Friday, December 07, 2007

the slow descent into madness

my husband isn't improving.

He is not hyper euphoric anymore though. Now he is garbled, confused and my father and brother have become "The Enemy".

At every opportunity, some diatribe escapes my husbands lips inferring or directly referring to my immediate family members.

Today I was accused of having "Jewish Heritage" because "The Jews..." according to my husbands deranged thinking... "control the safes". But he then follows this with "But, I'm not racist!" and wants to give me a hug or a kiss.

I'm finding it very hard to love him right now.

I know that it is the illness that is creating this rage but it still isn't appropriate or excusable for him to be so horrible towards the people I love. I cannot give him the affection he craves because the viciousness that lies inside of him repels me.

I feel very caught between a rock and a hard place. He is sort of capable of working but at the same time I think the pressure on him at present is too great. He needs to stop and unwind.

The kids seem okay. They are rolling with the flow as kids tend to do. They know their dad is not himself right now. I shall try and instill in them that none of this is in anyway anyones fault. It's an illness, a chemical brain dysfunction; not their dad's, or mine, or especially their fault.

Oh but how hard this is. I seek deliberately every available opportunity to send him away out of the house. The likelihood of him being "weird" or doing something idiotic in public is very high right now, but still...if he's away from me I can stop shaking and relax. I don't have to be strong when he's not here.

I am so frightened of having to sleep next to him tonight. Weekends have been when we are more or less in bed at the same time for most of our married life. During the week I have usually slept alone while he is at work. This past two weeks has seen me crave the working week so that I don't have to be next to my man. How awful!

It's the rage in him I find hardest to bear. The pent up spew of hatred and paranoia that erupts from his mouth. He always was cruel and hard with words when he was/is angry! I have just shut up and said nothing when my husband was/is in full flight, dredging up past wrongs along with current ones with calculating and vicious ardour. It's best to be very quiet when he is angry and say nothing because you are NEVER allowed to win with him! I had my own tactics for quietly putting forward my point of view. Now even these are null and void as he can barely remember what he has said from one moment to the next.

He cannot differentiate between what are essential things to know and inconsequential details that mean nothing. Today he was convinced we needed a particular brand of leather conditioner to "treat" the vinyl footstool before it got "ruined". He was adamant I was wrong when I tried to explain that the stuff was for leather, not for vinyl. He's obsessed with heritage and family, money and permissions right now. These things are concurrent themes through all his manic words. My father and my brother are bearing the brunt of his anger and rage.... thank God from afar! Thus far!

Moment by moment I must just simply be. Flexible and ready for any action that might be required. I have no idea which is the best action for all. I can only hedge my bets and breathe a prayer in faith that I'm leading the best way I can.

Any positive vibes or prayers will be gratefully appreciated.

What to do? What to do? I so hate this having to make these choices! I feel like I'm alone at sea trying to strategically avoid an overly affectionate but unpredictable shark.

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