the pace thickens

I have every intention of writing heaps of stuff about what I'm doing here in Germany but the days are filling with so many details and things and stuff and inspiration and walks that I find blogging the day at the end of the day almost physically impossible.

Sunday saw us travelling some 200 + kms east to the "new" state of Thüringen to a small village called Lebensgrün to visit with Martin's papa, Volker Spernau, or "Opa-mä" and to pick up R. who had been holidaying there for the past week.

Opa lives in a very old house. He's been doing it up over the course of the years. The houses in this region are very long and narrow as the blocks were built to be only 12 metres wide. So while the house is over 35m long, it is "only" 6m wide. It has a cellar, which is constantly damp and floods a lot, and an attic, which is commandeered by various family members as a viable source of long-term storage.

The old stable area down on the ground floor has been turned into a sort of curiosity shop, where Opa sells knick-knacks and oddments. The middle floor is the main living area with bedrooms, kitchen and comfortable lounge.

We spent a lot of time looking around the farmlet, walking down the slightly sticky clay soil and grass towards the back of the property where Opa is constructing a sort of garden. He also keeps a small mob of shy, shaggy sheep who ran the moment I stepped towards them.

The village of Lebensgrün is about 600 years old and while I didn't really get a chance to go walking through it to take photo's of the unusual houses, it was quite the pleasure to be in a part of germany that is off the beaten tourist track.

We then went to a lovely quiet little restaurant and although almost too late for lunch were offered two meal choices. I chose the vennison.

Sliced and swimming in a salty gravy with a tiny garnish of a lettuce leaf and a tomato on the side. A bowl of Klöße arrived. This dish is a typical Frankonian dish of mashed potatoes shaped into large dumplings. The Klöße is cooked, mashed and when sort of dry is then mixed with a special kind of flour or finely grated potato. Then it is shaped into balls and boiled again in salty water. It is thick, gluggy, salty and moreish.

We also had Blaukraut, which is basically red cabbage boiled in a way to change its colour to either a deep purple/blue or red. It too was salty and vinegar-like but incredibly tasty and more'ish.

We had Lebkuchen for dessert. I had bought a Lebkuchen Herz (Lebkuchen Heart) at a stall in the heart of the city a couple of days before. So on our travels home, we broke into it and munched happily on the slightly spicy, chewy texture of the Lebkuchen. It was quite yummy.

Sandra has suggested that we spend a day in my final week here, when she has more time to teach me how to bake Lebkuchen for myself. I'm hoping that we will get that opportunity. Might be a new bakery line for the shop back home huh? hahahaha

The countryside is beautiful here. The fields are so small though in comparison to home. I'd love to learn more of the different farming practises here but I guess I can catch up on that info in future visits as I become more fluent in the language and getting around by myself. Yes! I do intend to return :)

So since Sunday, Bat has taken me for a jaunt around the Hauptbahnhof in the centre of town. He knows it quite well having spent many years commuting for work. There are some building works going on there too so there is a whole "new" floor he has yet to figure out how to get around :) I will be catching the ICE back to Frankfurt from here come the 23rd.

We found the Post office too today, so now I've posted some of my postcards. I have to get some more actually and get them sent off ASAP too or I shall be home before they are!

Sometime this coming week, I plan to do some gift buying for family and friends if possible (if finances allow) and maybe do a seamail post back home to keep my luggage allowance under control. It means we have to wait until around May to get our stuff, but that's okay. :) Patience is a virtue is it not? *smirk*

I have even booked myself a visit to a beautician here who has set up a store practically 10 steps from the door of the batcave! She can't speak English and I can't speak German but we've arranged to take off my gel nail-polish which is starting to look a bit tatty around the edges. That appointment is tomorrow at 1330 :)

I also hope to go back to the middle of town tomorrow afternoon and see the Kaiserberg and other sights that I've not yet had to chance to go see. There is a toy museum to see and other general Museums etc...Oh my! So much to do!!!!! It's great to visit with friends but its so easy to get caught up in conversations at home rather than getting out and about. Because bat is visually constrained, its much harder for him to show me stuff like others would be able to, so its really up to me to venture out and be proactive with the sight-seeing stuff.

If I don't stop eating soon, I shall have a mammoth task to get my weight back down when I get back to Australia too! The gym will need to become a high priority I think once home again. :)

Some days I want time to slow right down to the pace of a snail so I can fit in a life-time of experiences into this three week window. It's a bit frustrating having to sleep really but yeah...I am pretty much exhausted come 2100 in the evenings! Bat then makes me sit up to watch DVD's with him.... he is the night owl sort it seems!

Today, we are all off to see Flocke, the new Eisbär (polar bear) at the zoo. Then we plan to go out to a restaurant to eat schnitzel mit pommes :) I so love the food here! *sigh*

You can find my photo's of this trip here

Even the doggies go shopping.

I got up late again today. The cave is very quiet and dark and the light doesn't really penetrate until it is well after 9am.

I always kick myself when I lose daylight time. There seems to be so much to do and see and yet I find my mornings sliding gently away with little tasks and pleasant conversation.

Rushing may not be in my best interests really. I hope to come back to Nürnberg so it's not like I'm going to miss seeing any of these things again. :)

I walked all the way into the heart of town today. Left bat - still snoozing - at around 12:30pm German time, packed light and easy. I wore a few more layers today thinking it might be quite chilly. By the time I'd walked 1km though, I'd removed the raincoat! hahaha The scarf remained firmly around my neck for most of the day though.

It's surprises me how compact everything is here. It's probably only a couple of kms into the centre of town. I enjoyed the atmosphere and the sights as always.

I enjoyed another Nürnberger for lunch and a Brezeln with salami. I also tried a small cone of hot chips called "Kartöffeln" with a curry ketchup sauce on them. Absolutely delicious. With this kind of food, I am sure to gain weight! Interestingly, I see very few grossly overweight Germans here. Most are of average weight for their height. Despite the heavy high carbohydrate foodstuffs available so readily, the people seem to be fit and healthy...at least on the face of things.

I bought a few things but being on foot was conscious of weight so was careful to go small and light. The main shopping centre seemed to be rife with sales - my kids would be going mad with greedy delight in the shoes and clothes shopping that could have been done today! ;) I was so tempted to buy, buy, buy for the family back home but I was actually reasonably conservative for a change. The family gift buying spree will perhaps come later.

I had to smile at the dogs that were prevalent throughout the whole shopping precinct. People apparently like for their dogs to go on shopping trips with them. The doggies were on leashes of course and all were behaved and socialised. They were even allowed to enter stores with their owners! No tying up doggie to a pole outside like in my town! I never saw dogs inside food shops but I had the interesting experience of seeing one with its owner deep inside the confines of a busy clothing store, it enjoying being feted upon by the staff!

The street performers, clowns mostly, all seemed to have a dog a a side-kick. The dog seems to be a strong element of Nürnberg culture! Even bat talks a lot about getting a dog of his own.

We had visitors to the cave tonight. Dominic came to discuss a new "Ecliptic" plot with bat for their August 08 meeting. Ecliptic is the Live-Action-Role-Playing group that meet about three or four times a year. It's based on a Startrek theme and the group develop the story of the Starship Ecliptic, its crew, the adventures they undertake with all the fervour of Paramount Pictures!

We ate another common take-away food here called Döner Kebab. Just around the corner from the cave is this great Döner takeaway. We ordered the chicken ones. Dominic had something a bit different. A typical Döner is made of a roasted, marinated meat, shaved, served with mixed vegetable salads and a tasty mayonnaise. It's really messy but really yummy too! Later we ate our Eisbärdonuts, which were little bear face donuts, complete with a marshmallow nose and some gooey, chocolate fudgy stuff in the middle! I'm so getting fat! ungh! The food is just way too good!

The blokes are sitting over the way here deep in planning now. I am surrounded by the aural sounds of german conversation. My own german language training is getting a good deal of practise this past few days. I have even been congratulated for it by the lovely folks in stores, who learn of my foreigner status.

This place is really getting under my skin. I'm loving this city! I will miss the energy here. I feel very much at home in some ways but in others it's all strange and new. When I have better German it will be even easier to make my way around I think.

