If you expect to be disappointed, you'll never be disappointed
This is the big year of shedding more than just externals. It seems this long and winding year is also about shedding some very deep internal things.
Like a reptile literally shedding a too tight skin, this year (or two) is proving to be one where I am having to slough off a very great deal more than past relationships and lifestyles. It seems that God is making me shed a lot of unconscious beliefs I have had about how life works and how, in particular, the Future - ergo Hope - works!
That quote I made up (well...I think I made it up at least)... its been my internal driving theme for a very very very long time and I did not even realise it.
I HATE being disappointed so to avoid it at all possible costs, I actually MAKE myself be disappointed because that is so much easier than having hopes potentially dashed anyway. You can be entirely justified "right" in every thing you are sure of, if you bet on being disappointed and have it proven so.
When things actually go "right" for you... it's a nice surprise but you can dismiss them as mere coincidences anyway. You don't really deserve nice things happening, that's just an illusion. Reality is much more dark and horrid than that.
Disappointment is an easy deal. You just have to believe you don't deserve and/or won't get something in life and voila! You got it! You can now be smug and self-righteous because you were RIGHT! Life IS massively unfair! So there! I can PROVE it!
Not a pretty belief is it?
The depths of my cynicism amaze even me at times. I have honestly and almost completely believed for a long time now that there is only Hope in the inevitable denial of wishes and dreams. I even push away good things like love because its just easier to believe it has already let me down than face the responsibility of actually accepting it for what it is right NOW!
If someone offered you chocolate but you believed they were trying to poison you, do you still take it?
I do. I eat it too expecting to be hurt but I still take it because I tend to believe its unlikely I'll get nice non-poisonous chocolates anywhere else!
I may wish for beautiful things to happen to me but I don't take those wishes seriously or even act on them. My intentions are about being disabused of having the good stuff in life.
This skin is so tight it suffocates. Time to re-think, re-learn and re-do my entire approach to living.
This is the really stupid dichotomy inside of me in regards to Hope. I long for and wish for and think about having and wanting beautiful things to happen to me. Then I immediately set myself up for complete and absolute disappointment. I either deliberately set the bar too high into the realm of illusion and fantasy or I just simply believe its never going to happen TO ME!
Anything is possible ...even the tough stuff - the stuff I don't really want. That Anything is Possible also INCLUDES good stuff happening too and I have to understand that...like NOW. I have to also understand that that good stuff IS allowable, possible AND permissible FOR ME.
Belief in the possible means accepting that things could go either way. It means that I have to grow up a bit (a lot?) and accept that things can be good or bad - or anywhere in between - and merely allow them to happen in the time they are there.
I'm a lover not a fighter, but I seem to be endlessly fighting with myself instead of just Letting Go of the fight within and going with whatever IS right now.
My new purpose is to learn how to allow ALL possibilities, good and bad, love and abandonment, to happen if and when they will and keep joy and hope alive through any of them. Life IS beautiful if you allow it to be so. The shitty stuff just reminds us what its worth.
This is me. I am Michelle. I have love to bring to the table. It's not up to you (or me) to question how or why or when. It just is and it will be definitely okay.
Let Go and Let God!