Monday, December 22, 2008

Musing back... Deciding foward

2008 has been one Annus horribilis

There's been a couple of good bits but overall, it's not been an easy year, a comforting or comfortable year or a year in which things sort of "flow" smoothly.

2008 seems to have been more about personal decisions and growth on the more subjective strata of the Inner Bean.

I've learned a lot more about what emotions are... what BIG emotions are. How they affect the soul, the core and how they impact on the ability to make choices.

I've learned how to live with very much less. I've done "without" and lived a lot more simply in many ways. I've railed against this on many occasions as I really don't like being thwarted by a lack of financial freedom but I guess its been a good lesson to rein in my tendency to be a little too free with money. I assume too much and rely very heavily on God to "provide". And He has actually in astonishing ways on occasion.

I've struggled with relationships - the really important ones in my life - close female friends I've known for many years and male friends. These relationships are so important to me and yet I struggle so much to be "there" for the people who count. I know how selfish and self-centred I am now.

I've learned when to call it quits with live-in spiders.

I've learned that badgers demanding I go about smelling coffee doesn't guarantee that these "magical visions" and synchronicities will turn out to be what you expect.

I've learned that I don't really know what I want in life other than a broadband internet connection and blogging and other writing. I would emotionally starve if I could not write or muse in words. It's not likely going to pay my bills anytime soon though and I don't know what to do about that right now. There is no clear vision as to how to turn this passion into something that makes a difference AND subsequently, feeds my family.

I've learned how to study for university but I'm not sure I'm that interested in University studies in an online context anymore. It's a LOT tougher to study alone than in the dynamic environment of being on a campus with other flesh and blood students. I still don't know if I have the courage and the fortitude to continue towards a B.A. in Internet studies via Online Universities Australia. That being said, I am seriously considering going back to school locally here and doing a Business Certificate course next year if work doesn't turn up by the New Year.

I've learned to clean! And How! Having spent some time cleaning in the spiffiest, cleanest motel in all the land...I really know the difference between clean and sort of clean! I hope that's a skill I can keep! :)

Next year will pose it's own challenges. There is no need for resolutions as such. I do want to make some decisions though. I can sit here, getting fat again, whining and musing about what I am "meant" to do and trying to figure out what I truly want to do or I can just get involved in life again and see what happens.

For too long this past six months of this year - I've navel-gazed myself into a confused frenzy of self-limiting beliefs. It's time to regain my equilibrium and look at God in the details of life again now. To head through the mists, terrified for sure...but just head through them without stopping to try and get bearings I simply cannot find by myself.

This year was the year of Let Go.

Next year I hope and pray it will be the year of Let God.

Have a wonderful Christmas season no matter who or what you believe. My hope for you is that the Christ child inspires you to practice loving large within small circles.

God speed

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