Faith hasn't died in me.
Yesterday when I posted, I was shattered and lonely beyond belief. One of the hardest moments of my life was having to leave Baz behind me as we drove home from visiting him in the acute unit. Last night I sobbed and grieved as if he'd died and I wouldn't ever have him back. I still feel the residual sense of that sadness today although not as acutely.
God seems far away to me even though I still believe he has this all under control and is fulfilling whatever plans he has instituted for our welfare. What we perceive as being a painful experience in our moments is most likely viewed by God as a mere bump or bruise toward some greater goal. It hurts him too but not nearly the same way as it hurts us as he sees the bigger picture.
It's hard talking about my faith though right now. I'm a little confused too. There are options that I have to consider that may seem contradictory to the structure and outward expression of what I believe. There are possibilities that stretch the boundaries of my particular faith but would also make it impossible for me to effectively communicate these to other Christians without being judged as straying from my faith or stepping over to some "dark side" of strange nefarious new age thinking.
I want to consider them though. The goal is Baz's wellness and his health. Beyond that is the Greater Good. Anything that helps fulfill this mission and is in the best interests of everyone filling each one with love and respect is worthy of investigation and pursuit. Even if those things seem to be weird or not really under the strict boundaries of my Christian faith expression as we Lutherans understand those boundaries to be.
I have been cautious about expressing my interest in holistic methods of healing for Baz because it generally causes eyebrows to rise and stern frowns to creep across brows. It's "easier" to speak to non-Christian friends about my wanting to explore paths of healing that are not necessarily "Christian" in their philosophy or ideology.
It hurts to have to be like this. I can see why Paul wrote that no man/women can serve two masters. You're either for one or not. To be a Christian can seem extraordinarily stupid though when it comes to the kind of possibilities one must ignore or pass over just because they are not .... "Christian".
Then again...who says that modern medicine is ethically and wholly "Christian" either? Why would my Christian brothers and sisters applaud this medical, chemical model of wellness as being entirely the "right thing" for Baz and yet be shocked and appalled when I consider other less medical models of wellness that go to the heart of him and help him to explore his current state with minimal chemical intervention?
I'm not giving up my faith. As hard as it is right now for me to embrace it and be comforted by it I can't and I shall not give it up or forsake Christ on the basis that he feels distant in this moment.
He hasn't moved away after all. He is here with me. For the moment, I think perhaps that he is watching me stumble my way through this jungle of emotions, choices and changes in life. I need to grow to walk on my own emotional feet. God is not a crutch for everlasting broken limbs but a friend who sticks with you in sickness and in health. The Spirit brings Confidence which is the sum of experiences survived and challenges met.
Things will change. Just as the earth turns on its axis, my life will change. God will make those changes into opportunities for more changes. Nothing remains the same for very long. Growth is change. Life is about the steady rhythms of change. Baz will change and I will change - our kids will change. Faith will change. Only Christ will remain. He is the axis around which all things revolve.
Hope is believing that these changes will be good no matter how it feels at the time.
Freedom to believe is just that...freedom. Anyone who enforces a code of conduct onto another under some "rule" about what is supposed to be believed in does not understand love or faith.
The simplicity of Christianity is that the ONLY thing worth keeping out of all the human drivel that pads it is that "God so loved the world, He gave his only son that whoever believes in him should not die but have everlasting life".
This is my faith
...and it will do.
everything else is negotiable...even HOW Baz gets well.