Wednesday, December 19, 2007

the small things

Today I am weary.

Today I have hardly begun to attack my mounting To Do List.

Today I am hovering betwixt Heaven and Hell.

Second Life was "Heaven" this morning (...and well into the afternoon). Today I danced and lounged in the company of fine people who cared for me and paid me attention. It was gratifying and edifying and I shall treasure these folk for the rest of my born days for their lovely, gentle, supportive generosity to me this day. Thanks H. Thanks B.

My real life is a kind of amorphous "Hell". I stand on a wobbly platform between having to decide if I can take the kids on our summer holiday to Darwin to be with my sis and her family for Christmas or if we have to can the idea out of necessity just in case Baz is discharged (or discharges himself) from the acute unit within the next week or so. There are no real supports that we know of yet in place to channel his manic energy if that should happen. Technically, he is nowhere near well enough to even leave the acute unit but he is also "borderline" and quite capable of making his own decisions. If he was deemed to be "well" enough to be discharged while we were in Darwin, then where would he go and with whom would he stay. Until one is faced with this, one will never understand the limit to where friends and family boundaries can be stretched. Baz is too fragile, too vulnerable to another bout of extreme mania if he were to be left alone to fend for himself without support of the cloister of the acute unit! He may NOT leave over the course of the next 14 days, but who knows! No one can tell. Hence my dilemma in having to make a decision that impacts so many lives over a "simple" holiday travel plan!

I grieved last night over this. It seems so cut and dried for some people! "If it were MY husband in hospital...I'd not be going to Darwin!" etc etc. It is never what you assume it will be until you actually have to live it. This seemingly "simple" choice isn't so "simple" for all manner of incidental reasons and its been hell having to grapple with being comfortable with the "Either/Or" thing.

We still yet might go! I don't know!

My heart tells me we won't even so.

We shall see.

Beyond that dilemma, I just want to shut the world off. The light globe has blown in my overhead light here in the bedroom where I now spend a lot of my hours with Preciousss here to keep me company.

It's as if the burden of having to "do" is just too great at the moment. I have a bazillion things to get organised in any eventual scenario, but I cannot seem to find the wherewithal or the vigor to actually start anything.

I've hit a wall.

Not quite Depression but something almost near to it. A yearning to retreat, to hide away, to pretend that my life isn't so "horrible" or as ugly as it appears.

Thank God for Second Life. Just when I thought that my avatar 'Mikele' (There! Now you know my name), would never see inworld again, she has found a haven for spiritual and emotional rejuvenation; a sort of virtual hibernation with a social face on it.

It is here I can wallow in self pity or be captivated by the scintillating pleasures of other minds and faces. I can be objective about my personal drama, stand just a little off-stage and direct it some; it takes the edge off the pain.

I sound like a prat! But yes! For me this is hard. Anyone would quietly expect that a wife would just suck it up and endure because she's expected to do be the tough and loving nurturer. I'm not even sure I'm wired for that shit!

It's hard to stay "in love" with ones husband who has a manic mental illness. I am reminded often by counsellors that I "still love the man but not the illness". I'm not sure I even KNOW who the man is under that illness anymore! He has been taken over by some entity with malevolent designs. I don't see baz under the cloak of sickness...not the "real" baz! Where did he go? How long has he been gone? I don't even KNOW the answers to those questions! When did all this happen?

Let's not go the way of the Guilt here! I know all about the Guilt. I'm "supposed" to just "love" him! But how can I? I don't even know him anymore to know how to love him! Is staying here and being with him on actual December 25 going to demonstrate my capacity for "Love" of this man? How the fuck do I know?

So yeah! I am having a all out pity party here. I'm sorry! I'm not brave. I'm not a martyr or a saint or some earth mother sugar goddess with special powers of courage and fortitude. I am selfish and disheartened. And I now swear like a sailor to boot!

Throw me into my virtual world and let me forget for the moment what it is to feel like this. It's such a little thing but oh so incredibly safe right now.


Sarah said...

Mitch, I just came to wish you Merry Christmas, and read your latest updates. I am so sorry - I had no idea things were.. well, how they are. I wish I could be there to give you a huge or make dinner or something. How are the kids coping?

I wish I knew what to tell you about Darwin. Part of me wants to say, "just go". I am sure you and the kids need it. What if he isn't home by Christmas? But I can also understand the reasons for not going too. I don't know what I would do.

Please know I am thinking of you and praying for you all.

Michelle said...

Awwww Square! You are so sweet. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart for your kind words of encouragement.

I wish you were here too, just to talk and drink a glass of wine together and reminisce over the old days online when we "only" had little kids to worry about and fat bastards to seek and destroy! ;)

You have a wonderful christmas and tell your husband we'll get him a pizza pie again someday :)

love you