Wandering and Wasch

I got up quite early today. Spent some time chatting with folks back home over skype and generally just getting into the day. A light brekky and shower and then a short trip to the local laundromat just up around the corner.

I really struggled to figure out the machines there. To pay meant going to one corner of the building and actually putting in the number of the washing machine one was using and then paying the right amount into the vending machine. I chose the large machine as I decided to take quite a bit of bats washing as well. I figure I might as well pull my weight seeing as they're putting me up for three weeks.

That's the great thing about making friends over the net. You get the kudos of being able to go to far away places and not have to pay a lot for accomodations :) Still! It is polite to try and contribute something back...so I opted to be washgirl.

The dryers took ages though. Every 12 mins I'd have to put in another 50cents Euro just to get them going again and you couldn't put in more than one coin at a time which was rather inefficient I thought!

I read a bit and sat on the big comfy couch they had there for patrons and also shouted myself a hot tea with lemon from the hot drinks dispenser! Marvellous really even if the tea was sweeter than I usually have.

The afternoon was the coldest I've experienced thus far. Bat and I went for a walk to the U-Bahn and he showed me how to get around using this form of public transport. Then we caught the train to the Hauptbahnhof and got off to walk the rest of the way through to the centre of town.

Nuremberg is a lovely place. There is so much that I find beautiful in terms of the architecture and the sculptures that litter the pedestrian ways here.

It doesn't feel "old" here. The town itself has this sort of freshness about it. maybe it's because its all so new for me. I don't get a sense of the ancient and wonderful history of this place quite yet but I do know its here. It's obvious in the church buildings and the streetscapes that the place is old but at the same time I feel a strange sense of newness about Nürnberg.

The town was almost flattened during World War II and has been meticulously rebuilt to reflect its historical significance and character so that may account for my feeling that it is "New" here rather than very very old.

The crowds were quite large. I thought the CBD in Melbourne was a crowded and busy place but that seems sparse in comparison to the density of humanity that roamed the cobbled streets in the heart of Nbg today. It will be interesting to see what it's like tomorrow when I venture out by myself to see the Haupmarkt that happens every Friday.

As long as I can find my way back home again on the U-Bahn, I intend to roam around the town again taking as many photo's as I can while the light is good. It gets quite dark around 4:30pm for taking good photo's.

I ate a ridgy-didge "Nürnberger" which is a small bratwurst sausage sandwich. Absolutely delicious! Then I bought a big "Brezeln" which is a kind of bread shaped like a pretzel. I got one with Camembert cheese and butter! Oh my giddy aunt!!!! YUMMY! I shall put on all the kg's I've lost at this rate!

I find I get tired very quickly in the afternoons. I'm not sure if its because I'm missing one of my medicines I normally take for asthma (I discovered the box was actually empty in Bangkok airport. Silly me for not checking all my meds were actually inside their packaging before leaving!), and I'm in a state of withdrawal; or if it is still a bit of jet lag or if indeed, it's just the higher than usual concentration required to understand where I am and what I am doing! It could be it's a combination of all three I guess.

The cold here isn't nearly as intense as I thought it would be. I have actually dressed a lot lighter than I did earlier in the week and find it a comfortable balance between indoors (which can be very dry and warm), to outdoors. Today was probably the coldest I've been so far.

Yesterday, when I had just completed some grocery shopping, I watched a hail storm come pelting down outside the exit door to the Supermarkt. I haven't seen a good solid hail storm for some time. It lasted for about 5 minutes but the hail stones were already beginning to melt within a few minutes of it ending. I've not yet seen snow here.

I'm about to fall asleep on the keyboard here. Cu tomorrow maybe.

February 3rd 2008 was 36 hours long!

I have arrived!

Yes! I am late posting this as I really "lost" most of my Monday here to sleeping.

The trip to Germany was long, and exhausting. Many times I thought to myself, "Okay! I'm done now... can we turn around and go home please?" I spent most of the time in transit being absolutely terrified of what might/could/would/was going to happen.

Melbourne Airport was okay except the last shuttlebus from Ballarat to the airport arrived rather too early for checking in so I lugged my heavy suitcase and carry on luggage around the airport for a few hours. Once I found out the check in gates, I sat myself on a chair and just waited, reading and people watching.

Check in was a surprisingly easy affair and I had no problems going through getting tickets or going through customs with Preciousss! :)

I tried to sleep on the plane to Bangkok but it was so cramped in our seats on that plane, my hip ached a lot. I think I did doze but in a sort of awake kind of way... totally aware of everything happening around me, despite the earplugs and eyecover I was wearing :)

We arrived on time in Bangkok and I entered the stage of my journey I had been dreading the most. A 7 hour stopover in Suvarnabhumi Airport

I felt so lost and small there. The building appeared reminiscent of a gangly and spacious octopus with these tentacles that wandered out from a central core. Each tentacle was made almost entirely of glass and steel so that you could see outside. Outside was grey and overcast and the sky was heavy with the portent of rain.

Once I found the departures section, I wandered about there for an age in a hopelessly lost state. I could not see the connecting flight showing on the information boards and I was a bit panicky after a couple of hours that I may have perhaps had to move to a different airport to connect to my flight to Frankfurt.

I found someone who spoke reasonable English in the First Class lounge for Thai International Airways and she confirmed that a gate number had not yet been assigned to that flight so I would literally have to wait until it showed up. I was relieved to a point.

I went back upstairs to departures and found a cafe. I had purchased about 100 Baht in Australia thinking that that would be HEAPS of cash to spend. It cost me around AU$10.00 for that 100 Baht.

I bought one cup of tea! It cost me almost my entire 100 Baht!!! So now I couldn't even afford to buy water unless I went and did an exchange at vast expense! I opted for going thirsty! But I won't do that again in a hurry...next time I will spend what ever it takes to get WATER. I got seriously dehydrated in the next 20 or so hours of travelling as a result of that decision.

The gate number appeared on the board and like a rocket I went straight for it and went through customs with my carry on luggage thinking that I could just wait in a comfortable lounge on the other side!

No so.

Embarrassingly, I was about 5 hours too early to wait for my flight and now I was stuck on the other side of customs in a large rather empty and forbidding hall with nothing much to do but sit and wait. I tried to read, I tried my computer with some small success at connecting to the internet, I tried to sleep. By the time other people started to arrive for the flight, I was in some kind of weird zone of not being able to think inside my head. I could only just note things and let them slip past me inside my mind without too much consideration. Exhaustion was setting in.

I did smile when it finally rained. The rain streamed down the outer shell of the clear tentacle I was inside and made the effect like that of being enveloped inside a blanket of water. The air temperature was already cool inside the airport but it dropped quite a lot after that rain.

Some lovely german people arrived and I spoke to them briefly in my halting German to confirm that I was indeed at the right gate for the connecting flight.

We waited and waited. Delay!

We boarded the plane about half an hour later than scheduled. The flight was full! At least it seemed like it was.

Oh to be wealthy enough to easily justify and afford first class travel! What I would have given in that next 12 hours to be able to stretch out and just relax into sleep. To no avail. Uncomfortable took on mammoth proportions! The plane was slightly more spacious than the one I travelled on between Melbourne and Bangkok but still, there was just no way I could find a zone for sleeping comfortably and effectively.

The hours drifted by nonetheless and I guess I just spent most of them in a kind of surreal zone of brain-dead survival. The coming three weeks had better be worth this pain and endurance! I am totally glad I have lost a lot of weight, I feel very sorry for larger than average sized people who have to travel on long haul flights like this...it must be absolute torture on their bodies.

We arrived in Frankfurt only about 15 mins behind our sheduled arrival. I left the plane a bit apprehensive about the forthcoming "grilling" I had expected from German immigration! The guy just took one look at me, stamped my passport, waved me through and I just had to go find my luggage after that! I was stunned!

It took me an age and a lot of walking to find baggage claim! I basically just went to the carousel that had the largest number of people around it and looked for faces I recognised from my flight! :) I waited for my luggage with some trepidation hoping it had actually managed to get onto this second plane! It arrived! I think I squeaked "ES KOMMT!" in German when I saw it come out of the luggage chute! A bloke beside me went "Huh?" hahaha

I half expected to have to have all the plastic wrapping taken off it by some official and the contents perused, but as I went to go through an exit there was no one at the desk at all. I had nothing to declare but still, I was dubious about just walking out , but a lady passenger just said "Go through, it's okay".

So there I was. In Frankfurt Airport having somehow managed to circumnavigate a vast variety of apprehensions I had expected and dreaded.

Now I had to find bats wife who, with her best friend, was to pick me up from the airport. I found a german "Treffepunkt" ... a specially marked Meeting Place and sat. My mobile phone then rang which surprised me! It was bat saying "WHERE ARE YOU?"

I was "I have no idea!"

I stayed put and the next thing I saw S. and R. turn up. Hugs and tears (from me) ensued. I was so relieved.

They very kindly bundled me into the car and I was whisked out of the range of the airport. We stopped at a petrol station so I could go to the toilet and S. showed me the ticketing system they use for public toilets! We realised only slightly later we had entered the male toilets instead of the womens! *giggle* The cleaner guy was shaking his head at us and smiling at these strange women! hahaha

I think I actually slept in the car better than I had for the entire trip thus far. R. drove at the speed of light (about 210km an hour on the autobahn) but it felt so safe and okay. I just relaxed into the spirit of the occasion and felt totally at peace.

I met bat in the flesh for the first time. It was... well... it was very moving for me. Expectations met and assumptions unmet.

But I have been tired this past day or so. Totally jet-lagged so I really didn't do much my Monday except eat a bit and chat to my daughter in skype then go back to sleep.

Today, I felt energised and ready to explore this new world I am currently in. I walked the streets of Nuremberg a little today just soaking in the difference in the buildings and style of things I am not used to. I even went supermarket shopping by myself for the first time with everything kind of similar but oh so different too.

A lady in a bakery even congratulated me on my rather limited German which I managed to speak to her...effectively telling her I was from Australia and didn't know much German! :)

Today has been a good day. I made german scrambled eggs and bacon for my breakfast, bought bread and some stuff from the bakery, went grocery shopping up the street, window shopping down another street and have laughed and chatted with my dear friend (when he finally woke up that is)!

Tomorrow, I shall venture out a little further as I orientate myself to the streets and directions here. I hope to explore the Hauptmarkt by Friday ...and find a laundromat to do my laundry! :)

Cu tomorrow maybe.

Almost ready to trip and trade

What a week it's proving to be!

I'm in the final throes of organising my forthcoming trip overseas to Germany and will be heading off this coming Saturday.

I leave behind my dear husband and kids to fend for themselves for about three weeks.

*gulp*

On top of this, DH will be opening our business up again for trade at the new premises early next week! I won't even be here to see that small milestone!

We have been married and in business together for 18 years! Life seems to be in flux and spinning us around as if we are on a wheel! I never expected, in a million years, to be travelling at the same time we'd be changing our business location.

I could have perhaps post-poned this trip but that costs money. As it was, it cost a bucket load of extra cash to change our planned flights to Darwin we missed out on over Christmas.

I weighed up if I should perhaps change my timing for going to Germany but have decided that under the greater scheme of things, it's more efficient and economical to just go and do it and then come home ready to put in a solid effort into making a living for the rest of the year.

The kids...and hubby... are going to survive! :) it IS only three weeks!

Whether I will survive is quite another question *gulps again* I am having travel dreams now, mostly stressing out over my stop-over in Bangkok of all things. I'm sure it will be fine, but those 5 hours flopping about in an airport terminal have a mysterious, thriller-esque quality to them that is making me feel a little squeemish to say the least!

The days from now until Saturday are picking up speed exponentially. Technically I really should be on the PC in the other room sorting out a lot of paperwork and I'll do that shortly. I need a shower too! It has been very dirty, dusty work today moving stock and general "stuff" from the old shop to the new. Bakeries are not the cleanest places truth be told. We do our best to keep the dust bunnies at bay, but there's only so much flour one can remove before the next haze has settled again. It just goes with the territory of foodservice, that there will be a balanced choice made between keeping certain things scrupulously clean and what other things can be safely left another day.

But! Looking at the new shop today I am quite proud and pleased. What has been accomplished in a matter of 8 weeks is nothing short of astounding! In a bizarre twist, Baz's illness has forced our hand and made us get things happening that have been so slow in coming for the past 4 years to date! That time out over the new year has given us a window of opportunity we'd not have had if we'd been still trading from the old shop!

Sometimes, God uses the testing times in our lives to make other necessary stuff happen! :) For this providence I'm particularly grateful, even though I won't get to experience the newness of it for a month or so.

Understandably, baz is very nervous about using the new oven, but I personally think he'll fall into the work again like a duck to water and fall in love with his brand new shiny oven as well by the end of next week. :)

I've packed and re-packed my poor suitcase trying to keep it under maximum weight allowance. Danged hard you know when one is travelling from very hot to very cold weather! How many thermal underwear vests does one need do you think? My suitcase seems to be mostly laden with hardware like chargers, mini discs and shoes, rather than actual clothing! I just hope German opportunity/thrift shops are abundant if I am a bit light on with the warm clothing :)

So anyway, trepidation abounds on all fronts here. Excitement and terror mixed together like an explosive cocktail of delight and/or anxiety. I suppose it will be perspective that chooses the resulting flavour.

Wish us all God speed and Bon Voyage into our future. :)

a fine romance

Now, I realise that this will sound a little silly really, given that this sort of product has been around for quite some time now; but, I've fallen totally in love with iTunes!

I've used iTunes sporadically for a LONG time! But have not really done a whole lot with it as such other than listen to iTunes Radio stations! Today I "discovered" some of the audio treasures available in the iTunes Store and bought my first download from there! A fond revisit to some of my favourite music from my early 20's :)

Of course, now all this has me writing a wishlist with the view to acquiring "new" music in times to come :)

I have downloaded music off the net before but never from iTunes itself as such. I recently acquired the new Radiohead album direct from their site and it neatly slotted itself into iTunes without any help from me! :) I think that kind of simplicity and synchronous deployment is just beautiful in tech huh? :) (Yes! I paid a fair price for "in Rainbows" thanks. No guilt here on nicking someones' hard yakka!)

Along with Preciousss here (my MacBook), iTunes syncs beautifully with all kinds of media.

Uploading CD's from our collection to iTunes over on the PC was always a bit of a tedious process, clunky and not very efficient I thought. Here on the Mac however, it's simplicity plus! The Apple guys just know how make things WORK without the stodgy, frustrating and convoluted stress! It's quite simply a revelation for me!

In the past day or so, I've easily uploaded upwards of 60+ CD's, with a fair few to go too :) It is proving to be a fun and edifying process. I am now going to be able to listen to music I don't often to get to hear, other than in the car!

Between the personal CD collection and the amazing variety of sound in iTunes Radio, music takes on an other-worldly dimension unmatched since the advent of the first sound recordings!

So, Okay? Now I AM blushing! I get it now maybe! hahaha

addict?

A very few of the people here in my first life are questioning if I have become addicted to Second Life.

I possibly am.

It has been holidays more or less for us since the beginning of January...at least it was for the first two and a half weeks. I indulged my hobby in that time and spent a great deal of time building and talking inworld. It was a lovely cathartic and enjoyable space for me.

First Life cannot and will never be superceded by Second Life.

As I said, Second life is an extension of ones First Life, not a replacement!

Flesh, blood, reality, physicality, face2face, meatspace: whatever you want to assign to First Life, Second Life will never match it on those levels at all.

Besides, it is busy again now as we get sorted on setting up the new shop. My hobby will be relegated to the odd hour here and there in my day, once more, while First Life responsibilities dominate our days.

No biggie!

I confess to being a bit cross with the well-meaning folk who suggest that I am "losing it" on this one. That may or may not be a symptom or sign of addiction, I don't know; however, when was someone last chastised for playing golf, or sewing, or scrapbooking, or simply playing?

Is it because it's on a computer that my hobby makes it less acceptable?

Yes! I agree that computer addiction possibly exists and might be a problem and a threat - even though research is suggesting it is perhaps more a compulsion based on underlying emotional issues within the individual using the computer than on the tool itself.

