Sunday, September 27, 2009

of inner bag ladies and screwy humanity

lessons are learned when we hit our metaphorical heads against the obvious, which hitherto has been invisible to us.

I'm learning lots of lessons in this microcosm of time called a "Weekend".

Lessons about the art of practising loneliness without letting the human will rise up to scream that "It's not my fault!".

What one feels is always, at the human core, one's "fault". Not a fault that is bad mind you - just a thing we own; a conscious muddle of reactive and proactive, miniscule decisions based in part on our history and in part on our natural inclinations in the processing of thought. The mush of messages we interpret through the miasma of feelings decipher for us what these feelings might mean - though we often get it wrong.

Emotions are neither good nor bad. Emotions just are. They're the responsive tendency of our nature to life within and without. Much of what we emote we choose, even if we're unaware at the time of our actual decision. Much of what we emote is based in part on our sense of ourselves; the way we view ourselves in relationship to others.

Many human beings have a strong sense of unworthiness or fear of that. I do believe that many of us - myself most of all - are incapable of seeing ourselves exactly as we are in perfect balance to the world and other people around us. I for instance, teeter and totter between the attitudes of exclusive "Above-ness" over others and mortified "Below-ness" under others. My moral compass has thus far been mostly, skewed to the latter and I am apt to measure myself, relative to others as below them, albeit not to be humble but rather out of some vain hope they will elevate me over them in gratitude for my humility. Screwy humanity indeed!

Loneliness is one of those emotions we like to ignore for as long as possible. I have recognised its crumpled hang-dog face this weekend and have been a bit shocked at how unkempt and ragged my self esteem has become. I've done this - no one else. I've fought valiantly for a long time to be super independent and so on but now the shuffling feet of my inner bag-lady - so alone and crazed with lack of social engagement must be made over.

What I've yet to work out is just how to do that without frightening the poor thing completely into total isolation from the world.

More lessons to come I guess. The "how-to-overcome-loneliness" journey begins.


Petermcc said...

I have thought long and hard over a comment to this item. For some folk this would hint at a cry for help but others, and I think this fits your thinking, it's an eloquent description of human thinking.

Ever thought of writing your memoirs? I think it would be like blogging but more consuming and sets a target to strive for.

In the way of encouragement, I very much enjoy your contributions. They are insightful, scary, humorous and nicely constructed. And above all. Thought provoking.

Michelle said...

Thanks Peter!


Now there's an apt word for many a missive from my addled brain!



As for the memoirs... I probably "could" do that but the mere thought of doing such a mammoth task (I have lived a rather full life in my short 47 years) gives me the willies! :)

The beauty of blogging is that it is ad hoc and independent of forced schedules (unless one makes it so) and I like that. There's the freedom to express as the spirit urges so to speak. Apart from that, blogging is my "art" where I paint, in words, what other artists paint on canvas.

That's why I love blogging so much. It's like a blank canvas every new post and a new opportunity to delve into the human psyche and puddle about in it as a child does after rain.

.....and thank you for taking the time and the care to comment. Always appreciated and valued.

Petermcc said...

Therapy in small doses?

Been busy and falling behind my reading. After the harvest I'll be a bit more regular.

I hope you are inspired by then.