Camel was a sensitive if a little moody by nature. His temperament was so predictably unpredictable as to cause his friends and loved ones to merely roll their eyes when he went "off" on one of his usual tirades over something very small or stood there, all steel and ice cold "Told you so!", when something big happened in the world.
Camel was smart in most things, there was no doubt about that. There was one thing though, at which Camel was decidedly stupid and that was in the area of understanding his true motives about things. In this field of endeavour he was decidedly dumb as the hump on his back! He could never really tell WHY he chose to go in this direction or that he just went there.
Luckily for Camel, he seemed to kind of strike oasis gold on most occasions but for the most part, it was pure luck rather than any determination on his part to get there. He just strode out into the desert, mumbling about his lot in life and when his friends asked him if he'd brought the Map, he'd go "What map? Where is this map? What do I need a map for?" in dumbfounded and blinking hysteria.
Camel made lots and lots of promises to himself that he would get a map and choose his next journey with great deliberation and careful planning and make sure he covered every detail and angle. He rarely kept those promises to himself. Instead, after a tiff with a friend, or a tangle with an oasis vine leaf, he'd stride off in a great humpfy mood into the hot, scorching desert and thus find himself a little lost a few days later and rather confused as to how he got there!
His friends decided after one such long desert spell that Camel best learn how to get organised and calm down and match his grand promises for once. So, instead of going out to reassure poor, lost and confused Camel each time he'd strode out into the desert too far, they left him alone a little bit longer each time he did this bad habit. No rescuing, no reassurance and no directions were to be given. He had to learn the hard way for once how much of a burden he was being to everyone else with his crazy impetuous and self-centred practise of just diving into the desert without a map after some emotional upset over nothing much!
Camel was all hot and bothered one day over some minor misdeed of one of his closest companions. He felt all bereft and abandoned and isolated and in a real downer of a dump, he departed into the hot blazing sands to get away "for a bit".
"Where are you going?" said his friend who neither understood or fathomed what on earth she'd done to make Camel so flustered and emotionally distraught.
"Somewhere where there's someone nice to me!" said Camel moodily and then humpfed off without any sense of which direction he was supposed to take. His friend shrugged and went off to do her own thing, thinking softly in her mind that she cared a great deal for Camel and it would be kind of hard letting him wallow in the desert by himself for a few days without water, food, emotional support and a nice palm tree to sit down under during the unfathomable heat of the afternoon. Still, he was being an Idiot really, so it was important he got around to learning this lesson in taking responsibility for his actions for once!
Camel walked and walked, sobbing and moaning and expecting his friends to come get him at any minute and tell him it was all a big misunderstanding and could he turn around and come home now as they really did love him and want him around!
No one came!
Camel got more and more desperate as time went on and the sand hills got larger and more dry and the wind was stronger and more insistent on pitting his eyelashes with stinging tiny stones of silicone quartz. Camel felt worried. None of his friends had come to get him and he was lost!
The wind picked up and soon became one of those frightening storms, hot - stupidly hot - and fierce with flying sand that whipped against the body like the lashing of a thousand cat-o-nines, each tipped with a poisoned spur! Oh, how that storm hurt Camel! He knelt with his back against the force of it and buried his nose under his front legs to protect its sensitive tip from the scathing sand blast. He would have cried but for the fact he had his eyes shut so tight, there was no space for the tears to escape.
Camel drifted into a kind of meditative state of altered reality in the middle of that storm. He thought back over his long past and noticed the Mostly, he learned that much of his moodiness and silly emotional clunkiness was more due to the fact that he was basically very selfish and just wanted to be the centre of attention most of the time! He didn't really care too much about other people so long as he himself was cared about! It was a shocking thought and very humiliating.
The sound of the stinging wind became a muted backdrop of sound as he saw himself in his minds eye, huffing and puffing over some triviality which he had blown out of proportion to all else and realised how selfish and egocentric he'd been towards his nearest and dearest.
Camel drifted into sleep as a deep grief enclosed his soul - just as the sand eddied around him like a kind of dry sea with waves of gritty, insistent unfathomable emptiness stretching out from every side of him.
Many hours later he snorted awake suddenly, blowing puffs of now still and very fine sand from his nostrils. Carefully, he fluttered his long luxuriant eyelashes to peer from his sandy cave that had built up around him during the storm. With a great deal of effort, heavy as he was with grief and lonliness, he heaved upwards, shifting vast quantities of sand from his hump, and neck. It slid off him like as if it was water.
He felt a little lighter but only a little. Sighing deeply, he looked around. Nothing! Only blazing sun and sand for miles. No signs of life. No signals from friends to guide him home. Not even a mirage to soften the harsh line of the horizon.
Camel burst into great wracking sobs that shuddered his whole body. Now his tears could flow and flow they did. He knelt there in the sand and his tears made little wet puddles beside them. Being the pragmatic soul at heart, he noted that his own tears were probably the last fluid he'd see for some time, so he scooped each tear drop that fell up with his tongue. Crying and lapping his own tears until he had no more to shed, Camel felt completely and utterly abandoned and with a rueful last sigh of grief he shuddered himself upright again and prepared to wander aimlessly towards the horizon to whatever fate lay ahead.
He was about to step forth, when it struck him, he was just repeating an ancient pattern of his! He'd seen himself do this very thing in his meditations during the storm. How silly of him! He stopped. He breathed. He waited.
This was a first for Camel. He'd never tried this tactic before. Just stopping, and breathing, and waiting. It was a new idea and one that seemed perfectly right for the current situation.
No thinking, just waiting. Camel had a very busy brain, so this bit was truly illuminating. He kept the thinking at bay even though it was very hard and allowed himself to just wait...softly...without any expectations for outcomes or ideas... just pure essence of Moment.
A "thing" crept under his skin not long after while he waited. It was hard to identify but it was a "Thing". It was neither a thought or a feeling as such but a sort of well... a Knowing if you will. Camel resisted the temptation to stop and think about it, and if his friends could have seen him then, they'd have laughed at the comical expression on his face, with his lovely big eyes all screwed up and his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth in total concentration on the act of NOT thinking about thinking about the Thing inside of him.
The Knowing Thing shyly grew in confidence and it seemed to be pointing to something strangely practical and obvious, the sun.
Camel felt as if The Knowing Thing was like a separate entity now, a sort of other part of him that was in him but not really actually him as such but still familiar somehow. Very tentatively, Camel asked The Knowing Thing a question, which felt embarrassingly mad of course as it would likely appear he was talking to himself under a scorching desert sun and thereby most passers by - if there had been any - would have concluded that this particular Camel had gone without water for just a wee bit long really.
"Can you help me?" asked Camel very shyly "Please?" he asked again, remembering his manners.
The Knowing Thing didn't really answer in words as such, it just somehow relayed another sort of Knowing to Camel which he knew without knowing why he knew or where that knowing had come from. He just knew that "Yes!" the Knowing Thing could indeed help and was wanting to do so very much.
"Which way is home?" asked Camel again with a little bit more confidence in his strange new friend within.
"Follow your heart" said the Knowing inside him. This of course confused Camel. He spent a bit of time switching straight back into his old habits of trying to over-think the concept and his feelings about it which of course, confused him even more than more.
The Knowing Thing had steadily grew in presence and well... loudness ...for want of a better word, for it didn't really say anything actually aloud as such.
"Shhhh! Still!" said The Knowing Thing, and Camel obeyed instantly somehow understanding that he needed to Shhh that very moment and be very still too.
"Following your heart is not about maps or directions or going off without thought dear Camel. Following your heart is going where you know its right to go but you have to stop and listen and hear which way is right to go. Sometimes others will tell you which way is right to go and you need to listen carefully to their wisdom. Sometimes, you know which way is right to go but you also need to listen carefully to your inner wisdom and believe it too. So now dear Camel, look at the shadow of the sun and tell me what you sense about it."
Camel turned and looked at the shadow of himself cast in the sand against the powerful sun overhead. His shadow was very short, almost underneath him which meant that the Sun must be somewhere around its zenith of the day, noon or thereabouts.
"About noon I suppose" said Camel carefully.
"Good" said The Knowing Thing inside. "Now Camel. What would a sensible animal do in the noon day sun when they are lost in a desert of sand?"
Camel gave himself actual permission to think about this one carefully. His analytical mind served him well on puzzles like this one. "They'd stop for a bit to see which direction the Sun travelled?" he asked with an almost immediate sense of being right about his question. So he sat down on the spot without turning or doing anymore walking and waited a bit until the sun shifted the shadow under him and it began to lengthen. He noted the direction of the sun as it set behind him. That was must be close to West he thought to himself and immediately felt a resounding "Yes!" within some place that wasn't brain or heart or soul or anywhere but inside nonetheless.
He waited a little more.
The sun sank lower into the western sky. Camel did some calculating. He wasn't sure exactly which way he'd come but he was reasonably sure his home was north of somewhere so he decided to maybe go North. He asked The Knowing Thing and it didn't say anything really, just "As you so choose" but with a quiet sort of confidence behind it so Camel rose and faced what he had ascertained was North and began to walk.
The Knowing Thing kept him company on his walk. It gave him confidence that everything was going to work out fine and it gave him a good deal of hope too, that he could solve some of his terrible weaknesses of character when he got back amongst his friends. Camel really didn't want to lose his friends and he vowed he'd be a better manager of his own emotions in the future. The Knowing Thing just smiled at him with a kind of loving knowingness that Camel couldn't really understand but which felt good anyway.
It was almost dark and the stars were lighting up the sky when Camel came upon his home Oasis. His friends were there in the middle around the waterhole all discussing whether they should abandon their Abandon Camel Campaign and send out a search party for him but given the recent sand storm, they'd been very dubious of ever seeing him again. When he turned up in the middle of their circle out of the dark, some of his friends shrieked with fright as if they'd seen a ghost. But soon everyone was laughing and crying and hugging Camel and declaring they'd NEVER let him out of their sight again because they really did love him despite his humpfy ways and his hopeless emotional outbursts over nothing much.
Camel smiled at everyone and a deep love welled up in his old heart for every one of his dear friends whom he'd so abused and mistreated with his silly habits over the years. He sighed deeply and without saying a word, he told The Knowing Thing a sincere and heart-felt "Thankyou" for showing him the way Home.
The Knowing Thing stayed with Camel for the rest of his life. Camel became known as someone very wise, very slow to anger, very deliberate and careful in the plans he made and the directions he took. He didn't always think, he sometimes just stopped, breathed and waited and that was often enough to find the answers to most things in life.
And everyone who met him, loved him even when he got a little bit humpfy.
The End.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Finding the "right" man
Even though I have left my marriage of 18 years, I still believe in romantic love and commitment. I am not bitter or twisted about men in general and I still look forward to a day when I can cuddle up to a man I deeply admire and who's company I respect and enjoy.
I am learning a good many lessons about my attitudes and approach to love while alone these days. There is much that is flawed in me when it comes to my attitudes and beliefs about love and romance.
For starters, I am way too idealistic. I project a lot of expectations onto my future partner, demanding and requiring the same level of commitment and attention I believe I bring to a relationship. In theory, I am all about equality but I have much to learn about respect.
My "problem" in matters of the heart is apparently to do with my assiduous determination to achieve my own goals and force the objects of my devotion and affection into reciprocating those same ideals back to me. I want and desire to be the centre of someones...world!
Ironically, as soon as any man begins to show signs of putting me on a pedastal, or elevating me into a position of Goddess status, I abandon him as an "idiot". I refuse to be possessed except on my own terms. This is a major flaw in me ever being open to receiving love from someone cool enough to accept me just as I come.
I am very happy to be in the drivers seat in relationships. I love loving someone. I love being affectionate and giving and will go to great lengths to make a man "happy" so to speak.
Rarely though, do I receive love well. Suspicion of motives and a slightly cynical attitude towards men who are "dumb enough" to fall for the likes of me, make me deeply dubious of any overt expressions of love or being cherished for myself. I simply do not trust men who express love the same way as I express love! Go figure!
I'm attracted to men who are just a little bit mysterious and who are determinedly non-committal towards me in many ways. It's like its a competition for me to "win" them over to my side but as soon as I do - I lose interest and that's really cruel and something I need to watch for in my future relationships with men if I ever have any. I want to find a passionate and wonderful love in my future, but on this point, I have much to learn and outgrow. Receiving love on nobodies terms but the person giving it is going to be difficult for me. I cannot give love where I do not respect and am not attuned to that person physically, emotionally and particularly, intellectually. If I do not trust them, I can little accept any offers of love from them.
However, I do need to learn and understand that being cherished and valued by a man is how it is from HIS perspective and is something that I must simply accept and not try to mould into my expectations and values and my own idiosyncratic interpretation of love.
I joined an online dating service awhile back but only lasted for about 2 days on it. The concept of meeting and getting to know men...aka potential romantic partners... felt tacky and icky in the extreme for me! I felt like meat on display and utterly desperate. The profiles of the men who winked at me seemed so pathetically contrived and I just could not bring myself to trust any one of them as a potential friendship, let alone a possible romantic dalliance. I took myself off the site quickly and won't go back to that kind of process unless I have a change of mind about it, if ever!
I have a lot of love to give. I am keen to give of the love that exists like a giant orb in my very soul. I love giving it full expression and I do not follow the "rules" of the game of love. I demand, expect and give full disclosure, honesty and am forthright and perhaps even a little bit aggressive in the way I express my love and affection. I want to be the centre of a mans world but I want to control it too. Not a good look really and probably one of the major factors in why romance is for me so hard to come by. I'm simply not soft or feminine or give a man the feeling of being brave and protective of me! I catagorically refuse to be possessed and yet I seem to be possessive myself and jealous to the core when in love!
For many years, I prided myself on being the very unjealous type. I think I allow my partner a great deal of freedom and expect the same in return...well, so I thought anyway. Turns out I have a deeply jealous core after all and its a shadow aspect of my soul I never knew existed until I loved like I've never loved before. Seems I expect to be allowed MY freedom so long as I remain firmly at the centre of my lovers world! Again... deeply confrontational and dark stuff I must address if I am to ever find happiness in relationships in the future.
Whilst I am extremely idealistic in romantic love, I'm also equally pragmatic and overly analytical in the expression of my feelings. Much of my inner world is caught between two polar opposite senses of intuitive feeling and logical thought.
I prefer to remain cool, calm and collected when in love but my feelings constantly betray me and I get so frustrated by that. I am either hot-headed, clinically ice cool or hyper emotional and quite frankly, I'm probably incredibly scary to most potential male lovers! *gasp*
It will take a man with a mature sense of himself in order to consistently and gently steer me into calm emotional waters I think. I need and desire to feel safe in a relationship before I can open up and become truly my Self with a partner. It is easy to shut me down emotionally to the point where I can turn off the taps of loving expression and become an ice queen like no other. I am a bully that way when it comes to love!
What a crazy mix of conflicting patterns, emotions and dichotomies am I? With this confused set of apparently conflicting values operating at my very core, if I do not change some of the fundamental patterns of my behaviour, I may well be doomed to being single for a very long time!
I refuse to be bored in relationships and yet I demand security and comfort. I hate being possessed and insist on my personal freedom and yet I can be as jealous and as possessive as any shrew. I want to express a deeply romantic, idealistic and sensual kind of love in my life but distrust and disown men who express that very thing toward me! I want to be free to be entirely myself within a relationship but I also need to feel like I am the centre of his world too.
I wonder if it is possible at all for me to find the kind of love I seek when I can barely contain all these conflicting notions within?
People will often say we just need to "let go and let God" in matters of the heart. I have a great deal of trouble with the notion of "letting go". For me, it seems apparent of late, that I have major control issues regarding my personal destiny. I'm not even sure I understand what "letting go" actually means to be honest! How and when does one "let go" and of what for goodness sakes?
When I fixate my heart onto someone, come hell or high water - and until all avenues of exploration are done and dusted - nothing stands in my way between what I desire and what I want. I set myself up for a lot of disappointment and heart break as a result. I project so much onto my love interest as to virtually eliminate any possibilities for its expression to become a reality. I demand so much from them, they run essentially for no man can make a woman happy... least of all me, as much as I'd love them to! *sigh*
What lessons!
What a journey this is proving to be.
I guess its time I stopped seeking love and just got on with my own life instead of pining for that which constantly seems to elude me...even in marriage! If the right kind of Love that I am seeking is so hard for me to grasp, I can little expect to find what I am looking for until I learn what I already have and believe in that for once.
The "right" man will be an extraordinary man indeed if I open myself to the possibility of his existence I guess... I have little faith that he exists sadly. As long as I get my own ego out of the way and can accept the real version of him in the reality of the moment rather than from my projections of an idealistic romantic future on my terms alone.
