Thursday, August 02, 2007

My current mood sees me...

musing on how far I've travelled this past two years.

Not travelling in the sense of physical destinations but travelling in the sense of emotion and spirit.

I have travelled very very far. The "me" I was two years ago is a very different me from the one I feel I am now. I am not sure if I present a different persona of myself to the people around me but I definitely sense that I have changed significantly these past two long years.

I can't pin down a time when I began this journey in earnest but I know its been a long and winding road since October of 2005.

Life has slowed down and sped up. It has harboured amazing joys and incredible love and devastating lows and irksome duties to perform. In all this time thus far (I don't know when this journey will end either)... I have changed spots on some things and grown some in others.

I've morphed.

Into what only others could say really but from my introspection, I am suggesting the following as possible new spots in my ever-evolving make-up as the construct "mitch".

i - I am more inclined to breathe when stressed. I still stress out and panic about little things a lot but I am learning/have learned to let things go more and just let time heal it. It's never as bad as we think its going to be.

ii - I lost weight. Not just a little but a lot of weight. Pragmatic and obvious I guess (I have lost over 20kg since I started writing this blog). Spiritually I've also unburdened a lot of weight. The spiritual weight of judgemental attitudes and fixed ideas about things. I'm more open to stuff now, more willing to accept what others believe as their right to believe it even if I don't. I still pray for people of course but I don't try to preach anymore if its possible. I was always a little too preachy and I apologise to my God first and to you second if you copped an earful from me about the Paths of Righteousness. I figure witness is more about the life we live not the life we tell. I am a poor witness anyway and always have been but thank God he works in ways I never expect or know. I'm also learning to accept that NOTHING is impossible just that it happens when its the right time for it to happen not when I have it "scheduled" into my own hidden agenda.

I only thought I had a glass half full way of thinking about things and its natural for me to be like that on occasion but now days I see things from a fundamentally different perspective. Life isn't a line..its a circle... infinite and possible in ways we can barely begin to imagine. There are times when it seems glass half full and times when it seems glass half empty. Its not our job to try to make life happen as it "should", it is our job to make life happen as it can. So, I let myself imagine more and listen to the reassuring voice rather than the egocentric cynical one whenever I can.

iii - I am learning to accept that nothing and no one can make me happy in and of themselves/itself. Happiness is a transient in-the-moment thing. Happiness is what you make of your NOW not something you can achieve through the pursuit of it. Happiness arrives like a butterfly on your shoulder. If you attempt to capture happiness in anything you may be sorely disappointed.

Happiness is a gift and a treasure akin to food. You don't sit a cake on a table and just leave it, and hopefully others, partake of it and enjoy it in the now. You may be able to save some for later but eventually the cake will be consumed or tossed out - it cannot last if its to be appreciated properly.

Chasing happiness is wasted effort. Let it go and come to you and RECOGNISE IT when it arrives...THAT is the key to understanding happiness.

iv - I am slowly slowly slowly learning to be more patient. I have learned that I was never the contented type at all. I have been restless all my life. On the surface, I may appear to be slothful and lazy sometimes but in reality I discovered that for me I am the eternally restless soul ever seeking the new experience, the new thing to try, the new friend, the new idea. I don't toss out old things easily but I do embrace new things very easily. I am actually rarely content with life in the now. Mine is a energy spirit seeking to explore and try life. As i get older, I may have lessons to learn in this area perhaps. I adore being home...sometimes for very long periods of time but home is a transient thing...its more spiritual than material in concept for me. I may have to learn to just be content that this is the way I am... Restless, Movable, Shift, Change, Experimental and Innovation.

v - I write more and i am beginning to accept finally that perhaps I have a gift afterall. For a long time I have treated my flair with words with disdain. I never ever believed I was a "good" writer. Even now, I still struggle to accept that I have ability in this craft. I harbour lots of secret desires to write stories of all kinds but when push comes to shove, I only ever write when I am in the frame of mind to write. To force me to write would dry up my well of creative thought like the sun. I write to tell the thoughts of my soul I cannot speak with my voice. I write to make the pressure come down inside of me. I write to teach and to learn. I write because its the easiest method of communication I have available to me.

Whenever someone tells me they enjoy my "Writing", i say a simple "Thankyou" and smile but internally I am often sceptical and think that maybe they are just being nice because they either know me or they don't want to be rude. I am learning to accept that perhaps my ability to write is my true voice in the world and therefore my greatest gift I can give to the world. I am a writer.

vi - I am learning to be self confident. I make excuses for all sorts of things and especially for my being here on this planet. I say sorry for no reason a lot and I bend to the will of those I percieve as being more "powerful" than myself. This has changed. I will not be bullied into thinking I am not worth it. I am worth it. It hasn't been christian "humility" i thought I was demonstrating, its been small me thinking. I am not small. I am what I am. No excuses.

So that's where I am at today, musing on how far I've travelled on the journey of being human these past couple of years. I have done things and thought things, wrote things I would never have considered a mere 5 years ago. Life changes. Life IS change. I change. I'll keep changing.

its all good :)


EM said...

You are a writer.

And you are not small.

Just a bit more reinforcement for what you already know. :)

Michelle said...

emmie :)

with friends like you... one has wings :)

Thankyou so much for this.