Friday, August 15, 2008

bemusing sense of changes ringing

Something has to give - and soon.

I am feeling like there is this intense pressure building inside of me today, as if something is about to explode or implode. I can't decide which.

There are changes afoot. I can feel it, keenly like the distant smell of woodsmoke in the air.

Are these changes internal and only that which I, alone can sense from within?

Are they changes I can control for my own journey forwards into the future?

Are these changes going to be spiritual changes? Intellectual? Creative? Emotional? Social?

Or, are these changes external and as such beyond my control?

"SOMETHING" is happening and right now, I am edgy, emotionally vexed, anxious in the extreme and really frustrated too.

Creatively, I am on something of a "roll" right now. The urge to express and write hasn't been this strong for some time. But of course, paying the bills and working (yes... I have a new job, in a cafe of all places where I smell - and serve - a lot of coffee), and it means that my urge to write and create is curbed somewhat which has always been a frustration at times like these. I'd rather I could just sit here and type for hours without interruption but its not to be.

I have made a lot of changes to my life this past year. I've changed my marital status, my address, my job, my income, my outlook and a bit more of my body shape. I've not once had this feeling about any of those changes that have either happened to me or I caused happen to me!

This feels "different", like a sort of warning shot being fired across my intuitive bow so to speak.

Something has to give though and soon because I'm not sure I have the patience to endure this mounting pressure I feel and this heightened sense of foreboding expectation that something massive is about to bowl me over for six (that's a cricket term for non-aussies).

Will it be a joyful thing?

Will it be a heart-ache?

I sooooo HATE not knowing!

And that's probably the issue right there!

2 comments:

Steve said...

Well now, if I were the one who could offer you the blue pill (Divine ecstatic lovemaking, multiple orgasms) the red pill ( takes you to meet a manifestation of GOD on this earth) or the yellow pill ( makes you rich ) or the one shaped like the English flag ( takes you to a sofa where you have a nice cup of tea and a sit down) Which would you choose?

Michelle said...

Why is it that no one ever presents the Silver Bullet Pill which is "All of the Above"?

Oh just let me sit and have a cup of tea then! *sigh*