Thursday, July 20, 2006

My life long search.

I had a revelation very recently. A surprising one actually. Surprising in that it had never occured to me before!

All this self absorbed searching for my Genius this year had up until now failed to show me this potent and powerful force in my life that has determined so many of my actions and intentions right from when I was a very little girl. I can literally "see" how this force shaped certain situations and relationships in my past now.

My Genius IS "Constructing Coherence"! This name, I believe, is truely descriptive of my gift - the one that I give to the world naturally and effortlessly. However... and this is the revelation....I believe that my subconscious and natural motivation behind the expression of this gift is BECAUSE I am really searching for intimacy.

All my life has been a search for true Intimacy.

Coherence for me is more than just making meaning and sense of the world it is also ABOUT creating a level of trust, friendship, agreement, closeness, warmth, honour, reverence, adoration, familiarity and deep personal connection with another. I actively and subconsiously seek to fulfil this need within myself.

Thing is... I have also noticed that I rarely if ever trust true intimacy when it falls into my lap. It seems that I have a self-belief that suggests that if I cannot "create" true intimacy - then it cannot exist. So I am always on high alert for proof of its existence. I want it and need it desperately but I don't really, deep down, know how to recognise it. In fact I tend to run away - fast - in the opposite direction when other people seeking intimacy with me are on my radar! They come on too strong, are too intense, too needy! Ack! They are too much like me and being so much like me, I instinctively sense that they cannot give me what I really need.

Does this mean I am looking for those who are "stronger" than I? Perhaps. My need for intimacy comes across as a weakness I guess - a desperation almost - to be reassured constantly that I have do have value and that I belong.

I was always attracted to people I could never "quite" attain - I wanted to develop entente with them but never could. The great "loves" of my life have been passionate mostly one-sided affairs and I suffered long years of lonely, love-less isolation as a result always hoping against hope that somehow... I could MAKE intimacy with them exist!

I now see this to be a self-fulfilling belief which has ensured that my continuing search for intimacy would always be in vain and that proof of it's "existence" would never be guaranteed. This "habit" of my temperament is that I need to keep looking for intimacy because if I actually found it and didn't have to look for it anymore - would I still be "me"?

I now understand too, that some of the most difficult times of my life were when people were repelled by the intensity of this need within me. And now that I know, I may be able to consciously re-direct some of this intense searching and not fall into old patterns of behaviour that would disengage those with whom I want to connect. Perhaps, now that I understand this natural inclination of mine, I will grow to be less fearful of being alone in the world.

I have always feared abandonment! Not being abandoned on an empty island so much, but emotionally abandoned by loved ones, friends, family, people I care about. THAT is my single most excruciating fear - even above the fear of snakes! (..and I am terrified of snakes *blush*).

So I guess the question here our Gift, our Genius so exists then what is the natural motivation within us that creates it?

What DRIVES us to express our genius in the world? What is that thing deep in our souls that says 'I want and need to fulfil this *thing* inside me and this is how I will set about doing it?'?

We give to get. We give of ourselves through our Genius so that we can fulfil these deepest needs within. For me I construct coherence in this world in the hope that I will one day find proof and a deep personal reassurance that true intimacy exists.

No comments: