed by her. It had taken so much of her core, her "glue" from between her lovely stones... it was hard pressed to find more. It demanded from her ever more; urgently, it required she meet its needs and not ask anything of it in return.

The castle had to do something drastic!

It stopped feeding the vine. It prayed to the Sun who answered her prayer with a difficult challenge and an awesome opportunity. The Sun came and dried the mortar that was left between her stone walls into hard, unyielding clay such that the vine could not penetrate with its voracious little roots. The castle solidly stood its ground and waited under the parched sky as the land around it began to suffer and burn under the relentless heat of change.

She was immutable however. She accepted the stinging warmth of the blazing sun on her flagstones and just waited!

The vine shriveled. It retreated its green down to the first few stumps of its original growth, spluttered and then almost died.

And there she stood. Grey and unwelcoming, covered in the very thing she had always feared the most...those withered bare roots encasing her like the trap she had always thought she would enjoy if it were green and alive!

A gardener passing by saw this and made a fated decision. He tore away the vines. He poisoned the last remaining clinging roots so they could not return. He brought in people who could re point and renovate the castle to her former glory. He brought her out of her trap so she could be herself again. Free to be as she was meant to be without restraints or demands.

The castle rewarded the gardener and gave him the heart of herself...her very soul deep in the interior of her being. There he made his home and they both found deep contentment and joy even in the hard times. The gardner did not need the Castle but nor did the Castle really need the gardner but they were simpatico and they grew to love each other as love should be expressed. No demands just a gentle decision to care for and meet a beautiful thing where it wanted to be met.

The gentle rains came back and the hill was verdant and aesthetically marvelous once more. Life tread out a steady rhythm of freedom and safety such she had never known or understood until then. No more would she need to subjugate herself in order to keep something alive! She was loved for who and what she was and was not required or expected to be entrapped by it.

Beware the roots of pretty green things you only think will serve you well.

where are the christians?

I've been mucking about in Second Life now for a few months.

I have had...and am still having... a good time in there too all things considered.

One of my more disheartening observations about SL though has been the total lack of other people of my Faith background!

Sure! There ARE "churches" in Secondlife but nearly everyone I have visited has been of the hyper fundamentalist pentecostal type (and no actual people)... or are empty "old fashioned" churches more for quaint pretty appearances than any real centres for gathering and meeting for fellowship and worship.

The closest I have come to feeling "at home" in a church in Secondlife is the Danish State Church's own SIM and not a lot of stuff there is actually in English and I've only met one other person there...and she was the Pastor! :)

The other day, a friend who calls herself "Archer", attended a Meditation session on the new SIM called "Owo Kun Meditation Resort". 39 people attended!!!!! This is a sort of meta-faith place with lots of old religions re-packaged and adapted to modern people who cannot accept the tenets or practices of the traditional christian church. It's probably easy to just classify it as 'New Age' but that seems unfair really.

You'd have to go to the public sex beaches to find that many people in one place in Second Life! (and yes I have gone to have a look at a public sex beach! Once to see it ...the second couple of times because I didn't believe it the first time! hahahaha)

In my own travels in the vast world of Second Life, I've met one person, in 6 months, for less than 3 minutes, who could be called another Christian like myself! That's pretty shocking when I think about it!

I am musing on why it is that my brothers and sisters of Faith would be so rare in Second Life. Here is a VAST canvas of potential for sharing and fellowshipping with like-minded Christians from around the globe...probably the first opportunity we have ever had to be able to meet with other Christians in real time from around the world we have ever had. But why don't we?

I am quite sure there are many, many Christians in Second Life! But I suspect that perhaps we are either too scared to admit we are of this faith, or we are really not that interested anymore in the traditional forms of expressing our Faith! Perhaps we are lapsed. Perhaps we just don't care enough. Perhaps we don't want to be "picked on" because of the assumptions of those outside of our Faith.

Let's face it...Christianity is NOT cool right now! In fact, it's downright silly given the idiocy of some of its proponents in seats of power and prestige!

Second Life demands a much, much more relaxed approach to Faith and its expression than any conducted in our mainstream churches in the past century or so. Second Life absolutely demands that one be very accepting and tolerant of a vast number of behaviours that would be considered "sinful" by many traditional Christians too...and that is hard!

Some of my Faith would suggest that I am being too "worldly" to engage in such activities as Second Life. That because there is so much "sinful" behaviour within its UI that its prudent to steer clear of it out of some pious sense of duty to being kept "pure" in the Name of Christ!

That's bullshit!

What a load of utter nonsense! How will Christ EVER mean anything to anyone if we aren't his eyes, his hands and particularly his ears in the places where the ordinary people HE LOVES congregate????

This xenophobic attitude in Christians is exactly the reason our faith is perceived as being on the decline!

But here is a huge ministry waiting to be tapped into! People in Second Life come to be enthralled, entertained and to meet with other people; to lose themselves inside a world similar but also interestingly different to their every day life. They don't want to be missioned, just accepted for who they are and how they present. They want to be private, but also connected. They want to play but also learn new things. They want to explore but also have their own creative ideas valued and understood.

A good part of the problem comes from the other side of Christianity too I think. For too long the Universal church is perceived as this declining entity of little use and purpose to the everyday man. Much of my faith is seen to be about obligations and that's just plain wrong and sad that its seen as such. And the Gospel literally doesn't make sense to people until they see it through the Spirit's Heart and eyes! Thing is...they can't do that unless they actually HEAR the Gospel and they won't want to hear it if they don't see anyone actually living it!

Its a dilemma!

The danger I see with Christianity coming to SL is that it will be the radical fundamentalist pentecostal sects who adopt SL as their harvest grounds! Yes! They are Christians but I do wonder sometimes at their marketing techniques in bringing people to faith! Sometimes, it seems more about preaching "Believe in this God and you can be rich like us" stuff to me.

Unfortunately, I don't ever see the reasonable, strange but very practical and lovely faith as made understood by dear old Martin Luther being The Next Big thing in SL. All of which makes me very sad, because such a place would make my Second Life even more useful and satisfying really.

I suppose I could always learn Danish though :)

the dance of relating

ahhhh

Dear Steve! :)

I am catching up with my overdue reading on Bloglines and Mr Pavlina has written a wee gem which has resonated with me quite strongly today.

Okay! A bit of background to why. :)

For a few weeks now I have been stressed out and frustrated by a few of my close relationships. There has been angst, anger, frustration, arguments and a lot of discord and disharmony in the relationships I hold dearest to me.

I had to do a lot of soul searching and inner work on MY responses to what was going on. It has been a tough but rewarding journey of discovery and growth.

You see, taking responsibility for our relationships is about OUR response to what we bring to the partnership. It's not about demanding or seeking gratification from the other person.

A lot of the angst I've been feeling was my own reaction to things happening. I felt like a huge chasm was developing between me and my nearest and dearest. I worked out that a lot of it is perhaps due to my tendency to live out the "What if's?". My reactions were due, in a large part, to my believing that what I imagined happening in the future was inevitable!

I still struggle to live in my Now!

Steve reminded me today that its how I respond in my Now that matters, not reacting to my future hunches.

Of course this is an analogy for life. When you’re obsessed with what’s going to happen next, you’re stuck in reaction mode. The terms of your experience are being dictated. You’re trying to control the future by tensing up in the present, and this knocks you out of authenticity.(Steve)

A part of living outside of oneself is to let go of Ego-based thinking, which is about the selfish desires and petty wants we all seek for personal gratification. A better path is to just allow to moment be itself for its own reasons without forcing any potential dramatic outcomes just because you've imagined they are possible!

When you stay centered in the present, you trust that your natural response will be just what you need. You remain authentic, allowing your creative self-expression to emerge without forcing it. (Steve)

By letting go of my selfish wants and panic and just accepting things as they are in the Now of my life, its been a whole lot more pleasant experience.

A lot of emotional pain could be alleviated within me if I could be more comfortable in accepting things just as they are. But, I am somewhat given to imagining the worst outcomes despite claiming I'm a "glass half-full" type! Perhaps I am not so much afterall.

I think maybe, that I imagine the worst case scenario in my most wanted relationships because a part of me believes its not that possible or allowable for me to have them! When we get to the nut of what we really think about ourselves...we often tend to harbour deep beliefs that we are really not that worthy/lovable/wanted/desired/pretty enough/able enough/capable enough/intelligent enough to be allowed to have such a powerful and wonderful relationship!

It's weird that!

Our Ego self demands and craves all that attention but then tells us we are completely and totally not worthy of it. We want it soooooo badly but then smack ourselves over the psychological wrists for even thinking that we are allowed to have it or that its naughty for us to want it.

It's that small me stuff again!

Over inflated Ego's are actually very very fragile things. The bigger the balloon, the thinner the skin and the tiniest prick will deflate it immediately...and often loudly!

I keep telling myself that I AM worthy of great and lasting friendships and that I AM worthy of being appreciated as well as appreciating. It is not as easy as it sounds for me though.

I react instead of respond in so many of my relationships. My emotional make up is so caught up in the cycle of dramatic reaction rather than flowing coherence. It's not about the other, its about me and therein lies the problem. If I would just let go of "me" and let the moment take over... there would be a world of emotional difference between the ones I love and myself; a calm peace and a better grasp of what constitutes Love.

creative genius

Everyone is a genius really.

From the person who flunked out of school to the person who can do marvellous things with their minds or bodies.

You see, Genius .... (in the sense of a highly developed skill or intelligence)... is mostly about creativity.

There is something that the human being is better at than most creatures under this bruised sky and that is that we Create everyday of our lives. The Human Being is in the business of creation. Like the Creator, she is the the wondering Sage, intent on making a world.

Inside the mind lies the beating machina of creative drive and purpose. We think and we are creating as we think. We imagine and create what we imagine as a real thing which we either bring to the light of day for others to see or we keep inside of our heads as a fleeting idea, a thought or a seed for future reference.

Perhaps what we create is merely a dream that could potentially become possible given energy, tact, principle and a dash of good luck :)

But, no matter how mundane the idea, or how fundamental the need, the urge to create is a strong drive in people.

Creativity is as vast as the human canvas! Where no two people are alike, no two people are creative in the same way. What is the same however, is the drive to create! To make something unique and lasting of our own making be it percieved simple or not!

Never ever under-estimate the power of the Creative Spirit that resides in you. You ARE a genius already just because you have the ability and the potential to make anything you want possible! :)