You might want to suggest I am also "addicted' to food too! And if I have a glass of wine, I could be lumped by some into the "alcoholic" box!

Addictions are prevalent yes! Some people are susceptible more than others. If I am one of them, then let me come to that realization and choice myself. I am perfectly aware of how much time I spend on my computer. I am also perfectly aware of how it can affect my loved ones and my objectives in First Life. I will balance these things accordingly.

A computer is more than a box of neat tricks. It is a device to think with. I don't care much for what goes on under the hood, but I care very much about what it delivers to me in terms of human contact, information and ideas, and creative expression.

THOSE things I AM addicted to!

half way through a lifetime

Yesterday... 22nd January 2008... I had my birthday and turned 46 years old.

I am, to all intents and purposes, halfway into my life!

What I have been and where I am going is my unique stamp on the world. *I* have created impact on this planet just by virtue of my being here! Everything that makes up who I am is cause and effect for some other "thing" that happens - then, now, to come!

Chaos rules the bounds of structure in time, place and person after all. What *I* do to... and what is done to *me* is every bit as important as waves, earthquakes, winds and weather!

I live ON this planet and I engage WITH it along with all the other multitudes of life that exist here. Separate but not indivisible really under the *laws* of Creation.

My "goals" for the coming half of my life to its end?

Freedom!

Intimacy!

Solitude but not isolation!

I think...at this moment anyway...that I want a life that is unbound.

I want the freedom internally to be myself without constraint either by my own or others choosing.

I want amazing CLOSENESS to certain people from my past, in my now and in my life to come. A closeness of soul, intellect, emotion and physicality. I don't want to be beholden to these people out of obligation or ambiguous societal notions of morality...but I do want to be connected to them out of Love and selfless interest. I just want to LIKE and LOVE the people I like and love! No obligations, no expectations, no justifications or imposed beliefs required.

I think I am called to a solitary life... not necessarily what you might expect though. A solitary notion of inner being more than a physical reality as such. I MAY indeed become "solitary" in my physical environment! That is common in people who enter their twilight years anyway but I don't expect it right now of course.

What I mean is, I think I am by nature and by intent, within my natural temperament, to be Solitary inside of my being. An inner core of gentle calmness within the self-state of supra-consciousness; one that is neither overly confident but nor is it undermined by notions of self-deprecation or "smallness". It is a state of self and one that can be shared with others in proximity. It is not so much about being alone but it is about the comforting reassurance of quiet self-company! A state of inner Grace that is not aware of itself... it just is.

The first half of my life was learning how to master my Machiavellian narcissism born of my fears of abandonment and rejection. I am a hyper-follower wanting to be my own individual self but also fearing to be rejected for that very thing! I just always wanted to "fit in".

Now I know I don't have to anymore.

I crave Solitude away from the group mind, because I as I grow older, I see so very much more clearly, how effective I am in my work if I am unrestrained or unhindered by the expectations of that mind!

As a balance to this though, I suspect I will always battle with the dichotomy between being Team orientated and group focussed and that craving to respect and indulge my Solitudinous instincts!

I believe that I will be a very different person in this next half of my life than from the one I have been. For good or ill, I don't know!

QYB

Why I stopped called it "Real Life"

Up until recently, many of my posts in regard to the similarities and differences between the virtual world of Second Life and the life I live in my physical environment have been differentiated by two phrases; Second Life and "Real" Life - SL and RL.

I have since revised this to First Life as opposed to "Real Life". SL and FL

My Second Life is every bit as "real" as the other life I lead.

I have a "home", a place to rent, friends and places to see, things to do in Second Life which to all intents and purposes are just as important to me as the friends, family and things I do in my First Life.

My First Life is charachterized by its physicality. I need to eat, sleep, engage face to face with family and friends, neighbours and bank managers. I need to get the washing done and the toilet cleaned in order for that life to be enjoyed and lived positively as and when it counts.

My Second Life is characterized by its enduring visual appeal and communications. In Second Life, there are people to meet, friends to discuss issues with, new things to learn, places of interest to create and see. I don't "need" anything in Second Life that isn't directly related to 1) creative expression 2) other people or vice versa!

I've said it before and I will keep repeating it. Second Life is an EXTENTION of my First Life. It is neither a game, a mere past-time or a singular "hobby". It is every bit as important to me as the meeting I attended at my local church last Tuesday evening in my First Life.

Just as sewing is important to my mother, Second Life is important to me. Sometimes it might be perceived as an "escape" from the First Life "realities" of existence in this corporeal form of Human. But, most of the time it's simply a different expression of my creative and social nature AS a Human.

My SL won't replace or supercede my FL. But my FL is infinitely richer and more rewarding because of my SL.

jane austin genius

One of the things I promised myself on hearing I was "going blind" at age 25 was to read as many of the classics of English Literature as I could before I died.

I have no where NEAR accomplished even a 10th of this promise... even though I can proudly claim to have read both the Iliad and Homer's Odyssey! (Please don't ask me to tell you the plot, I got completely lost in the first chapter of both books! Too many gods, too many ships and too many silly men!)

I have never actually read any Jane Austin books in full. I have always been a little cynical of romantic literature despite a passion for M.M. Kaye and H.R. Haggard and P.C. Wren (ahhh Beau Geste! What a tale that is! *purrs with pleasant memories*).

I have seen quite a few movie adaptations of Janes work though and have thoroughly enjoyed them all.

There is a new modern variation on the JA theme coming to the cinema's at the end of the month. I hope to catch it either at the cinema or on DVD. I am positive I will enjoy it very much.

The website for the movie has this intriguing introduction.

Jane Austen is famous for her spirited and independent characters. Today's world may be far removed from Regency England, but we're still as preoccupied with the complexities of marriage, friendship, flirtations and social manners and mores as Jane Austen's characters were at the turn of the century. Take The Jane Austen Book Club quiz and learn which character from the film is most like you.

so true!

We are exactly that! Preoccupied with the complexities of all relationships both First Life and Second Life! It's our inherent nature to strive for that constancy of Love in our lives.

It strikes me though, that most of our striving is about "us", our SELF: the ego-centric capacity for reciprocated love returned. Maybe this is a cynical belief about the narcissistic nature of most people. We are, of course, quite capable of empathizing with and sustaining relationships based on altruistic love for the other but I believe these kinds of relationships are rare and of course extremely precious.

Most day to day relationships are more about me-It where the "you" in that equation is more an object rather than You. This means that what I gain from you as a person is an objective sense of reward of some kind be it emotional, physical or material. I am in it for whatever gains I might find appealing to my sense of worth. Some of us don't progress very far from our baby-hood in our innate belief that the Universe revolves entirely around our Self!

Our sense of survival runs so deep within that our complex emotional and social makeup, physiologically as well as spiritually demands we do the best we can to "get along" with people to the best of our ability in order that we too get the pay off that that may bring! That we CAN empathize with others is a remarkable gift of human evolution and/or Divine Creation! We can intuit and scan the emotional inner horizons of others and relate to their way and state of being and loop into that mindset, reciprocating those same emotions and joining with them in an empathetic dance of mutual understanding beyond mere physical survival. We can only ever hope to have that same level of attention paid to ourselves by others.

Love IS a kind of essential food group! It is rare for a person to eschew genuine love. We are nourished and sustained not so much by the food we eat as the love we share. The operative word being "Share" here. We give what we get and we get what we give! Sometimes we must give it forward and sometimes we can give it back. It's not a two-way thing is Love - it's a viral thing, spreading OUTWARDS beyond the initial conduit of its development.

Long ago, Ms Austin appears to have instinctively and intuitively understood the inner drive of human beings so well, she documented them in stories that have become modern Aesop's Fables of sorts. These stories still to this day, fully resonate with the common traits of all human beings across centuries. Its not about what we DO - its how we go about doing it that counts.

Second Life as a study in social dynamics

Second Life is seductive, addictive and intimate. It is jolly good fun.

Like Odysseus wanting to heed the Siren's call even as he was strapped to the mast of his ship, I find myself caught between the call of Second Life with its sheer fun, play, friendships and inspirational ideas and the sludgy entrapment of my First Life world with its mundane "duties" and other such responsibilities.

A scene in The Matrix describes how the human being is essentially being used as a "battery" for a vast machine. Our bio-electrical chemistry can be harnessed to generate a sordid, mechanical, austere, hard and blood-thirsty "life" on a post-apocalyptic planet despondent with darkness and barrenness of soul.

The humans who flee being a mere conduit of power for the hungry machines, endure vast hardships in order to remain "free".

One of the characters, Cypher, tires of this hard life and snitches on his fellow compatriots, in exchange for opting out of this life of drudgery and fear and reverting into being a battery again where his body is plugged back into the mainframe but his mind is fed this wonderful imaginary, completely seductive and beautiful "Reality" of existence. He wants to BELIEVE he is a powerful, sexually potent, wealthy and beautiful character inside this imaginary tale, fed into his brain by the machine, which itself, feeds off him.

Second Life has the potential to do the same for many people in this current life we know. We would rather enjoy the freedom inside our imagination even while under physical duress and stress than deal with those stresses and responsibilities in our first life for real!

That is a dark and rather alarming prospect but seriously? Why would ANYONE want to struggle for attention, affection, understanding and admiration in this life when these things are so easy and exciting to grasp hold of in Second Life? The allure of virtual worlds is the escape from the mundane after all.

Second Life is fundamentally about creativity and relationship. We can have either or we can have both. We can be as creative and as imaginative in our expression of our skills and abilities as we want to be... AND/OR we can create the Tribe we want to be with; one which promises to meet our emotional, intellectual and even to a point, our physical needs for intimacy and connection.

I've mentioned before that you can choose to be anything you want to be inside Second Life. You can create a persona that you feel "best" illuminates (or even hides) the true essence of your first life persona. If you choose not to use the voice facility this makes it even easier to create yourself into whatever you perceive yourself to be. You are the hero/heroine of your own story! It may write itself but you control the depth of that process.

As society fragments and we each become more and more isolated physically, in our first life (A recent report into population projections for households in Australia suggests that by 2026, 15.3% of our population will be living in lone households*), virtual worlds will play an increasing role in maintaining our need for social contacts. These contacts will begin to take on significantly more meaning over time to the point where cyber marriages and long-term cyber relationships as a whole, will become increasingly recognized as formal social alliances. The raft of political and legal implications in this trend will be enormous! The new world order of virtual community will begin to create a major impact on physical real life community. The cross-over will be ubiquitous, chaotic, and increasingly difficult for governments of all kinds to control or organize.

This will have both advantages for individuals and also, I believe, gross disadvantages for other socio-political reasons. Not everyone who uses SL is ethical or looking for connection with other like-minded souls...the ability to manipulate people in a virtual world is every bit as real and as potent as it is in FL - and much harder to recognize!

Still! Second Life right now in its toddling first steps as a "new" social paradigm, is effective in transcending time, place, gender and identity. It gives the world a new way of perceiving the Self, the Other and the "Us" of relationship and expands the possibilities of creative process and endeavor.

So while my sense of organization and order in my First Life is being severely undermined by my tendency to engage inside Second Life: while my FL bed stays unmade, my FL work is in a sort of stasis, my FL world is in this rather dreamy, sluggish, meandering mood of summertime laziness; I am compelled and drawn to escaping into another world of my own making and design...the world of my imagination assisted as it is by software and technology.

FL is simply boring at the moment! On the other hand...my Second Life is awash with energy, burgeoning friendships, creative pursuits and even "real" work of sorts (manipulating prims IS hard work you know! :)).

I could not give a fig about the bed I sleep in or the food I eat or the dishes in the dishwasher (hey? at least they are actually IN IT!)... just let me tweak trees and shrubs into position in "my garden"; talk to H and M, the Major, dear Archer and my virtual Landlord in conversations that energize and feed me in so many unspoken ways.

Second Life and the myriad of virtual worlds that are already available to people are here to stay. There may be darkness on their horizon but it won't be any less frightening that the cruel darkness of mundane responsibility we potentially face every waking moment of our First Lives.

(* cited from http://pandora.nla.gov.au/pan/48723/20050812-0000/acsr.anu.edu.au/APA2004/papers/7C_Jain.pdf)

update for rita

... some people have very generously come forward to express some concern for "my" well-being this past week due to the fact that I've not posted for awhile about baz's progress and health. This post is to those people with my gratitude :)

All is ticking along. :)

I am fine and am rather enjoying the down time for a bit while the weather is so intensely hot outside.

Baz is enjoying the down time snoozing in front of the tele and awaking to realize he has missed whole sets of The Hopman Cup! *giggle* He is sleeping a lot and I suspect that that could be a side-effect of the medications he is currently on.

He is calm and mostly reasonable but also a little "closed" too, but that is okay for now. We are both regrouping and finding our centre again after the emotional onslaught of the past month.

I still admit to feeling distant from and somewhat angry with him but its more muted now. I just want him well enough that we can start earning an income. As I have taken charge of some of the financial decisions in our family of late, it's hard to feel very confident that we will be looked after financially as I see our small cash supply slowly dwindling on everyday living expenses.

A part of me keeps saying "The money will come!" and indeed I know it will. I have given up being just too worried about financial outcomes and am learning to allow things to happen as they will and must. A rather large account from the accountant will need some negotiation on payment terms though. S'okay, we will survive :) We have incurred a few small personal loans from family and friends which we will pay back with interest in due course. Money is a fine blessing and a terrible curse. When we place too much emphasis on it it tends to distort what blessings we do (or don't) notice.

The new shop is coming along. We have probably one of the most blessed gifts anyone in this situation could be given and that is the gift of dedicated and helping friends. Our closest friends are stepping up and filling in where we cannot or dare not and its amazing what has been achieved in a couple of weeks with their determination and enthusiasm. If the new shop had been left to me to organise on my own, it would never have gotten this far! I have absolutely no idea about painting, "bogging", cutting in and cabinetry. Thank God for handy friends eh? :)

The kids are taking it all in their stride. It's school holidays and being the self-obsessed teens that they are, they seem to be skirting around this past months life-glitch with equanimity.

I'm still planning on leaving for Germany on the 3rd of Feb. The kids will most likely have the rudest shock of all with mum being "on strike" for nearly a month. It IS time they learned that the dishes don't wash themselves and that clothes need to stay folded in order to look good when you want to wear them! The iron is not just that heavy, odd-shaped thing in the cupboard... it's USEFUL and sometimes necessary!!! hahaha! We will see. The mother bird is tossing her babies out of the nest now and MAKING them fly all by themselves! It's time!

Even if our business isn't officially opened by the time I leave, at least baz will have his leisure to get it set up and slowly discover his love for his craft again in due course. When I get back from my trip, we will do the big public Grand Opening splash :) I am looking forward to doing that! I LIKE doing public awareness campaigns! hahaha :)

Time is ephemeral right now. There is the hint of pressure but it is sort of far-away and has this weird, warpy feel to it. Things feel slow and a little bit dreamy. Not really urgent...not even overly "important" even though there are many things that are!

I feel well though. I am excited about my forthcoming adventure and I am content within myself. Life is flowing without having to push and shove just too hard. I guess that shoving will have to come in time and I WILL work hard this coming year as and when I must. In the meantime, I'm kicking back and letting the flux of change go around and around while I stay centred in the hub and enjoy the view.

Resolve

Dear Alexys tagged me for the current cyber-chase game around New Years Resolutions.

I was honoured but also a little chagrined too. I don't put a lot of faith in my NYR's. Most of the time they're mere wishful thinking and not concrete objectives at all.

It's all well and good to say one is going to "lose" 10kg but its quite another to give up the very foods that helped you gained it in the first place! :)

So... I am only going to "half play" this game today. I am not going to post the special box with all the other bloggers notions and protestations on NYR's. Nor am I going to tag anyone new for this game. I AM going to explore what it is that I resolve to do with my life as I see it from this end of the year 2008.

First of all I resolve to be more loving. It's actually quite difficult for me to be a genuinely loving person. I hold myself back from demonstrative loving behaviour, unless there are two conditions involved; a) I have known the person/s for some time b) I believe them when they tell me in word and/or deed that they love me too.

I'd like to be more genuine in the way I love. To love more outrageously than I have in the past. I'm not sure its possible really. It's a scary idea.

This isn't about "love" in the erotic sense of course but the other vast varieties of love that exist between people. I want to be able to genuinely LOVE people without the cautious barriers, the cynical undercurrents of suspicion and guardedness. I want to love people just because... and attempt to let go, a bit, of that cool distance that so protects me from being wounded.

So what else is after that?

Not much really.

There is NOTHING in all time and space that can compare to Love. It's all there is in the end.

In this crazy, mixed up, frightened, disastrously abused world of ours, I reckon just the resolve to BE more loving is about as much as anyone could ask for in a year. Everything else I get done is gravy :)


With Love comes Peace.

With Peace comes Joy.

With Joy comes Hope.

With Hope comes Faith.

With Faith comes Love again.


PS... if you have a blog and would like to join in the game properly (unlike my very half-hearted effort here), then I encourage you to cut and paste the section from Alexys posting on the subject and go for it :)

Dreams of 08

Today, New Year's Day 2008, I am reminded of a kind of "dream" I had quite some months ago.

In a series of moving pictures inside my mind (It was a kind of lucid dream I think) while sitting at the PC across the room here, I imagined the following thing.

An old fashioned racing car, coloured green and emblazoned with the number 08 on its side. I couldn't find an accurate image of it but the one shown here is very close to how I imagined the car.

Now that it is "08". I am rather strangely and suddenly reminded of this image.

Was it a portent of some kind? At the time of the vision, I had no idea what it meant and it was mixed in with a bunch of other images too that flowed from one to another. Of course my memory of that dream is now disjointed and I have forgotten some of the pieces to it but certain elements stand out clearly.

Racing into 08?

I'm not sure. To be honest, I do believe in the potential of dreams to provide a forecast of the future. The Old Testament is rife with this kind of oracle of the prophets, through whom God told his people, in imagery, what lay ahead. Interpretation though, in this current age, isn't easy though; we seem to have lost the ability to understand and translate visual symbols for ourselves without clever and energetic Hollywood editing!

The elements in this racing car are surreal for me. For one thing I do NOT know anything about historic f1 racing vehicles and have not really followed the history of this sport. Why I should dream of this specific type of vehicle is strange. I will say that I have always liked the "shape" of these older f1 cars better than I like the shape of current f1 cars!

The colour green is my favourite. That deep, rich emerald quality green that is strong but not violent. I feel best when I am surrounded by the depth and richness of this colour. To me it has clarity and strength even while it reminds me of the calm peace of nature. Diamonds are beautiful but seem cold and heartless against the depth of a true emerald.

The number 08: Well my only hunch is the fact that today is the first day of 08 like I said! Why this is important is anyones guess. I do suspect that this coming year will be a very full year of many delights and challenges...but then most years are like that eh? :)

And so I am left wondering and not a little perplexed as to why this image, of this weird little car, has come back to me this day.

What do I intend for this coming year anyway?

* I intend to travel and am booked to fly to Germany this coming February. For the first time I'll meet my friend Martin and his family face-to-face instead of communicating over the net :) Am I nervous? Not really! It should be a fun month. Its close to two years since we met on the Genius Workshop and its not often that you stumble onto quality friendships that can go the distance.

* We, as in baz and I, intend to work on his wellness and health. The main thrust of this will be to establish an Action Plan that we can have ready to help him in the event of any further mania attacks. Of course, prevention will be our key priority.

* We also intend to open our new business premises so that baz has better working conditions and hours. The old premises is now shut permanently. I'm trying to organise some financial assistance from the bank to cover ourselves while we're not generating regular income. We expect to have the new shop up and running within the next couple of months. Even while I'm away for three weeks in February, baz will have time to make the shop work for him, first time, without the pressure of having to actually produce product too. If we get it open before I leave...then that will be good too. He is really looking forward to being back and doing what he was put here on earth to do...making great food :) (Some people fall into a career that is such a good fit for them they are a genius at it...my baz is one of these lucky people)

* One thing I do want to do this coming year, but which terrifies me even more than spending 5 hours in Bangkok Airport... and that is to figure out what exactly I SHOULD be doing with my writing! There is this gnawing desire deep within me to write "something" that would make a difference. To say I'd like to write a "novel" seems inordinately silly. I am terrified of the concept and all manner of excuses why I CANNOT do something like this immediately come to mind.

As a wife, mother, and business owner, my time and energy is split in many different ways. To find time to write and to enjoy the writing process can be frustrating and even draining. Frustration is the writer's biggest motivation killer!

I KNOW there is a story inside of me there somewhere! I just wish it would magically appear into the prefrontal cortex of my rational brain, so I could just get it out through my fingers onto the digital page!

When it comes to writing, I am no technician... I'm shocking at really polished writing as readers will attest. At best, I'm probably more the raw, emergent type writer as coined by Dave Pollard recently ... (I am still blushing about that :)). The writing just "comes" when it wants to without any help from me.

* I intend to keep up with my German language lessons. I'm getting better at being able to pick up the language I hear spoken and reading some of it but I totally SUCK at being able to construct and say my own sentences! It's very frustrating but I don't want to let this hiccup beat me. I suspect that if I can ride over the top of this challenge, it will click soon enough and I'll finally be able to say what I want to say without getting it "wrong" all the time!

Though it's hard to predict what the coming year will bring, I find myself a little apprehensive about it. Usually I am quite hopeful and positive about the coming of a New Year. I have always enjoyed the pleasure of starting afresh on a new page so to speak. However, this coming year seems to weigh on me a little today. It feels sort of "heavy" with unknown pressures and difficulties. It's a perspective I do hope won't continue for long.

Focusing on these rather gloomy feelings will only make me notice those occasions that occur this coming year where these feelings fully resonate, so my aim now is to consciously place my focus on the good moments I experience in this coming year and to savour them with attentive, in-the-moment joy.

The goal for 08 then for me is "Notice the Joy of your moments".

World Island

Was watching one of those National Geographic Channel doco's before on Megastructures.

This one was about the construction and development of another artificial "island" resort complex built specifically for the tourist market...the very wealthy tourist market... off the coast of Dubai. Similar to The Palm island resort built at vast expense a few years ago.

Years ago this sort of thing would have excited me no end. I'd have been awed by the scale and complexity and the sheer "genius" behind the concept.

Now my heart is filled with concern and dismay that human beings yet again just do not get it!

We keep pillaging and ripping nature apart all for the sake of providing that which only a very small percentage of the worlds population will be able to actually use.

From the rocks needed to reshape the entire coastline and to create an artificial reef around the structure so that the violent and sudden storm surges don't "wreck" the island sanctuaries inside the circle; to the special marine quality sand that was required to make the islands themselves - how MUCH of nature did the very wealthy Shah have to destroy in order to make this altar to the tourism dollar?

Apparently... it was "only" a mere US Fifteen Billion dollars worth!

How idiotic are we to assume that we can keep doing stuff like this?

The potential of changing all manner of ecosystems, like ocean currents, marine biology, water quality is yet unknown for such strategies....but can we afford NOT to know them?

What IF merely redirecting the force of the oceans power onto the coast of these Arab nations changes the patterns for weather and ocean currents so that we have yet more drought, more cataclysmic monsoonal rains and mud-slides, more erratic and changeable conditions around the world that affect food production and poverty?

What IF taking rocks from one place creates a bewildering array of biological and ecological "conditions" within the place where those rocks had thus far spent aeons, that literally caused the onset of other bewildering B & E conditions like the fall of dominoes?

What IF the world economy crashes in the next decade thereby eliminating or at least significantly reducing that expected influx of money into Dubai's coffers? Who will pay then?

In my youthful naiveté I would have thought this project a wonderful thing. With maturity and wisdom, I am beginning to wonder if mankind will EVER learn that we cannot keep messing with nature just for the sake of it!

shoes

I confess to being somewhat an accessory-aholic. I'm not sure if women are genetically wired for shoes and handbags but there is something inherently satisfying for me in the facile hunt for these items.

It's "Boxing Day".

In Australia, this day is becoming synonymous with Hyper-Consumerism. It is a day when people swarm by the multitudes to the big name stores to "grab a bargain" with whatever cash they have left over from the pre-Christmas purchasing madness.

