half way through a lifetime

Yesterday... 22nd January 2008... I had my birthday and turned 46 years old.

I am, to all intents and purposes, halfway into my life!

What I have been and where I am going is my unique stamp on the world. *I* have created impact on this planet just by virtue of my being here! Everything that makes up who I am is cause and effect for some other "thing" that happens - then, now, to come!

Chaos rules the bounds of structure in time, place and person after all. What *I* do to... and what is done to *me* is every bit as important as waves, earthquakes, winds and weather!

I live ON this planet and I engage WITH it along with all the other multitudes of life that exist here. Separate but not indivisible really under the *laws* of Creation.

My "goals" for the coming half of my life to its end?

Freedom!

Intimacy!

Solitude but not isolation!

I think...at this moment anyway...that I want a life that is unbound.

I want the freedom internally to be myself without constraint either by my own or others choosing.

I want amazing CLOSENESS to certain people from my past, in my now and in my life to come. A closeness of soul, intellect, emotion and physicality. I don't want to be beholden to these people out of obligation or ambiguous societal notions of morality...but I do want to be connected to them out of Love and selfless interest. I just want to LIKE and LOVE the people I like and love! No obligations, no expectations, no justifications or imposed beliefs required.

I think I am called to a solitary life... not necessarily what you might expect though. A solitary notion of inner being more than a physical reality as such. I MAY indeed become "solitary" in my physical environment! That is common in people who enter their twilight years anyway but I don't expect it right now of course.

What I mean is, I think I am by nature and by intent, within my natural temperament, to be Solitary inside of my being. An inner core of gentle calmness within the self-state of supra-consciousness; one that is neither overly confident but nor is it undermined by notions of self-deprecation or "smallness". It is a state of self and one that can be shared with others in proximity. It is not so much about being alone but it is about the comforting reassurance of quiet self-company! A state of inner Grace that is not aware of itself... it just is.

The first half of my life was learning how to master my Machiavellian narcissism born of my fears of abandonment and rejection. I am a hyper-follower wanting to be my own individual self but also fearing to be rejected for that very thing! I just always wanted to "fit in".

Now I know I don't have to anymore.

I crave Solitude away from the group mind, because I as I grow older, I see so very much more clearly, how effective I am in my work if I am unrestrained or unhindered by the expectations of that mind!

As a balance to this though, I suspect I will always battle with the dichotomy between being Team orientated and group focussed and that craving to respect and indulge my Solitudinous instincts!

I believe that I will be a very different person in this next half of my life than from the one I have been. For good or ill, I don't know!

QYB