Today is a tough day.
I'm struggling within myself to cope with the mounting workload set before me. Not only that I am feeling completely crushed by the possibilities that lay ahead in helping my husband (I think I'll just call him Baz from here on in), towards wellness.
Bi-polar disorder is not an "easy" fix thing. You can't just assume that a pill will solve everything and all will be fine. It's a spectrum disorder of emotion and mind. It's treatable and that's all well and good but there's a fine line from day to day, week to week and month to month about where the "Optimum" level of treatment could lie.
I was prepared today by Baz's General Practitioner to be ready for a "rocky year". It wasn't encouraging but still it was pragmatic too. I'm not being blinded by the "Professionals" here into thinking everything will be completely hunky-dory next year. Of course there is the other likli-hood that things WILL be fine too but idealism isn't my forte today.
I just don't know if I can cope with my family, with the change to our business, and my husband's health issues. I want space, time and some freedom from this overwhelming sense of pressure.
There's so much paperwork to get done before our holiday. The phone bills on the home phone and my mobile phone will be enormous this month. I'm supposed to be "frugal" as we have no income but HOW? It's just crazy!
Depression and sadness are looming just around the corner of my own psyche. Joy and Hope seem distant and un-reachable. They are there of course and I know I'll find them again...probably very soon...but for today, it's hard to see through the clouds of doubt and despair.
Am I being selfish? Inconsiderate? Probably! I'm supposed to suck it up and be the strong one for now. Baz needs me and I need to be there for him for now. It's not that I don't love him...it's just that I don't love the disease in him! There's a difference. I feel smothered and entrapped by it - cloistered and chained.
Those bills still need to be paid though. The kids go to their end of year service tonight and I'm staying home to begin attending to these details. I shall pray after every transaction and cheque written, that replacement funds will continue to come in to meet the next round of payments.
Is this just about 'The Money'? Probably! With Baz not working and not anytime soon, I am terrified of having nothing left come January for my own holiday to germany. Yes! I am THAT selfish in still wanting to go there! In fact I am more determined than ever to get there...it's appearing on the horizon for me like an oasis in a desert of uncertainty and I am crawling towards it determined to drink from the well-spring of peace it potentially offers.
My family and our friends have been nothing less than extraordinary in their love and support. I am being showered by the good-will and generosity, both in spirit and financially of my dear ones. God seriously blessed baz and me with an extraordinary support team. They're His hands to us in our time of need. I am grateful and humbled and I can in no way ever repay these kindnesses.
I have been telling myself today over and over that there are many people doing it tougher and harder than us this Christmas. I feel grateful for small mercies but struggle with this sense of overwhelming distortion of perception and sheer worry about our future.
I just want my husband back.