Friday, May 05, 2006

a little revelation

Last night while writing one of my usual wordy emails to a friend, I suddenly came to an understanding about myself that hadn't really clicked before.

I've named my Genius "constructing coherence".

The more I have played with this construct and idea - the more it has demonstrated itself to be true in every pattern and fit of my life!

Naming my genius has made the pieces of "me" become better acquainted and my self-confidence has sky-rocketed as a result. I feel more coherered within myself if that makes sense!

The flip-side - and what I realised last night writing that email - was that for me - my biggest vulnerability and achilles heel is "Fear of Abandonment". This is the total opposite of coherence to me.

I look back over the course of my past and the times I have been saddest, most lonely, and the most terrified have all been times when I sensed the looming dread of being abandoned and alone. Being misunderstood, rejected, isolated, unloved, un or under appreciated terrifies me.

These are the albatrosses of Lack of Coherence around my neck. I dread these as much as I would dread the onslaught of a life-threatening illness.

Coherence then is always my goal. It is the defining element that makes me feel I can make the world a better place. It is about bringing us TOGETHER in the mutual glue of respect and maybe a dash of adoration too. That feeling of belonging and being made whole and complete through that belonging...

But do others understand this? Does it matter to another that I feel the compelling urgency of constructing coherence around me? Does that fear of abandonment resonate in anyone else as terrifyingly and dreadfully as in me?

Perhaps not!

This then is my dilemma! There will always be people who do not "get" this thing inside me! There will always be people who do. It then becomes a matter of choosing who I like to spend time with and who I don't. Doesn't it?

It's the "who I don't" part that irks me! You see I want coherence across the entire board!!! There's no - choose who and what in this for me... it's about building bridges not walls between everyone!

I WANT to understand those people whom I find difficult to love and understand - I WANT to find entente and friendship with them and so on. THAT'S the compelling force inside of me... to construct that sense of coherence and understanding between ALL people... not just the ones who "like" me!

So it looks like I will always juggle these two opposing forces within - coherence and abandonment. Like a coin with two faces the odds will always stack one way or the other. It's not that I think this is about chance or fate, it's just that there will always be this kind of gamble inside me as to which will win out when I am expressing my genius in the world. Will I construct coherence in the hearts of mankind? Or will I cave to that terrible fear of being abandoned?


Revelations are funny things! Just when you think you have it all sorted... along comes a curve ball to make you swing once more! :)

I love this life!

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