It never ceases to amaze me that, for the amount of money expended in the two months lead up to Christmas morning, an equally enormous amount is spent on the day AFTER Christmas day. It's quite a phenomenon!

Of course, the lure of the Boxing Day Sales is to get goods at vastly reduced prices where ever possible! No one is content to pay full price for any item on this day...it is strictly about trying to "Score the bargain".

Today is the first Boxing Day that I've ever attempted venturing out on a shopping "spree".

How much we are conned in this actual consumer process is anyones guess. How the giant corporations can actually afford to sell stock at such "reduced" margins is a little frightening really. There are probably some complicated formulae to do with volume and mass-turnover I guess, that makes it all viable, but still, the fact that they can literally do this stuff like this is still kind of alarming really!

So what does this have to do with shoes?

I could have bought a hundred pairs of shoes today. I could have been enormously proud and pleased to have "scored a heap of bargains" in the process! I didn't. :) Go me! hahaha

I did take notice of an awful lot of shoes instead. Not just shoes on groaning sale tables but shoes on feet. Women's feet in particular. I noticed an enormous array of footwear from ridiculous sky rise 15cm high heels to the equally ridiculous flimsy flip-flops (otherwise known as "thongs" in Aussie jargon).

The range and quality of footwear is as diverse as the people that wear them. It's amazing how people treat their feet!

It was a fun experience really for me. The shops were absolutely bursting with bodies and people, and they all had different shoes on. Some followed current fashion trends but for most, it was obviously about what they felt comfortable in and could wear easily during "The Hunt" for those bargains. Although, I have to confess that wearing vertiginous heels on an escalator seems like shopping for a broken neck!

We did purchase a few things of course. Mostly gifts for others and I bought myself some cool books I am looking forward to reading.

Blind Faith by Ben Elton

Skinny Bitches by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin

Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

I'm expecting the last book in that collection to be the one that really challenges my perspective and point of view about a lot of stuff to do with people and relationships! I have high hopes for this read! :) I'll keep you posted. The print is disgustingly small in it though, so bear with me as I slog my way through it.

The Ben Elton one, I'm saving for my plane flight to Germany in Feb 08! *grin*

Addendum: In a cute, synchronous twist. About two hours after posting this, my Daughter and I went to see the new movie "P.S. I love you" at the cinema. Okay movie but I did laugh outright when it featured shoes! You gotta love that! :)

Safety, Trust, Intimacy (Security).

A lovely bloke in Second life has been a big support this past week as I hid away from the pressures of my current reality and found solace inside my virtual world.

I went seeking company.

The irony is that I can very well seek the company of Real life friends and family here at home. I can visit flesh and blood people in their homes, or places of work and pour out my heart.

I have done that.

I have done plenty of that. I have poured tears and pain onto the shoulders of loved ones, wetting their clothes and causing their brows to furrow in concern and empathy. I have been supported, loved, honoured, protected, encased, endowed and lifted by the real life love of others.

So why would I seek to deny myself some more of that attention and go looking for it in a 3D cartoonesque landscape with impossible constraints in my ability to hug, hold, sob and be caressed out of this personal pain?

Because inside Second Life, the dichotomy between privacy and intimacy is defined and solved... exactly.

We all know the experience of telling a stranger our life story! Caught up on buses, trains, in planes, on boats or at large communal gatherings! You meet someone and somehow for whatever reason, you find yourself so drawn to them, you admit past sins, current failings, pain, sorrow; story after story of your past, your present and what you hope for in the future. You feel free to express all this and it even surprises you that you can so easily in front of someone you do not know and expect never to know well unless you exchange addresses and phone numbers of course.

We rarely engage with those same people beyond that first dramatically intimate conversation though. Even when we exchange personal information, it's difficult to justify taking it to the next step... toward the mutual intimacy of repeated friendship. Once we spill our guts on the first meeting, it feels somehow rude to keep up that relationship.

Safety. It's just about safety. Keeping things private and still all the while being able to be intimate.

This is what Second Life does for people. Except with a twist of extraordinary proportions. It's a shift in communication protocol for many.

Second life allows people to remain completely and entirely Anonymous and yet affords them the ability to become completely and entirely Intimate as well. One can speak to strangers, receive virtual hugs, be gently (but virtually) 'held' by another real life person but via a platform where both real life people can keep their identity very very safe.

Trust is synonymous with safety. You cannot trust without being assured that you are kept safe.

Many people who come to second life are looking for more than just an escape from their private first lives. They want CONNECTION AND INTIMACY.

Sometimes seeking that in their first life is a tedious, painful, terrifying process. As my friend Dave Pollard says in this post... people are judged by how they appear. We do it so instinctively in our first life we aren't aware of how much we alienate others from expressing their truth just through our infinitesimal reactions to their overt appearances.

If we don't' feel safe...we rarely if ever trust. If we don't/can't trust...then we rarely if ever achieve the intimacy we so desperately crave.

The twist to Second Life that is so extraordinary is that you can merely add that other person as a "friend" to your friends list. They keep their real life identity intact. You do not ever need to learn where they're from, what they actually do, who they really are; you just have their SL name. You can see if they're online in world (if they choose for you to be able to do that), and you can reconnect easily with them any time its convenient.

You can choose to engage some people in voice and some in text and still others in both forms of communication simultaneously.

Safety.

Trust.

Intimacy.

No wonder, some people become addicted to it. In Second Life you can be whatever you choose to be. You can hide. You can be "yourself". You can be an essence of the real life "self" you think yourself to be. You can retain and keep your personal identity entirely your own and yet still find enormous affection, warmth, friendship, honesty and incredible depth to the relationships you form inside this world.

Its so much EASIER to be open and share your soul when you know you cannot be judged for your packaging.

It's so much EASIER to relate to others one on one in a peaceful environment of sunshine or starlight when you don't have to wonder if you have food stuck between your teeth or why they just looked distracted when you were telling them about some embarrassing story from your childhood.

Second Life may seem "unrealistic" and may seem to lack "integrity" but that isn't always true. Integrity is a double edged sword. Integrity in real life with real faces, real bodies, real tears and very real, very discomforting habits is much, much harder than finding integrity and subsequently, genuine intimacy, through relationships in this anonymous virtual world.

Once deep trust and intimacy is established, Second Life affords people a way of moving toward more personal connections beyond the virtual environment if they both choose that. It is paced accordingly as people become comfortable with the progression of these new relationships.

Of course, unhealthy, codependent relationships are also found in this virtual world. This is probably the biggest "problem" with such a platform as Second Life. Damaged people of both genders who fall in love too much, too soon with people they assume they have gotten to "know" in world.

Yes! They might know them very well but it's important to keep perspective even so. Second life is fantastic for making new friends but I would never recommend permanent online relationships inside of this world without first acknowledging the move past anonymity to their real life physical identities. After all, nothing can really replace First Life for the Security of enduring, reality-based relationships!

The bloke I spoke to in world this week, gave me the gift of being there for me when I needed a safe place to let go and be "myself" without having to bare it all.

I am so thankful for surprise gifts like these.

sunshine breaks

It's been a surreal week this week.

Tuesday evening saw me absolutely devastated that I had to decide if we could actually make it for our fully booked and paid for flight to Darwin. I decided at that time to hold off and wait.

Wednesday evening saw me alone and afraid and a poofteenth shy of implosion myself. It was only thanks to friends and Second life I was able to wrench my attitude and self from sinking into the "Dark night of the soul".

Thursday dawned, after two days of very minimal sleep, the drapes drawn and the world essentially cut off unless it was absolutely necessary to engage with it.

I was feeling surprisingly very well within myself Thursday. Despite the lack of sleep along with the heavy sense of foreboding and gloom, things felt somehow different. A friend came and helped with a bunch of welfare paperwork I had to get done. The decision about Darwin was still in limbo but at long last I felt very comfortable with the Either/Or arrangements. Good news about some small financial windfalls from our Tax Dept. brightened my outlook considerably.

That afternoon, I went shopping and bought baz a gift for christmas. Something I don't normally do. He's getting an iPod nano (shhhh!). I also sorted some stuff for my forthcoming trip to germany in Feb 08. The paperwork went smoothly at Centrelink.