For now, love eludes me. It may or may not be entirely my fault - perhaps its a bit of what is...and what I am. I'm impatient and impetuous and so disgustingly romantic that I hope for this magic to come sooner than later into my life. It may when I am not looking for it I guess.
I am learning a good many lessons about my attitudes and approach to love while alone these days. There is much that is flawed in me when it comes to my attitudes and beliefs about love and romance.
For starters, I am way too idealistic. I project a lot of expectations onto my future partner, demanding and requiring the same level of commitment and attention I believe I bring to a relationship. In theory, I am all about equality but I have much to learn about respect.
My "problem" in matters of the heart is apparently to do with my assiduous determination to achieve my own goals and force the objects of my devotion and affection into reciprocating those same ideals back to me. I want and desire to be the centre of someones...world!
Ironically, as soon as any man begins to show signs of putting me on a pedastal, or elevating me into a position of Goddess status, I abandon him as an "idiot". I refuse to be possessed except on my own terms. This is a major flaw in me ever being open to receiving love from someone cool enough to accept me just as I come.
I am very happy to be in the drivers seat in relationships. I love loving someone. I love being affectionate and giving and will go to great lengths to make a man "happy" so to speak.
Rarely though, do I receive love well. Suspicion of motives and a slightly cynical attitude towards men who are "dumb enough" to fall for the likes of me, make me deeply dubious of any overt expressions of love or being cherished for myself. I simply do not trust men who express love the same way as I express love! Go figure!
I'm attracted to men who are just a little bit mysterious and who are determinedly non-committal towards me in many ways. It's like its a competition for me to "win" them over to my side but as soon as I do - I lose interest and that's really cruel and something I need to watch for in my future relationships with men if I ever have any. I want to find a passionate and wonderful love in my future, but on this point, I have much to learn and outgrow. Receiving love on nobodies terms but the person giving it is going to be difficult for me. I cannot give love where I do not respect and am not attuned to that person physically, emotionally and particularly, intellectually. If I do not trust them, I can little accept any offers of love from them.
However, I do need to learn and understand that being cherished and valued by a man is how it is from HIS perspective and is something that I must simply accept and not try to mould into my expectations and values and my own idiosyncratic interpretation of love.
I joined an online dating service awhile back but only lasted for about 2 days on it. The concept of meeting and getting to know men...aka potential romantic partners... felt tacky and icky in the extreme for me! I felt like meat on display and utterly desperate. The profiles of the men who winked at me seemed so pathetically contrived and I just could not bring myself to trust any one of them as a potential friendship, let alone a possible romantic dalliance. I took myself off the site quickly and won't go back to that kind of process unless I have a change of mind about it, if ever!
I have a lot of love to give. I am keen to give of the love that exists like a giant orb in my very soul. I love giving it full expression and I do not follow the "rules" of the game of love. I demand, expect and give full disclosure, honesty and am forthright and perhaps even a little bit aggressive in the way I express my love and affection. I want to be the centre of a mans world but I want to control it too. Not a good look really and probably one of the major factors in why romance is for me so hard to come by. I'm simply not soft or feminine or give a man the feeling of being brave and protective of me! I catagorically refuse to be possessed and yet I seem to be possessive myself and jealous to the core when in love!
For many years, I prided myself on being the very unjealous type. I think I allow my partner a great deal of freedom and expect the same in return...well, so I thought anyway. Turns out I have a deeply jealous core after all and its a shadow aspect of my soul I never knew existed until I loved like I've never loved before. Seems I expect to be allowed MY freedom so long as I remain firmly at the centre of my lovers world! Again... deeply confrontational and dark stuff I must address if I am to ever find happiness in relationships in the future.
Whilst I am extremely idealistic in romantic love, I'm also equally pragmatic and overly analytical in the expression of my feelings. Much of my inner world is caught between two polar opposite senses of intuitive feeling and logical thought.
I prefer to remain cool, calm and collected when in love but my feelings constantly betray me and I get so frustrated by that. I am either hot-headed, clinically ice cool or hyper emotional and quite frankly, I'm probably incredibly scary to most potential male lovers! *gasp*
It will take a man with a mature sense of himself in order to consistently and gently steer me into calm emotional waters I think. I need and desire to feel safe in a relationship before I can open up and become truly my Self with a partner. It is easy to shut me down emotionally to the point where I can turn off the taps of loving expression and become an ice queen like no other. I am a bully that way when it comes to love!
What a crazy mix of conflicting patterns, emotions and dichotomies am I? With this confused set of apparently conflicting values operating at my very core, if I do not change some of the fundamental patterns of my behaviour, I may well be doomed to being single for a very long time!
I refuse to be bored in relationships and yet I demand security and comfort. I hate being possessed and insist on my personal freedom and yet I can be as jealous and as possessive as any shrew. I want to express a deeply romantic, idealistic and sensual kind of love in my life but distrust and disown men who express that very thing toward me! I want to be free to be entirely myself within a relationship but I also need to feel like I am the centre of his world too.
I wonder if it is possible at all for me to find the kind of love I seek when I can barely contain all these conflicting notions within?
People will often say we just need to "let go and let God" in matters of the heart. I have a great deal of trouble with the notion of "letting go". For me, it seems apparent of late, that I have major control issues regarding my personal destiny. I'm not even sure I understand what "letting go" actually means to be honest! How and when does one "let go" and of what for goodness sakes?
When I fixate my heart onto someone, come hell or high water - and until all avenues of exploration are done and dusted - nothing stands in my way between what I desire and what I want. I set myself up for a lot of disappointment and heart break as a result. I project so much onto my love interest as to virtually eliminate any possibilities for its expression to become a reality. I demand so much from them, they run essentially for no man can make a woman happy... least of all me, as much as I'd love them to! *sigh*
What lessons!
What a journey this is proving to be.
I guess its time I stopped seeking love and just got on with my own life instead of pining for that which constantly seems to elude me...even in marriage! If the right kind of Love that I am seeking is so hard for me to grasp, I can little expect to find what I am looking for until I learn what I already have and believe in that for once.
The "right" man will be an extraordinary man indeed if I open myself to the possibility of his existence I guess... I have little faith that he exists sadly. As long as I get my own ego out of the way and can accept the real version of him in the reality of the moment rather than from my projections of an idealistic romantic future on my terms alone.
For now, love eludes me. It may or may not be entirely my fault - perhaps its a bit of what is...and what I am. I'm impatient and impetuous and so disgustingly romantic that I hope for this magic to come sooner than later into my life. It may when I am not looking for it I guess.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Random things that spin ones being
Two weeks ago, I lost Preciousss.
Preciousss (think Gollum from Lord of the Rings and you get the inflectional speech pattern behind all those s's) is my Macbook which I got just on a year ago. I have loved her and honoured her every day since then.
But alas and alack! She died.
Apparently she had a faulty hard drive!
And of course...me being the idiotic "it'll-be-right" stupid thing that I am, failed to have EVERYTHING backed up to within an inch of its next byte so practically lost the lot.
15 gig and counting of music is a big thing to "lose". It means having to reload all those CD's, and plead with bat to re-send me all the music he's sent me this past twelve months (getting bat to a post office is about as easy as turning water into wine...only a very select few are capable of it... me ain't one of them!)
..... and NOT syncing the precious music still languishing on my ipod into oblivion when I next hook her up to the depressingly blank itunes on here!
I have Preciousss back as of yesterday, resurrected with a whole new heart and lung system.
All the thoughts, writing, photos, images, and many documents of the past year are lost to the ether. It will be interesting to see if I ever actually need any of it or miss it. I think the pic I have for my profile here in Blogger is now gone too, but will have to check what little backups I do have to make sure. Damn! It's a good pic of me too really.
This past two weeks have seen me "working" too. I was temping as a receptionist for three weeks and then landed a job as Manager of our local Wendy's Ice cream and hot dog stand in our shopping centre!
I am afraid to say that I won't be going back to the Wendy's job after this first week. Never in all my born days have I detested, despised and hated a job so intensely from day one! I'm reasonably astute I think...I had my doubts about this job even when I applied for it. My gut told me not to but failing to take notice as per usual, I did so anyway because I really don't have a lot of options when being unemployed after all. Or so I thought anyway! I shall be more careful from now on and listen to my belly speak its mind when it comes to a clear "no" about a potential job I think!
I landed the job and my new boss thought I would be "fantastic" at it! In fact, nearly everyone (those who don't me that well anyway) thought I'd be "fantastic" at it!
I refused to listen to my inner voice screaming at me inside "Don't think so buddy!". Instead, I thought "I don't have much choice - it's a job! What's to making ice cream!".
Even on my first day, the sight of all that soft serve dairy made me feel like puking on the spot. All that sweet, sticky, creamy, milky ice-cream arrayed in varying colours and flavours inside the front cabinet made me cringe with horror. I couldn't pour the five rounds of soft serve into a cup to make a thick shake to save my life and I hated every minute standing at that mixing machine! Making a strawberry banana split smoothie made me want to hurl it down the plaza floor with every frantic spinning movement of ingredient grabbing. Oh my Lordy! How I hated this job! Unbelievably so.
What a lesson in not listening to ones inner bean eh?
I landed a job! I thought I was happy to have a full-time job! I was instinctively cringing even before I got there.
I have sobbed every single night this past week as I went to bed, dreading the next day.
To feel such dread over a mere ice-cream job seems impossibly selfish and insane but I just couldn't do it! The culture of the franchised corporate fast-food treat industry just does not, apparently, suit my demeanour or style of operation. The thought of having to shove one more ice-cream coated lick-stick into someones face over the counter without their permission bordered on the obscenely rude and pretentious and my gut reacted with violent disdain over it all. The con of the "up sell" to customers to part them from their money and fill their bellies with dangerously high kilojoule readings was also cringe-worthy.
I should have known of course. My whole body reacted to the futility of me doing this work even before I began. Even my own dear almost psychic mother "knew" that it "would never last".
The boss was a cool dude though and I think I might have enjoyed working for him...even if he is a little bit of an energiser bunny on speed kind of guy; but still...he was pleasant enough and we seemed to get along okay. The job just didn't suit me.
Live and learn!
So now I'm back to churning out job application letters and revising my poor resume. Thankfully, I have that at least saved on a flash disk somewhere! I think!
Between, being so frenetically busy this past month, to losing dear Preciousss, to being totally blind-sided by an experience I never expected I would ever have in my lifetime aka hating a job to the point of slashing ones wrists with an ice cream scoop... I have to say, that maybe now it's time to focus on what I DO want in life rather than just grabbing at something just because it happens to be there you know!
What do I want to do?
I have no freaking idea!
That is the dilemma for me and has been since I gave up selling vast amounts of dangerous kilojoules to people in the meat pie industry!
I keep telling myself "I want to write" but quite frankly...I have no idea what and who for! If I write for myself, I might as well just blog for the rest of my days and I do that already anyway. Not expecting to shine in that department anytime soon though.
What kind of work do I want to pay my bills?
I guess being a receptionist is pretty cool so long as I had enough work to do! The temp job was great but I did feel a bit overwhelmed by the power of the group mind there in that place and the fact that I felt so out of my league. Even so, I'd have gotten used to that work if there'd been enough of it.
At least I have Preciousss back though :) That is very cool. It's a bit like getting a brand new exercise book in school where you promise that you'll write very, very neatly in it too. I've been vowing to keep Preciousss super organised etc. But as is the way with these things...we will see ;)
I'm so relieved right now that I don't have to go back to that ice cream job too. The boss rang me this morning and we both agreed to mutual satisfaction, that I was not suited to the position and he'll move on and so will I. I can comfortably go back to walking past Wendy's in the Plaza as if it doesn't exist again (I've hardly ever shopped there since my kids were toddlers and essentially walked past it without hardly noting its existence this past 10 years or so! That's saying something yeah?).
If People judge me for this decision - more fool them! As for me, if someone leaves a job after a week because they simply hate it and feel they'll never be able to be successful at it - I say More Power to them for the wisdom to know so soon!
Reloading my life as of now.
Preciousss (think Gollum from Lord of the Rings and you get the inflectional speech pattern behind all those s's) is my Macbook which I got just on a year ago. I have loved her and honoured her every day since then.
But alas and alack! She died.
Apparently she had a faulty hard drive!
And of course...me being the idiotic "it'll-be-right" stupid thing that I am, failed to have EVERYTHING backed up to within an inch of its next byte so practically lost the lot.
15 gig and counting of music is a big thing to "lose". It means having to reload all those CD's, and plead with bat to re-send me all the music he's sent me this past twelve months (getting bat to a post office is about as easy as turning water into wine...only a very select few are capable of it... me ain't one of them!)
..... and NOT syncing the precious music still languishing on my ipod into oblivion when I next hook her up to the depressingly blank itunes on here!
I have Preciousss back as of yesterday, resurrected with a whole new heart and lung system.
All the thoughts, writing, photos, images, and many documents of the past year are lost to the ether. It will be interesting to see if I ever actually need any of it or miss it. I think the pic I have for my profile here in Blogger is now gone too, but will have to check what little backups I do have to make sure. Damn! It's a good pic of me too really.
This past two weeks have seen me "working" too. I was temping as a receptionist for three weeks and then landed a job as Manager of our local Wendy's Ice cream and hot dog stand in our shopping centre!
I am afraid to say that I won't be going back to the Wendy's job after this first week. Never in all my born days have I detested, despised and hated a job so intensely from day one! I'm reasonably astute I think...I had my doubts about this job even when I applied for it. My gut told me not to but failing to take notice as per usual, I did so anyway because I really don't have a lot of options when being unemployed after all. Or so I thought anyway! I shall be more careful from now on and listen to my belly speak its mind when it comes to a clear "no" about a potential job I think!
I landed the job and my new boss thought I would be "fantastic" at it! In fact, nearly everyone (those who don't me that well anyway) thought I'd be "fantastic" at it!
I refused to listen to my inner voice screaming at me inside "Don't think so buddy!". Instead, I thought "I don't have much choice - it's a job! What's to making ice cream!".
Even on my first day, the sight of all that soft serve dairy made me feel like puking on the spot. All that sweet, sticky, creamy, milky ice-cream arrayed in varying colours and flavours inside the front cabinet made me cringe with horror. I couldn't pour the five rounds of soft serve into a cup to make a thick shake to save my life and I hated every minute standing at that mixing machine! Making a strawberry banana split smoothie made me want to hurl it down the plaza floor with every frantic spinning movement of ingredient grabbing. Oh my Lordy! How I hated this job! Unbelievably so.
What a lesson in not listening to ones inner bean eh?
I landed a job! I thought I was happy to have a full-time job! I was instinctively cringing even before I got there.
I have sobbed every single night this past week as I went to bed, dreading the next day.
To feel such dread over a mere ice-cream job seems impossibly selfish and insane but I just couldn't do it! The culture of the franchised corporate fast-food treat industry just does not, apparently, suit my demeanour or style of operation. The thought of having to shove one more ice-cream coated lick-stick into someones face over the counter without their permission bordered on the obscenely rude and pretentious and my gut reacted with violent disdain over it all. The con of the "up sell" to customers to part them from their money and fill their bellies with dangerously high kilojoule readings was also cringe-worthy.
I should have known of course. My whole body reacted to the futility of me doing this work even before I began. Even my own dear almost psychic mother "knew" that it "would never last".
The boss was a cool dude though and I think I might have enjoyed working for him...even if he is a little bit of an energiser bunny on speed kind of guy; but still...he was pleasant enough and we seemed to get along okay. The job just didn't suit me.
Live and learn!
So now I'm back to churning out job application letters and revising my poor resume. Thankfully, I have that at least saved on a flash disk somewhere! I think!
Between, being so frenetically busy this past month, to losing dear Preciousss, to being totally blind-sided by an experience I never expected I would ever have in my lifetime aka hating a job to the point of slashing ones wrists with an ice cream scoop... I have to say, that maybe now it's time to focus on what I DO want in life rather than just grabbing at something just because it happens to be there you know!
What do I want to do?
I have no freaking idea!
That is the dilemma for me and has been since I gave up selling vast amounts of dangerous kilojoules to people in the meat pie industry!
I keep telling myself "I want to write" but quite frankly...I have no idea what and who for! If I write for myself, I might as well just blog for the rest of my days and I do that already anyway. Not expecting to shine in that department anytime soon though.
What kind of work do I want to pay my bills?
I guess being a receptionist is pretty cool so long as I had enough work to do! The temp job was great but I did feel a bit overwhelmed by the power of the group mind there in that place and the fact that I felt so out of my league. Even so, I'd have gotten used to that work if there'd been enough of it.
At least I have Preciousss back though :) That is very cool. It's a bit like getting a brand new exercise book in school where you promise that you'll write very, very neatly in it too. I've been vowing to keep Preciousss super organised etc. But as is the way with these things...we will see ;)
I'm so relieved right now that I don't have to go back to that ice cream job too. The boss rang me this morning and we both agreed to mutual satisfaction, that I was not suited to the position and he'll move on and so will I. I can comfortably go back to walking past Wendy's in the Plaza as if it doesn't exist again (I've hardly ever shopped there since my kids were toddlers and essentially walked past it without hardly noting its existence this past 10 years or so! That's saying something yeah?).
If People judge me for this decision - more fool them! As for me, if someone leaves a job after a week because they simply hate it and feel they'll never be able to be successful at it - I say More Power to them for the wisdom to know so soon!
Reloading my life as of now.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
to think or to feel
According to the horological (some would say horror-logical) definitions of my temperament and personality....I am supposedly very logical and "have difficulty in expressing emotion".
That's funny!
Most of the time I am within a hairs' breadth of bursting into tears! The most insane things can set me off too, like today over a nice slow-food lunch at a local cafe, I read a simple line about love in a magazine and immediately teared up with the sentiment of it all! Not particularly logical I'd say!
I express emotion far too well in my humble opinion! It's not only annoying, it can be disgustingly embarrassing. There has to be nothing worse than tearing up at the drop of a hat in front of men too! Ugh! So demeaning!
But I do it a lot.
Being "in touch" with ones feelings is something I think women, in general, are pretty good at, most of the time. Although I do wonder in recent decades whether we have not become so busy that we've forgotten to slow down long enough to actually figure out where and why those emotional responses are coming from. They rise so impetuously from within and can take us by surprise, but we often just seem to react to them rather than stop and really FEEL them to their nexus.
Allowing emotion to simply be emotion and letting it express without analysis is probably my weakest weakness.
I guess that's what that 'horrorscope' (sic) is trying to tell me. Analysis Paralysis I think is the catchphrase! Over thinking stuff from a clinically objective perspective! I can do that a lot too it seems, as this blog will attest.
On the one hand, I can never figure out why it is I will cry at reality TV shows when they do house make-overs and in another instant remain resolutely and pragmatically philosophical when confronted with something INTENDED to elicit strong emotion...like art or news stories etc.
My own emotional responses are an entirely flummoxing mystery to me.
Recently, I discovered I did indeed have VERY strong and visceral emotional responses. I experienced a strong reaction to a relationship issue that took me by complete and utter surprise. Now that is rather a weird thing....to be surprised - an emotional response - about an emotional response!
Which emotion was the "real" one I ask you?
Probably both of them I gather. It is rather astounding that the human being...or at the very least...me, is capable of having more than one emotional aspect simultaneously. I always thought of emotional responses as being sort of linear in function. They are simply responses to external events or internal thought processes that occur in sequence in some kind of assessable "order".
Apparently not!
Emotions seem to be both dependent and independent of external factors and internal thinking!
Emotions...aka feelings seem to be able to rise unbidden, bidden, unsolicited, solicited, cajoled, uncajoled, apparently uncontrollably from "somewhere" inside this corporeal identity I walk around in! Most untidy really. I guess I do harbor aspirations to Vulcan coolness and logic after all!
I read this following quote today, by Augusten Burroughs, in an article from that same magazine I was talking about above:
It got me thinking on this subject of feeling and/or thinking and how we go about the process of slowing down long enough to really feel what we are feeling to its conclusion; its nexus if you will. Getting down deep inside to discover an emotions core root and identifying and sorting it out so we can frame it into thought and deed.
Emotional responses seem to come from an entirely different place in the human psyche. I think from my layman's understanding of neuroscience, we humans do have very specific places within the brain where thoughts and feelings occur. Thinking is primarily taking place pretty much non-stop at the forefront of our brains...literally. Emotions occur in other parts of the brain, like a kind of strobe with different places in the brain lighting up and equating to differing feelings.
Thinking tends to be somewhat confined to a specific area of the brain while emotion tends to be all over the place. Any wonder emotions can be so hard to pin down and label effectively. But then again, our conscious thinking tends to do a LOT of filtering of these strobing emotional patterns and we develop habits of denying ourselves some quite legitimate, feelings while encouraging others, legit or otherwise! Behavioural science is only now, beginning to scratch the thin layers of human brain biology in this regard and its an incredibly fascinating subject too!
Emotions seem to be synergistic too. They give rise to thoughts while at the same time... perhaps instantaneously, our thoughts are giving rise to our emotions. I'm guessing this is why I can have two emotional responses at the same time, one in response to the other aka surprise because of feeling jealous etc.
We are told, and I've said it in this blog too, that we have choices about how we feel. Easier said than done of course. Feelings and emotions are about as difficult to control as wild horses! Still, I think we do need to slow down, give ourselves the space to breathe and really feel what we are feeling and not squelch or deny ourselves difficult and intense emotions simply because they're tedious and confronting. (Of course, it is always wise to take socially non-redeeming emotions to a nice safe and private place where other people can't be offended or delighted by them! Your call on that of course!)
This being said, I still have a great deal of work to do on accessing WHY I feel what I do when I do. Why is it that I cry so easily at the merely sentimental - which totally annoys me (there you go, that weird juxtaposition of two emotional responses one on top of the other again. One just felt, the other experienced as a result of thinking about the emotion just felt)? Or , why I don't always seem to feel strong emotional responses when I'm being "asked" to by someone or something else?
My other work is to learn how to simply allow my genuine, unbidden emotional responses their full weight and not belittle or demean them simply because they're uncomfortable. I want to learn how to feel things through to their natural core, to the trigger that inspired them, acknowledging that trigger in the frontal cortex of my thought mind and decide then what to do about it. I want to learn how to HAVE my emotions and respond to them intelligently and not willy-nilly without thinking so to speak!
Wisdom, I now believe is not so much what we know in our thoughts; it is how well we slow down to feel what we are feeling, identify why and then not over or under reacting with the results!
I have learned I can be jealous! To me, Jealousy and possessiveness are abhorrent emotions that deserve little brain space. But I do have these strong feelings on occasion and I have reacted outwardly...and very unseemingly...to them. Now I want to find out what my triggers are. WHY do I feel jealous and when does it happen and what does it feel like to really FEEL jealous right down to its root, without inflicting the potentially damaging collateral onto other people?
Once I allow the feeling to be what it is unmodified by conscious thinking first, bringing that emotion full circle to its root cause and conclusion, I can THEN allow my logic build on the information and formulate better and much wiser behavioural responses. I hope I can anyway!
Basically, I need to slow down! I want to learn how to experience what I am feeling and let it reside there until it no longer does. I want to give time to my emotions and let them name themselves - rather than merely analyse them - and I want to get my over-analytical head get out of the way and 'de-logicify' (if there be such a word), the process.
So! The next time I find the tears streaming down my face when someone wins a home make-over, I shall stop, pause, feel what's actually going on within me and not think about it too much until I am done feeling it through.
I wonder if that's even possible for an "Aquarian" wannabe Vulcan! hahaha :p
That's funny!
Most of the time I am within a hairs' breadth of bursting into tears! The most insane things can set me off too, like today over a nice slow-food lunch at a local cafe, I read a simple line about love in a magazine and immediately teared up with the sentiment of it all! Not particularly logical I'd say!
I express emotion far too well in my humble opinion! It's not only annoying, it can be disgustingly embarrassing. There has to be nothing worse than tearing up at the drop of a hat in front of men too! Ugh! So demeaning!
But I do it a lot.
Being "in touch" with ones feelings is something I think women, in general, are pretty good at, most of the time. Although I do wonder in recent decades whether we have not become so busy that we've forgotten to slow down long enough to actually figure out where and why those emotional responses are coming from. They rise so impetuously from within and can take us by surprise, but we often just seem to react to them rather than stop and really FEEL them to their nexus.
Allowing emotion to simply be emotion and letting it express without analysis is probably my weakest weakness.
I guess that's what that 'horrorscope' (sic) is trying to tell me. Analysis Paralysis I think is the catchphrase! Over thinking stuff from a clinically objective perspective! I can do that a lot too it seems, as this blog will attest.
On the one hand, I can never figure out why it is I will cry at reality TV shows when they do house make-overs and in another instant remain resolutely and pragmatically philosophical when confronted with something INTENDED to elicit strong emotion...like art or news stories etc.
My own emotional responses are an entirely flummoxing mystery to me.
Recently, I discovered I did indeed have VERY strong and visceral emotional responses. I experienced a strong reaction to a relationship issue that took me by complete and utter surprise. Now that is rather a weird thing....to be surprised - an emotional response - about an emotional response!
Which emotion was the "real" one I ask you?
Probably both of them I gather. It is rather astounding that the human being...or at the very least...me, is capable of having more than one emotional aspect simultaneously. I always thought of emotional responses as being sort of linear in function. They are simply responses to external events or internal thought processes that occur in sequence in some kind of assessable "order".
Apparently not!
Emotions seem to be both dependent and independent of external factors and internal thinking!
Emotions...aka feelings seem to be able to rise unbidden, bidden, unsolicited, solicited, cajoled, uncajoled, apparently uncontrollably from "somewhere" inside this corporeal identity I walk around in! Most untidy really. I guess I do harbor aspirations to Vulcan coolness and logic after all!
I read this following quote today, by Augusten Burroughs, in an article from that same magazine I was talking about above:
"It's strange but we seem to need to try to make ourselves feel, stimulating ourselves to feel...something," he added. "Perhaps we're so busy we don't feel...we're not in touch with what we feel. Our divorce rate would imply that."
It got me thinking on this subject of feeling and/or thinking and how we go about the process of slowing down long enough to really feel what we are feeling to its conclusion; its nexus if you will. Getting down deep inside to discover an emotions core root and identifying and sorting it out so we can frame it into thought and deed.
Emotional responses seem to come from an entirely different place in the human psyche. I think from my layman's understanding of neuroscience, we humans do have very specific places within the brain where thoughts and feelings occur. Thinking is primarily taking place pretty much non-stop at the forefront of our brains...literally. Emotions occur in other parts of the brain, like a kind of strobe with different places in the brain lighting up and equating to differing feelings.
Thinking tends to be somewhat confined to a specific area of the brain while emotion tends to be all over the place. Any wonder emotions can be so hard to pin down and label effectively. But then again, our conscious thinking tends to do a LOT of filtering of these strobing emotional patterns and we develop habits of denying ourselves some quite legitimate, feelings while encouraging others, legit or otherwise! Behavioural science is only now, beginning to scratch the thin layers of human brain biology in this regard and its an incredibly fascinating subject too!
Emotions seem to be synergistic too. They give rise to thoughts while at the same time... perhaps instantaneously, our thoughts are giving rise to our emotions. I'm guessing this is why I can have two emotional responses at the same time, one in response to the other aka surprise because of feeling jealous etc.
We are told, and I've said it in this blog too, that we have choices about how we feel. Easier said than done of course. Feelings and emotions are about as difficult to control as wild horses! Still, I think we do need to slow down, give ourselves the space to breathe and really feel what we are feeling and not squelch or deny ourselves difficult and intense emotions simply because they're tedious and confronting. (Of course, it is always wise to take socially non-redeeming emotions to a nice safe and private place where other people can't be offended or delighted by them! Your call on that of course!)
This being said, I still have a great deal of work to do on accessing WHY I feel what I do when I do. Why is it that I cry so easily at the merely sentimental - which totally annoys me (there you go, that weird juxtaposition of two emotional responses one on top of the other again. One just felt, the other experienced as a result of thinking about the emotion just felt)? Or , why I don't always seem to feel strong emotional responses when I'm being "asked" to by someone or something else?
My other work is to learn how to simply allow my genuine, unbidden emotional responses their full weight and not belittle or demean them simply because they're uncomfortable. I want to learn how to feel things through to their natural core, to the trigger that inspired them, acknowledging that trigger in the frontal cortex of my thought mind and decide then what to do about it. I want to learn how to HAVE my emotions and respond to them intelligently and not willy-nilly without thinking so to speak!
Wisdom, I now believe is not so much what we know in our thoughts; it is how well we slow down to feel what we are feeling, identify why and then not over or under reacting with the results!
I have learned I can be jealous! To me, Jealousy and possessiveness are abhorrent emotions that deserve little brain space. But I do have these strong feelings on occasion and I have reacted outwardly...and very unseemingly...to them. Now I want to find out what my triggers are. WHY do I feel jealous and when does it happen and what does it feel like to really FEEL jealous right down to its root, without inflicting the potentially damaging collateral onto other people?
Once I allow the feeling to be what it is unmodified by conscious thinking first, bringing that emotion full circle to its root cause and conclusion, I can THEN allow my logic build on the information and formulate better and much wiser behavioural responses. I hope I can anyway!
Basically, I need to slow down! I want to learn how to experience what I am feeling and let it reside there until it no longer does. I want to give time to my emotions and let them name themselves - rather than merely analyse them - and I want to get my over-analytical head get out of the way and 'de-logicify' (if there be such a word), the process.
So! The next time I find the tears streaming down my face when someone wins a home make-over, I shall stop, pause, feel what's actually going on within me and not think about it too much until I am done feeling it through.
I wonder if that's even possible for an "Aquarian" wannabe Vulcan! hahaha :p
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The ironic habit of trying to be unselfconscious
It's a bit of an oxymoron yeah?
I've learned in recent months that much of what I think I'm getting from other people i.e. emotional feedback, information, perceptions etc are really just my own projections of what I THINK I am seeing, not the actual truth per se.
In the book I've been reading "Bonds that make us free" (see the link on the right of the page), I've learned much about the tendency for people to self-deceive in relationships. I know I am on constant alert for opportunities to justify my feelings, often blaming other people for the way I feel.
Logically and intellectually, I know its me who makes me feel what I do. You do not cause my feelings and emotional responses. I feel these things myself. The thing I need to become aware of now is how do I react to my own feelings when they occur?
In what kind of mindset and particularly heart-set must I place myself, so that I can love that other person despite what they do, think about, say or not do towards me?
It seems the key to being Lovely, is to forget about being it at all.
You see, it's when we forget ourselves that we finally begin to see others as they really are - and love them anyway.
When we forget ourselves, we are open, we do the right thing the moment it occurs to us - without rancour or bitterness; we seek to benefit the other before us, because they matter - simply because they do; we are kind, gracious and spontaneous in giving of our time and resources, all for no personal gain and we do not seek gratification or reciprocation for any of our actions. We are simply being ourselves without being conscious of ourselves. It's an attitude of Love that is quite different to actively choosing to "be nice" to people!
The Self is a rather petulant child within us. It likes to be adored and it really does hate being wrong or being assumed to be wrong. When we screw up our perspective of other people, we assume they see us as being very wrong indeedy and our insulted pride and competitive child suddenly thinks its not HER fault for the way things are! Our internal Self loves to cry foul and "It's not fair!" when we feel shamed or wounded in some way.
It is "our fault" so to speak!
In all relationships, the buck stops with us. We own the obligation, in full, in the way we respond to other people and to our feelings about them! There is no blame on them if it goes awry! (I'm not talking about being physically or psychologically abused by another person here, that has different ramifications I won't cover in this blog post). No one else is to blame for our reactions and responses to the feelings and emotions we generate.
Sure! Emotions are spontaneous and we simply feel them without any real thoughts or intentions as such. They simply occur within us in response to our perception of the world. They do rise unbidden from our depths and they can take us by surprise when they are painful and powerful. Emotions are necessary components of the human life, they can no more be denied existence than the air we breathe!
However, we confuse the issue here: Emotions are necessary and a wonderful part of our persona. This is true! But, it's what we DO with our emotional responses that makes, or breaks, our relationships and it's here that our full obligations lie.
So! How does one become a paragon of selflessness then? How do I drop my internal and often competitive dialogs that keep trying to place me in a position of advantage over other people, blaming them for what happens in my world? I want it to stop but how?
Again, the harder I try to focus on my SELF, the less likely it is I will achieve what it is I seek!
Many self-help books fail in this aspect. The right attitude of heart is the key to becoming a "better" person, but much of the self-help movement is very selfishly tied to focusing on our individual wants, needs, aspirations and intentions. There's rarely much in them to explain just how we open our hearts to loving other people. Even if the self-help gurus' advise the step of opening our hearts to being loving, they make it sound like it's something that's obvious and as easy as pie to do! It's not.
Becoming unaware of our selves so that we feel neither less than, or seek to be more than other people is extremely difficult until this change of heart occurs.
The really stupid thing about this is that we can't actually make that change of heart happen deliberately - it just occurs within us when we become aware of the other person in an attitude of total acceptance and love.
