Sunday, November 09, 2008

intending nothing

I've hit a wall of frustration and inertia within my spirit.

There are three things I want to change about myself but feel powerless to do so, even though I "know" that I am very much responsible for creating the changes within myself. There are no magic wands, or fairies to do these changes for me. No "Law" of anything to fulfil the necessary impetus to change. It's technically me deciding to change and then "just doing it".

Resistance meets with emotional melancholy and I can change nothing, no matter how much I "decide" to.

There is a dichotomy between the decision in the brain, the desire in the heart and the impetus of will to move forward. It's like I have shackles on, preventing me from doing that which I say I want to do.

Three things in my current state I wish to change. Three things I desire with forceful passion and want. Three things I know will greatly enhance my ability to make a difference in this world.

Perhaps they're too selfish! Maybe God is putting on the brakes and I am the goat, kidding myself it's all possible "if only".

Three things: Financial freedom. A healthier body through diet. A closer connection to Spirit.

Those three life areas not only affect me but my children and those I love. Those three iconic desires forge both a strong sense of duty and purpose in me and at the very same time, complete and utter dismay that I won't and can't reach them quickly and effectively.

This is the long haul truck drive through the frozen wastes of time...perhaps with more than a few flat tyres!

None of the three things I've chosen are easy. Hence my inertia. I'm not looking forward to the fact of the hard work involved in achieving them.

So I stew and foam and loathe myself for my inability to create the right impetus to "just do it". Wishes converting into manifestation.

No "Law of Attraction" here! Just plain old human "I want this. Give it to me now!", while I sit back and take the credit for this Grace I did not earn.

Financial freedom: A healthier body: Spiritual ascendence:

I intend these things with my cerebral intelligence. Desire with the mind is an easy thing. I am not able to, right now, achieve my intentions with spiritual acuity. What is required is intent at the cellular level. Where literally the fibres of my very being are in synchronous tumult as they shout "YES!" along with my mental frame of mind. That is a spiritual thing. It's where God and matter meet to create thoughts into being.

I want these things. I want them badly. I want them for free! Ergo, I cannot intend them at all.


Dick Richards said...

When I know that I want something badly and then lapse into inertia, more often than not there is some powerful unrecognized fear in the way.

Michelle said...

yes I know Dick. I totally agree with you.

Am currently trying to tap into what that fear is named.

I have a sneaking impression its name is "Fear of Never Matching in Reality the Fantasy I want to Believe about Myself"

An interesting dichotomy to say the least!