those who read this poor excuse of a blog namely for its self-obsessed introspection will probably attest to the fact that most of my rants are simply that I'm a big old scaredy-cat!
I am CONSTANTLY afraid!
Why is that I wonder?
Its my Child (as in TA 'Child').
Going back into the dark realms of my early memories as a little kid, much of the world seemed a deeply scary place to me.
One such event occurred to me today as I mused on this topic. I remember not being able to sit next to my mum in church one Sunday as the place was full (churches can be full sometimes you know!), and I had to sit one pew in front of her, my sister and my father. I can remember feeling utter terror at the prospect of not being by the reassuring side of my Mum or my Dad for that matter! I remember weeping quietly and trying to hide this weakness of mine and spent most of that service "playing", with my eyes downcast, at my handkerchief, which was about the only thing I was allowed to "play" with in church in those days.
Terror formed a ginormous part of my dream life after sleep too. I mostly recall to this day consistent nightmares that replayed endlessly for what seemed like an eon. I learned to turn the light on quickly once slipping into one of these "dreams" and laying awake praying with all my might that they'd go away.
My earliest nightmare was of a giant red horse that loomed from out of the depths of the back dam on our property on the one day of the year my sister and I chose to walk to it! Each time we went there in my dream, to that dam on "that" particular day, I would "know" that that demon horse would arise from the depths and chase ME all the way back to the house, snorting its gigantic, foamy, furious mouth just behind my shoulder while I ran, in silent terror, for my life. That horse only disappeared when its great hoof "touched" the flagstone on the other side of the gate to our house. I would wake up sweating and panting from this dream and it haunted me many times throughout my childhood.
Somewhere, in the depths of my memory, before I knew the meanings of words, or that feelings could be described in words, I cast a "Life Script" that said I MUST be afraid!
And to this day, I remain abjectly fearful of pretty much everything. Hardly anyone knows how much courage it can take for me to do things: however, once I am determined to do something, nothing much will stop me even so.
Still - a lot does not get done either, for I allow the fear to dominate within my psyche to the point where nothing gets started.
I guess I was a timid little kid really. Overly imaginative and highly strung; sensitive and tender in spirit. I have always, always, always felt like I was outside of the World in some way, and it has always terrified me until I learned how to cope and do my best to at least act like I belonged to it.
Some would suggest that I "should" not be so fearful! Ach so! I agree!
But then, those who suggest such things have not seen the world from my Child either and therefore are in no place to suggest such notions of foolishness in being so fearful!
I am afraid! Of most things in life! It's my fact and one I own all by myself. Dealing with it is also my own, even though I will generally seek reassurance from nearly every quarter outside of my emotional centre as best I can! Finding reassurance from within myself is an entirely different puzzle and one I generally avoid, being so afraid to go there and all!
Arrogance is not my style but in a way, its a quality I may need to investigate to counter the fear within. Outright belief in ones sense of worth, ability and yes... pride, honour and beauty... may be the key to balancing the Fear Demons and untangling the knots of repeatedly stupid behavioural patterns that consistently set me up for merely circling around solutions instead of nailing them to the trees of my dreams... with my Warrior Princess' sword!
"Perfect Love casts out fear", so the Good Book sayeth.
Indeed, I have not yet known "Perfect" in Love, in Life. I have only ever known there is Fear and that this is the Truth of all that is imperfect in this inconceivable world upon which I stand just to the left of; me, who is the most imperfect alien of all of you!