Kiss me! Then make me a map.

Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

[Chorus:]

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map

[Chorus (repeat)]

Sixpence None the Richer

One of my favourite "silly" pop songs of the past decade.

Apart from the lovely romantic feel to this song I have taken a different view of it today.

"We'll take the trail marked on your father's map" is an interesting line.

I need maps.

Maps give me a great deal of security and comfort. Just like a compass that always points north... a map shows you what to expect on the journey. It provides signposts before you even reach them and grants you a virtual overview, so to speak, of the future landscape and terrain you are about to travel.

Maps give you a detailed concept of the outcomes you want. They provide incredible security in letting you know 1) where you currently are and 2) where you need to be.

I have always loved Maps. Old maps and new. I love the sense of secure perspective they give.

Currently I am without a map of my future. It has left me reeling and very lost indeed. I have struggled with enormous fears this past month or two and daily feel bereft of many things including a perspective on where I currently am in life and where I need to go.

Fear has me wandering an emotional landscape like none I have ever encountered before. I hardly know who I am and I know even less about where I want to go in life.

Separation from everything you took for granted is a big deal. I tossed aside the map I'd been using as it was getting me nowhere at all.

The thing though with maps is that its all well and good to have one, but you need to also know which way is up on the map. The top of the map has to point due North if you're going to get anywhere close to an accurate perspective on the lay of the land in front of you. A map twisted on a hunch that somewhere might be North isn't going to get you to where you want to go. Maps need to be grounded in some kind of fact in order to be accurately used to best effect.

Now it looks like I actually have to create my own map from scratch. I didn't expect this and am terrified of the prospect. I'm clinging to certain things for all I'm worth so I don't have to too. It's one thing to appreciate maps made for you - its quite another to actually articulate and quantify the landscape itself into a map of your own. I don't really know where to begin.

So I guess I need to climb a psychological tree or two first and survey the landscape of my future from a new perspective. I need to get some pointers about the immediate surroundings - my immediate future - that I can use as my starting position.

Once I get a clear view of my immediate arena of focus, I can get to know it so I don't get lost again and I can keep coming back to this space as a kind of Home-base, venturing further out as I get courage and stability back into my sense of self again.

This isn't stuff based on Hope at all - its about as pragmatic as anyone can get when they are feeling all at sea and emotionally spent. I've wrung more tears from my aching soul this past month than I can ever recall doing these past 20 + years. I've been challenged into facing some of my deepest and darkest flaws. I've been bitterly angry - more than I care to admit. I have begged and pleaded to God to make it stop and help me Let it Go and still I can't seem to do that successfully.

And I have learned that inside this human-shaped frame called 'Michelle'...there lies a heart so passionate and intensely alive with the need to Love that I demand no less from others.

That passion and that focus needs direction now. It needs its own map. Only I can make that map for me. I am about as shit scared as you could be about it but ...I cannot remain inconsolably lost for much longer or I shall surely die inside the very heart of me. The very last thing I want to be is to be cynical, bitter, lonely and permanently afraid to ever love again.

I dearly would that someone COULD come along and kiss me and make me a map so I don't have to do this myself, but... that seems about as "silly" and as romantically lovely as the song - which means I probably wouldn't buy that actually happening as being true at all.

It's time I climbed a tree and took a look around to see exactly where I am.