Thursday, December 06, 2007

detached one day.... heartbroken the next

yesterday I wrote a lovely emotionally detached discourse on my husbands current state of mind.

today I am no so detached.


This fucking demon in our midst... his inability to be sane and rational... is breaking me in two.

this man I married, whom I love and with whom I built a family and a life is so not WITH me right now!

Sure he's ever so loving...sending me..anonymously... a bunch of 7 blood red roses in a bouquet almost identical to my wedding bouquet... but still I don't want his flowers not now.

I had to drug him with the heavy duty medication this morning and was absolutely adamant that he go back to bed.

In the past 14 days or so he's probably had no more than about 40 hours of solid sleep! He's hyperactive beyond belief.

I'm following behind putting out the spot fires before he sends us broke or friend and family'less.

I glimpsed his caged rage earlier today... vitriol spewed forth with carefully enunciated venom filled words...aimed squarely at my father and my brother! Why? Who knows? But right now they are the "enemy"! I had to shout "ENOUGH" at him to get him to stop!

One minute he is like a lamb but then when he thinks I'm not looking, he is up and about phoning people about odd things. Thankfully my very wise, loving family and friends have twigged almost immediately that all is not well in our home at the moment. The next minute he is the invincible and the hardly-done-by innocent at war with The System..who are apparently out to defraud us of everything!

he is mucking about with cash from our business to the point where he cannot even find the change bag for our daily use at the shop. He is phoning estate agents for who knows what!

This sort of Life can suck...big time! When the wheel turns so fast you are dizzy and made sick from the unexpected jolts as the brakes are applied and then released without warning.

Somewhere inside my husband lies a deeply disturbed and angry man who wants to be a hero but feels powerless to be so.

Inside me right now is a deeply hurt and frightened wife who is being forced to lead where she's never had to lead her family before.

There but for the Grace of God go I.

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