I was given the most humbling experience of my life in being granted a hamper from our local Christian Emergency Food Centre. We've donated product to this place for years never expecting we'd ever be recipients of the service but it is deemed that we are worthy being small business owners who are currently income-less.

I feel a little bit guilty I guess...after all, I did just spent a weeks worth of grocery money on a frivolous "toy" for my husband but hey? What goes around comes around. It kind of feels a bit like being "paid back" for the years of generosity. I'll not complain. We'll pay it forward soon enough.

Spoke to baz on the phone and it was the first "normal" conversation I've had with him in well over a month. He sounds almost himself again and it was such a pleasure to be able to laugh and enjoy his good humour and wit again after such a long period of "crazy talk". His speech is a bit slurred and he is very heavily medicated right now. Hopefully, we can ease back in time to a place where the meds work at a comfortable and manageable level. I'm pretty much convinced now having lived through this that this is a genuine physiological illness and as such isn't "just" about someone who is simply highly "creative" and a "genius".

Bipolar Disorder in the Mania stage is a beast. An ugly snarling animal caged inside the body of a human being. It takes over their mind and rules their every function tossing reality aside like an empty tin can. It shows no mercy and its only claim to any right for existence is that it makes a person "More" of what they already are. Thing is...when a person is so much "More" than they normally are... they cease to be the people you know and love.

We pray of course that we'll never see the opposite of this Mania in baz though too. Another beast of equally horrible and dangerous proportions. Depression so vast and so encompassing as to rot a person from the heart out.

So anyway, I got all the bookwork done for our business and it felt good to have much of that stuff sorted and dealt with. Even though it was quite late when I finished, I still spent a long while in Second life again, just talking with new friends and it was good. Didn't get to bed until after 0130 this morning though. I was actually quite "wired" after my good day and thought it would be hard to go to bed but I slept well. It was a bit cute that as I went to get into my bed, I discovered our dear son, JD curled up under the blankets with the air conditioner set to the "Overnight Freeze" setting. I made him get up and go to his own bed :)

The decision was made as I got into my bed. My heart told me that the Darwin trip we'd planned wasn't going to happen... this time. I've subsequently postponed the journey to Easter next year. We are disappointed of course but it has proved to be the best decision for everyone in the final analysis.

Sunshine breaks through the seething storm clouds of dismay. I turn my face toward it and bask in the warmth of its golden glow; soaking up its healing light and being reassured that always after rain comes the rainbow of promise.

the small things

Today I am weary.

Today I have hardly begun to attack my mounting To Do List.

Today I am hovering betwixt Heaven and Hell.

Second Life was "Heaven" this morning (...and well into the afternoon). Today I danced and lounged in the company of fine people who cared for me and paid me attention. It was gratifying and edifying and I shall treasure these folk for the rest of my born days for their lovely, gentle, supportive generosity to me this day. Thanks H. Thanks B.

My real life is a kind of amorphous "Hell". I stand on a wobbly platform between having to decide if I can take the kids on our summer holiday to Darwin to be with my sis and her family for Christmas or if we have to can the idea out of necessity just in case Baz is discharged (or discharges himself) from the acute unit within the next week or so. There are no real supports that we know of yet in place to channel his manic energy if that should happen. Technically, he is nowhere near well enough to even leave the acute unit but he is also "borderline" and quite capable of making his own decisions. If he was deemed to be "well" enough to be discharged while we were in Darwin, then where would he go and with whom would he stay. Until one is faced with this, one will never understand the limit to where friends and family boundaries can be stretched. Baz is too fragile, too vulnerable to another bout of extreme mania if he were to be left alone to fend for himself without support of the cloister of the acute unit! He may NOT leave over the course of the next 14 days, but who knows! No one can tell. Hence my dilemma in having to make a decision that impacts so many lives over a "simple" holiday travel plan!

I grieved last night over this. It seems so cut and dried for some people! "If it were MY husband in hospital...I'd not be going to Darwin!" etc etc. It is never what you assume it will be until you actually have to live it. This seemingly "simple" choice isn't so "simple" for all manner of incidental reasons and its been hell having to grapple with being comfortable with the "Either/Or" thing.

We still yet might go! I don't know!

My heart tells me we won't even so.

We shall see.

Beyond that dilemma, I just want to shut the world off. The light globe has blown in my overhead light here in the bedroom where I now spend a lot of my hours with Preciousss here to keep me company.

It's as if the burden of having to "do" is just too great at the moment. I have a bazillion things to get organised in any eventual scenario, but I cannot seem to find the wherewithal or the vigor to actually start anything.

I've hit a wall.

Not quite Depression but something almost near to it. A yearning to retreat, to hide away, to pretend that my life isn't so "horrible" or as ugly as it appears.

Thank God for Second Life. Just when I thought that my avatar 'Mikele' (There! Now you know my name), would never see inworld again, she has found a haven for spiritual and emotional rejuvenation; a sort of virtual hibernation with a social face on it.

It is here I can wallow in self pity or be captivated by the scintillating pleasures of other minds and faces. I can be objective about my personal drama, stand just a little off-stage and direct it some; it takes the edge off the pain.

I sound like a prat! But yes! For me this is hard. Anyone would quietly expect that a wife would just suck it up and endure because she's expected to do that...to be the tough and loving nurturer. I'm not even sure I'm wired for that shit!

It's hard to stay "in love" with ones husband who has a manic mental illness. I am reminded often by counsellors that I "still love the man but not the illness". I'm not sure I even KNOW who the man is under that illness anymore! He has been taken over by some entity with malevolent designs. I don't see baz under the cloak of sickness...not the "real" baz! Where did he go? How long has he been gone? I don't even KNOW the answers to those questions! When did all this happen?

Let's not go the way of the Guilt here! I know all about the Guilt. I'm "supposed" to just "love" him! But how can I? I don't even know him anymore to know how to love him! Is staying here and being with him on actual December 25 going to demonstrate my capacity for "Love" of this man? How the fuck do I know?

So yeah! I am having a all out pity party here. I'm sorry! I'm not brave. I'm not a martyr or a saint or some earth mother sugar goddess with special powers of courage and fortitude. I am selfish and disheartened. And I now swear like a sailor to boot!

Throw me into my virtual world and let me forget for the moment what it is to feel like this. It's such a little thing but oh so incredibly safe right now.

if you want to love me...this is how

Be calm with my drama.

Be honest with me about my weaknesses but also gentle in how you tell me of them.

Give me lots of warm attention.

Flirt with me but don't force me to engage sexually just because I tacitly "agree" to the flirtation process.

Show me your clever side. I am inspired by intellect and wit.

Show me your intuitive side. I am enamoured of perceptive wisdom.

Tell me with your words what you admire in me.

Tell me with your touch how much you like the person I am. I am always open for a hug and a warm embrace.

Give me space to let my mind wander vast distances but gently call me back to reality when its time to be real again.

Enjoy my laughter.

Give me a shoulder to cry on when I am stressed and afraid.

Don't be afraid of my tears; I'm more afraid of them than you will ever be.

If you need space to be alone then tell me; Don't leave me wondering if you still want to know me at all.

Help me UN-glue sometimes. I'm so into my doing coherence thing I can get a little too stuck for my own good and everyone elses.

Honour my Faith and my beliefs without scoffing or judging them.

Let me WHINGE sometimes when the pressure is too much. It's how I release the angst...I sound off and will be a bucket of poo about some things ...but just smile and tell me you love me anyway. I WILL get over it - I promise.

Touch me softly, often. Smile at me with your eyes. Caress me and hold me. Love for me is a physical entity all its own.

Talk to me intelligently about any number of new things. Stretch my mind to reach further and discover more. I am energised and sustained by the possibilities.

Let me cook but you don't need to actually like or eat what I cook. Just show you appreciate the effort I made because I love you back. My disappointment that I couldn't feed you won't last but my joy will be profound if you do enjoy what I prepare for the table.

Let me nurture you sometimes. Let me BE that silly "Mother Goose" who frets and fusses after your welfare. It soothes me to honour you this way. It feels like "practical" love.

Let me love you back. Completely, wholly, deeply and as passionately as I want.

See? I told you I was simple!