Friday, October 12, 2007

the dance of relating


Dear Steve! :)

I am catching up with my overdue reading on Bloglines and Mr Pavlina has written a wee gem which has resonated with me quite strongly today.

Okay! A bit of background to why. :)

For a few weeks now I have been stressed out and frustrated by a few of my close relationships. There has been angst, anger, frustration, arguments and a lot of discord and disharmony in the relationships I hold dearest to me.

I had to do a lot of soul searching and inner work on MY responses to what was going on. It has been a tough but rewarding journey of discovery and growth.

You see, taking responsibility for our relationships is about OUR response to what we bring to the partnership. It's not about demanding or seeking gratification from the other person.

A lot of the angst I've been feeling was my own reaction to things happening. I felt like a huge chasm was developing between me and my nearest and dearest. I worked out that a lot of it is perhaps due to my tendency to live out the "What if's?". My reactions were due, in a large part, to my believing that what I imagined happening in the future was inevitable!

I still struggle to live in my Now!

Steve reminded me today that its how I respond in my Now that matters, not reacting to my future hunches.

Of course this is an analogy for life. When you’re obsessed with what’s going to happen next, you’re stuck in reaction mode. The terms of your experience are being dictated. You’re trying to control the future by tensing up in the present, and this knocks you out of authenticity.(Steve)

A part of living outside of oneself is to let go of Ego-based thinking, which is about the selfish desires and petty wants we all seek for personal gratification. A better path is to just allow to moment be itself for its own reasons without forcing any potential dramatic outcomes just because you've imagined they are possible!

When you stay centered in the present, you trust that your natural response will be just what you need. You remain authentic, allowing your creative self-expression to emerge without forcing it. (Steve)

By letting go of my selfish wants and panic and just accepting things as they are in the Now of my life, its been a whole lot more pleasant experience.

A lot of emotional pain could be alleviated within me if I could be more comfortable in accepting things just as they are. But, I am somewhat given to imagining the worst outcomes despite claiming I'm a "glass half-full" type! Perhaps I am not so much afterall.

I think maybe, that I imagine the worst case scenario in my most wanted relationships because a part of me believes its not that possible or allowable for me to have them! When we get to the nut of what we really think about ourselves...we often tend to harbour deep beliefs that we are really not that worthy/lovable/wanted/desired/pretty enough/able enough/capable enough/intelligent enough to be allowed to have such a powerful and wonderful relationship!

It's weird that!

Our Ego self demands and craves all that attention but then tells us we are completely and totally not worthy of it. We want it soooooo badly but then smack ourselves over the psychological wrists for even thinking that we are allowed to have it or that its naughty for us to want it.

It's that small me stuff again!

Over inflated Ego's are actually very very fragile things. The bigger the balloon, the thinner the skin and the tiniest prick will deflate it immediately...and often loudly!

I keep telling myself that I AM worthy of great and lasting friendships and that I AM worthy of being appreciated as well as appreciating. It is not as easy as it sounds for me though.

I react instead of respond in so many of my relationships. My emotional make up is so caught up in the cycle of dramatic reaction rather than flowing coherence. It's not about the other, its about me and therein lies the problem. If I would just let go of "me" and let the moment take over... there would be a world of emotional difference between the ones I love and myself; a calm peace and a better grasp of what constitutes Love.

No comments: