Thursday, June 26, 2008

For Soj... one pair of butterfly wings.

[Photo taken by Soj himself in a butterfly enclosure in Costa Rica awhile ago. Thanks Soj].

Soj in Second Life was "pissed" because I hadn't really described the process of my metamorphosis from being an entirely angst ridden, self-absorbed trauma addict to the bright, shiny, hyper-happy butterfly I'd sort of presented myself as being in my last post.

To be entirely truthful...I am not fully emerged from the chrysalis yet. I have my "moments" where I regress into that seething pile of frustrating, angry "I'm NOT TO BLAME" ardour.

But in the interests of balance...I AM making headway on my emotional state and there are more bright moments now than depressing dark ones.

metamorphosing ones inner child from lonely, self-abused, emotionally bankrupt urchin with a penchant for blaming everyone and everything for her ills and woes to gregarious, open, honest and assuredly confident and integrated adult who takes full responsibility for her emotional state is not an easy job.

To squeeze ones emotional body out of the hard, crusty unforgiving cocoon of ones own making is neither comfortable or even a comforting prospect really. It seems so very much easier to remain inside where its dark and safe and lonely and you don't have to take any responsibility for anything because you're effectively stuck anyway.

If you WANT to be a have to want give birth to that idea.

You have to accept you HAVE grown emotional wings inside that tight, claustrophobic hull you're wearing so proudly and that those wings need light in order to be made ready for flight.

Butterflies that emerge from their shell probably don't necessarily choose to leave it's just that they simply outgrow it and must therefore break their way out to get air, breathe and spread their wings with relief. The process isn't pretty, and nor, I guess, is it especially comfortable for the butterfly, but it gets done nonetheless. The unforeseen and unknown possibilities are always better than the known and all too familiar confines of self-restricting anger and resentment.

Even when we confine ourselves inside emotional chrysalises, we grow!

It's a strange thing yeah? That we can grow even when we refuse to realise or want it. Most of our lives as human beings is spent in thinking we are owed something by the world. We think in terms of ourselves being always right and everyone else being sadly mistaken about that fact. We approach from the position of defensive aggression , from a place of mistrust and miserly control of our internal emotional resources.

I know this because I see myself do it everyday. I hate being made to look as little as I believe myself to be I give everyone else the responsibility of making me look better than I feel I am.

We all do this. It's not unique to me. It's a human tragedy of infinite proportions. We all hate being made to look as inferior as we actually believe ourselves to be, so we accuse, blame, assault, get angry with and argue with anyone who dares imply we're not as cool as we think we ought to be.

When we give up fighting with our INNER bean and love it without puffing it up with false pride or beating it over the virtual head with patronising platitudes, we actually stop trying to protect ourselves and we can begin to love other people just because....we love reciprocation or validation required.

That's a metamorphisis!

As I said...I have quite a ways to go though to get to this point. It's happening and in time I won't need to be so self-absorbed because I'll just be myself... reciprocation or validation required. I be butterfly.

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