Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Edgy thing!

I have it right now... a deep underlying sense of tension and vague anxiety sitting down in my being like a lump of exposed and foul-smelling flesh in the sun.

Where does Edginess come from? Why is it that some days we can feel like a "Cat-on-a-hot-tin-roof", jumpy, uncertain, fearful and yet have no basis in fact or reality for that feeling. Is it just a mutable kind of energy in the "atmosphere" or the collective consciousness? I noted a few other people exhibiting a kind of edgy tension in their clipped sentences and brusque approach today. Then again, that might be a kind of empathic sharing of our emotional states too! It's now known that that is possible. Was I just picking up on The general Office Vibe today?

I have ticked the boxes for things past, present and future that would or could be making me feel this way right now. The list reads like a pin cushion of tiny needles, none of them that threatening on their own, all of them together, more than a little daunting.

We had a staff meeting today and I got lumped with more "stuff" to sort out and do - but this edgy tension was there at the start...it was there before I knew I had extra work to do. That's not it.

I have a presentation to give on Volunteering to students at the local school, tomorrow...maybe that is it? But normally, I don't overly stress about public speaking so much - "Just wing it!" is my strategy for public speaking - even if I'm a bit unclear on my stuff. Speaking to groups is nerve-wracking of course but I've done it enough now, to have a kind of "She'll be right" attitude to it. It doesn't necessarily phase me just that much. At least I think it doesn't!

There's something else that is clanging about deep in my psyche which is giving me this anxious vibe! I make a list of possibilities for Edginess:

* I feel overweight. Check! I can feel the kg's creeping back on yes! I don't like it.
* I need to go for a walk. Check! I can't right now but I do feel guilty about not going for a daily walk right now.
* I miss a friend. Check!
* I have a family member undergoing a new situation. Check! Yeah... this one resonates. It does feel like this could be the clincher as to that knife-like sense of agitation I can sense inside of me today.
* I was angry today. Check! If I'm honest about it, I was annoyed and irritated at work today during the staff meeting about a minor issue and have only just acknowledged and admitted to feeling angry. I can at least, let that go now.

Feeling edgy inside is an indicator that all does not sit well in your perception of things. Digging in to find the core reasons for one's anxiety and agitation is a skill and one that requires a lot of forthright honesty, analysis and observation. It's about deciding on the things that you have seen or are seeing in the world around you and noting how you're reacting to them emotionally.


Shouts the non-analytical world! Feelings, emotions, states of Being are just there to be as they are with no qualifying analysis or excavation! So say some!

I'm not very good at doing this. I do feel the feeling but the analytical thinking kicks in very shortly after that and whilst I can confuse the logic and thought for the feelings themselves sometimes, I am getting better at honing in on the actual feeling and acknowledging it for what it is.

I've felt edgy this afternoon but I've yet to really know exactly why - despite my list above with all of those things contenders for first prize in my Edginess Quiz. Maybe it was something else that was said, done, or simply a lack of perception on my part about what is happening in my world.

But, SOMETHING made me feel this - I want to know exactly what it was.

Does it matter in the long run if I DO know?

For me it does! I learn more about my inner processes when I can make sense of the cause and effect of that interconnected loop we call Life. I experience, I feel, I experience. Knowing how one affects the other potentially gives me a better chance of having better experiences and taking more responsibility for those symbiotic feelings. For me - emotion IS experiential and experience IS emotional.

So for me, analysing my emotional state brings clarity and coherence to my world. I accept now that I feel anxious and edgy. What I want to do is dig deep within to find out exactly why so that I know how to handle Edgy in myself - and others - in the future.

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