Sunday, August 10, 2008

Finding the "right" man

Even though I have left my marriage of 18 years, I still believe in romantic love and commitment. I am not bitter or twisted about men in general and I still look forward to a day when I can cuddle up to a man I deeply admire and who's company I respect and enjoy.

I am learning a good many lessons about my attitudes and approach to love while alone these days. There is much that is flawed in me when it comes to my attitudes and beliefs about love and romance.

For starters, I am way too idealistic. I project a lot of expectations onto my future partner, demanding and requiring the same level of commitment and attention I believe I bring to a relationship. In theory, I am all about equality but I have much to learn about respect.

My "problem" in matters of the heart is apparently to do with my assiduous determination to achieve my own goals and force the objects of my devotion and affection into reciprocating those same ideals back to me. I want and desire to be the centre of!

Ironically, as soon as any man begins to show signs of putting me on a pedastal, or elevating me into a position of Goddess status, I abandon him as an "idiot". I refuse to be possessed except on my own terms. This is a major flaw in me ever being open to receiving love from someone cool enough to accept me just as I come.

I am very happy to be in the drivers seat in relationships. I love loving someone. I love being affectionate and giving and will go to great lengths to make a man "happy" so to speak.

Rarely though, do I receive love well. Suspicion of motives and a slightly cynical attitude towards men who are "dumb enough" to fall for the likes of me, make me deeply dubious of any overt expressions of love or being cherished for myself. I simply do not trust men who express love the same way as I express love! Go figure!

I'm attracted to men who are just a little bit mysterious and who are determinedly non-committal towards me in many ways. It's like its a competition for me to "win" them over to my side but as soon as I do - I lose interest and that's really cruel and something I need to watch for in my future relationships with men if I ever have any. I want to find a passionate and wonderful love in my future, but on this point, I have much to learn and outgrow. Receiving love on nobodies terms but the person giving it is going to be difficult for me. I cannot give love where I do not respect and am not attuned to that person physically, emotionally and particularly, intellectually. If I do not trust them, I can little accept any offers of love from them.

However, I do need to learn and understand that being cherished and valued by a man is how it is from HIS perspective and is something that I must simply accept and not try to mould into my expectations and values and my own idiosyncratic interpretation of love.

I joined an online dating service awhile back but only lasted for about 2 days on it. The concept of meeting and getting to know men...aka potential romantic partners... felt tacky and icky in the extreme for me! I felt like meat on display and utterly desperate. The profiles of the men who winked at me seemed so pathetically contrived and I just could not bring myself to trust any one of them as a potential friendship, let alone a possible romantic dalliance. I took myself off the site quickly and won't go back to that kind of process unless I have a change of mind about it, if ever!

I have a lot of love to give. I am keen to give of the love that exists like a giant orb in my very soul. I love giving it full expression and I do not follow the "rules" of the game of love. I demand, expect and give full disclosure, honesty and am forthright and perhaps even a little bit aggressive in the way I express my love and affection. I want to be the centre of a mans world but I want to control it too. Not a good look really and probably one of the major factors in why romance is for me so hard to come by. I'm simply not soft or feminine or give a man the feeling of being brave and protective of me! I catagorically refuse to be possessed and yet I seem to be possessive myself and jealous to the core when in love!

For many years, I prided myself on being the very unjealous type. I think I allow my partner a great deal of freedom and expect the same in return...well, so I thought anyway. Turns out I have a deeply jealous core after all and its a shadow aspect of my soul I never knew existed until I loved like I've never loved before. Seems I expect to be allowed MY freedom so long as I remain firmly at the centre of my lovers world! Again... deeply confrontational and dark stuff I must address if I am to ever find happiness in relationships in the future.

Whilst I am extremely idealistic in romantic love, I'm also equally pragmatic and overly analytical in the expression of my feelings. Much of my inner world is caught between two polar opposite senses of intuitive feeling and logical thought.

I prefer to remain cool, calm and collected when in love but my feelings constantly betray me and I get so frustrated by that. I am either hot-headed, clinically ice cool or hyper emotional and quite frankly, I'm probably incredibly scary to most potential male lovers! *gasp*

It will take a man with a mature sense of himself in order to consistently and gently steer me into calm emotional waters I think. I need and desire to feel safe in a relationship before I can open up and become truly my Self with a partner. It is easy to shut me down emotionally to the point where I can turn off the taps of loving expression and become an ice queen like no other. I am a bully that way when it comes to love!

What a crazy mix of conflicting patterns, emotions and dichotomies am I? With this confused set of apparently conflicting values operating at my very core, if I do not change some of the fundamental patterns of my behaviour, I may well be doomed to being single for a very long time!

I refuse to be bored in relationships and yet I demand security and comfort. I hate being possessed and insist on my personal freedom and yet I can be as jealous and as possessive as any shrew. I want to express a deeply romantic, idealistic and sensual kind of love in my life but distrust and disown men who express that very thing toward me! I want to be free to be entirely myself within a relationship but I also need to feel like I am the centre of his world too.

I wonder if it is possible at all for me to find the kind of love I seek when I can barely contain all these conflicting notions within?

People will often say we just need to "let go and let God" in matters of the heart. I have a great deal of trouble with the notion of "letting go". For me, it seems apparent of late, that I have major control issues regarding my personal destiny. I'm not even sure I understand what "letting go" actually means to be honest! How and when does one "let go" and of what for goodness sakes?

When I fixate my heart onto someone, come hell or high water - and until all avenues of exploration are done and dusted - nothing stands in my way between what I desire and what I want. I set myself up for a lot of disappointment and heart break as a result. I project so much onto my love interest as to virtually eliminate any possibilities for its expression to become a reality. I demand so much from them, they run essentially for no man can make a woman happy... least of all me, as much as I'd love them to! *sigh*

What lessons!

What a journey this is proving to be.

I guess its time I stopped seeking love and just got on with my own life instead of pining for that which constantly seems to elude me...even in marriage! If the right kind of Love that I am seeking is so hard for me to grasp, I can little expect to find what I am looking for until I learn what I already have and believe in that for once.

The "right" man will be an extraordinary man indeed if I open myself to the possibility of his existence I guess... I have little faith that he exists sadly. As long as I get my own ego out of the way and can accept the real version of him in the reality of the moment rather than from my projections of an idealistic romantic future on my terms alone.

For now, love eludes me. It may or may not be entirely my fault - perhaps its a bit of what is...and what I am. I'm impatient and impetuous and so disgustingly romantic that I hope for this magic to come sooner than later into my life. It may when I am not looking for it I guess.

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