Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Outside me Inside me

Dave Pollard doesn't always do "it" for me but lately I find myself reading his blog again after a long hiatus.

This particular line in his "Sunday Open Thread" on November 4th triggered in me that lovely wee glow of desire for delicious self examination.

How does your public persona, the way you choose to project yourself to the world, most differ from your true self, your true nature.Why?


My outside self is generally friendly, self-deprecating, a little detached, a bit aloof, magnanimous,loquacious, giggly and a bit moody on occasion. I think I come across as a lot more organized than I actually am too. My outside self dresses practically, blockishly, understatedly. I "blend" in but with a few twists to be a little bit Individual. I am sort of ordinary but with these tiny flashes of "WTF-spontaneous-left-of-main-stream" un-ordinariness thrown in.

The more I try to fit my Outside me into the world, the more my Inside me is terrified of being abandoned, being victimized and being seen to be "dumb". I am also inordinately concerned with what other people think about me, summarizing my Self from what I think I see of me behind their eyes.

My REAL inside self is reclusive and very private. I live in an imaginary world most of my day with this internal ever-present conversation with my inner voice. Now that I think about it I probably seem like I am stoned half the time actually :) I assure you my demeanor is not chemically modified...I"m merely lost in the labyrinth of my thinking is all :)

My Inside me is sort of quiet in a way, despite this conversation I run constantly in the back of my mind. I am always scrutinizing, observing and analyzing the world around me - sometimes without realizing it. I'm generally trying out a strategy for manipulation of others, or merely because my curiosity demands I do the research. It's a kind of intense surveillance of the inner worlds of other people. I can forget their name, I can forget what they were wearing and I can forget what they order for lunch every day, but I rarely forget my impression of their persona and essential character. I usually make grand assumptions about people very quickly based on a lot of "unseen" data. I do this almost automatically without even being aware I'm doing it.

If my Inside self was to be expressed, I would most likely look like a really badly put-together hippie! :) I'd wear lots of really impractical clothing like designer stuff for an outdoor barbeque or frothy. silly stuff resembling handkerchiefs at the Opera! And I'd most definitely wear a lot of very low-cut, cleavage-flashing tops!

I'd wear yellow without being concerned that it made my face look sallow! I'd be into sitting on cushions with my legs crossed and I'd wear amazing jewelry I designed myself. I would listen to Alternative Rock (Oh! I already do! ha!), and laugh out loud at a lot of things most people take very seriously, without being "That" concerned for their feelings.

Notably, my Inside me hardly follows anyone else's rules but those I choose to follow. Any rules that do not serve my purposes are quietly bent, very much, out of shape by my subtle but profoundly indefatigable will. :) I am a sort of velvet covered steam-roller when it comes to things like that I guess! :)

You know, it's interesting but I just realized that for the first time in my life.. at age 45... my Outside me is very much closer to my Inside me than I ever used to be. I am finally beginning to integrate and becoming "true" to the self that I really am instead of being so terrified of being on the "outside" just because I feel so "different" to other people on my inside.

And I guess I'll change my mind about all the above at some stage! :)

We shall see.


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