But we can make the conditions for it to start to happen more easily! We can adopt an attitude that seeks first to love others before we focus on our Self! The attitude of love that isn't self gratifying or self-seeking is the aim here.
Seeking to let go of our internal Pride Barometer, which is usually on constant alert for opportunities for self justification and glorification is the first step. When we refuse to accept into our minds, accusations against other people for the way we feel and perceive, we can begin to loosen the grip of self-deception on our hearts and open it toward becoming loving and lovely. When we simply choose to DO the right thing by other people when it first occurs to us to do it, we are on the road to learning how to love with joy!
The world really does need Love.
Love that is outwardly focussed, not a manipulative by-product and after thought of our inner child trying to make ourselves look good!
That's the irony in trying so hard to be unselfconscious. Letting go of the Self in all things, while remaining focussed on this process is akin to a dog chasing its own tail.
Awareness of how we self-deceive is the clue to this letting go. Remaining aware of our inner thought processes in an attitude of love that flows outwards to other people will do very much more to improve all our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves.
Being aware of, but not focused on! This is the strategy I think. Being aware of how I treat others; being aware of when my conscience is deciding between doing the right thing or not by others and choosing to do the right thing anyway; being aware of my emotional responses and taking responsibility for them; defocussing my intentions to be "better", "wiser", "richer", "warmer", "nicer" and "more honest", when in fact these attitudes are, more or less, ways I'm trying to bring more affection and attention towards myself.
By being defocussed on the Self and opening up the heart to allow other people to be themselves without blaming them for it is NOT easy, but I do think it is necessary if we ever hope to create the world of Peace, Love and Hope we aspire to.
How ironic is that? We actually end up feeling better about ourselves when we just forget to try and feel better about ourselves! Go figure!
I've learned in recent months that much of what I think I'm getting from other people i.e. emotional feedback, information, perceptions etc are really just my own projections of what I THINK I am seeing, not the actual truth per se.
In the book I've been reading "Bonds that make us free" (see the link on the right of the page), I've learned much about the tendency for people to self-deceive in relationships. I know I am on constant alert for opportunities to justify my feelings, often blaming other people for the way I feel.
Logically and intellectually, I know its me who makes me feel what I do. You do not cause my feelings and emotional responses. I feel these things myself. The thing I need to become aware of now is how do I react to my own feelings when they occur?
In what kind of mindset and particularly heart-set must I place myself, so that I can love that other person despite what they do, think about, say or not do towards me?
It seems the key to being Lovely, is to forget about being it at all.
You see, it's when we forget ourselves that we finally begin to see others as they really are - and love them anyway.
When we forget ourselves, we are open, we do the right thing the moment it occurs to us - without rancour or bitterness; we seek to benefit the other before us, because they matter - simply because they do; we are kind, gracious and spontaneous in giving of our time and resources, all for no personal gain and we do not seek gratification or reciprocation for any of our actions. We are simply being ourselves without being conscious of ourselves. It's an attitude of Love that is quite different to actively choosing to "be nice" to people!
The Self is a rather petulant child within us. It likes to be adored and it really does hate being wrong or being assumed to be wrong. When we screw up our perspective of other people, we assume they see us as being very wrong indeedy and our insulted pride and competitive child suddenly thinks its not HER fault for the way things are! Our internal Self loves to cry foul and "It's not fair!" when we feel shamed or wounded in some way.
It is "our fault" so to speak!
In all relationships, the buck stops with us. We own the obligation, in full, in the way we respond to other people and to our feelings about them! There is no blame on them if it goes awry! (I'm not talking about being physically or psychologically abused by another person here, that has different ramifications I won't cover in this blog post). No one else is to blame for our reactions and responses to the feelings and emotions we generate.
Sure! Emotions are spontaneous and we simply feel them without any real thoughts or intentions as such. They simply occur within us in response to our perception of the world. They do rise unbidden from our depths and they can take us by surprise when they are painful and powerful. Emotions are necessary components of the human life, they can no more be denied existence than the air we breathe!
However, we confuse the issue here: Emotions are necessary and a wonderful part of our persona. This is true! But, it's what we DO with our emotional responses that makes, or breaks, our relationships and it's here that our full obligations lie.
So! How does one become a paragon of selflessness then? How do I drop my internal and often competitive dialogs that keep trying to place me in a position of advantage over other people, blaming them for what happens in my world? I want it to stop but how?
Again, the harder I try to focus on my SELF, the less likely it is I will achieve what it is I seek!
Many self-help books fail in this aspect. The right attitude of heart is the key to becoming a "better" person, but much of the self-help movement is very selfishly tied to focusing on our individual wants, needs, aspirations and intentions. There's rarely much in them to explain just how we open our hearts to loving other people. Even if the self-help gurus' advise the step of opening our hearts to being loving, they make it sound like it's something that's obvious and as easy as pie to do! It's not.
Becoming unaware of our selves so that we feel neither less than, or seek to be more than other people is extremely difficult until this change of heart occurs.
The really stupid thing about this is that we can't actually make that change of heart happen deliberately - it just occurs within us when we become aware of the other person in an attitude of total acceptance and love.
But we can make the conditions for it to start to happen more easily! We can adopt an attitude that seeks first to love others before we focus on our Self! The attitude of love that isn't self gratifying or self-seeking is the aim here.
Seeking to let go of our internal Pride Barometer, which is usually on constant alert for opportunities for self justification and glorification is the first step. When we refuse to accept into our minds, accusations against other people for the way we feel and perceive, we can begin to loosen the grip of self-deception on our hearts and open it toward becoming loving and lovely. When we simply choose to DO the right thing by other people when it first occurs to us to do it, we are on the road to learning how to love with joy!
The world really does need Love.
Love that is outwardly focussed, not a manipulative by-product and after thought of our inner child trying to make ourselves look good!
That's the irony in trying so hard to be unselfconscious. Letting go of the Self in all things, while remaining focussed on this process is akin to a dog chasing its own tail.
Awareness of how we self-deceive is the clue to this letting go. Remaining aware of our inner thought processes in an attitude of love that flows outwards to other people will do very much more to improve all our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves.
Being aware of, but not focused on! This is the strategy I think. Being aware of how I treat others; being aware of when my conscience is deciding between doing the right thing or not by others and choosing to do the right thing anyway; being aware of my emotional responses and taking responsibility for them; defocussing my intentions to be "better", "wiser", "richer", "warmer", "nicer" and "more honest", when in fact these attitudes are, more or less, ways I'm trying to bring more affection and attention towards myself.
By being defocussed on the Self and opening up the heart to allow other people to be themselves without blaming them for it is NOT easy, but I do think it is necessary if we ever hope to create the world of Peace, Love and Hope we aspire to.
How ironic is that? We actually end up feeling better about ourselves when we just forget to try and feel better about ourselves! Go figure!
Friday, July 11, 2008
temping
Last Monday (7th July)... out of the blue, I was offered temporary full-time work as a receptionist at a busy office.
I've never really done this kind of work before.
I literally threw on makeup, clothes...office suitable of course...and tore the brush through my hair and fled out the door to this job!
It was like a bolt from the Heavens!
Only that previous weekend, I had been noting how slack and despondent in my daily routines I was becoming. Unemployment does that to a person, it sucks out the motivation from within like a vacuum cleaner!
Since I left my marriage in May, I've been on the job hunting treadmill; applying to vacancies in the local paper and checking online job sites etc to no avail. I'd get the occasional interview, but nothing much after that.
It's easy to lose your sparkle and your sense of worth after awhile in a situation like this. You wonder why no one wants you and what is it that you're doing wrong. You wonder if you're too old, too ugly, too self-conscious, too anything.
It's a really major mind meltdown if you let it get that way.
I was close.
Most of these past few weeks, I've remained resolutely optimistic that I would find "my ideal job" sometime within the very near future. I tried very deliberately to not let the "rejection" letters in my mailbox get me down.
But after two more arrived Friday week ago, I spent most of last weekend feeling very unsure of myself and anxious to try anything different. As the saying goes, "Keep doing the same old things and you'll keep getting the same results". I didn't want the same results, I needed different results! The bills were coming in my mailbox too and I need to get off the welfare job-seekers miserly "pay" and make my own way in this world!
So there I was! Monday morning. I spent some time chatting to friends in Second Life but after that, I wondered what there was to do in my life that would be constructive and purposeful and would bring some kind of gratifying reward! That was about 11:00am. Then the phone rang.
By 12:10, I was in a busy corporate office, in town here, thrown completely for a loop on a job I've not done before.
The world turns on the head of a pin some days. Sure! It IS only a temporary job, but whatever happens, I'm working and I feel like I'm getting somewhere again. I know I can do this job! I have been doing pieces of it for years!
The job involves lots of things. Meeting, greeting people either face to face, or over the phone. There's lots of typing to do, a huge database to learn, files and procedures and all manner of regulatory obligations etc.
All of it is sort of familiar and so very not. There are pieces of this job I have done many times in the past, but this is the first time I have combined all those pieces into a cohesive role. It's daunting, exhilarating, exasperating, energising and I'm utterly and completely exhausted as I write this after the first (almost) full-time week of working 8:30-5:00 that I've done in some time!
I have no idea when this job will end. Whatever happens, it will still look great on my resume. I'm going to have to learn so much and it surprises me how rusty my short-term memory skills have become! I hope I can get that memory thing back next week ASAP! It's an absolute requirement of the job to have all the T's crossed and all the i's dotted! My shocking...perhaps appalling...short-term memory is going to get a right jolly good old workout at this job, which it well needs.
I worked out my pay for this past week and I am more than gratified. It's better than I could have imagined or expected, so while on the one hand I'm terrified that I'll not make a good enough impression, or do a good enough job to be kept on permanently, I'm also extremely excited at this amazing opportunity for growth, particularly financial!
It still looks great on my resume :) That's gotta count for something in the long run yeah? :)
I'm there next week. After that, who knows? :)
I've never really done this kind of work before.
I literally threw on makeup, clothes...office suitable of course...and tore the brush through my hair and fled out the door to this job!
It was like a bolt from the Heavens!
Only that previous weekend, I had been noting how slack and despondent in my daily routines I was becoming. Unemployment does that to a person, it sucks out the motivation from within like a vacuum cleaner!
Since I left my marriage in May, I've been on the job hunting treadmill; applying to vacancies in the local paper and checking online job sites etc to no avail. I'd get the occasional interview, but nothing much after that.
It's easy to lose your sparkle and your sense of worth after awhile in a situation like this. You wonder why no one wants you and what is it that you're doing wrong. You wonder if you're too old, too ugly, too self-conscious, too anything.
It's a really major mind meltdown if you let it get that way.
I was close.
Most of these past few weeks, I've remained resolutely optimistic that I would find "my ideal job" sometime within the very near future. I tried very deliberately to not let the "rejection" letters in my mailbox get me down.
But after two more arrived Friday week ago, I spent most of last weekend feeling very unsure of myself and anxious to try anything different. As the saying goes, "Keep doing the same old things and you'll keep getting the same results". I didn't want the same results, I needed different results! The bills were coming in my mailbox too and I need to get off the welfare job-seekers miserly "pay" and make my own way in this world!
So there I was! Monday morning. I spent some time chatting to friends in Second Life but after that, I wondered what there was to do in my life that would be constructive and purposeful and would bring some kind of gratifying reward! That was about 11:00am. Then the phone rang.
By 12:10, I was in a busy corporate office, in town here, thrown completely for a loop on a job I've not done before.
The world turns on the head of a pin some days. Sure! It IS only a temporary job, but whatever happens, I'm working and I feel like I'm getting somewhere again. I know I can do this job! I have been doing pieces of it for years!
The job involves lots of things. Meeting, greeting people either face to face, or over the phone. There's lots of typing to do, a huge database to learn, files and procedures and all manner of regulatory obligations etc.
All of it is sort of familiar and so very not. There are pieces of this job I have done many times in the past, but this is the first time I have combined all those pieces into a cohesive role. It's daunting, exhilarating, exasperating, energising and I'm utterly and completely exhausted as I write this after the first (almost) full-time week of working 8:30-5:00 that I've done in some time!
I have no idea when this job will end. Whatever happens, it will still look great on my resume. I'm going to have to learn so much and it surprises me how rusty my short-term memory skills have become! I hope I can get that memory thing back next week ASAP! It's an absolute requirement of the job to have all the T's crossed and all the i's dotted! My shocking...perhaps appalling...short-term memory is going to get a right jolly good old workout at this job, which it well needs.
I worked out my pay for this past week and I am more than gratified. It's better than I could have imagined or expected, so while on the one hand I'm terrified that I'll not make a good enough impression, or do a good enough job to be kept on permanently, I'm also extremely excited at this amazing opportunity for growth, particularly financial!
It still looks great on my resume :) That's gotta count for something in the long run yeah? :)
I'm there next week. After that, who knows? :)
Monday, July 07, 2008
The place and the connection
A very interesting observation recently about how much the types of environments can impact on the natural conversational intimacy of group interactions.
We...aka the group in the Second Life IC... were all together in the confining environment of a "new" flying submarine the lovely 'Daya' brought to the group recently.
Now, in the not too distant past, many of the group had been emphatically insisting on the Perfect Paradise Island remaining a completely naturalistic environment. You know! Beach, sand, tropical plants, camp fires and caves etc. Well...it's as "natural" as SL allows anyway.
What has been interesting is the depth and the level of involved intensity of group members in conversations between the "natural" campfire environments below on the actual island and those that are now occurring within the opulent textured confines of the submarine (ironically floating a couple hundred of metres above the island. :)).
It seems there is something within the human psyche for a kind of place in which intimacy and conversation can naturally take place.
It has been assumed until now that natural environments might engender this kind of conversational freedom but in my recent experience it hasn't been as successful as we might have hoped.
Now with the arrival of the submarine, we have gravitated to the warmly, rich environment of enclosure where the conversations seem to be more vastly ranging in content and in sheer affection among the people engaged in them.
It would be interesting to study this phenomena in First Life. How conversation between members of a group is impacted by the actual physical location in which that conversation is conducted? How does conversing in natural environments, such as bush settings and open spaces compare with people connecting and conversing in different kinds of constructed settings? What kind of neurological and brain chemistry results do we get between the sensation of being "held in" by the walls of our environment as opposed to the expansiveness of open space?
Space and Place obviously have a lot more impact and influence on how and why we relate as people than I'd first thought. It seems that for some of us, there is the need to re-create a sense of bonding within the limitations of enclosure. As Mia suggested "Womb-like", which is a good analogy I think.
It's probably a futile exercise though to research this idea. People connections are so diverse and contingent on an infinite number of variables that to perform accurate measurements for comparison between intimacy in space and intimacy inside would be a nightmare!
The fact remains, that for us on PP, the small group that we are... our strange, opulently textured and bizarre little flying submarine is proving to be a kind of catalyst for bringing people together better than any virtual camp-fire meeting has thus far! :)
And that's a good thing.
We...aka the group in the Second Life IC... were all together in the confining environment of a "new" flying submarine the lovely 'Daya' brought to the group recently.
Now, in the not too distant past, many of the group had been emphatically insisting on the Perfect Paradise Island remaining a completely naturalistic environment. You know! Beach, sand, tropical plants, camp fires and caves etc. Well...it's as "natural" as SL allows anyway.
What has been interesting is the depth and the level of involved intensity of group members in conversations between the "natural" campfire environments below on the actual island and those that are now occurring within the opulent textured confines of the submarine (ironically floating a couple hundred of metres above the island. :)).
It seems there is something within the human psyche for a kind of place in which intimacy and conversation can naturally take place.
It has been assumed until now that natural environments might engender this kind of conversational freedom but in my recent experience it hasn't been as successful as we might have hoped.
Now with the arrival of the submarine, we have gravitated to the warmly, rich environment of enclosure where the conversations seem to be more vastly ranging in content and in sheer affection among the people engaged in them.
It would be interesting to study this phenomena in First Life. How conversation between members of a group is impacted by the actual physical location in which that conversation is conducted? How does conversing in natural environments, such as bush settings and open spaces compare with people connecting and conversing in different kinds of constructed settings? What kind of neurological and brain chemistry results do we get between the sensation of being "held in" by the walls of our environment as opposed to the expansiveness of open space?
Space and Place obviously have a lot more impact and influence on how and why we relate as people than I'd first thought. It seems that for some of us, there is the need to re-create a sense of bonding within the limitations of enclosure. As Mia suggested "Womb-like", which is a good analogy I think.
It's probably a futile exercise though to research this idea. People connections are so diverse and contingent on an infinite number of variables that to perform accurate measurements for comparison between intimacy in space and intimacy inside would be a nightmare!
The fact remains, that for us on PP, the small group that we are... our strange, opulently textured and bizarre little flying submarine is proving to be a kind of catalyst for bringing people together better than any virtual camp-fire meeting has thus far! :)
And that's a good thing.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
"Be Fearless!" said she, from behind the couch.
"Be Fearless!"
This line was said to me again yesterday - and more than once too!
At the time, I considered it a bit of a throwaway line you know. A sort of patronising absolute that I "should" take heed of.
The only problem with it is that I don't really get what it actually means to be "fearless" as such.
I'm about to do some "thinking in words" here... a sort of emergent word play in trying to understand the nature of being fearless. Bear with me! :)
Obviously, "Fearless" is an all-encompassing term for a state of mind; an attitude that approaches life in a particular way.
But what KIND of way?
Much of my psychology operates from the basis of Fear. It's so pervasive and all-encompassing as to seem to be a completely impossible lens to remove, as if it were a benign tumor so embedded in my brain as to be far too dangerous to excise by the surgeons scalpel.
It will have to be shrunk over time using alternative methods.
But what does it mean for someone - who apparently seems to naturally operate in life from the root base that is Fear - to become literally, fearLESS?
What kind of attitude and personality, demeanor and temperament does one display when they're being Fearless?
Fear can be a very healthy attribute. Human beings are wired for a Flight or Fight response deep in the primitive brain stem. Fear allows our senses to be heightened and become acutely aware of our surroundings, enabling us to make split-second choices on how to respond in any number of perceived threatening circumstances. Much of fear is a second guess of what the near future holds based on a myriad of beliefs about the present moment.
The problem with fear is that it can become a self repeating pattern of behaviour that begets other behaviours which come out as either self-defeating, humiliating, limiting and just damned inelegant.
Inelegant I get! If there is one thing I absolutely understand, given my propensity for vanity, it's Elegance.
Elegance: the refined inner beauty of the soul; the understated power of presence; the inherent and beautiful aesthetic of character; humility without self-deception or defeatedness; grace and good humour in dangerous times; perspicacity and awareness. Quite simply....the essence of being Lovely in the midst of a pile of poo!
Ahhh! Now I see what it means to be Fearless!
It's not showing a lack of fear at all...but it is showing gracious courage in the midst of things that might be feared!
It's not so much Confidence as Assurance, that what will be - will be - whatever is meant to be - and a "Damn but I'm gonna give it a go anyway, so to hell with the consequences!" Elegantly speaking of course!
To be Fearless then, is take fear and use it to your advantage, to renegotiate fear from a different set of mind rules than the monster has created in your soul for itself. It's a letting go and flowing into the future, despite Fear. Ergo, the fear tumor is shrunk over time as you rise up inside of yourself and believe you have it in you to take Life on board and do it anyway, with dignity, grace and good humor! :)
Instead of pacing on the side of the river bank moaning about the consequences of drowning, should one swim its width, it's, instead, taking a big breath and plunging gracefully and determinedly into the cold water and swimming (given of course that one has learned to actually swim mind you)... to the other side anyway, accepting that you might drown...perhaps!....possibly!.... maybe!
OR, you might decide instead, that getting across the river requires a different strategy altogether. So, you create other options in your mind that you can act upon to get to the other side of the river!
Fear is a kind of laser focus that heightens the awareness from A SINGULAR PERSPECTIVE! Fear sees things through a problematic lens. It focuses on the results of distorted perceptions emphatically asserting their validity and truth. It's singular in that mindset. It won't let up on it if you arent' aware of that fact. Fear cons you into believing that what you have right here and now is potentially going to do you a great deal of harm within a given set of parameters that only Fear thinks it has the inside scoop on!
If you chill out long enough and re-focus that copious grey mind of yours on the problem at hand and imagine other solutions (not other problems et al)...fear tends to back off in the face of that kind of elegant skill. Letting go of the fear isn't letting go of it in the literal sense, it's a sort of casual gentle smirking within the heart and a sneaky defiance to not hold the monster to his silly word. Elegance likes to prove Fear wrong...beautifully and emphatically.
Elegance is holding ones self in such a way that fear is not the issue but the sheer thrill of being alive is. Just for the fun of it!
Life lived in fear is a crappy, inelegant life.
Rise up then my soul and gird your spiritual loins with the desire to feel the fullness of being Alive!
This isn't arrogant confidence! This is just a bit of poise and a courageous and charming RESPONSE to the vicissitudes that a lifetime brings.
This line was said to me again yesterday - and more than once too!
At the time, I considered it a bit of a throwaway line you know. A sort of patronising absolute that I "should" take heed of.
The only problem with it is that I don't really get what it actually means to be "fearless" as such.
I'm about to do some "thinking in words" here... a sort of emergent word play in trying to understand the nature of being fearless. Bear with me! :)
Obviously, "Fearless" is an all-encompassing term for a state of mind; an attitude that approaches life in a particular way.
But what KIND of way?
Much of my psychology operates from the basis of Fear. It's so pervasive and all-encompassing as to seem to be a completely impossible lens to remove, as if it were a benign tumor so embedded in my brain as to be far too dangerous to excise by the surgeons scalpel.
It will have to be shrunk over time using alternative methods.
But what does it mean for someone - who apparently seems to naturally operate in life from the root base that is Fear - to become literally, fearLESS?
What kind of attitude and personality, demeanor and temperament does one display when they're being Fearless?
Fear can be a very healthy attribute. Human beings are wired for a Flight or Fight response deep in the primitive brain stem. Fear allows our senses to be heightened and become acutely aware of our surroundings, enabling us to make split-second choices on how to respond in any number of perceived threatening circumstances. Much of fear is a second guess of what the near future holds based on a myriad of beliefs about the present moment.
The problem with fear is that it can become a self repeating pattern of behaviour that begets other behaviours which come out as either self-defeating, humiliating, limiting and just damned inelegant.
Inelegant I get! If there is one thing I absolutely understand, given my propensity for vanity, it's Elegance.
Elegance: the refined inner beauty of the soul; the understated power of presence; the inherent and beautiful aesthetic of character; humility without self-deception or defeatedness; grace and good humour in dangerous times; perspicacity and awareness. Quite simply....the essence of being Lovely in the midst of a pile of poo!
Ahhh! Now I see what it means to be Fearless!
It's not showing a lack of fear at all...but it is showing gracious courage in the midst of things that might be feared!
It's not so much Confidence as Assurance, that what will be - will be - whatever is meant to be - and a "Damn but I'm gonna give it a go anyway, so to hell with the consequences!" Elegantly speaking of course!
To be Fearless then, is take fear and use it to your advantage, to renegotiate fear from a different set of mind rules than the monster has created in your soul for itself. It's a letting go and flowing into the future, despite Fear. Ergo, the fear tumor is shrunk over time as you rise up inside of yourself and believe you have it in you to take Life on board and do it anyway, with dignity, grace and good humor! :)
Instead of pacing on the side of the river bank moaning about the consequences of drowning, should one swim its width, it's, instead, taking a big breath and plunging gracefully and determinedly into the cold water and swimming (given of course that one has learned to actually swim mind you)... to the other side anyway, accepting that you might drown...perhaps!....possibly!.... maybe!
OR, you might decide instead, that getting across the river requires a different strategy altogether. So, you create other options in your mind that you can act upon to get to the other side of the river!
Fear is a kind of laser focus that heightens the awareness from A SINGULAR PERSPECTIVE! Fear sees things through a problematic lens. It focuses on the results of distorted perceptions emphatically asserting their validity and truth. It's singular in that mindset. It won't let up on it if you arent' aware of that fact. Fear cons you into believing that what you have right here and now is potentially going to do you a great deal of harm within a given set of parameters that only Fear thinks it has the inside scoop on!
If you chill out long enough and re-focus that copious grey mind of yours on the problem at hand and imagine other solutions (not other problems et al)...fear tends to back off in the face of that kind of elegant skill. Letting go of the fear isn't letting go of it in the literal sense, it's a sort of casual gentle smirking within the heart and a sneaky defiance to not hold the monster to his silly word. Elegance likes to prove Fear wrong...beautifully and emphatically.
Elegance is holding ones self in such a way that fear is not the issue but the sheer thrill of being alive is. Just for the fun of it!
Life lived in fear is a crappy, inelegant life.
Rise up then my soul and gird your spiritual loins with the desire to feel the fullness of being Alive!
This isn't arrogant confidence! This is just a bit of poise and a courageous and charming RESPONSE to the vicissitudes that a lifetime brings.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
more thoughts on the Intentional Community concept
Bat had a really cool observation to make after reading my post about the Second Life Intentional Community.
We were discussing the fundamental differences between making a community in a virtual environment such as second life as opposed to the actual rendering of a physical community.
In Second Life, the differences between the two can be quite profoundly obvious of course and the group have battled through plenty of discussion on what these differences are and how we might actually DO the IC concept (as proposed by Dave and Steve) within the limitations of the Second Life metaverse.
Bat originally observed that the whole notion of using Second Life for this purpose, while not actually flawed as such - but is, however, kind of "silly" when we are paying real world money for the region and items used on the Perfect Paradise island!
Ostensibly, we "should" be aiming to be self-sufficient and using MINIMALIST economic practises ..aka very "simple" means to re-create the Intentional Community model. He always suggests boot-strapping the concept for being sustainable inworld, rather than just throwing real world pocket money at it - which makes the whole experiment a mere doddle and an entertainment rather than a serious attempt at learning a new way to relate to the world... a world....any world! In other words, we design, create, and generate our own items - and Linden Dollars - through our own collective and creative ingenuities!
But his words clicked with me today when he said that what the proposed Second Life model is supposed to do is to give those of us, involved in the process, a way of learning new ways to ADAPT to change both within and outside of Second Life.
With this in mind, it's very true that we cannot even begin to predict what kind of a real world future we are all facing as economies perhaps crash and burn around us and that real world life-styles, incomes, housing options and all the stuff we've taken for granted as being our "right", start to change and metamorphose into other things quite different from our current expectations and experiences!
What IF there were, suddenly, no bees to make honey in the world? What IF we lived in a world where our only real food options were rats and cockroaches? What IF we did indeed have to find caves to live in again because housing, as we currently understand it, was beyond our financial reach?
The notion of learning the attributes that make us able to adapt to changing fortunes, is the key to the Second Life experience. In there, the rules of engagement are almost alien and as such we need to develop ways of understanding how to cope with those differences both as individuals and as teams. Survival means learning to manage, adapt, be aware of and to change our approach to the given environment in which we find ourselves.
What we LEARN from each other within the Second Life IC will be how to integrate and develop those personal strengths, ideas and methods that will help us, as individuals and as a group, to be able to adapt better, to environments that are very different to our actual, current experience of life.
Second Life offers us an ideological platform for making these internal growth changes. By its design, it is an environment that is entirely "different" from the one we have always known. Things work differently, behave differently, have different outcomes and different coping requirements.
It is, however, in here that we can tell the stories that spring from our past, present and imagine the possibilities of our futures, so that we all learn from each other how we might be able to adapt to a changing world outside of Second Life.
It calls us to be honest, to have imagination, to be generous, to strip away all personal ego-centric goals, so that the spirit of intention is one of embracing diversity, simply and ethically, along with our human survival in mind. It calls for the absolute humility to embrace diverse cultures, beliefs and yet still find common grounds for developing loving and sustainable relationships. To learn what it is to be human and what is means to stay that way or evolve into something less or more! To learn how we cope and strategise for the unexpected and how we develop our own survival instincts, both as a group and as individuals.
It will teach us a lot in preparation for the time/times when real life presents us with very different situations we've not encountered before.
The intrinsic ability to adapt to these changes and survive them is the key to making the Second Life IC not only workable but also increasingly important.
It's not about learning how to make honey when we can no longer buy honey... that is only a part of the equation! It is, however, learning how we protect what bees we have now so we, (or our decendents), WILL have honey to make someday! It is also about learning what MIGHT we do if there were no bees in the world ever again! That's just one example of the discussions that could be possible for us.
The options for discussion and relationship have grown exponentially on the basis of this idea! At least for me anyway!
How we survive as individuals in the event of any potential cataclysmic event...good, bad or otherwise... is the key learning we need to make here. The ability to adapt to changing tides is a strength. Doing this adaptive processing as a group is another skill that requires much learning, patience, tolerance and experimentation.
Doing all this within the alien and obscure environment that is Second Life is our first challenge. It may seem idealistic, stupid, excessively fatalistic, or it may indeed be a small, winding track toward creating a new kind of Human Being! Time will tell!
To adapt is Human. To learn how to adapt is beyond being merely human!
We were discussing the fundamental differences between making a community in a virtual environment such as second life as opposed to the actual rendering of a physical community.
In Second Life, the differences between the two can be quite profoundly obvious of course and the group have battled through plenty of discussion on what these differences are and how we might actually DO the IC concept (as proposed by Dave and Steve) within the limitations of the Second Life metaverse.
Bat originally observed that the whole notion of using Second Life for this purpose, while not actually flawed as such - but is, however, kind of "silly" when we are paying real world money for the region and items used on the Perfect Paradise island!
Ostensibly, we "should" be aiming to be self-sufficient and using MINIMALIST economic practises ..aka very "simple" means to re-create the Intentional Community model. He always suggests boot-strapping the concept for being sustainable inworld, rather than just throwing real world pocket money at it - which makes the whole experiment a mere doddle and an entertainment rather than a serious attempt at learning a new way to relate to the world... a world....any world! In other words, we design, create, and generate our own items - and Linden Dollars - through our own collective and creative ingenuities!
But his words clicked with me today when he said that what the proposed Second Life model is supposed to do is to give those of us, involved in the process, a way of learning new ways to ADAPT to change both within and outside of Second Life.
With this in mind, it's very true that we cannot even begin to predict what kind of a real world future we are all facing as economies perhaps crash and burn around us and that real world life-styles, incomes, housing options and all the stuff we've taken for granted as being our "right", start to change and metamorphose into other things quite different from our current expectations and experiences!
What IF there were, suddenly, no bees to make honey in the world? What IF we lived in a world where our only real food options were rats and cockroaches? What IF we did indeed have to find caves to live in again because housing, as we currently understand it, was beyond our financial reach?
The notion of learning the attributes that make us able to adapt to changing fortunes, is the key to the Second Life experience. In there, the rules of engagement are almost alien and as such we need to develop ways of understanding how to cope with those differences both as individuals and as teams. Survival means learning to manage, adapt, be aware of and to change our approach to the given environment in which we find ourselves.
What we LEARN from each other within the Second Life IC will be how to integrate and develop those personal strengths, ideas and methods that will help us, as individuals and as a group, to be able to adapt better, to environments that are very different to our actual, current experience of life.
Second Life offers us an ideological platform for making these internal growth changes. By its design, it is an environment that is entirely "different" from the one we have always known. Things work differently, behave differently, have different outcomes and different coping requirements.
It is, however, in here that we can tell the stories that spring from our past, present and imagine the possibilities of our futures, so that we all learn from each other how we might be able to adapt to a changing world outside of Second Life.
It calls us to be honest, to have imagination, to be generous, to strip away all personal ego-centric goals, so that the spirit of intention is one of embracing diversity, simply and ethically, along with our human survival in mind. It calls for the absolute humility to embrace diverse cultures, beliefs and yet still find common grounds for developing loving and sustainable relationships. To learn what it is to be human and what is means to stay that way or evolve into something less or more! To learn how we cope and strategise for the unexpected and how we develop our own survival instincts, both as a group and as individuals.
It will teach us a lot in preparation for the time/times when real life presents us with very different situations we've not encountered before.
The intrinsic ability to adapt to these changes and survive them is the key to making the Second Life IC not only workable but also increasingly important.
It's not about learning how to make honey when we can no longer buy honey... that is only a part of the equation! It is, however, learning how we protect what bees we have now so we, (or our decendents), WILL have honey to make someday! It is also about learning what MIGHT we do if there were no bees in the world ever again! That's just one example of the discussions that could be possible for us.
The options for discussion and relationship have grown exponentially on the basis of this idea! At least for me anyway!
How we survive as individuals in the event of any potential cataclysmic event...good, bad or otherwise... is the key learning we need to make here. The ability to adapt to changing tides is a strength. Doing this adaptive processing as a group is another skill that requires much learning, patience, tolerance and experimentation.
Doing all this within the alien and obscure environment that is Second Life is our first challenge. It may seem idealistic, stupid, excessively fatalistic, or it may indeed be a small, winding track toward creating a new kind of Human Being! Time will tell!
To adapt is Human. To learn how to adapt is beyond being merely human!
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Welcome to a Perfect Paradise
In Second Life, I have become involved in a tiny movement, of sorts, about socio-bio-political change through the concept of an Intentional Community.
I wrote just the other day on the notion of being "intentional" in our thinking and behaviours but I honestly wasn't thinking, specifically, at the time, about the Intentional Community as I wrote that post.
The Second Life Intentional Community at Perfect Paradise is a virtual experiment as a prelude to the establishment of a real world IC where people choose to come together to live, work, and play with very few "rules", as simply and with as little impact on the planet as possible.
Dave Pollard in How to Save the World, and Steve Hinton of Inventing for the sustainable planet (see links to both blogs below), are both involved in this experiment. Both men are passionate and devoted supporters of the need to develop new strategies and thinking that defy and move outside of current, standardised thought and behavioural processes, such as those espoused by government oligopolies and other fundamentalist organisations.
It is however very difficult to extrapolate most of the intentional characteristics of a real world Intentional Community into one in Second Life.
For one thing, Second Life by its very design makes such notions as physical living spaces, green design, ethical treatment of animals and the environment all moot. These things can only be talked about as theoretical ideas in discussions and conversations within the metaverse itself. The strength of Second Life is though, that people can converge in one place and DISCUSS all these ideas and develop a Community through Conversation.
Second Life offers all of us a glimpse into the possible systems of RELATIONSHIP THROUGH CONSENSUS that would perhaps define and would make (or break) a real world Intentional Community. It is in our very different individual temperaments, thoughts, beliefs, understanding, knowledge and experience that each of us will bring to the group through our relationships and conversations, ways in which extraordinary people can learn to live, work, play and re-design our lives with the whole planet in mind.
The other gift of Second Life is that people can come from entirely divergent real world cultures and locations bringing with them inherent customs and ways of relating that for most of us would be impossible to experience even in a physical commune arrangement.
For the likes of Dave and Steve, who are adamant that our current North World concepts of economy and consumerism - these being the traditional idealogical wellspring of individual wealth, prosperity and happiness - are coming to an abrupt end and that we need to totally rethink and rework these old philosophies so that we do things, not just smarter, but also more ethically for all life on the planet.
The INTENTION is to build small self-sustaining, emergent and loving communities that are not reliant on multi-national, despotic, consumer conglomerates for their daily bread!
And if that sounds completely idealistic and pie-in-the-sky...who knows? It either is or it isn't! It does not mean it's not worth a try eh? The whole truth and nothing but the truth is always a bit murky around the indefinable edges on very BIG ideas such as these. Cynical types will probably suggest we are all tree-hugging greenies who want everyone to move back into the caves and eat nuts and fruits! Well...it worked for a good number of people for a very long time so I guess its quite probable that some would suggest we would be better off doing that kind of lifestyle! But even then, I personally think we'd find ways of keeping the internet and the fridge!
The concept of IC isn't about trying to defeat technology as such...its about using it with as minimal effect as is possible on the planet. Yes! It's a line ball call sometimes, I agree, but the intentions are honorable in that they're about human survival for the generations to come - not just our own skins.
The point to all this though, is that there are people in the world, myself included, who DO understand that the way we are living currently, might be rather easy and comfortable but it is also a lifestyle that is coming at a rather exacting price - one we rarely see or calculate accurately. We all need to understand the nature of that price we are each paying for our pursuit of The Good Life - as we've come to understand that ideal so far.
It is men like Dave and Steve who are proposing theoretical and ideological dreams for what CAN be possible if we learn how to work together collaboratively in very different ways to what we have always known and taken for granted.
So, I invite those reading who are interested in building a virtual world community of very diverse people from around the real world globe, who are trying through concrete intention, to make it better for everyone, to come along to Perfect Paradise and enjoy good companionship, conversation and all the learning possibilities we've only just begun to consider.
*Gaia Blog about the Perfect Paradise IC in Second Life*
*Steve's Blog - Inventing for a sustainable planet.*
*Dave's Blog - How to Save the World*
I wrote just the other day on the notion of being "intentional" in our thinking and behaviours but I honestly wasn't thinking, specifically, at the time, about the Intentional Community as I wrote that post.
The Second Life Intentional Community at Perfect Paradise is a virtual experiment as a prelude to the establishment of a real world IC where people choose to come together to live, work, and play with very few "rules", as simply and with as little impact on the planet as possible.
Dave Pollard in How to Save the World, and Steve Hinton of Inventing for the sustainable planet (see links to both blogs below), are both involved in this experiment. Both men are passionate and devoted supporters of the need to develop new strategies and thinking that defy and move outside of current, standardised thought and behavioural processes, such as those espoused by government oligopolies and other fundamentalist organisations.
It is however very difficult to extrapolate most of the intentional characteristics of a real world Intentional Community into one in Second Life.
For one thing, Second Life by its very design makes such notions as physical living spaces, green design, ethical treatment of animals and the environment all moot. These things can only be talked about as theoretical ideas in discussions and conversations within the metaverse itself. The strength of Second Life is though, that people can converge in one place and DISCUSS all these ideas and develop a Community through Conversation.
Second Life offers all of us a glimpse into the possible systems of RELATIONSHIP THROUGH CONSENSUS that would perhaps define and would make (or break) a real world Intentional Community. It is in our very different individual temperaments, thoughts, beliefs, understanding, knowledge and experience that each of us will bring to the group through our relationships and conversations, ways in which extraordinary people can learn to live, work, play and re-design our lives with the whole planet in mind.
The other gift of Second Life is that people can come from entirely divergent real world cultures and locations bringing with them inherent customs and ways of relating that for most of us would be impossible to experience even in a physical commune arrangement.
For the likes of Dave and Steve, who are adamant that our current North World concepts of economy and consumerism - these being the traditional idealogical wellspring of individual wealth, prosperity and happiness - are coming to an abrupt end and that we need to totally rethink and rework these old philosophies so that we do things, not just smarter, but also more ethically for all life on the planet.
The INTENTION is to build small self-sustaining, emergent and loving communities that are not reliant on multi-national, despotic, consumer conglomerates for their daily bread!
And if that sounds completely idealistic and pie-in-the-sky...who knows? It either is or it isn't! It does not mean it's not worth a try eh? The whole truth and nothing but the truth is always a bit murky around the indefinable edges on very BIG ideas such as these. Cynical types will probably suggest we are all tree-hugging greenies who want everyone to move back into the caves and eat nuts and fruits! Well...it worked for a good number of people for a very long time so I guess its quite probable that some would suggest we would be better off doing that kind of lifestyle! But even then, I personally think we'd find ways of keeping the internet and the fridge!
The concept of IC isn't about trying to defeat technology as such...its about using it with as minimal effect as is possible on the planet. Yes! It's a line ball call sometimes, I agree, but the intentions are honorable in that they're about human survival for the generations to come - not just our own skins.
The point to all this though, is that there are people in the world, myself included, who DO understand that the way we are living currently, might be rather easy and comfortable but it is also a lifestyle that is coming at a rather exacting price - one we rarely see or calculate accurately. We all need to understand the nature of that price we are each paying for our pursuit of The Good Life - as we've come to understand that ideal so far.
It is men like Dave and Steve who are proposing theoretical and ideological dreams for what CAN be possible if we learn how to work together collaboratively in very different ways to what we have always known and taken for granted.
So, I invite those reading who are interested in building a virtual world community of very diverse people from around the real world globe, who are trying through concrete intention, to make it better for everyone, to come along to Perfect Paradise and enjoy good companionship, conversation and all the learning possibilities we've only just begun to consider.
*Gaia Blog about the Perfect Paradise IC in Second Life*
*Steve's Blog - Inventing for a sustainable planet.*
*Dave's Blog - How to Save the World*
Sunday, June 29, 2008
is forgiveness an art form?
Forgiveness is a word that is bandied about by many in christian circles. Even many new age and secular philosophies espouse the virtues of forgiveness.
Can people genuinely forgive though?
Is it so that people don't really like to forgive a wrong done to them?
Human beings are flawed with a "me" brush that taints every aspect of their lives. It begins inside our hearts when we neglect to do what is right by others and seek to place ourselves into a superior position.
the majority of 'sin' is competition for a personal supremacy above all else.
when we are asked to forgive...we are being asked to forgo our notions of saving face amongst others. We are being asked to eliminate dishonesty, but first, with ourselves and admit our part in the story. Forgiveness asks us to be aware of our own part in the story and admit our own fault and weakness.
Forgiveness is probably the toughest thing for a human being anywhere. We can do all the surface appearances of forgiving someone, but unless there is a change of our own minds and hearts deep within, where we SEE our role and our position in the drama that has thus far unfolded, we cannot ever hope to have the well-springs of love and compassion fill us to the point where true forgiveness can occur.
Forgiveness is fully accepting our responsibility in life's tapestry. It is about accepting other people as having their own choices and responses to the things we do to them and not entering into a spirit of competition to build our ego above theirs.
Forgiveness is humility without manipulation or subjugation of our rights as people. It is not about allowing others to do wrong to us, but it is about letting them have their own motives and not trying to outdo them for the privilege of having "better than" motives.
We are not being above people when we forgive and if we are... it isn't forgiveness we are demonstrating but superiority out of a malevolent desire to beat them at morality games.
Forgiveness is completely and utterly simple when its done in truth and love. There is no rancour, no supplication, no manipulation, no strident moralism and no dishonesty...either with ones self or with the forgiven one.
Can we forget in our forgiving? No! I think people are too flawed for this kind of generosity. However, real forgiveness moves on from the past and does not focus on it but rebuilds a new starting point for growth where trust and a better kind of relationship can grow. It's certainly not about dredging up the past mistakes in a futile attempt to shame the other into noting how grand we have been to "forgive" them! It can be very hard to forget past wrongs even so.
The essential ingredients of forgiveness are:
1) Honesty. First with ourselves. The question we all must ask "Where have *I* been in the wrong on this?" This is a critical step; for when we are prepared to face our own dishonesty and forgive that which is wrong within ourselves, can we see the truth of another without the distortion of our misaligned emotional mirror.
2) Trust. Demonstrating trust in another person instills more than just confidence, it actually engenders Love. It isn't so much as giving someone a mere second chance, its a complete rubbing out of the mistake and a granting of a clean slate to start it all over one more time. To make mistakes is very human. If we understand this, we can allow trust to develop. If trust is taken away, then there can be no real forgiveness.
3) Love. Unconditional Love may be practically impossible to achieve for people, given our flaws and our very human weakness for self-aggrandizement. But still, aiming for 'Really Close To Unconditional Love', as we forgive one another, is possible when we give up trying to be Better Than and simply opt for Equal To.
Forgiveness is a kind of art form I guess. It's an artistic process though, more than the final painting. Forgiveness is a journey of the heart, mind and soul in tandem with each other. It is thought and heart simultaneously combining in a commitment based on a kind of love that goes beyond mere platitudes and familial understanding. It's the highest expression of the humble and the "meek", whom it is said will someday inherit the earth.
Getting over ourselves is the first hurdle to being able to forgive honestly, truthfully, with dignity, grace and good humour.
Can people genuinely forgive though?
Is it so that people don't really like to forgive a wrong done to them?
Human beings are flawed with a "me" brush that taints every aspect of their lives. It begins inside our hearts when we neglect to do what is right by others and seek to place ourselves into a superior position.
the majority of 'sin' is competition for a personal supremacy above all else.
when we are asked to forgive...we are being asked to forgo our notions of saving face amongst others. We are being asked to eliminate dishonesty, but first, with ourselves and admit our part in the story. Forgiveness asks us to be aware of our own part in the story and admit our own fault and weakness.
Forgiveness is probably the toughest thing for a human being anywhere. We can do all the surface appearances of forgiving someone, but unless there is a change of our own minds and hearts deep within, where we SEE our role and our position in the drama that has thus far unfolded, we cannot ever hope to have the well-springs of love and compassion fill us to the point where true forgiveness can occur.
Forgiveness is fully accepting our responsibility in life's tapestry. It is about accepting other people as having their own choices and responses to the things we do to them and not entering into a spirit of competition to build our ego above theirs.
Forgiveness is humility without manipulation or subjugation of our rights as people. It is not about allowing others to do wrong to us, but it is about letting them have their own motives and not trying to outdo them for the privilege of having "better than" motives.
We are not being above people when we forgive and if we are... it isn't forgiveness we are demonstrating but superiority out of a malevolent desire to beat them at morality games.
Forgiveness is completely and utterly simple when its done in truth and love. There is no rancour, no supplication, no manipulation, no strident moralism and no dishonesty...either with ones self or with the forgiven one.
Can we forget in our forgiving? No! I think people are too flawed for this kind of generosity. However, real forgiveness moves on from the past and does not focus on it but rebuilds a new starting point for growth where trust and a better kind of relationship can grow. It's certainly not about dredging up the past mistakes in a futile attempt to shame the other into noting how grand we have been to "forgive" them! It can be very hard to forget past wrongs even so.
The essential ingredients of forgiveness are:
1) Honesty. First with ourselves. The question we all must ask "Where have *I* been in the wrong on this?" This is a critical step; for when we are prepared to face our own dishonesty and forgive that which is wrong within ourselves, can we see the truth of another without the distortion of our misaligned emotional mirror.
2) Trust. Demonstrating trust in another person instills more than just confidence, it actually engenders Love. It isn't so much as giving someone a mere second chance, its a complete rubbing out of the mistake and a granting of a clean slate to start it all over one more time. To make mistakes is very human. If we understand this, we can allow trust to develop. If trust is taken away, then there can be no real forgiveness.
3) Love. Unconditional Love may be practically impossible to achieve for people, given our flaws and our very human weakness for self-aggrandizement. But still, aiming for 'Really Close To Unconditional Love', as we forgive one another, is possible when we give up trying to be Better Than and simply opt for Equal To.
Forgiveness is a kind of art form I guess. It's an artistic process though, more than the final painting. Forgiveness is a journey of the heart, mind and soul in tandem with each other. It is thought and heart simultaneously combining in a commitment based on a kind of love that goes beyond mere platitudes and familial understanding. It's the highest expression of the humble and the "meek", whom it is said will someday inherit the earth.
Getting over ourselves is the first hurdle to being able to forgive honestly, truthfully, with dignity, grace and good humour.
everyone's talking intentional
in.ten.tion
in.ten.tion.al
Hmmmm
A lot of my blog reading and conversations, especially online over the course of the past two or three years, have had this strong theme of "being intentional" running through them. Not always at the forefront of conversations as an actual topic, but definitely as an underlying philosophy and concept.
It seems that many in the western world consider the logic of determination in ones life and living to be a value of great importance and a worthy aim.
Some bloggers call it by other names... such as "living consciously". Even I include the word "coherence" in my blog which I guess if you extrapolated would become "intentionality" in living ones life in the end.
What does it really mean though to be INTENTIONAL about life?
Life is an infinite number of decisions we make every day from what kinds of clothes we'll wear to whether or not to support a particular political or ethical concept. The highest value of all in our culture is the freedom to think and decide the destiny of our lives as we please.
But what does the philosophy of being intentional really mean here? Is it about the ego self making justifications for gratifying decisions that have nothing to do with the care and concern of others or the world around us?
No! I don't think so. In some cases yes but that's not the majority of bloggers out here. Most seem to park the label of "Intention" firmly in the camp of being careful about the decisions we make every day. About the consequences of our choices and how we choose to make our lives. I think a lot of us are hoping that we let go a little of the ego-centricity of choice and start thinking a little more globally. Many of us are looking for choices based on Love rather than economics or policy.
Thing is... we can be as intentional about life as we like but life is also ACCIDENTAL and so therefore is Love. And Hope. And Faith.
These things can blindside us or sneak up on us when we least expect them.
Intentional is a lofty aim of the human psyche and a worthy one indeed. But I reckon we should never discount that life is very much about the Accidental too.
Accidental life isn't about being unaware of what is happening around us but it is being open and available to the surprises! So, in the midst of planning to live a certain way and be a certain way or intend a kind of life that is evolved and conscious and aware...we need to also risk allowing the accidental into our lives as well.
Jealousy, anger, strife, unemployment, hatred, dishonour et al: All these things constitute life as well. They're not welcome sure! But they exist, and while I'm not suggesting we warmly embrace them as ideals to aspire to, we do need to be careful we don't beat our higher moral selves over the head too much when they sneakily intrude on our good intentions.
Intentional living can imply we want the perfect life! We want to keep rising above and above and above into the realm of the gods - always climbing the consciousness tower of babel in our pursuit to be worthy and unsullied.
That kind of intentional won't work. It starts from a false imperative anyway... the ego Self, which is always about "ME FIRST!". Being intentional isn't about climbing some psychological or spiritual ladder of the personal best.
Being intentional is about being open to life and aware of all its vicissitudes and about not holding the bee stings we get sometimes against anyone else, but asking ourselves why we had our hand in that particular beehive in the first place! It's about learning the truth behind our own motives and emotional responses. It's about wanting to seek love and understanding not just for ourselves but for the people we hardly bear to think about every single day. It's about forgiveness and the welcoming of Joy into the lives of everyone. Because we ALL matter.
The accident of life is that we didn't have a choice to arrive here. Who's intention was it? Gods or our parents or a combo of both - and that's cool. The other accident of life is that life is an accident of nature every single day...one we so take for granted we forget that it is indeed a pure bloody amazing miracle it even exists at all. What we attempt to DO with this accident is the journey of thought that does most of our philosophical heads in.
Maybe being intentional isn't the purpose we need to seek. Maybe... we need to just lighten up and love life for what it is...even the ugly bits. Maybe we need to not try so hard to be so flaming LOGICAL about everything in our lives and allow a few accidents spice things up a bit and make us more interesting...make LIFE more interesting. We can't put life in a road rut. Life will go on around us...we put ourselves into a road rut.
Yeah? You can choose the road rut if you want to but don't be so naive to think that by your being "intentional" in not choosing that rut...you're actually just choosing another different set of road ruts a few latitudes over! :) Sometimes life asks us to travel a particular set of road ruts for a reason we can't figure out until we get there. Life's sneaky like that.
QYB
–noun
1. an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result.
2. the end or object intended; purpose.
3. intentions,
a. purpose or attitude toward the effect of one's actions or conduct: a bungler with good intentions.
b. purpose or attitude with respect to marriage: Our friends are beginning to ask what our intentions are.
4. the act or fact of intending.
5. Logic.
a. Also called first intention, primary intention. reference by signs, concepts, etc., to concrete things, their properties, classes, or the relationships among them.
b. Also called second intention, secondary intention. reference to properties, classes, or the relationships among first intentions.
6. Surgery, Medicine/Medical. a manner or process of healing, as in the healing of a lesion or fracture without granulation (healing by first intention) or the healing of a wound by granulation after suppuration (healing by second intention).
7. meaning or significance: The intention of his words was clear.
8. the person or thing meant to benefit from a prayer or religious offering
in.ten.tion.al
–adjective
1. done with intention or on purpose; intended: an intentional insult.
2. of or pertaining to intention or purpose.
3. Metaphysics.
a. pertaining to an appearance, phenomenon, or representation in the mind; phenomenal; representational.
b. pertaining to the capacity of the mind to refer to an existent or nonexistent object.
c. pointing beyond itself, as consciousness or a sign.
Hmmmm
A lot of my blog reading and conversations, especially online over the course of the past two or three years, have had this strong theme of "being intentional" running through them. Not always at the forefront of conversations as an actual topic, but definitely as an underlying philosophy and concept.
It seems that many in the western world consider the logic of determination in ones life and living to be a value of great importance and a worthy aim.
Some bloggers call it by other names... such as "living consciously". Even I include the word "coherence" in my blog which I guess if you extrapolated would become "intentionality" in living ones life in the end.
What does it really mean though to be INTENTIONAL about life?
Life is an infinite number of decisions we make every day from what kinds of clothes we'll wear to whether or not to support a particular political or ethical concept. The highest value of all in our culture is the freedom to think and decide the destiny of our lives as we please.
But what does the philosophy of being intentional really mean here? Is it about the ego self making justifications for gratifying decisions that have nothing to do with the care and concern of others or the world around us?
No! I don't think so. In some cases yes but that's not the majority of bloggers out here. Most seem to park the label of "Intention" firmly in the camp of being careful about the decisions we make every day. About the consequences of our choices and how we choose to make our lives. I think a lot of us are hoping that we let go a little of the ego-centricity of choice and start thinking a little more globally. Many of us are looking for choices based on Love rather than economics or policy.
Thing is... we can be as intentional about life as we like but life is also ACCIDENTAL and so therefore is Love. And Hope. And Faith.
These things can blindside us or sneak up on us when we least expect them.
Intentional is a lofty aim of the human psyche and a worthy one indeed. But I reckon we should never discount that life is very much about the Accidental too.
Accidental life isn't about being unaware of what is happening around us but it is being open and available to the surprises! So, in the midst of planning to live a certain way and be a certain way or intend a kind of life that is evolved and conscious and aware...we need to also risk allowing the accidental into our lives as well.
Jealousy, anger, strife, unemployment, hatred, dishonour et al: All these things constitute life as well. They're not welcome sure! But they exist, and while I'm not suggesting we warmly embrace them as ideals to aspire to, we do need to be careful we don't beat our higher moral selves over the head too much when they sneakily intrude on our good intentions.
Intentional living can imply we want the perfect life! We want to keep rising above and above and above into the realm of the gods - always climbing the consciousness tower of babel in our pursuit to be worthy and unsullied.
That kind of intentional won't work. It starts from a false imperative anyway... the ego Self, which is always about "ME FIRST!". Being intentional isn't about climbing some psychological or spiritual ladder of the personal best.
Being intentional is about being open to life and aware of all its vicissitudes and about not holding the bee stings we get sometimes against anyone else, but asking ourselves why we had our hand in that particular beehive in the first place! It's about learning the truth behind our own motives and emotional responses. It's about wanting to seek love and understanding not just for ourselves but for the people we hardly bear to think about every single day. It's about forgiveness and the welcoming of Joy into the lives of everyone. Because we ALL matter.
The accident of life is that we didn't have a choice to arrive here. Who's intention was it? Gods or our parents or a combo of both - and that's cool. The other accident of life is that life is an accident of nature every single day...one we so take for granted we forget that it is indeed a pure bloody amazing miracle it even exists at all. What we attempt to DO with this accident is the journey of thought that does most of our philosophical heads in.
Maybe being intentional isn't the purpose we need to seek. Maybe... we need to just lighten up and love life for what it is...even the ugly bits. Maybe we need to not try so hard to be so flaming LOGICAL about everything in our lives and allow a few accidents spice things up a bit and make us more interesting...make LIFE more interesting. We can't put life in a road rut. Life will go on around us...we put ourselves into a road rut.
Yeah? You can choose the road rut if you want to but don't be so naive to think that by your being "intentional" in not choosing that rut...you're actually just choosing another different set of road ruts a few latitudes over! :) Sometimes life asks us to travel a particular set of road ruts for a reason we can't figure out until we get there. Life's sneaky like that.
QYB
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Labels as coffins or spring-boards
Interesting observation today.
How do you define the stuff in your life? Not only in the physical realm but also in the concepts, ideas, images, stories, and imaginative processes you contain inside your head?
For me, the process of labelling or naming concepts seems to be an important strategy in helping me achieve coherence and full comprehension of the thing.
If something such as an idea or a relationship is too vast in its scope, it becomes overwhelmingly difficult to describe simply and usefully. It begins to lack coherence and for me, begins to become unwieldy and totally incomprehensible.
If there is one thing I have learned recently...I have a hard time with anything that is incomprehensible! If it doesn't make sense to me, I either ignore it completely or else, enter into a sort of emotional/intellectual guerrilla warfare with it!
The process of naming things I've talked about here before. It seems to be a strong value of mine - to be able to name something in such a way that builds in the full meaning and therefore...coherence; understanding and recognition etc.
The trick to this though is to ensure that the labels are not coffins!
By this I mean that that which we name or label does not become so confining in its definition that the original idea and concept dies, leaving a mere title for nothing much at all.
The labelling process...especially for ideas...needs to have a kind of built in mutability in it that allows the idea behind the label to grow, morph and develop freely. The label then becomes not just a name but a living identity for the idea!
Just like when we name our babies...we believe those names will be with them for life. The child grows with their name and their name defines them but it should never confine them. It's important, as a parent, to choose a name that serves the child into their old age and acts as a spring-board to a life-time of growth. Only really dumb parents give children the sorts of idiotic names that can potentially and severely limit a child's growth and joy as a person...but that depends on the child too in the end.
The thing is...the words we use to call our stuff... not only defines the stuff but also grows the stuff, unless we label it in such a way that effectively kills it!
I hadn't realised until now just how important the process of naming/labelling is to the human psyche...at least to mine anyway.
To define or confine? That is the question!
How do you define the stuff in your life? Not only in the physical realm but also in the concepts, ideas, images, stories, and imaginative processes you contain inside your head?
For me, the process of labelling or naming concepts seems to be an important strategy in helping me achieve coherence and full comprehension of the thing.
If something such as an idea or a relationship is too vast in its scope, it becomes overwhelmingly difficult to describe simply and usefully. It begins to lack coherence and for me, begins to become unwieldy and totally incomprehensible.
If there is one thing I have learned recently...I have a hard time with anything that is incomprehensible! If it doesn't make sense to me, I either ignore it completely or else, enter into a sort of emotional/intellectual guerrilla warfare with it!
The process of naming things I've talked about here before. It seems to be a strong value of mine - to be able to name something in such a way that builds in the full meaning and therefore...coherence; understanding and recognition etc.
The trick to this though is to ensure that the labels are not coffins!
By this I mean that that which we name or label does not become so confining in its definition that the original idea and concept dies, leaving a mere title for nothing much at all.
The labelling process...especially for ideas...needs to have a kind of built in mutability in it that allows the idea behind the label to grow, morph and develop freely. The label then becomes not just a name but a living identity for the idea!
Just like when we name our babies...we believe those names will be with them for life. The child grows with their name and their name defines them but it should never confine them. It's important, as a parent, to choose a name that serves the child into their old age and acts as a spring-board to a life-time of growth. Only really dumb parents give children the sorts of idiotic names that can potentially and severely limit a child's growth and joy as a person...but that depends on the child too in the end.
The thing is...the words we use to call our stuff... not only defines the stuff but also grows the stuff, unless we label it in such a way that effectively kills it!
I hadn't realised until now just how important the process of naming/labelling is to the human psyche...at least to mine anyway.
To define or confine? That is the question!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
For Soj... one pair of butterfly wings.
[Photo taken by Soj himself in a butterfly enclosure in Costa Rica awhile ago. Thanks Soj].
Soj in Second Life was "pissed" because I hadn't really described the process of my metamorphosis from being an entirely angst ridden, self-absorbed trauma addict to the bright, shiny, hyper-happy butterfly I'd sort of presented myself as being in my last post.
To be entirely truthful...I am not fully emerged from the chrysalis yet. I have my "moments" where I regress into that seething pile of frustrating, angry "I'm NOT TO BLAME" ardour.
But in the interests of balance...I AM making headway on my emotional state and there are more bright moments now than depressing dark ones.
metamorphosing ones inner child from lonely, self-abused, emotionally bankrupt urchin with a penchant for blaming everyone and everything for her ills and woes to gregarious, open, honest and assuredly confident and integrated adult who takes full responsibility for her emotional state is not an easy job.
To squeeze ones emotional body out of the hard, crusty unforgiving cocoon of ones own making is neither comfortable or even a comforting prospect really. It seems so very much easier to remain inside where its dark and safe and lonely and you don't have to take any responsibility for anything because you're effectively stuck anyway.
If you WANT to be a butterfly...you have to want give birth to that idea.
You have to accept you HAVE grown emotional wings inside that tight, claustrophobic hull you're wearing so proudly and that those wings need light in order to be made ready for flight.
Butterflies that emerge from their shell probably don't necessarily choose to leave it ...it's just that they simply outgrow it and must therefore break their way out to get air, breathe and spread their wings with relief. The process isn't pretty, and nor, I guess, is it especially comfortable for the butterfly, but it gets done nonetheless. The unforeseen and unknown possibilities are always better than the known and all too familiar confines of self-restricting anger and resentment.
Even when we confine ourselves inside emotional chrysalises, we grow!
It's a strange thing yeah? That we can grow even when we refuse to realise or want it. Most of our lives as human beings is spent in thinking we are owed something by the world. We think in terms of ourselves being always right and everyone else being sadly mistaken about that fact. We approach from the position of defensive aggression , from a place of mistrust and miserly control of our internal emotional resources.
I know this because I see myself do it everyday. I hate being made to look as little as I believe myself to be inside...so I give everyone else the responsibility of making me look better than I feel I am.
We all do this. It's not unique to me. It's a human tragedy of infinite proportions. We all hate being made to look as inferior as we actually believe ourselves to be, so we accuse, blame, assault, get angry with and argue with anyone who dares imply we're not as cool as we think we ought to be.
When we give up fighting with our INNER bean and love it without puffing it up with false pride or beating it over the virtual head with patronising platitudes, we actually stop trying to protect ourselves and we can begin to love other people just because....we love them...no reciprocation or validation required.
That's a metamorphisis!
As I said...I have quite a ways to go though to get to this point. It's happening and in time I won't need to be so self-absorbed because I'll just be myself...
...............no reciprocation or validation required. I be butterfly.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
metamorphisis
Everyone is afraid of something.
I noticed this yesterday on a walk around town. I smiled at people because I felt happy and content with my life as it currently stands. The angst is dissolving and I'm moving back into a space of open-hearted joy for the world at large. (I can hear a collective sigh of relief from everyone who has endured my self-obsessed woes of the past few months)
As I smiled at people in a spirit of collective "We're-all-in-this-together" camaraderie, it fascinated me to note that for many people... it simply scared them! I could SENSE the depths of their confusion and fear, the instant a stranger - me - gave them recognition and encouragement in my acknowledgment of them.
If you look someone in the eye and accept them just as they come with no defensive strategies of your own standing by in readiness, it's amazing how people can react to that. Only one person grinned back at me in that reciprocated spirit of "Yeah! I hear you!" acceptance.
The rest shifted their eyes uncomfortably away from mine and their body posture was instantly guarded and defensive. I could almost hear them thinking "What does SHE want from me?" clanging in the back of their minds. Their discomfort made me ache for them. How sad it is to be so defensive and guarded against the people around you because you mistrust every motive and attitude they present to you.
Perhaps I sound a tad arrogant in saying that. It wasn't that I was feeling patronizing or superior to these dear people I'd never met before...it was just that I wanted to express the heart of burgeoning joy I am beginning to feel within myself. That feeling of being centred and undeterred by emotional forces within. I wanted to smile. I guess I wanted the world to smile back and when it didn't I was astonished to see how much fear is really out there.
I didn't take offence that the world did not smile back in full measure today. The observation I made, showed me clearly that the world really does indeed, need Love.
A genuine love which is accepting of the truth about people without demanding that the self be gratified or vindicated.
Too much of this life is about The Self. The universal lie is that we believe ourselves to be of so little value that we have to puff ourselves up so we can assuage our own self-condemnation. We do this by blaming everyone and everything - but ourselves - for everything else we think, say and do. (Much of this is of course explained in much greater depth in the book I am currently reading, "Bonds that Make us Free". You can see it in the box in the top right corner of my blog page)
It's a tough lesson though. I am being awakened to the deep flaws of my very character and discovering the extent of my total self-absorption which I've been indulging for many years.
The steps to change won't perhaps happen overnight but the journey towards being more loving, gentle, patient, kind and genuine with people is a quest of such great importance and power for change in the world, I'm willing to do what it takes to make these changes happen.
The irony being that this process is NOT about me at all! It's about LOVE. It's about HOPE and it's about FAITH that others are deserving of so much more from me than I need to get from them. It's a lesson in compassion, patience, forthright acknowledgment of their significance and meaning, and yes! Forgiveness. The greatest discoveries of hope and happiness come from losing our notions of Self and then allow the light from others shine their truth on us.
People are valuable. We, all of us, are our own worst enemy in relationships. When we lose the desire to be proven "better than" and let the light of others show us their truth, we can simply love them and be exactly ourselves toward them without having to try.
Love is the natural quality and quantity that comes from knowing the truth.
I noticed this yesterday on a walk around town. I smiled at people because I felt happy and content with my life as it currently stands. The angst is dissolving and I'm moving back into a space of open-hearted joy for the world at large. (I can hear a collective sigh of relief from everyone who has endured my self-obsessed woes of the past few months)
As I smiled at people in a spirit of collective "We're-all-in-this-together" camaraderie, it fascinated me to note that for many people... it simply scared them! I could SENSE the depths of their confusion and fear, the instant a stranger - me - gave them recognition and encouragement in my acknowledgment of them.
If you look someone in the eye and accept them just as they come with no defensive strategies of your own standing by in readiness, it's amazing how people can react to that. Only one person grinned back at me in that reciprocated spirit of "Yeah! I hear you!" acceptance.
The rest shifted their eyes uncomfortably away from mine and their body posture was instantly guarded and defensive. I could almost hear them thinking "What does SHE want from me?" clanging in the back of their minds. Their discomfort made me ache for them. How sad it is to be so defensive and guarded against the people around you because you mistrust every motive and attitude they present to you.
Perhaps I sound a tad arrogant in saying that. It wasn't that I was feeling patronizing or superior to these dear people I'd never met before...it was just that I wanted to express the heart of burgeoning joy I am beginning to feel within myself. That feeling of being centred and undeterred by emotional forces within. I wanted to smile. I guess I wanted the world to smile back and when it didn't I was astonished to see how much fear is really out there.
I didn't take offence that the world did not smile back in full measure today. The observation I made, showed me clearly that the world really does indeed, need Love.
A genuine love which is accepting of the truth about people without demanding that the self be gratified or vindicated.
Too much of this life is about The Self. The universal lie is that we believe ourselves to be of so little value that we have to puff ourselves up so we can assuage our own self-condemnation. We do this by blaming everyone and everything - but ourselves - for everything else we think, say and do. (Much of this is of course explained in much greater depth in the book I am currently reading, "Bonds that Make us Free". You can see it in the box in the top right corner of my blog page)
It's a tough lesson though. I am being awakened to the deep flaws of my very character and discovering the extent of my total self-absorption which I've been indulging for many years.
The steps to change won't perhaps happen overnight but the journey towards being more loving, gentle, patient, kind and genuine with people is a quest of such great importance and power for change in the world, I'm willing to do what it takes to make these changes happen.
The irony being that this process is NOT about me at all! It's about LOVE. It's about HOPE and it's about FAITH that others are deserving of so much more from me than I need to get from them. It's a lesson in compassion, patience, forthright acknowledgment of their significance and meaning, and yes! Forgiveness. The greatest discoveries of hope and happiness come from losing our notions of Self and then allow the light from others shine their truth on us.
People are valuable. We, all of us, are our own worst enemy in relationships. When we lose the desire to be proven "better than" and let the light of others show us their truth, we can simply love them and be exactly ourselves toward them without having to try.
Love is the natural quality and quantity that comes from knowing the truth.
Monday, June 16, 2008
catalyst blink moment
You can learn a LOT in the briefest of moments.
I had a revelation hit me about a behaviour I was doing just from reading a junk email today! It hit me like the proverbial tonne of bricks that what it was saying was exactly what I'd been doing wrong in some of my relationships.
Sometimes, you will "hear" wisdom come at you from everywhere but you never really "get" it. You try and try and try to understand what it is that is blocking you from getting what you want and still you keep going around in circles wondering where the light switch is. People are shouting the answers to you but you have cotton wool stuffed into your psychological ears and can't hear a thing they are telling you. Logic and intelligence tell you all the theory but you simply cannot make it gel with what you are really feeling emotionally. You feel like you are in a maze without a ball of string.
Then one day...when you least expect it...and WHERE you least expect it...you get this resounding THUMP inside your head and you KNOW what the problem has been. Your logic and your emotions suddenly create synergy and you know and see what has been eluding you for so long!
For me, my thumping great catalyst blink moment came in the form of a junk email newsletter I get sometimes. I sometimes read these if the headline is intriguing enough. I won't elaborate on what it said, but just that the message was enough to finally help me SEE what I had been misunderstanding for so long.
Suffice it to say that NOW I have even more work to do on my personal development to learn from this kick up the arse and never repeat it again.
A part of me is deliriously happy that I have clarity at last...and another part of me is shaking in its boots as to what this is really going to mean to have to change it.
I had a revelation hit me about a behaviour I was doing just from reading a junk email today! It hit me like the proverbial tonne of bricks that what it was saying was exactly what I'd been doing wrong in some of my relationships.
Sometimes, you will "hear" wisdom come at you from everywhere but you never really "get" it. You try and try and try to understand what it is that is blocking you from getting what you want and still you keep going around in circles wondering where the light switch is. People are shouting the answers to you but you have cotton wool stuffed into your psychological ears and can't hear a thing they are telling you. Logic and intelligence tell you all the theory but you simply cannot make it gel with what you are really feeling emotionally. You feel like you are in a maze without a ball of string.
Then one day...when you least expect it...and WHERE you least expect it...you get this resounding THUMP inside your head and you KNOW what the problem has been. Your logic and your emotions suddenly create synergy and you know and see what has been eluding you for so long!
For me, my thumping great catalyst blink moment came in the form of a junk email newsletter I get sometimes. I sometimes read these if the headline is intriguing enough. I won't elaborate on what it said, but just that the message was enough to finally help me SEE what I had been misunderstanding for so long.
Suffice it to say that NOW I have even more work to do on my personal development to learn from this kick up the arse and never repeat it again.
A part of me is deliriously happy that I have clarity at last...and another part of me is shaking in its boots as to what this is really going to mean to have to change it.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Bass me to joy Porcupine Tree
I went for a big long walk today to re-centre the soul.
In the past few weeks, I've tended to just take my body and the ever present voice in my head on these walks, processing lots of thoughts in the "quiet" of nature.
I realised not long ago that this process, whilst important for me initially, was beginning to literally do my head in.
My thinking ranges over the world of idea and impression, presumption, assumption, possibility and consequence and of course is tainted by large doses of emotion. I see things from every possible angle from superlative fantasies (both romantic and despairing) to down right, roll the eyes WTF! I feel things and think about feeling them and feel again as a result of the thoughts. My head is a very full place :)
I am very much inclined to waaaaay over think stuff! (or as my friend D. says...that I tend to "over smart" stuff).
I have taken to listening to music on my walks again as a result. For one...music seems to leach my soul of its basest fears and releases them into the sound. It soothes me in ways I can barely describe in words. Within microseconds, that black ooze in the soul which can corrupt the merest hint of joy into a pile of decay, is gone. With music to act as the surgeons scalpel, the black ooze is released and joy is free to explode - with relief - into the expansive space left clear by sounds pull.
It takes a specific kind of music to do this I think. It depends on the nature of those needs deep in the soul as to which kind of sound can do that leaching therein. However, that bass and that hard drive of the drums, the harmonic vibe of music that has a deep, grungy, power seems to exorcise deep fear from inside of me and thus lift me out of the blackest of moods. It is the music that speaks deepest to my souls need for joy.
Today Porcupine Tree took the dark inside of me and blew it to smithereens in under 8kms! *grin*
I listened to In Absentia on the ipod and had it up LOUD enough to fill my head with the soothing bass and beats of this awesomely versatile band.
Oh man! It was sooo bloody cool! Every track, as different as could be from any other, totally rocked me to the core! I was in walk heaven today. (You really HAVE to admire that bass line though...every track has the most awesomely tight bass/drum thing going on).
On first listen, some might think that PT is a bit depressing and slightly to the left of "really weird". It does have a certain amount of goth/geek factor to it. But, I LIKE that stuff! I like my music to be deep, powerful, heavy, grungy, experimental, metallic, bassy, with a rhythmically infused drive to it! *grin*
Music that is created and played for itself and not necessarily for the pop mainstream that EVERYONE listens to without thinking about, is music that appeals to me, simply because it is created for the sheer joy of the sound and not for any marketing hyped business propaganda.
Oh but I thank you Porcupine Tree for this amazing sound today! What a fabulous walk I have had and I owe it to the spirit of the music in my head that I felt so happy and JOYFUL as I listened to it.
Music speaks a language of the spirit. We've packaged it, into the pop mainstream much like we've packaged sex as a false promise for potential fulfillment in the commodities of our age. But music is a spiritual thing and as such, deserves to be treated with respect and honour just because it is what it is.
Just like Faith in God is just what it is ... even without having to be branded or packaged by a church's desire get kick backs from it... music is just what it is, the highest creative expression of the human soul! Some bands do music because they believe in it and for no other reason than its beautiful and good to believe in it.
Porcupine Tree imprint their music with their sheer love of it - and it shows. Today, their gift to the world lifted me, inspired me and refreshed my very soul.
Thanks boys (and thanks to your women, behind you, who inspire you to create this stuff in the first place! :) )
In the past few weeks, I've tended to just take my body and the ever present voice in my head on these walks, processing lots of thoughts in the "quiet" of nature.
I realised not long ago that this process, whilst important for me initially, was beginning to literally do my head in.
My thinking ranges over the world of idea and impression, presumption, assumption, possibility and consequence and of course is tainted by large doses of emotion. I see things from every possible angle from superlative fantasies (both romantic and despairing) to down right, roll the eyes WTF! I feel things and think about feeling them and feel again as a result of the thoughts. My head is a very full place :)
I am very much inclined to waaaaay over think stuff! (or as my friend D. says...that I tend to "over smart" stuff).
I have taken to listening to music on my walks again as a result. For one...music seems to leach my soul of its basest fears and releases them into the sound. It soothes me in ways I can barely describe in words. Within microseconds, that black ooze in the soul which can corrupt the merest hint of joy into a pile of decay, is gone. With music to act as the surgeons scalpel, the black ooze is released and joy is free to explode - with relief - into the expansive space left clear by sounds pull.
It takes a specific kind of music to do this I think. It depends on the nature of those needs deep in the soul as to which kind of sound can do that leaching therein. However, that bass and that hard drive of the drums, the harmonic vibe of music that has a deep, grungy, power seems to exorcise deep fear from inside of me and thus lift me out of the blackest of moods. It is the music that speaks deepest to my souls need for joy.
Today Porcupine Tree took the dark inside of me and blew it to smithereens in under 8kms! *grin*
I listened to In Absentia on the ipod and had it up LOUD enough to fill my head with the soothing bass and beats of this awesomely versatile band.
Oh man! It was sooo bloody cool! Every track, as different as could be from any other, totally rocked me to the core! I was in walk heaven today. (You really HAVE to admire that bass line though...every track has the most awesomely tight bass/drum thing going on).
On first listen, some might think that PT is a bit depressing and slightly to the left of "really weird". It does have a certain amount of goth/geek factor to it. But, I LIKE that stuff! I like my music to be deep, powerful, heavy, grungy, experimental, metallic, bassy, with a rhythmically infused drive to it! *grin*
Music that is created and played for itself and not necessarily for the pop mainstream that EVERYONE listens to without thinking about, is music that appeals to me, simply because it is created for the sheer joy of the sound and not for any marketing hyped business propaganda.
Oh but I thank you Porcupine Tree for this amazing sound today! What a fabulous walk I have had and I owe it to the spirit of the music in my head that I felt so happy and JOYFUL as I listened to it.
Music speaks a language of the spirit. We've packaged it, into the pop mainstream much like we've packaged sex as a false promise for potential fulfillment in the commodities of our age. But music is a spiritual thing and as such, deserves to be treated with respect and honour just because it is what it is.
Just like Faith in God is just what it is ... even without having to be branded or packaged by a church's desire get kick backs from it... music is just what it is, the highest creative expression of the human soul! Some bands do music because they believe in it and for no other reason than its beautiful and good to believe in it.
Porcupine Tree imprint their music with their sheer love of it - and it shows. Today, their gift to the world lifted me, inspired me and refreshed my very soul.
Thanks boys (and thanks to your women, behind you, who inspire you to create this stuff in the first place! :) )
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Kryptonite
This catchy song from a few years back suddenly popped into my head today ..I looked up the lyrics and for the first time...even with all the airplay this song used to receive... they MEANT a very great deal to me for this particular time in my life.
...I'm not going to explain why. Just read them and if they resonate with you for your time...so much the better :)
Just for the record... Kryptonite is sometimes used to replace the words "Achilles heel" for a fatal weakness in a person. Sometimes love can be the greatest weakness of all.
Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down
I took a walk around the world
To ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
But I watched the world float
To the dark side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah
I watched the world float
To the dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be
Something to do with you
I really don’t mind what happens now and then
As long as you’ll be my friend at the end
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well, will you be
There a-holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite
You called me strong, you called me weak,
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times
I never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head,
If not for me then you'd be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well,
Will you be there a-holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite
Yeah!!
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well, will you be there
Holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well,
Will you be there a-holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite
Yeah!!
...I'm not going to explain why. Just read them and if they resonate with you for your time...so much the better :)
Just for the record... Kryptonite is sometimes used to replace the words "Achilles heel" for a fatal weakness in a person. Sometimes love can be the greatest weakness of all.
Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down
I took a walk around the world
To ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
But I watched the world float
To the dark side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah
I watched the world float
To the dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be
Something to do with you
I really don’t mind what happens now and then
As long as you’ll be my friend at the end
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well, will you be
There a-holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite
You called me strong, you called me weak,
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times
I never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head,
If not for me then you'd be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well,
Will you be there a-holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite
Yeah!!
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well, will you be there
Holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well,
Will you be there a-holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite
Yeah!!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Red and yellow and pink and green.....
Yes!
I have seen a mental rainbow or two these past few days :)
The Rainbow has always been a kind of "totem" for me. Once long ago, I was in a music ministry team called Rainbow of Promise and we travelled through the mid-west USA and south east India.
It was a crucible experience for me that time. I left Australia a "girl" and came back a very different woman as a result.
During those difficult months on that team, I always felt the "Hand of God" being present in my life and supporting me and the evidence of that was I believed, in the simple acknowledgment of his grace through the rainbow symbol.
In the old testament, Noah was given the sign of the rainbow after a cataclysmic flood that destroyed pretty much everything except him and a few odd bods he had with him in his big boat. The sign was God saying "Never again, will I destroy the earth like this...I promise".
In time, the rainbow has taken on a kind of "new age" significance in that it promises Hope and Restoration after crises and turmoil. I kind of took it for that back in those days, as a symbol of being cared for by a force bigger than myself despite the stormy physical and emotional seas I was riding at the time.
Any time I saw a representation or the real thing, [aka a Rainbow], be it a pattern on a shower curtain to the incredible phenomenon itself in the sky, it soothed me and calmed me in a very spiritually significant way. It acted like an anchor for my spirit and to this day the rainbow, as a symbol, still holds deep personal significance for me.
A rainbow is actually a circular prism effect. The water in the atmosphere acts as a prism for light to pass through, refracting the white light spectrum we see with the naked eye into its component coloured parts. The light is split, in effect, into the actual essence and character of its constituent parts. In effect, a rainbow is the ultimate "team" phenomenon; individual distinct and very DIFFERENT colours combining into a whole to create a singular light. Wouldn't be great if most teams were like this? :)
There was a time before my team experience overseas, when I flew a glider into a double circular set of rainbows; one inside the other and perfect, beautiful, fully prismatic circles at around 2000 metres height thereabouts. It was a very powerful and moving experience and one I have never forgotten. So, when I did get onto the team called...Rainbow of Promise...the synchronicity of that effect and the name was too great to ignore as mere ...well...coincidence :)
And remembering back even further into my past, I recall a time when as a very young girl, my little sister and I would sing the Rainbow Song as a "round" over and over and over together. I always loved doing that with her. (Red and Yellow and Pink and green....)
This past few months, I've not seen a lot of rainbows in my life. Not even too many representations of one. I wonder why that is?
I've not really looked for them so maybe I just haven't noticed them as I did back in my 20's when they were such a powerful motif for me.
I've felt rather bereft too as a result. TERRIBLY confused and often totally lacking any kind of Hope that reassures and soothes...just blind emotional alleyways one after another. It's been a very depressing few months.
The cosmos has shifted this past week. It's like a cool breeze is licking its virgin tendrils around my toes and I can feel a change in the wind about to occur.
Still! There are no rainbows present to soothe or charm me into a sense of Divine Security...but even so, I still feel "something" is happening for the better. I feel lighter and less morose and less like I am being contained inside a bubble of despair.
Exorcising ones demons is a painful process and I tend to flog at myself with a series of high intensity cat-o'-nines too. Treating my inner child with respect and compassion is never easy for me as I so emphatically believe that child is so undeserving of so much. That perspective IS changing! I AM better than that. If God can choose me...me who is the LEAST of the least....then am I not deserving? Yes! I am.
Life is changing in ways I can barely begin to understand and because I am so ruthlessly into being able to understand and KNOW what is going on in my world, here then and in time to come...this very thing freaks me out even more than emotional angst and in-the-moment pain. I have a love/hate fear of change. I enjoy the variety change brings but I like to be in control of the surprises all the same. It's quite the conundrum to be like this. I hate not knowing anything and if things blind-side me it sends me spinning out of control like the proverbial top!
This time though, it feels like the changes are ringing in fresh hopes and dreams. It is now time for me to grow in new directions and behaviours, ideas and philosophies. It is now time for me to experience the Rainbow that IS Life and not simply observe the rainbow symbol as a token reminder of Gods grace, separate and distinct from my moments.
Now its time to live it.
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