I can see the "dark side" of my genius looming like a sith lord riding over the sands of Tatooine.
I hadn't realised until today just how cloistered I've kept my Mind these past years! It has recently glimpsed potential freedom to roam and it scares me. I have restrained the excesses of my Mind and kept them well hidden. I had forgotten how it feels to have my Mind go free, to wander through pastures of thought and idea, to glut on the lush fruit of The Possible, and to drink from the fountain of Intellectual Communion.
It's heady, it's intoxicating, it's romantic and it's fantasy is too alluring to resist!
The pragmatic, "traditional" side in my nature ensured my survival 16 years ago by marrying a reasonably well grounded man who does not think finding "genius" names worthy of his time or thought. The whole concept of blogging leaves him cold! Communicating on the internet for him is beyond his capacity to fathom. For me it holds a vast untapped capacity for coherence!
...and then I joined The Genius Workshop and my Mind was given license to roam freely across the plains of creative expression and my lord! It feels sooooo good!
I want to grasp this new romantic delusion I've developed and hang on to it for dear life! I want to feel the warm glow of personal endorsement when meeting others INSIDE their skins - to know their Minds and have them know mine!
This is the "demonic" side of my Construction of Coherence! I become too passionately and intensely involved in the lives of the Minds I've seen and connected with. I become grafted to them in an idealistic, and romantic fortress of my own making, essentially trapping them in order to try and make them mine forever! I feel compelled by this dark force to keep on re-creating that intoxicating sensation of COHESION in thought, spirit, mood, joy and understanding!
How selfish I am!
How RUDE of me to assume control over these Minds and the creative territory they've opened up, willingly, for me to explore! How manipulative could I be to want to hold them fast in my grasping fist called "My Desperate Need for Validation".
I love being loved! But I fear I want to be loved on my own terms! I want to be idealised just as I idealise! I want to feel the thrilling concert of intellectual comraderie between myself and another! I am in love with the IDEA of Mind. I am literally turned on by the intellectual processes that create vivid pictures in my head. I am inspired to incredible depths of soul and emotion when my own Mind is engaged in communion with another "like" Mind. When wit and wisdom, idea and possibility combine in a chorus of mutual "getting". Oh the passion! The wonder! The Joy! The incredible complexity of souls made so simple through the exchange of words and details; of meanings hidden and values expressed between lines; of intrinsic character exposed and walking naked for me to appreciate and enjoy.
...and I need to let it go! To let that bird called "Another" to fly away to freedom from my stranglehold. I must shut my eyes to this fear of abandoment and let the bird fly away from my starving heart so that it is given it own worth and not my imposed idealistic and romanticised value.
This is the truth of Love; that what we wish most to hold tightly to our heart, must be allowed to go free if it so chooses. Love is always a decision. It's a choice to be made for right or for wrong. True love chooses the right way all the time for it identifies that the proper path - though the most painful - will always bring the greatest rewards in the end!
I've learned something this Ressurrection Sunday! I've learned something really deep and dark about myself; about the way my genius will work against me sometimes. It is both terrifying and exhilarating in the extreme. Writing this post has exposed it to the Light. I pray that Light will also empty this darkened tomb of my psyche and bring transcended, pure coherence back to me.